Epilogue
Evan – One Year Later
My house is filled with ghosts.
And a crap ton of truly excellent living people as well, especially tonight.
But, seriously. I spent so many years trying to shut my memories away in a box, hoping to forget them. But all that did was make me bitter.
Now I see my beautiful Beau in every room of this house, because it was his house, too. He belongs here. I have photos of his smiling face everywhere to remind me to never forget him again. That I still love him and always will love him, and that’s a good thing.
There are three men here that love him as well, in their own ways.
At their insistence, I started opening up about Beau, telling them stories of our time together on this earth, no matter how mundane, not shying away from the happy or the sad. Jude asks a lot of questions. Sai is an excellent listener, always giving me space to open up. And Tian…well, more than once I’ve overheard him in his playroom, chatting away with his new imaginary best friend.
I don’t care if it was too fast. It was absolutely ridiculous to keep living in three different homes, particularly when Sai confessed to me one night that the only thing that had stopped Tian moving out of his awful house share into their apartment was space.
I’ve had far too much space for far too long.
Of course I was afraid to ask outright because I still get frozen every now and again. But when I realised Jude was spearheading a campaign to just sneakily move more and more of their stuff in here anyway, it hit me that I was worrying about nothing as usual.
We haven’t looked back since.
Over the summer, we did so much renovating and decorating. Some rooms we were dragging into the twenty-first century. In those spaces, I found the ghosts of my parents and my sister and set them free as well. Our family wasn’t perfect, but we loved each other the best way we knew how. Now my father’s books are displayed proudly in the living room, my mother’s thimble collection has been arranged in a custom-made glass case, and my sister’s map of the world—complete with colourful pins to show all the places she visited—is hanging in the playroom with all the other travel-themed paraphernalia.
With their spirits set free, I’m able to celebrate their lives and share their legacy with the men I love now with all my heart.
Some of our renovations were simply to incorporate their tastes into their new home. Sai oversaw the construction of a new conservatory that connects the basement level to the garden. Tian spent most of August weeding and then planning new flowerbeds for the summer. And Jude upgraded my Wi-Fi and installed a smart doorbell that we can hear throughout the whole house—handy now that it’s actually all being used.
Being in our bubble of four never concerned me. But branching out into the rest of the world was a little frightening. Like coming out all over again. Except this time, I had three amazing men by my side and, ultimately, there was nothing to be scared of. Sai, Jude and Tian’s parents already knew about their relationship, so introducing me wasn’t as shocking as I might have expected.
In fact, Jude’s dad has already been in touch about me helping him with his tax returns next year, and Sai’s mum texts with me weekly. We’re always swapping recipes, and she’s been my biggest cheerleader as I’ve rediscovered my passion for cooking.
Telling Freddie was probably the most stressful, as our relationship was already so strained thanks to me evaporating from her life. But if anything, it’s made us closer than we’ve ever been before. We met for a cup of tea as planned at her place in the new year, and after about fifteen minutes I lost my nerve and just blurted out that I was in a polycule with three wonderful men.
Once she stopped screaming in joy, we switched from tea to wine. After about a bottle of that, I confessed that I’m actually Daddy Evan to them, and she genuinely cried.
I love that she and Clare are here tonight.
I love that everybody is here tonight.
Unsurprisingly, it was Jude who insisted that I invite all and sundry to my first New Year’s party at the house in a very long time. He argued that the worst that could happen would be that they all already had plans, and we’d have a fine time with just the four of us. Oh, and Bow, of course. And our new bulldog, Brussels, and the cats, Noel and Holly. All rescued from Battersea, naturally. It was Tian who thought to keep the themed names going, so we could ‘keep the spirit of Christmas all year round’.
Anyway, if it had just been the four humans and the four animals, I would have still been happy. It’s not about the size of the party. It’s the sentiment behind it. I never want to get stuck in the past again.
Good job then that practically every bastard we invited said yes. Some of them have even brought friends along. Freddie is proudly showing a throng of lesbians around the house, highlighting all the DIY work we’ve been doing recently. I think they got a bit excited looking at the power tools.
Clare is resting in the living room, listening to someone tinker with the old piano Sai got for free off the internet because ‘someone will play it at some point’. I guess he was right. I’m trying not to hover over Clare because she scares me enough regularly.
But her pregnancy hormones are making her extra formidable.
Every time I think about the fact they’ve finally achieved their dream and are having a baby, I get emotional. Not least because they succeed in no small part thanks to me. Well, one of my boyfriends, anyway.
Sai is allowed to fuss over Clare because in the end, Sai was the sperm donor and saved Freddie and Clare so much red tape with their conception. But he also uses his Daddy voice on Clare when she won’t sit down and put her feet up. She’ll still glare at him like she knows where the nuclear codes are (I wouldn’t be surprised if she did) and isn’t afraid to aim one of those suckers at him. But usually, she’ll just give in to his demands.
It’s the best of both worlds. Sai doesn’t want to raise a child himself because, as he puts it, he already has his hands full with two boys and a whole zoo under the roof. But he’d been sad at the idea of not continuing on his genes in some way or another. Part of the deal for him to get involved was that he could be Uncle Sai and—perhaps more importantly—his mum could be an auntie to the baby. The girls not only agreed enthusiastically to those requests, they hoped that we’d all be uncles when the little nugget came along.
And they’ve already been to stay the weekend with Auntie, firmly establishing that relationship.
So I do my best to avoid the living room, lest I annoy any terrifying pregnant ladies. Instead, I mostly stick downstairs in the kitchen, doing what I love most at parties: keeping everyone extremely well fed and watered.
This year, I did manage to have enough time to cook, which is what I’ve been doing almost since Christmas Day when I made a feast for our little family of four. It worked out nicely that we saw Tian’s family then on Boxing Day, where I got a day off, but since then it’s been nonstop baking vol-au-vents, blending baba ganoush dip by the vat, slow roasting meats, and chopping veggies to make a metric ton of crudités.
Sai’s mum popped around yesterday with two big Tupperware boxes full of handmade bhajis and samosas that I’m pretty sure have already been devoured. Tian’s mum dropped off an enormous lasagne this morning that recently came out of being reheated in the oven and has made the whole house smell amazing. And Jude’s mum somehow managed to post a giant apple cake that I cut up into as many pieces as possible for our guests to enjoy now or take home later.
I’m not saying they’re all trying to outdo each other, but I will admit that our refrigerator is never empty and I’ve never had so many compliments at any of my parties before.
As I serve up the latest batch of handmade halloumi fries from the oven and get another plate of pre-made devilled eggs out of the fridge, I stop and sip some prosecco, looking out over the ridiculous number of people crammed into my basement, knowing that there are so many more in the living room and probably hanging out in some of the other areas we’ve opened to our guests. Some rooms have big ‘OFF LIMITS’ signs taped to them. We’ve locked what doors we can and are just hoping people will respect the rest.
Because…y’know. Let’s just say that we’ve reclaimed one of the many spare bedrooms and Sai is turning it into a very different kind of playroom.
Mind you, there are plenty of people here that wouldn’t be shocked to see that. In fact, they’d probably be very interested to have a poke about when it’s finished. Perhaps we’ll have a special, smaller party soon, just for them.
Thanks to my newly reclaimed social skills, I’m very happy that I stayed in touch with Jacob, and he’s become a good friend not just to me but Sai as well. Like Miller said, us Daddies have to stick together. They’re both here: Jacob with his harem of boys, and Miller with Charlie, who’s still dressed in some of his finest kitty wear tonight—just no butt plugs. I’m pretty sure I saw Tian sneak off with Luke earlier so he could show him his playroom. Sorry—his and Beau’s playroom.
But that’s not the only familiar face I see from Bootleg, although the newest addition to the party is someone who never RSVP’d and wasn’t anyone I was expecting to actually see.
“Marlon?” I say in disbelief as I venture out of the kitchen to give my old friend a hug. I’d extended an invitation, but with no reply, I never, ever thought he’d show. “It’s so good to see you. You look fantastic!”
I mean it. His face has lost the broken ruddy blemish across his nose and cheeks, his hair is clean, his clothes fit, he’s got new, stylish glasses, and he’s lost several pounds at least.
“Evan,” he says earnestly, slapping my back and squeezing me tightly before letting me go. “I wanted to surprise you. Plus, I’m doing this thing where I take one day at a time, so I didn’t want to commit to anything just in case.”
I look him up and down, catching his drift and feeling incredibly proud. “Can I get you a fruit punch? I made it myself. Or there’s lemonade, cola, squash, a bunch of zero percent wines and ciders that actually don’t taste like arse, tea, iced tea?—”
He laughs and waves me down. “The punch sounds great, but I can get it myself in a minute. Evan, I’d like you to meet Dickie. Dickie, this is my old pal, Evan Zegler.”
A young man I hadn’t noticed before steps forward. He’s tall and slim, with a mop of brown hair and black framed glasses, which he pushes up his nose before offering his hand to me.
“Nice to meet you, Mr Zegler. Daddy says the way you turned your life around inspired him so much that he came back to me to be the best Daddy I always knew he could be. So, thank you—about a million times.”
He’s got a serious air about him which contrasts really sweetly as his little surfaces. That lump in my throat—my old friend I haven’t seen in a long while now—rises briefly. “You found him,” I whisper, glancing between Marlon and Dickie. My old drinking buddy’s physical transformation makes even more sense now.
It’s remarkable what we can do in the name of love.
“We found each other,” Marlon says firmly. “And I’m never letting him go again.”
Dickie blushes and holds out his left hand, proudly showing me a ring.
“Oh, fuck,” I say with a laugh, losing the battle I’d been having with the tears in my eyes. I throw my arms around Marlon, then sensing it was welcome, I gently hug Dickie as well. “I’m beyond happy for you both. Congratulations! Mazel tov!”
“Thank you, thank you,” Marlon says bashfully, ducking his head but grinning like a fool. “Still a long way to go yet. I’ll probably be fighting the good fight forevermore. But this beautiful boy is worth it. I’ll spend every day of my life proving that to him if I have to.”
Dickie bites his lip before sneaking a kiss on his Daddy’s cheek. “Love you,” he says, joining their hands. “Shall we go get some food? It looks delicious, Mr Zegler.”
“Thank you,” I say sincerely. “Please help yourselves as much as you like, and Marlon? When you’ve got a moment, there are some friends of mine I’d love you to meet.”
Of course I want to introduce him and Dickie to Sai, Jude and Tian. But I’d also like to make sure that Marlon doesn’t leave without Jacob and Miller’s phone numbers.
Us Daddies have to stick together, after all. And having several like-minded friends to reach out to could make all the difference with both Marlon’s relationship and his sobriety.
I watch them disappear into the crowd, feeling the urge to escape myself for just a moment. It’s getting close to midnight, and before all the madness, I need to re-centre myself.
As I make my way upstairs, several people catch me to say hello as I pass, including Robert and Em. Timothy is apparently playing some kind of racing car game against several adults and kicking their arses, which makes me laugh. Jim and Oz are also here somewhere with their other halves. I love that the company has made its most profit in years because my people are so much happier.
Every aspect of my life is brighter, and I couldn’t be more grateful. But as we’re about to enter the new year, I want to make sure I’m not forgetting the past, even if I’m not dwelling in it anymore.
It’s quiet in the master bedroom at the top of the house. This whole floor has an off-limits sign at the bottom of the stairs, and it looks like everyone has respected that so far. Gratefully, I pick a photo frame off the dresser and sit on the edge of the bed.
“Hi, Beau,” I say to my favourite selfie of him. I didn’t know if it was weird to have this in our bedroom. Sai thought it was important that I not hide Beau away anymore. Tian said it was like he’s always watching over us.
Jude said it was kinky, and he was into it.
I love how he jokes about Beau. It normalises it, rather than letting me tread on eggshells all the time. I trace my fingers over the glass and sigh happily, but with that echo of grief that I’m sure will always be with me.
“Happy new year, baby. It’s been a really great one, but I think things are only going to keep getting better. I…I wish you were here with all my heart. But I’m sure you know that my heart isn’t empty anymore. I’m not alone. You don’t have to worry about me. I have Tian and Jude and Sai, and I love them all so much it’s hard to breathe sometimes. But I do love them, passionately, every day. I think you’d love them, too. So I love them for the both of us.”
I inhale shakily, but I’m still smiling.
“I’ll always think of you at Christmas, sweetheart. Not just because that’s when you left me. But because you bloody loved it. I’m glad I’ve found that joy again, and not just at Christmas! We have so many holidays now between us. I feel like I’m absolutely privileged and making up for all those years I let pass me by. We stayed with Jude’s family for Rosh Hashanah and Sai’s for Diwali. They’re all such welcoming people and holy shit the food was so good. Jude loves Sukkot, so we were able to build a proper Sukkah for him in the garden this year and sleep in it, just like he’s always wanted to.”
I take another breath, caressing his image but also remembering how lively he was and how enthusiastically he moved. It’s not really possible to display videos, but it’s pretty easy to recall how he would skip and leap and spin through life.
“It’s almost midnight, baby. So I need to go back down and host everyone who’s come tonight. You wouldn’t believe how many friends I have now! I don’t sometimes. Anyway. They do these low noise fireworks now that are so much better for wildlife and people with PTSD and all that. I’m sure most people will still be doing the bangs and whistles, but it makes me feel good to be doing my part by using those. Jude has designed a playlist to match the display we’re doing in the garden, which should be fun. I better go find him and Tian and Sai. I want them by my side as we enter the new year. I always want them by my side. I’m thinking I might ask Tian to marry me someday, then the four of us would be linked legally as best we can. But also…I just want to stand up and tell the world how much I love all of them. We never got to do that, you and I. But if it ever happens for the four of us, please know you’d be with me, like you always are. So?—”
There’s a thump outside the door and someone hisses “SHH!”
My heart lurches and I drop the photo frame on the bed, darting across the room to yank the door open, horrified to think some guest has stumbled up here looking for a bathroom and might have heard something deeply personal.
Instead, I find a naughty boy and a good, sweet boy sitting on the landing. Jude has an open magnum of prosecco in hand, his eyes wide in excitement, and Tian looks like he’s just seen a ghost.
“Uhh…” I say, already feeling extremely raw from the heart-to-heart I was just having. I have no idea what to say.
Luckily, Jude is there to bulldoze through all of that. “Are you going to propose to Baby Tee?!” he screeches, his eyes shimmering with happiness. Tian still looks frozen, though, so it’s him I sit beside and take his hands.
“I’m sorry if you heard something that upset you, sweetheart. Daddy thought he was alone.” I shoot Jude a look, feeling like he should have known better. But he’s too hyper to care, or so it seems.
“Yes,” Tian whispers, and my heart drops into my shoes.
“Yes, I upset you?” I try and clarify.
He blinks his pretty hazel eyes at me, a hint of a smile tweaking his lips.
“No, Daddy Evan. I would say ‘yes’ if you asked me to marry you. I’d marry Jude and Daddy Sai, too, except the law says I can’t do that. But we could, couldn’t we? Legally. And then I’d marry Daddy Sai and Jude in my heart, just like you’d marry Baby Beau in your heart.”
This time when the lump rises in my throat, I can’t fight it. My eyes blur and I try and regain some composure to respond to the beautiful words he’s just said.
However, we’re interrupted again before I can.
“Is everything okay here?” Sai asks, and honestly, there isn’t anyone else I’d rather see in that moment. He climbs the stairs, and I reach for his hand, which he gives without knowing why. I go to speak, but then Bow chases Brussels past us in a whirlwind of fur and excitable barks.
It rattles the shock out of me somewhat. I shake my head and blink, looking between him, Jude, and Tian. Oh. My baby boy is watching me anxiously.
“Evan just proposed to Tee,” Jude says in a stage whisper. “Well, sort of. But then Tee definitely proposed to Evan, and then you stomped all over it.”
Sai raises his eyebrows then sits down next to us on the edge of the stairs, his hand still firm and soothing against mine. “Is that right?” he asks. His tone is kind but there’s also just a hint of excitement there as well.
It makes me realise that he’d want this. Jude wants this. Tian just told me flat out he’d say yes.
“I told Beau that someday I’d love to ask Tian to be my husband,” I explain, keeping my gaze on my sweet boy. “That bit would be legal, but I’d want to claim all three of you as my own forever. But I was talking about someday, Jude, to a photo, and?—”
“Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed,” Tian interrupts me. His face is blotchy, he’s trembling, and his eyes are red. But he’s smiling.
Oh, how he’s smiling.
“Daddy Evan, if you’re sure, then I’m sure. I promise I mean it.”
I huff and look to Sai for help. He shrugs and squeezes my hand. “This is on you, gorgeous,” he says gently. “If you’re not sure?—”
“I’ve been sure for a whole year,” I blurt out. “As far as I’m concerned, when you all moved in, that was it. I’m in this forever. I just…” I roll my eyes and scowl at Jude. “I wanted to plan something romantic and have a ring and?—”
“Take my ring,” Jude says. He manages to put the bottle down without spilling it and starts pulling at the band on his left hand. “We all belong to each other, right? If you want to buy something different, whatever. But for right now—take mine.”
“And mine.” I look as Sai lets my hand go and begins easing off his own ring. He and Jude exchange glances, and when both their bands are free, they hold them out to Tian and I, together.
My breath hitches, my heart going a mile a minute. “Are you sure?” I ask them—all three of them.
“Yes,” they say as one back to me.
I rub my wet eyes and look at Tian again. “Well…we’re at least going to do this bit right,” I grumble, waving at him. “Stand up, stand up.”
He scrambles to his feet, his hands clutched, holding his breath.
“Christian Prior,” I say, “You changed my life. I love the men you love. I love you more than I could possibly say, my beautiful baby boy. Will you marry me?”
“Yes,” he cries without a moment’s pause.
My heart summersaults in my chest. This is really happening.
I turn to the husbands beside us, realising that both the dogs had sat their bums down on the landing and are watching us with wagging tails. Typical that I’d have an audience to the most important, unplanned moment of my life. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I secretly hope the cats are asleep under the bed, listening to every word we’re saying.
“And you two meddlesome troublemakers,” I say to Jude and Sai. “Will you spend the rest of your lives with Tian and I? Because it’s sort of a package deal.”
Jude screams and throws his arms around my neck. “YES!” he bellows in my ear.
Sai takes one of my hands again, always my steady rock and partner. “Yes, Evan Zegler. Now and always. Husbands and Daddies forever.”
I’m not sure what happens next, but I end up under a pile of bodies, human and canine. Jude rescues the magnum and is making every one drink. They all keep shouting ‘YES!’ at me. I close my fist so tightly around the wedding rings that they leave red marks, but when Tian and I manage to get upright again, I slip one onto his middle finger and the other onto my pinkie where they best fit.
I absolutely want to buy Tian and I our own special rings. But wearing Sai and Jude’s in this moment—even on the wrong fingers—feels monumental. The four or us are entwined.
Forever, apparently.
People start counting downstairs. “Oh, shit, midnight!” I cry with a laugh, trying to get to my feet as my lovers, my partners, my husbands, attempt to do the same.
Sai and Jude fly down the stairs, reaching for each other’s hands as they do, two dogs bounding in their wake. I go to follow them, but Tian grabs my hand, anchoring me to the landing for a moment.
“Are we really engaged, Daddy Evan?” he whispers, looking like he’s going to burst with happiness.
I wrap him in my arms and kiss the top of his head. “I didn’t plan any part of this relationship, baby boy. I would never have deemed myself worthy of it. But dear lord, if I have the chance to spend the rest of my life with you and Jude and Sai, I’ll fight for that with everything I have. You might have accidentally overheard what I said, but that didn’t make it not true. Yes, sweetheart. Please, please marry me and make me the happiest man alive.”
He starts sobbing against my chest. I hold him like that, ignoring the countdown, ignoring the fireworks from the rest of the world, but enjoying as the first song on Jude’s playlist resonates through the house. It’s something about being young and free and beautiful that makes me want to shout with happiness from the rooftops.
“Are you okay, Tee?” I ask.
He sniffs and wipes his face with a laugh. “I’ve never been happier in my whole life,” he says, blinking up at me. “Sorry I made you miss the new year.”
I shake my head and brush his tears from his cheeks. “There are going to be three hundred and sixty-five days of this new year, and I intend on spending them all with my gorgeous men.”
“But…can we go and watch the fireworks anyway?” he asks, being too adorable. “I was really looking forward to them.”
I laugh and nod. “Of course, sweetheart.” I start to lead us down the stairs, but he pulls me up short.
“One second!” He turns to face the bedroom, still holding my hand. “Happy new year, Beau!” he calls out. “Don’t worry, you’ll be at the wedding. It’s going to be a big one. Love you!”
Then he’s pulling me down the stairs, back to the party.
I take a second to look back to where Beau’s photo is resting comfortably on our bed. I know he’s watching over us. I know that in some way, he laid the path so I could find these incredible men who have filled my heart back up to the brim and repaired all the cracks.
Then we’re disappearing downstairs, running towards the fireworks and the music and the people.
My ghosts will always be with me. But right now, I’m living for the living. I have forever to practice being the best husband to not one, but three of the best men alive.
And I promise to keep true to the spirit of Christmas every single day that I do.
Thank you so much for reading Evan, Tian, Jude and Sai’s story!