Chapter 30 #3
“I do want you around, Reese.”
“No, I mean—”
“I know exactly what you mean. And my answer is still the same. I want you around. All the time, really. I just want you, but I think you already know that.”
Oxygen has a tough time finding my lungs. There’s no shyness to his statement. No hesitation. He’s a man who knows what he wants and apparently, he wants me.
I discreetly check our surroundings. “Em, not here.”
“Fine, but where I say it won’t change my answer. I want you, Reese.”
My eyes bounce between his. “Why?”
The question is out before I think better of it. Before I have time to remind myself to hide that insecurity. Before I can remember where we are.
Emmett’s brows pinch together. “Is that a real question?”
Unfortunately, yes. It is. I didn’t know there could be a why. I once thought you just loved someone for who they are until I learned that some people do have another reason why. An ulterior motive.
His palm on my back sinks another inch lower, and at the same time, he pulls me closer to him. Hard stomach to my soft. His hold on me is firm and unrelenting. Comforting in a way it shouldn’t be with so many eyes nearby. All while continuing to sway us to the soft melody.
“You should never have to ask that question, but I understand why you are.”
A small wave of relief washes over me that I don’t have to explain myself. It’s not talked about enough. How settling it is to be understood without needing to make someone understand.
The realization that Emmett has always understood me has me pliable when he takes my hand that’s held out to the side and hooks it to meet my other around his neck.
His palm strokes against the bare skin of my arm until it also drops to my lower back.
“I don’t know if my why is a tangible thing I can pinpoint, Reese. I don’t know that I have a good answer for you to overanalyze. But I know some of the reasons why I don’t want you.”
Craning my neck, I look up at him, desperate to hear the next words out of his mouth. His mouth that’s too close to be considered professional, but all I can seem to care about is the next thing that’s going to come out of it.
“I don’t want you for what you can offer me,” he says.
“I don’t want you for job security. In fact, I think we both know that me wanting you will provide me the opposite of that.
I don’t want you because you suddenly brought me back to life or anything like that.
I’ve had purpose. I love my life. I love my job.
And I love my family. I don’t want you for anything that you can give me, other than the hope I’ve been unable to ignore since you walked into this building. ”
My heart races in an unhealthy way, and I try to calm it by focusing on the small circles he’s drawing with his thumb against my back.
“For someone who has gone twenty years assuming that I would spend the rest of my life only being a dad and only being a coach, there’s a nagging hope I feel when you’re around that I could also be . . .”
Someone’s partner. Someone’s equal.
He doesn’t finish that sentence, because he doesn’t need to. I already know.
There was so much of me that longed to hear exactly that, but then there’s also another part of me that prayed he’d never say it out loud. That we’d never have to confront what’s happening between us.
And here of all places. Locked in the center of people who can never know.
It’s scary. Everything about him is scary. The way his mere presence has me questioning everything I once stood firm in is terrifying.
His confession brings us to a boiling point and we both know it. And I just wish that this song would end so I could get off this dance floor to keep from confronting what’s right in front of us.
Emmett drops his head, lips ghosting the shell of my ear.
“I know I promised you that I’d protect you and your reputation and the legacy you want to leave.
And I’m fully aware that I’m breaking that promise by wanting you.
And I don’t know what the fuck to do about it, Reese.
For someone who usually has all the answers, I have no idea how to stop wanting you. ”
“Emmett.” There’s a desperate plea in the way I say his name. “Please not here.”
When I turn my head to look at him, I find this almost untamed need in his eye and it terrifies me for the next thing he’s going to say.
“I don’t think you understand me. It doesn’t matter where I say it. I wasn’t lying that day in the elevator when I told you to fire me. That’s where I’m at. I’m not willing to risk your reputation, but I am willing to risk my own job to figure out what this might be. So fucking fire me already.”
“No.” I pull away from him in a somewhat dramatic fashion, but thankfully the song ends and plenty of people are separating on the dance floor that no one seems to notice. “Absolutely not.”
“Reese—”
He reaches out for me, but I take a step back to create distance, then look around to remind him where we are right now.
He’s lost his fucking mind if he thinks I’m going to let him lose his job over me. After everything he’s done to get back to this place in his life. After everything he sacrificed.
“Absolutely not.” I keep my voice sharp but hushed. “We aren’t . . . that’s not an option.”
Can he hear how scared I am? Can he see it on my face?
“Don’t bring that up ever again. I’m . . .”
Not worth it.
And that’s not a lack of self-esteem speaking for me. I know my worth. That’s the fear of him losing everything he’s ever wanted to gamble on me. In that respect, I refuse to let him believe I’m worth that risk.
“I’m . . .” I try again. “I’m not going to have this conversation again.”
Then I turn on my heel and leave the dance floor as I fast as I can without drawing suspicion. But as soon as I’m out of the main event space, I run.