Chapter 26
Terminally Online
Erica called early the next morning, while Rosie and I were still sleeping. She said things about damage control and how allies were technically part of the LGBTQ+ community and she’d already prepared a statement, and so I fired her.
It was honestly one of the most satisfying things I’d ever done in bed.
Later, after a little more sleep, my gratitude practice, and my daily yoga, I texted my new industry acquaintances, and I was still on my way to the Jaffe when I took a call with a recommended publicist who was ready to jump on board.
(I also hired Ari’s stylist, who was excited to handle the last-minute photoshoot I’d be slotting into my already-too-full day, even though she confessed she wished Ari wore joggers less often.)
After rehearsal—and after a frantic text exchange of scheduling—I sat in my parked car instead of heading home, and tapped through to a Zoom with all three of my brothers.
It was two hours later in Illinois, but Rob and Dave didn’t look annoyed about the relative lateness of the call.
Andy was always a little annoyed, so he didn’t count.
“Thanks for being flexible,” I said, after demanding reports of how my nieces and nephew were doing. “The reason it was important for me to talk to all of you tonight is that there’s going to be an article in The Hollywood Reporter tomorrow that I wanted you to know about in advance.”
“Pretty sure the only way I’ll know anything in The Hollywood Reporter is if you tell me in advance,” Rob said.
“No,” I said. “I mean, ha ha, I know, you two get to flex your non-Hollywood life, congrats, but you’ll hear about this one. So I wanted you to hear it from me first and not the internet, which is that I’m gay.”
They were both so silent and still that I hoped that something or someone was buffering.
“Sorry,” Dave said. “I didn’t say anything but Jake saw something on TikTok about that earlier and showed me.”
“Brianna too,” Rob said. “She also said to tell you she was pansexual, which was news to me, but OK.”
“Oh my god,” I said, laughing. “Why did I forget your kids are all terminally online and would hear already? Sorry, I’m not very good at any of this.”
“You’re good enough,” Andy said, which made me choke up.
“Emma and Jake want to know when you’re visiting next,” Dave said.
“Yes! Maybe after the play closes. I have a little time before anything kicks into gear for Vindicators 4. I’ll try to drag Andy, but he does have a real job.”
Andy shrugged. “I’m probably draggable.”
A thought tugged at me, and I tried to let it go before remembering that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to say a few more things, both to myself and aloud. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to any of you sooner. The way Mom and Dad were—”
“You don’t owe anyone an apology,” Andy said, in maybe the sharpest tone I’d ever heard from him. “And I’m sorry if it came across that way—I just felt like an asshole that I could have been there for you and wasn’t.”
“Yeah,” Rob said. “You good? I saw your speeding thing, but it wasn’t a DUI so I figured you’re fine. Who hasn’t hit one hundred sometimes?”
“Tell me about it,” I said, and Andy was back to rolling his eyes. “I’m good, yeah.”
“If Mom and Dad made you feel …” Dave faded out, and shook his head.
“Sorry. They were from another generation, not that it made it OK. Emma and Jake could tell me just about anything and what would it matter? They’re good kids.
I don’t want to think about their love lives but not because of—Jesus, you should see this guy Emma took to homecoming.
I’d prefer a nice girl. Anyway. I’m not saying this well. ”
“You’re saying it great,” I said. “And thank you. Your kids are so lucky to have you as a dad. You too, Rob.”
Andy, Dave, and Rob caught each other up on the particulars of all of their various landscaping business items, and I told them about the play.
We booked a time for our next Zoom, though Andy begged me Please stop saying booked, this is a family call and not an industry meeting, and I even looked at my calendar and suggested a potential week I could visit. Going home had never sounded so good.
The article was timed to post exactly as rehearsal started, but even with my growing comfort in just saying things, I stared at my phone instead of telling anyone in the room what was about to happen.
It was more like ten-oh-one when I hit refresh and saw my name and my face, one of the longest minutes of my life.
“Tess Gardner Opens Up about Her Identity and Sexism in Hollywood.” For the photos, I’d worn my glossy black leather jacket over a T-shirt and jeans, the gold loafers.
I didn’t beam like an ingenue, like Princess Platinum after saving the world.
I looked badass, I thought, maybe even a little hot-not-pretty.
My new stylist had approved the look, and in all ways, for the first time, I was finally my complete self in front of everyone.
On Monday night, after a sold-out screening of Vindicators’ Tess Gardner’s first film, All Green Lights, at Vidiots in Los Angeles, the four leads reminisced about their time making the film.
When an audience member asked about the enduring queer legacy of the movie, Gardner answered warmly and candidly about what it meant to her as a member of the LGBTQ+ community, the statement marking the first time she’s talked about her sexuality publicly.
“The truth is that being gay wasn’t something I only hid publicly,” Gardner says.
“I spent a lot of my life hiding from myself. I know that things are different now—better! Back then, I didn’t see women who looked like me and were out.
It wasn’t modeled to me by anyone in my world either, so of course it never occurred to me as this future I could have.
So if one queer kid in the Midwest where I’m from hears this from me and feels less alone and more hopeful, that’ll mean the world to me.
I definitely didn’t roll into the screening expecting to come out—I wasn’t even planning on doing the Q it turned out that now that I had a publicist who wasn’t constantly gesturing at me to wrap it up, I in no way did.
“I know that people of all genders have to deal with residual homophobia in the industry as well as society, but I’m frustrated too at how we’re still dealing with such different expectations for men than the rest of us.
” Gardner, as the only female lead in Vindicators, has felt her share of these different expectations in Hollywood.
“I feel like, on press tours, the boys get to have so much fun while I’m worried about smiling enough and being a good role model.
Seeming nice. I love talking about my costume and styling—the Vindicators design team is an incredible group of artistic geniuses—but I also want to talk about stunts and weight-lifting.
They get to be the Timex Bros and I’m just the girl. ”
Gardner shrugs at this. In her mid-thirties, she’s maintained a girlish, youthful image that mirrors that of Princess Platinum’s.
“I like being the girl! It’s just that there’s a certain image expected of me.
Nice, good, polite, demure, America’s Girl Next Door.
I don’t know why the girl next door can’t be nice and gay and strong and occasionally a little messy. ”
Still, Gardner lights up every time Vindicators 4 comes up in conversation.
“I’m excited to get back into my suit and blow up some bad guys.
At the end of the day I know I have the best job in the world—no offense to doctors and teachers and everyone doing real work out there—and closing out the series will be a blast. Possibly literally!
I’m really thrilled I get to do it as myself. ”
Michael cleared his throat loudly, and I realized I’d been staring at my phone and not getting into places with the rest of the cast.
“Sorry,” I said, holding up my phone as it buzzed. Once, twice, three times, more. “I just—”
My phone continued to buzz. Previews of texts flashed on the screen.
Message from Aisha Ward: I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!
!!! Message from Max Van Doren: You’re my hero!
Cheers to being nice and also gay! Message from Andy Gardner: Well done.
Message from Ari Fox: Hell YEAH these are some sapphic superpowers
“Gardner?” Rebecca asked. “Everything OK?”
Kevin nudged Rebecca, holding out his phone, and glanced my way. “Three people already texted me because they knew you were in the show.”
“OK,” Rebecca said in her smooth voice, “let’s take ten.”
I hurried toward my dressing room, but the entire cast caught up with me, staring at their own phones as they followed.
“If you need space, sweetie, we’ll give you space,” Kathleen said, which made me laugh.
“There’s nothing that would lead me to believe that’s true,” I said. “I might just need to stare at my phone for these remaining nine minutes, though I don’t care if you’re all here while I do.”
“I don’t know what the big deal is,” Michael said in his most sarcastic tone. “You’ve always seemed pretty gay to me, Tess.”
I laughed and elbowed him. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
“Wait.” His eyebrows furrowed. “You know that I’m kidding. I’m an ally.”