Chapter Twelve
“YOU’RE LOOKING STRONGER every day,” Katya said with a smile as she kissed her half-sister on the cheek before sitting next to the bed.
MJ forced a smile. “I’m glad.” But a part of her thought that the truth was the opposite. The stronger her body was, the weaker her mind became. Every day, the nightmares got worse but she did her best to keep it hidden from everyone, swallowing her screams to herself.
It had been a month since she had been taken to the hospital. A month of trying to forget the time she had spent with Manolito Chavez...and failing. A month of refusing to see or even hear from Helios Andreadis...and succeeding. But until when?
It was that question which troubled her the most, which was why MJ was determined to talk to Katya today. “Katya?”
“Yes?” She tried not to show how startled she was that MJ had taken the initiative to speak to her. It wasn’t that MJ felt awkward with her now that she knew they were half-sisters. It was only that MJ had changed, and most of the time she would spend her days staring and saying nothing.
“Do you think you...you and Ioniko can take me away from here?”
Katya started at the request. “Yes, but...is there a place you want to go?”
Looking away, she whispered, “Anywhere...any place that Helios wouldn’t be able to reach me.”
Katya’s heart broke at her sister’s words.
MJ squeezed the hem of the covers lying in a bunch around her waist. “I know it seems ungrateful, but I just can’t...” She closed her eyes. “All I can see is his face, watching me as another man...” A gasp tore out of her throat as she found herself unable to complete the sentence.
Hand shaking, she reached for MJ’s hand and squeezed it. “I’m sorry,” Katya whispered. “God, I’m so sorry for what happened to you.”
She choked out, “Sometimes, I ask Him that, you know. Why did it have to happen to me? What did I do so horribly wrong that had to happen to me?”
“I don’t know,” Katya said brokenly. “I wish I knew what the answer should be for that, but I just don’t know. All I know is that...things happen for a reason. They always do.”
“There’s no reason for this,” MJ said bitterly.
Katya didn’t speak, knowing whatever she had to say wouldn’t be able to heal her sister’s pain.
“Will you and Ioniko take me away, Katya?” Her voice caught. “Please?”
“Of course. Anything you want. Anytime.” She hesitated. “But MJ, don’t you think you should let Helios at least know what you’re planning? I know you...you no longer feel the same way about him, but he loves you terribly.”
She wanted to say no, but she knew she was only being selfish if she did. “All right. I’ll speak to him...and then after that, we’ll go?”
Katya nodded. “As soon as you’re ready.”
HELIOS KNOCKED ON THE door twice, his heart constricting when he heard MJ’s lovely voice call for him to come in. She looked up the moment he entered, violet eyes meeting gold. Hers were wary and haunted, his were inscrutable.
He had dressed up for this , MJ realized with a pang. No plain round-collared shirt, he had on something gray and elegant with a collar. No jeans, too. Instead, he had on a pair of corduroy pants. He was probably the fanciest-dressed student of Christopoulos University right now, second only to perhaps Kellion or Derek Christopoulos himself, who everyone teased as Greece’s manliest fashion plate.
“These are for you,” Helios said unevenly, presenting her with a bouquet of flowers. He had chosen it himself, making sure nothing about it would remind her of the bouquet she had held... that time.
“Thanks.” She was careful not to accidentally touch him as she accepted the bouquet and placed it on the bedside table. When Helios lowered herself to the seat next to the bed, she tried her best not to flinch at how close he was.
When she looked up, she realized that he had noticed her tension anyway.
His lips twisted. “Is it just me or is it men in general?”
She shrugged.
Helios’ face became grimmer. “Just me then.”
At his words, her head jerked up.
Seeing the shock on her face, he asked rawly, “Did you really think having us spend time apart would make me know you less?” He told himself not to continue after that, but he couldn’t help it. Every day he wasn’t able to hold her in his arms was killing him, and he demanded hoarsely, “And did you really think what happened would make me love you less?”
She pressed her hands to her mouth, trying to keep herself from crying. “I’m sorry,” was all she could say.
He shook his head. “Talk to me.”
She shook her head, pressing her hands harder to her mouth to suppress her sobs.
His voice became ragged and thin. “Is it because of what I did? That I killed...James?”
She shook her head, wishing she could tell him that if she had been given the chance, maybe she would have killed the man herself. Someone like James shouldn’t be allowed to live, and he should definitely not have been entrusted with the care of a young girl.
Helios swallowed. He wanted to reach out for her hand, to hold her and reassure her, but he restrained himself with an effort. She looked like she was about to break any moment, her body fragile and painfully thin. She had been broken so many times he couldn’t allow himself be another reason for her to break, not even if it meant he was the one who’d break instead.
“Then is it because...of the women? James told me...you knew.”
She shook her head once more. Kellion and the other officers had told her all about Helios’ plan. There was nothing to forgive about it. He had done what he had to do to find her.
Helios’ fists clenched in frustration. “Then what?” He tried to keep his voice low and steady even if something inside him threatened to explode at the distance MJ was keeping from him. “Is it because of what I had to do with Gracie Langley? Is that it?”
The agony on his face was unbearable, forcing her to speak. “No. Th-that’s not it.” Of all the people in the world, Helios shouldn’t be made to suffer for what happened to her. He had sacrificed so much for her. It wasn’t his fault that the ordeal had changed her, made her cold inside and out.
“Then what? Tell me,” he begged. “Talk to me.”
“It’s not you.” She slowly pointed to herself. “It’s me. I can’t...I just can’t love you anymore.”
His face whitened in pain at her words. “Why?”
“Because...” Her voice fell in shame. “I’m dirty.” As soon as she said the words, there was no stopping the tears she had held back for so long. “I’m...d-dirty. The t-things I h-had to do...I c-can’t...I d-don’t want...”
He tried to reach out for her but stopped when she went wild, almost falling out of the bed in her haste to keep herself out of his reach.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, sobbing. “I just can’t. I’ll always feel dirty. And as long as I feel this way, I can’t even think about l-loving you.”
“I don’t care—”
“But I do,” she screamed. “I do! Every night, I feel him raping me. Every night, I’m on my knees, sucking his dick.” Her sobs shook her body. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget, Helios.” She looked at him with eyes dark with terror. “I’ll always be his...even if he’s dead.”