31. Like Magic
Chapter thirty-one
Like Magic
Astoria
Two months later
“Wake up sleepy head,” Julian whispers into my ear and I moan. These days I’ve been so tired that it’s getting scary. Some days I hardly move out of bed.
“I’m tired, Julian.”
“I have a surprise for you.”
Slowly, I open my eyes. I can tell it’s morning because the sun is shining but on the other side of the house. “Are you going to work today?”
“No, silly, it’s Saturday. Come, get up and get ready. I’m so excited to show you.”
He holds my wrist, guiding me to the bathroom. After the shower, I find a long, white cotton night gown on the marble bench and put it on, then I gather my wet hair on one side to please him. He’s sitting on the bed with a smile on his face waiting for me and pats the mattress. “Come, lie down for me.”
I do as I’m told. What choice do I have? My belly rumbles, signaling how badly I’m starving. “Julian, I’m hungry.”
Whatever he’s up to is making him happy, so I know I don’t want to do it. A brief smile crosses his face. There’s a laptop in the middle of the bed. He raises the long skirt of my gown, pours some thick gel on my belly, and rolls a device over me while pushing down.
“Just listen,” he says while looking at the laptop.
Suddenly, I hear what sounds like a muffled heartbeat. “W-what’s that?” I ask, not wanting to face what I already know.
His gaze meets mine. “It’s our child’s heartbeat, Astoria. You’re pregnant.”
It takes me a while to breathe, to even blink, then I resist with all my might shaking my head. Instead, I lie there with the heat draining from my face.
“Look.” He turns the screen toward me and points to where the baby is. There's just a dot.
I’m pregnant… with my rapist’s baby. Unaware of what I’m doing or what’s happening, I slowly sit up. I know Julian is speaking to me, but I can’t react. I rush off the bed to the bathroom and vomit bile. He follows me but stays leaning on the door frame, itching to see my reaction. I wash my mouth, brush my teeth again then have no choice but to meet his gaze. How can someone with such a beautiful body be so evil? And how can I find this man beautiful in any way? I’m pregnant. My mind is chaos unleashed.
“Pretty bird, I know this is shocking to you, but this is good. This is what we wanted.”
My eyebrows scrounge up and shake as tears fill my eyes and my breathing quickens. He takes my arms as if he wants me to embrace him, but I just keep staring at his face, not registering his words. The floor moves under me and for a minute, I think it’s because he’s pulling me out of the bathroom toward the bed to sit me down. It gets worse, much worse. The room is spinning. It’s as if I’ve gotten caught in an ocean wave and it’s wiping me out.
Julian gently pushes me away, then cups my cheeks in his palms, and kisses my forehead. My eyes scan his skull painted face. It’s too much for me. I’m having a baby with the devil, the worst person I’ve ever met since my father. I lose the world.
Kisses on my cheeks, on my neck and a deep voice. “Astoria, wake up.”
First, a tsunami of anxiety sweeps over me. I wonder why. What happened this time? Then I remember. The world is too heavy. I grab at the collar with both my hands.“I can’t breathe.” Julian rushes, to unlock me. It changes nothing.
“Little bird, you need to calm down. Deep, slow breaths.”
“No.”
“Astoria, listen, I know this is a big surprise, but panic attacks and fainting are not good for pregnancies. So try to make an extra effort.” Julian takes me in his arms, cradling me as if I were a little kid he's trying to rock to sleep. I can’t have a baby with him in this horrible place.
God, please no. Let this be another one of his tricks, please.
I turn my face so that it’s up against his stomach while sobbing hysterically and for the first time since I’ve met him, Julian tries to calm me instead of relishing destroying my sanity. Only after a while do I realize I’ve been repeating the words, “I can’t do this.”
He plants brief kisses all over me again. “It’s okay. Shh…” Julian pushes my hair back, kissing my temple and my cheek every so often.
"Square root of a hundred and forty-four is twelve. One hundred to four-hundred nanometers. Ultraviolet. We don't have the privilege of seeing the beauty of that color. We're blind to it. Did you know that there's no wavelength range that defines pink? Pink is only a mix. Isn't it weird how we can see something that's just an illusion but can't see something that is real? So many animals can see it. Why not us?"
I'm unaware of my rambling being out loud until Julian answers,"Yes, like love, pink cannot be defined by numbers, because it's immeasurable." He keeps slowly rocking me, gently raking my hair back. "It's going to be okay, pretty bird. I know it's scary. I know. But I do love you so it's going to be okay."
They say a baby is a miracle. Maybe this miracle can make this devil holding me a kind person and can make me whole. I know how impossible that is, but I’m trying to grapple with something. We’ve been one and a fraction for so long but maybe the baby can make us three, like magic. My thoughts disappear. Somehow, I disconnect from the world around me, I'm numb, untouchable. My stomach rumbles again. He chuckles. “I think someone is a little hungry. Come, I’ll make you anything you want.
“Julian?”
“Yes, baby?”
“Do you really want this–”
"I want everything with you." I don't understand anything. Julian keeps caressing my arm, holding me. I soak in the affection because I've been starving for it all my goddamn life. “I will never ever hurt our child, Astoria,” he whispers into my hair. “It’s the one thing I can promise you.” He gathers and presses my body to his tightly. “I promise. Now… let’s go eat something. Let’s celebrate.”
He holds my hands as we walk down the stairs and I keep having to look at his face. The thought that I’m going to have a baby with this cruel psychotic monster. Why would he want a baby?
“What do you prefer? Pancakes, waffles, French toast, or crepes?”
“Uh. Pancakes?”
“Pancakes it is.” He walks to the kitchen and begins mixing ingredients, then places a cold bottle of water on the counter before me. “Here, drink this.”
I take a sip, and sit while staring into space. He opens the case to his cell phone.
His cellphone!
I’ve never seen him with one. Maybe I can steal it. I can’t help staring at it. The sound that comes out of its speaker at full blast surprises me. It’s that Spanish song from that kid’s movie… Dos Oruguitas by Sebatian Yatras. He gazes at me with a genuine smile on his face while I try to mask my excitement about the phone.
Julian is trying to make me happy?
It’s such a foreign concept. He walks around the island toward me, pulls me from the seat to stand, and slow dances with me. Julian looks down at my face and shocks me when he sings the words in Spanish. I listen in awe to the lyrics slipping from his smiling lips and he has to wipe the tears from my face.
Does he not understand that the skull painted on his face doesn’t let me forget that he’s the same man who stalked me, raped me, whipped me, starved me, and who’s almost killed me several times, the man who has me locked in his house? It’s like some psychotic nightmare. This can’t work out. There’s no way. “Julian?”
“Yes, pretty bird?”
A long pause passes while I examine if my next words will get my head banged against a wall. “I’m pregnant–”
“Yes, you are.” The glee curves his lips again as he studies my face.
“With your… fetus.”
“Yes.”
“But I don’t even know how your face looks.”
His smile melts away. He stops dancing, and pulls closer. His eyes dig into mine and the fear that he instills in me makes me need to die. I try to back away but his hold on my hand and my back are firm and tight. As if he's reprogramming his mind, it takes too long before he promises, “You’ll see my face the day after you give birth, Astoria. Okay?”
His lips take mine and send electric waves all over my body, waves I abhor with every fiber of my being but overpower me and pull whimpers out of me. Julian breaks the kiss and pulls my head to lean on his chest as he sways and sings. The shock and relief that he's not yet again going to force himself on me comes out in my sigh. For once my body relaxes, and I close my eyes. The song promises miracles and new beginnings, and pleads for me to keep going because I don’t know what’s around the corner.
After we eat what I think are the best pancakes I’ve ever tasted, we go for a walk around the house. He shows me a huge field of red flowers. "What are these?"
"You don't know?"
I shake my head.
"Poppies."
"They're gorgeous. Why do you have so many?"
"For you." He yanks a few and hands them to me.
After, we sit under an almond tree for shade while watching the breeze comb through the overgrown grass field. I can't get over the green, the pink petals that have fallen from the dead flowers. His arms and legs embrace me from behind. I pretend it's out of love and not possession. “Julian?”
“Yes?”
“How do you know Spanish? I mean… you’re not, Latino, right?”
He chuckles. “No, I’m not. I started taking online Spanish classes when I met you.” He shrugs as if that’s the most logical thing in the world.
The rest of the day, although unforgettable, is a blur because I’m in shock and not processing everything that’s happening right in front of me. We sit on the rocking chairs on the porch drinking lemonade, watching the sunset, while music plays from inside. He prepares lunch, then dinner, and then we watch The Force Awakens and The Rise of Skywalker, where Kylo Ren falls in love with his captive and in the end… saves her life.
Sigh…