41. Like Home
Chapter forty-one
Like Home
Astoria
The next morning after Sebastian forced a kiss on me, I find a dozen white roses with a small card on my desk. I roll my eyes at the apology, take the whole thing and throw it in my trash. The sound of the glass vase shattering replaces silence. My favorite flowers are the Himalayan blue poppies, you asshole. God's gift to humanity , I remember Julian drawling one day while we sat under the almond tree. He had corn poppies but once I looked them up I decided Himalayan’s were the version I liked.
Go to hell, I say through my teeth at both of them, place the trash can outside and get to work.
It's like this every day now. White roses and an apology. Always the same pathetic words written in Sebastian's handwriting. By the end of the week, there are so many that I end up having to place them in the lobby.
"Hey." I lift my eyes to find Cristian at the door.
"Hi. Is it lunch time already?" I ask, confused that he’s here.
"No, but do you think you can settle your war of the roses with Sebastian?"
"No. Fuck him," I grumble. From the corner of my eye, I see Sebastian at the door. I see Cristian’s shocked expression. This wasn’t a set-up.
"Right. I should go," says Cristian as he rushes out.
"Can I help you?" If I could kill him with my eyes I would. Asshole.
"Did you ever read the cards?
"Yes."
"I mean it. I don't know what got into me. I'm sorry."
I sigh. "Mr. Alacaraz, please, let's just keep it professional from now on."
"Right, of course. I'll let you get back to work."
The week after, he starts showing up at the same restaurant where Cristian and I eat lunch. I can't blame him, the place does have the best food in the hotel, and perhaps he got tired of eating in his office. My cheeks burn with annoyance every time I find him there. Why do I feel naked when he's around? Why do I feel like he's looking at me throughout the entire lunch hour?
One Months Later
There is an undeniable current of chemistry between Sebastian and I. We never talk except for the occasional greeting but I can feel him nearby before I see him. It's routine now. My eyes automatically search for him in the restaurant, our gazes meet then the glee on his facepulls a smile out of me. Of course I never let him see me smiling, I turn away.
"Why don't you give him a chance?" Cristian breaks the spell.
"Because… It wouldn't be professional."
Cristian nods but we both know I'm full of shit. We both know I'm attracted to Sebastian. Despite my response, despite Sebastian always staying a certain distance away from me, I feel like he's slowly burning down my will and boundaries. I rake my nails through my hair and sigh at the thought, hoping it's just the loneliness. We spend the rest of lunch joking and talking about Cristian's dating life but the whole time, I can feel his gaze on my back.
It's almost eight when I hear knocking on my office door. Slowly, it opens to reveal Sebastian. "How did I know you would still be here on a Friday night?"
"Because you know I take my job seriously."
"I'm leaving tomorrow. The Buenos Aires location has been needing my presence for a month now. I can't delay it anymore. But… I was hoping to take you out for dinner. Unless… you have other plans?"
"Oh." The disappointment leaks through the syllable and I know he notices because he smiles. I don't want him to leave. I want to keep playing our little silent game. I want the game to keep distracting me from the truth, from Julian. "I see."
He turns around to leave.
"Sebastian, wait. I'm… actually very hungry."
At the end of dinner, our conversation full of jokes reaches an intense silence but we are comfortable in it while we stare at each other. It's a miracle that I don't jump out of my skin when his palm covers mine on the table.
"Who are you running from?"
I pull my hand away. "Who says I'm running?"
"If you’re in some sort of trouble, I can help."
"I'm not in trouble."
"Then why are you so scared? Why did you move to Mexico?"
The questions are angering me. "Because I felt like it. What are you–"
"I'm–I like you Astoria. Okay? Really like you. And I know all this attitude you've been giving me is just a front."
"I'm really tired." I stand and Sebastian follows me out of the restaurant.
I'm rushing away from him when he calls my name. "Astoria, wait." His hand lands on my shoulder. I tense and gasp at the touch. That night, when Julian grabbed me from behind and spanked me until I was nearly dead… The memories blast through my mind in an instant. It’s happening again. I don’t know how much time has passed when I turn to him, hoping he didn't notice that all my alarm bells went off when his hand touched my shoulder. But I can see it on his face, he did notice. Fuck.
"Can I call you?"
"What?"
"While I'm away, can I… May I call you?"
I don't know why my eyes fall to his lips but when they do, a heat rushes through me, from the tip of my clit to my cheeks. "Please," he begs and it's the best thing I've heard from him.
Julian’s gone, I tell myself and unconsciously nod. His hand wraps around the back of my head and he kisses my forehead.
"Thank you." The smile on his face is pure.
"Bye, Sebastian."
That very night, I search for another job but it's the off season. To get another job I'd have to move to another city, away from the coast. I love my current house. I just got it, God dammit. I may like Sebastian, but I can't risk his life. That wouldn't be fair to him.
***
Despite the time change, Sebastian calls me on my office phone every day he's gone, but I only pick up the last two times and keep it brief. When I first see him walking through the hotel again, relief fills me but I hide it. I’m typing away like crazy, in the zone, when I feel a presence at the door and resist looking. After realizing they’ve already broken my concentration, I lift my eyes. It’s him, Sebastian.
“We leave in thirty minutes,” he says with a serious expression on his face, one with no regrets.
“To?”
“To meet with the board. Are you ready?”
“Yes. I've been ready since the day you proposed the meeting.”
"Good."
I pick up ten folders with a copy of the reports and my USB so I can present to the others. In the limousine on the way to the heliport, we don’t say a word. The meeting goes spectacularly well. In the limousine, I realize that we’re taking a different route than before. “Where are we going?” I ask.
“To my house.”
Despite our short phone calls, I panic. “No we are not. Take me home.”
“Astoria, relax. There’s a storm coming and helicopter flights are not advised.”
“Take me home.”
Sebastian stares at me as if I've lost my mind. “Manuel, can you please turn up the volume on the weather report?”
The radio confirms everything he said. I let a long breath out and grind my teeth. When I peek at him, he’s studying me. I close my eyes and take a deep breath to calm my nerves. He’s not going to lock me in a basement. What are the chances? Calm down. But I can't. My breath will not equalize; my right leg bounces. I stare out the window while biting my thumbnail. It’s okay. I know how to defend myself now. I’ll fucking kill him.
“ Sierra la ventana, por favor, ” Sebastian requests of the chauffeur. (Close the window, please.)
After watching the window rise up, I turn my gaze to him and demand, “Get me a hotel room.”
“Why? What are you so scared of?"
I don't respond.
"God, you're such a pain in the ass. We’re going to my house and that’s that.”
After an hour’s drive, the car slows down and takes a right turn up a steep mountain. Our eyes meet. “We’re here.”
It’s a very modern white house, with a stunning view of the ocean. From this height, the ocean is flat, its violent waves seem like tiny ripples, and the sky has gigantic gray clouds, and lightning striking in the distance.
“Sebastian!” Two old ladies rush out of the house smiling with open arms. “Dios mio! Cuantos meses que no vienes!” (My God! How many months have we not seen you?) They hug him, squeeze his face and kiss him.
“Hola mama. Hola abuela.”
I’m left stunned. Julian didn't have family in his house. He’s not kidnapping me.
“This is Astoria Torres, my future wife.”
Sebastian smiles at me and I roll my eyes and glare at him. "He's joking," I clarify. "We are co-workers."
“Ahh!” his mom fakes a scream. “ Pero que mu?eca! Sorry Astoria. What I said is–” (What a doll!)
“ Yo se Espa?ol. Muchas gracias, Se?ora Alcaraz. Es mi honor conocerla. ” (I know Spanish. Thanks a lot, Mrs. Alcaraz. It’s my honor to meet you.)
“ Sebastian, te ganaste la loteria. ” (Sebastian, you won the lottery.)
We laugh. His grandmother walks over to me and stares into my eyes, making me feel like she’s digging into my soul. She cups my right cheek and takes my hand. “ Mi ni?a, cuanto terror pasaste para tener tanto miedo ?” (My girl. How much terror did you survive to be so scared?)
My breath gets caught and my eyes fill with tears. This woman has read me like a book. I feel naked and can't help but look at Sebastian.
“ Abuela… ”
“ Shh. Callate. ” She slaps him on the arm, then turns back to me, kisses my cheek, and hugs me. I hug her back using all my might, trying not to break down. The last time a Latina mom hugged me was… I can’t remember. I have to wipe my eyes after, and look away from all of them as the two women turn to call us for dinner.
Sebastian takes two steps over to me and offers me his hand while smiling. “Do you like the view?” He tips his chin toward the ocean.
I chuckle, finding it funny that he’s pointing at the menacing clouds I didn't believe to exist earlier. When I look back, he is close to me, too close, and his eyes are staring at my lips. My smile disappears and I turn my face away.
“Do you believe me now?"
“I’ll never believe you.”
“Sebastian, la cena.”
We both smile. I stare at my hand firmly gripped by his as we walk up the steep hill and steps to the front door. Usually I wouldn't allow him to touch me at all but with the heels I'm wearing, I'm not so confident.
“I bought this house for them ten years ago. Best purchase I ever made. My Dad’s probably watching football or as you Americans like to call it, soccer.”
I stay quiet throughout dinner but laugh every other second, almost getting no food in my mouth between his parents and grandma, arguing about every silly little thing I could think of and then gossiping about family.
His mother escorts me to my room and shows me the ensuite. It’s supposed to be a guest room, but it’s more like a master bedroom. When I finish taking a quick shower and wrap myself in a towel, the door on the other side opens and it’s Sebastian. He holds on to the top of the door frame. “I just wanted you to know that I’m right next door… if you need anything.” His eyes sweep down from my face.
He’s about to leave, closing his door, when I call, “Sebastian.” My heart hammers while my brain asks me what the fuck am I doing?
He waits for me to speak. I fist the knot, keeping the towel wrapped around my chest and bite my lip, knowing my hands are turning white from how hard I’m squeezing. “I think you’re very attractive, and tonight was… amazing." I clear my throat. "And I’m sorry I misjudged you but… even if I wanted to, nothing else can happen between us. It’s–”
He walks over to me. “It’s?”
“It’s not safe.”
He nods. "I was right. You are running from someone. Who is it? Is it the Sinaloa Cartel?"
"Sinaloa? No. I'm not being chased by a cartel."
"What if it was safe?" He places his hands on my waist and stares at my mouth while waiting for my answer. "Would you want me? Would you… let me kiss those lips again?"
I slowly shake my head and take a step away. My back hits the door. "That's not reality, Sebastian."
"What are you so scared of Astoria?" His gaze drops to my hand. "Is it the guy who stabbed your hand?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Tell me."
"It's late and I'm very tired. I'll see you tomorrow." While Sebastian nods, I turn the knob on the door and slowly walk into my room. Even though he's been a decent person all day, I can't help feeling as if I just dodged a bullet.
The next Monday I discover he's gone. This time he didn't bother telling me and he doesn't call me. Good. Within two weeks, I'm back to my routine. No more games. I get used to being lonely again, not feeling anything. There's nothing worrying me, nothing to distract me from my thoughts and feelings for Julian anymore. My nights belong to him again. I belong to him. There is no threat to worry about. This means I fall off the wagon again, touching and hurting myself while crying and screaming his name, eventually reverting back to hating myself for wanting Julian.
On a Friday morning, I find white roses on my desk. The glee pours out of me. I open the card with a wide smile on my face. Looks like I’m destined to apologize to you with white roses. I'm sorry I didn't have the chance to let you know I would be away. I missed you. Come stay at my place tonight, have dinner with my family again.
"Hola, Mami." When I turn around I find Sebastian leaning against the opened office door. I try to act nonchalant but it's too late. He saw me smiling over the note and flowers. Instead of running to hug him, I step back.
Every Friday after, we spend it with his parents, watching novelas, playing cards and board games, and always sleeping in neighboring bedrooms. It doesn't take long for his family, house, and him to feel like the home I always dreamed of. His family is so loving to me. It’s like I’m drowning in a pool of safe love. There are no eggshells for me to walk on and I don’t have to pay their bills to get a decent conversation out of them. Cristian takes in my cats anytime I’m not home.
On the fourth Friday, we arrive at his parents later than usual after eating out. I shower, put on a satin nightgown, the kind that Julian would like but red, not white. There’s a presence in the room when I’m about to climb into bed.
"W-what are you doing here?" I ask and turn to him.
"Come with me?"
"What? Where?"
"In a few weeks I have to go to Thailand, Astoria, and I can't stand the idea of being so far away from you. Come with me."
"I can't. It's not safe." He says the last three words at the same time as me while nodding.
"Tell me why. Who's got you like this, shaking, and terrified?" He takes a step toward me and lowers his face to my level. I can feel his breath on my lips. "I'm going to kiss you now. Okay?" He waits for me to meet his gaze and then his lips consume mine in a passionate kiss that sends an electricity through all of my body down to my clit. I moan. His arms wrap around me, caressing my back while I shake like a leaf in a hurricane. His lips kiss my neck then return to my mouth again.
Only Asher ever kissed me like this. The thought wakes me. I break the kiss and gasp.
“It’s okay." His palm cups my cheek. "I'm not going to hurt you. Don't you want me?"
I’m dizzy and wanting, no, needing a dick inside me. But I can’t. Julian will kill us. I can’t do that to Sebastian, to his family. I step away. Sebastian looks like he's in pain. "I can't do this anymore. I need you to trust me and give me something-"
"Something?" I ask.
"Yeah. Something that will tell me that you feel the same for me as I do for you."
"I don't," I lie and turn away, unable to take the pain in his eyes. “Please go back to your room, Sebastian.”
He moves my wet hair to the side and exclaims, “Jesus! Who did this to you?"
Quickly, I turn around to hide the scars on my back from him. I know how horrible they look. I can’t meet his eyes, so he takes my chin between his fingers. “Who the fuck did that to you? Is it the same asshole who gave you those scars on your hands? That scar on your leg? Who!" he screams the last word. "He can’t get to you anymore. Not when you’re with me.” It’s a promise of safety I’ve been needing for four years.
I allow the illusion of it to sink into my mind. I’m safe. He can’t get to me. Sebastian kisses me again and this time, I don't stop him. Sebastian makes love to me but Asher is on my mind the entire time, making sure that nothing arouses me as much as he did. Afterwards, I cry inconsolably in his arms, knowing I can't run away from the truth anymore. Sebastian may think he can protect me from Julian but he can’t keep him out of my mind, and he can't stop my insatiable craving for him.
I am his. My mind is his. I’m in love with Asher.