43. Like a Dream
Chapter forty-three
Like a Dream
Astoria
Having to accept that I am in love with Asher is like throwing my mind into a hot frying pan. It's not just that it shows I was always his whore as he'd put it, but my feelings for him are raw and stronger than ever.
For the next three days, I become a zombie, lying on my sofa and calling in sick to work.
On Tuesday night, the phone rings.
"Astoria."
"Hmm?"
"It's me. Sebastian."
I sigh but don't say anything.
"Are you ok?"
Three jumps onto the sofa next to me, drags his fur against my folded legs, then meows, letting me know he's hungry. I run my nails through his fur.
"Astoria, if you don't answer me I'm going to show up at your door."
"I'm fine." I hang up.
The next day I go to work. Things with Sebastian progress too fast because for the next few days, I'm not present. Anything he wants, I simply do. This way, I can't think of my feelings for Julian. Even Cristian notices something is off. "You're doing that thing you used to do when you first got here," he says to me during lunch one day.
"What?"
"Talking about numbers a lot. It's cute though. It's like you're in your own world." He chuckles. I return the smile but I know he's uncomfortable. Mindy protests about it too.
I've turned off my emotions and most of the time, I'm in another world but I can't find my way back to reality. One night, despite knowing it will make me sick, I force myself to remember exactly how it felt to be impaled and raped, then whipped and to almost die from it; to not feel the sun on my skin for months and lose a child that he forced me to carry. Success. My hate for Julian erupts, almost breaking me, and I cry myself to sleep.
To my horror, my disgusting, pathetic, idiotic love for him returns the very next morning. In wanting to avoid it, I agree to more dates with Sebastian, more weekends at his parents, more sex. It feels good to be loved by someone, to fuck, to be held, and to be surrounded by a family I could only dream of. But none of it feels real, it's all an escape from my truth, that I'm in love with my rapist. Some might say that I’m stringing Sebastian along but I’m just trying to move on, trying to allow the good guy to love me and forget the bad guy, trying to stop being paranoid about Julian showing up.
In the brief moments I become aware and manage to assess the state of my life, I feel extremely uncomfortable that Sebastian has burned a lot of my boundaries too quickly. It’s like I’m in a car without breaks, on the side of a mountain, approaching a curve. I tell myself I'll end it when he leaves for Thailand, and get another job. But Sebastian doesn't miss a beat. All he does is spoil me. Then I tell myself that it's okay as long as he doesn’t break the three rules we've established.
One, our situationship is a secret. We act professional on the weekdays, but on the weekends we always go to his parents’ house. Two, Sebastian cannot come anywhere near my home. If Julian is watching me…Three, he can't ask me about my past.
I don’t dare say a word of what’s happening to Mindy because I fear that Julian is connected to my devices and listening or watching. I can’t ask her to come here because she’s pregnant and trying to get everything done at work before she pops.
A Week Later
It’s Friday afternoon when Sebastian walks into my office. “We need to leave earlier than usual, Mami.”
“Sebastian–” I protest.
“I promise this will be the last time I ever ask you to leave your job early, but you need to be done in–” He checks his phone. “Five minutes.”
“Jesus!”
“Yes. You can call him tonight when we’re fucking. Come on, just this once. I'm leaving for Thailand in three days.”
As we walk out of the hotel, I have to almost run to keep up with him. We drive to the heliport and fly.
“Where are we going that you’re in such a hurry?”
“It’s a surprise.”
“What? What do you mean?”
He kisses me, smiles, pats my thigh and says, “I mean, relax and let me surprise you.”
I look at the clouds and sigh. I abhor surprises. Julian always surprised me with his ‘gifts’.
We end up at his parents, so I’m very perplexed, wondering where the surprise is. His mother meets us at the door. “Hola mi amor,” she greets me and then kisses her son. “ No puedo creer que tu estas haciendo esto. ” (I can’t believe you are doing this.)
“ Que esta asiendo ?” (What is he doing?)
“ Ah no. Yo no me meto en eso. ” (I won’t get in the middle of it.)
“Stop trying to find out and relax.” The more he says that, the more I feel like a cat in a cold shower.
“ Ven conmigo. ” (Come with me.) His mom takes my hand and we walk to the bedroom I usually sleep in. On the bed, there’s a white silk dress with a train. It’s a wedding dress. I swallow deep. “Um. I can’t do this,” I say to her. “I need to talk to Sebastian.” I run through bathroom to his room only to find it empty.
“Where is he?”
“Why don’t you put on the dress and we will find him. Maybe he will change your mind and you don’t want to end up ruining something this big.” I stare at her for some time.
His mother helps me put it on and then brings a crown made of pearls. Can I do this? I can’t do this. Julian said he’d always find me. But it has been four months since I’ve been with Sebastian. With Romeo, he didn’t even let me date him.
It’s over. He’s gone, Tory.
His mom comes back in and takes my cold, clammy, shaking hand in hers. “You know. He’s never brought any other girl home, right? Sebastian told me you had a terrible relationship before.” She sighs and shakes her head. “Men can be such monsters. I’m so sorry about that, mija. I always wanted a daughter, but things don’t always go according to plan. But with you… it’s like another opportunity. He’s a good man, I promise. I taught him well. He will never hurt you.”
Isn’t that what every mother would say? I realize I’m being ridiculous and completely unfair to the man who has been nothing but perfect, and to his family as well. It’s the first time I let out a breath of relief. We walk to the front of the house where his father meets me. “Would you like me to walk with you down the aisle?”
I smile, my eyes brimming with tears. “Yes.” I hook my arm onto his and we walk to the patio where his family is. My eyes scan the place and find Cristian closer to the altar. I am so relieved and chuckle at him. Then my eyes meet Sebastian's and a tear drops from my eye. His grandma hands me the bouquet and we walk.
When I reach the altar and take his hand, I ask him, “What have you done?”
“I told you that you would be my wife. You can stay here while I go for Thailand but I can’t leave knowing you are still not my wife. Marry me, ice queen.”
This is what it’s supposed to be like, not perfect but feeling safe, with family, being loved. Everything feels like a dream after that. I try to take in every detail. It feels like another life, although I wish Mindy could be here. We take traditional vows. Sebastian puts the engagement and wedding ring on my finger and we kiss. The cheers end our kissing because we both laugh.
I’m in fucking heaven. I mean, I’ve never felt so pretty; everything around me is gorgeous, the flowers, the cake, the altar, the ocean view, the sunset–everything. I must have died in Julian’s basement, and this is all an eternal dream. Things are too perfect.
Sebastian hugs me from behind. “Thanks for helping me on such short notice,” he says to everyone. Things move so fast I can hardly keep up. We have to do pictures, and dancing, then the cake, and before I know it we’re in a limousine at midnight, and I’m exhausted out of my mind.
Even though I only had two glasses of champagne, I’m drunk. The world is swerving and swirling and it’s not the car. Crap, I’m feeling so sick. My eyes widen; I’m way too drunk. My breathing goes off kilter, and I swallow hard.
“Sebastian… I think I’m going to be sick.” I’m hyperventilating.
“Is my ice nervous?”
“No. I only had two drinks. What’s going on? Something’s wrong.”
“It’s okay. Relax. You’ll be in bed–”
I don’t hear the rest of it. I’m gone.