Chapter 32
Maddox stood in the middle of the empty room gathering up the bag that Bobbette had brought. Gran had been taken off somewhere for testing, and would then go to the room she’d been admitted to.
Unlike the upbeat nurse who had zipped in and out of the room, the hospitalist who had come to Gran’s room to speak to Maddox had possessed zero bedside manner.
When he’d explained his diagnosis and recommendations for the future, he’d been brusque, which Maddox wouldn't have minded on a normal day.
But when combined with the stress and worry, his behavior had been jarring, to say the least.
His cold and clinical attitude was especially jarring in contrast to Denise’s surprising show of gentleness.
She had been so patient and helpful in the car.
Maddox had been such a mess. They wouldn’t have blamed Denise for driving as far away as California or Pennsylvania as soon as she’d dropped them off at the hospital.
The last thing they’d expected was to see her standing in the doorway of Gran’s room.
She’d seemed ready to stay around all day, for no logical reason than that Maddox might need her.
At first, it had made Maddox nervous for her to be there.
But just as it had in the car, Denise’s presence soon became an anchoring comfort.
She had been kind to Gran and supportive without being overbearing.
In short, Denise had been wonderful. And Maddox had never been so frustrated in their life!
Having her here in Maddox’s space, seeing into corners of their life that only those closest to them ever did, was doing nothing to help their growing feelings for her.
Feelings Maddox had successfully ignored until recently.
Feelings that were awkwardly misplaced. Because there was no way Denise Farrington could ever be anything more than a temporary presence in Maddox’s life.
Not only that, she was from a family with the kind of wealth Maddox’s ladder-climbing dad could’ve only dreamed about.
She might view Maddox as a fun distraction—and even that part still surprised them, if they thought about it too hard—but never as a serious partner. Never as someone to care about.
That’s why Denise’s behavior was confusing.
Sometimes she could act so much like a woman who did care.
Like she had on the night they’d shared.
Like today. Maddox could too easily be lulled into thinking there was something here.
But then it would only be a matter of time before they’d have to remember their place again.
Their place was here in the real world, not in some made-up fantasy.
Maddox closed their eyes and drew in a deep breath.
The harsh chemical smell of disinfectant filled their nostrils.
From the hall, they could hear the persistent beep of EKGs and the whir of oxygen machines.
An ambulance siren wailed as it drew closer and closer to the hospital.
The room’s cold air prickled their skin, and Maddox shuddered.
When Penny had called them from the nursing home this morning, the first thing she’d said when Maddox had answered was, “We had to call an ambulance for your grandmother.”
In so many ways, it had felt like that other call eight years ago when Maddox’s argument with their dad had been viciously cut off by the sound of squealing brakes and crashing metal.
This morning, like then, dread had slammed down over Maddox’s heart like an iron gate.
They’d been certain Penny was about to tell them they had lost Gran.
God, they hadn’t been ready for that.
Maddox’s knees threatened to buckle under the weight of the thought. The adrenaline and stress of rushing over here were ebbing away, leaving them shaky with the lingering dread.
“Maddox, do you want a cup of coffee?” Denise asked as she entered the room carrying two Styrofoam cups. But she stopped short when she saw their face. Those lovely sculpted eyebrows dipped low in worry as she looked around. “Are you okay? Where’s your grandmother?”
“I’m fine,” Maddox answered, their voice higher pitched than usual thanks to the strain of trying to sound normal and not about to burst into tears.
They really didn’t want Denise to witness another meltdown.
“They just took her to the lab for some tests, and then she’ll be on her way to the room upstairs where she’ll stay overnight. ”
“But the doctor thinks she’ll be okay, right?”
Maddox nodded. “He confirmed what I kind of thought, that not taking her diuretic had caused the fluid to build up around her lungs. The oxygen and IV they gave her helped.”
“That’s a relief,” Denise said with a faint smile.
“It is,” Maddox agreed.
Denise hesitated. “So…what’s going on? Do you still feel guilty?”
“I don’t think so. I guess I see I couldn’t have kept this from happening. But I just…” Maddox clamped their mouth shut. What were they doing? This was neither the time nor place nor, most especially, the person to vent to about this!
Yet as they looked at Denise, her hazel eyes were so kind and searching.
Maddox could nearly fall into them. They had heard the phrase drowning in her eyes in a sappy audiobook romance once and had thought it was ridiculous, but now they were beginning to understand it: that inescapable pull to another person.
“You just what?” Denise asked. Her tone was impossibly gentle.
“You don’t have to listen to my rambling.”
“No, I don’t have to,” Denise agreed. “Any more than you had to sit and talk me through my nerves during the FunDaze conference. But you did anyway. And reminded me that it’s not such a bad thing to have a listening ear when you need it.”
Their jaw slackened as they fought the urge to stare at Denise. In some ways, they couldn’t believe she was actually talking about that time. Lately, it had seemed like she wanted to forget it, like she had forgotten it. But not now.
Maddox drew in a breath. “It’s just that, when they called me from the home today, I thought I’d lost her.
Maybe I almost did. And she’s all I have, you see?
For the past seven years, it’s just been me and Gran, and I’m not ready to say goodbye.
I feel less ready for that than I felt losing my parents.
“And believe me. I know how silly that probably sounds. That I’m not ready. She’s eighty-seven years old with congestive heart failure and dementia. It’s not like it would be considered a big shock. Or even a tragedy. But it would be to me.”
Their face burned with embarrassment as even hotter tears trickled down their cheeks. They put a hand over their eyes. “I’m sorry. Things are just a little heavy today.”
Light pressure tickled the hand not covering their face as Denise pressed several tissues into Maddox’s palm and squeezed their hand before letting go. They accepted the tissues and quickly wiped their eyes before looking up. “Do you think I’m being silly?”
Denise gave her head a firm shake. “Not even a little bit. I’m thinking about how that’s a lot for one person to carry. And I’m glad you’re giving yourself a minute to let it all out.”
Maddox nodded, but didn’t trust their voice since tears still choked their throat.
Denise seemed to understand their predicament because she didn’t look as if she expected them to keep talking.
Instead, she took a sip of the coffee she’d brought in.
It was probably tepid by now. “I guess I’m also thinking what a…
remarkable thing it must be to be Louise.
To live your life in a way that inspires that kind of love.
And to be the kind of person who, if you left this world at eighty-seven, it would still be too fucking soon. ”
Maddox nodded. “Too fucking soon. If we could all be that remarkable, right?”
Denise’s only reply was to study them with an odd smile that Maddox didn’t have the capacity to unpack at the moment.
After a few moments of comfortable silence, Denise glanced at her watch. “Do you think your gran is done with testing by now?”
“Probably.”
Denise tilted her head toward the door. “Shall we?”
They walked down the hall toward the elevator. It wasn’t a big hospital, and Maddox had been there before and knew how to get to the floor where Gran would be staying without asking for directions.
As they entered the elevator and the doors closed on them, Denise asked, “Did you say Louise has dementia?”
“Yeah, you don’t always notice it in brief conversations, but the longer you talk, the more she’ll repeat herself or ask you to repeat yourself. Things like that.”
“Hmm. I wondered if that might be the case,” Denise said.
“Why did you think that? Gran was pretty sharp today, all things considered.”
Denise shrugged. “Well, I heard her use she/her pronouns for you a couple of times. I figured either you’ve never come out to her as nonbinary or she’d forgotten.”
“Oh.” Maddox wouldn’t have even expected Denise to notice something like that. “You’re right, actually. She’s known I was into women the whole time I’ve lived with her, but I didn’t figure out I was enby until a few years ago. I came out to her, but she doesn’t always remember that, no.”
Denise touched their shoulder lightly. “I’m sorry. That sounds hard.”
“Thanks, but it’s not so bad. The first time I talked to her about it, she was really sweet. She said, "I don’t quite understand all of that, but I know you’re mine and I love you. All I want is for you to be happy, whatever that looks like for you."
The elevator doors opened with a ding, and then Maddox gestured for Denise to exit. That’s when they noticed the slight sheen in her eyes. “That’s really beautiful.”
She stepped into the hall, and Maddox followed. Denise’s reaction made Maddox wonder if she had ever experienced that level of unconditional love and acceptance. Those things were a gift that Maddox would never take for granted.
“It was beautiful,” Maddox agreed as the two of them slowly walked down the hall toward Gran’s new room.
They paused near an empty waiting area. “But here’s the thing: even though she doesn’t remember that first conversation, every time the topic has come up again, she’s basically said the same thing. ”
“Really?”
“Really.” Maddox shoved their hands in their pockets.
“And I don’t know. I guess I’ve learned to be in the moment with her and appreciate each of those moments for what they are.
It doesn’t bother me if the conversation has to happen more than once.
Maybe I need the reminder just as much as she does. ”
“Wow,” Denise murmured. “What a lovely way to look at it.”
They continued walking until they reached the doorway of Gran’s room. Before they went inside, Denise turned to Maddox. “I’m really glad the people here have been able to help your gran today and that you’ll have some more moments with her.”
“Thank you,” Maddox said quietly. “And not just for saying that. Thank you for everything you’ve done today.”