Chapter 43
Maddox hadn’t tried to contact Denise again for the rest of the day.
They’d gone about their work in a daze and filled their evening with even more tasks than usual, putting off the thoughts that would inevitably come crashing back once they were back in their room.
Now here they were. Alone in their bed, wide awake, with nothing left to do but replay the conversation with Darby in their head.
God, they wanted so much to write off Darby and her words. But they couldn’t. The woman clearly had her own selfish agenda for doing all of this, but that didn’t mean she’d been wrong.
Maddox was still unconvinced Denise would believe the bullshit story about them demanding money in return for not spreading a filthy lie.
Mostly unconvinced, anyway. They would give anything to hear Denise’s voice assuring them of that fact herself, though.
But there was the problem. Should they be calling her? She hadn’t called them. That had to mean something. Most likely, it meant Denise was dealing with the fallout from Darby’s lie and her dad finding out about her and Maddox.
What had that been like? Did Denise’s dad even know she was queer? Would that be another one of the many things about this situation that he’d consider a threat to his company and reputation?
Probably.
And Denise was stuck there facing the whole mess alone. Maddox’s heart ached at the thought, even as their pulse spiked in frustration at their helplessness to be there for her.
Because the other reason Denise hadn’t called could be that she was seeing her relationship with Maddox in a different light now that she was home.
Darby had laid it all out so neatly. Even without the phony blackmail, Denise’s father wouldn’t approve of her being with someone like Maddox, and he’d punish her for it.
Denise would face embarrassment, maybe even exclusion from her community.
And her friends would probably want more for her on so many levels.
More than a hotel flunky whose very presence had already thrown Denise’s life into chaos.
Stay where you belong.
When would Maddox learn? Every time they stepped outside the clear roles life set for them, they and usually someone they cared about paid the price!
Okay, so maybe they had connected with Denise.
Maybe the way the two of them had talked and laughed and shared space and explored each other’s bodies had been more special than anything Maddox had ever experienced, but why couldn’t they have just appreciated that for what it was?
Why did they have to go and press for more?
Why had they tried to romance Denise and pull her in close like they actually had something to offer her?
Maddox groaned as they tossed onto their side and tried to beat their pillow into submission. The aroma of lavender wafted up and teased their nose.
Denise.
If Maddox closed their eyes, they could still imagine her here like she was this morning. All calm and cozy, dressed only in one of Maddox’s oversized t-shirts and socks, and curled up beside them in bed while they drank coffee.
She had looked so relaxed and well-cared for…
Maddox had done that. They had given her a moment of peace and comfort and being seen in the midst of her stressful life.
But that’s all it should have been. They had nearly ruined everything for Denise by pressing for more.
They hoped with everything they had that things hadn’t been ruined for good.
If you care about her even the slightest bit, you won’t force her to risk the people and things that matter most to her.
Maddox did care. More than they could even stand to admit. So they would do what they had to do. Stay where they belonged and leave Denise alone so she could sort things out and hopefully have the dreams and life she deserved.
A little before six in the morning, Maddox gave up on trying to sleep and got up for the day.
Even though it wasn’t their usual time to visit, they decided to go see Gran.
They’d wanted to check in with her even more frequently to ensure she was on her proper medicine schedule.
But beyond that, Maddox ached for her comforting presence.
Sometimes they really missed living with her.
When Maddox arrived, Gran was already awake and sitting up in her chair watching the birds flutter outside her window in the half-light of early sunrise. One of the word search books Maddox had bought her lay unopened on her tray table.
Maddox forced a note of cheerfulness into their voice they didn’t feel and entered the room. “Morning, Gran. I brought you a blueberry donut!”
They set the bag with the pastry on her table and bent down to kiss her cheek.
Gran looked up at them. Her eyes were pensive even as she forced an unfocused smile. “Hi.”
Maddox’s stomach clenched. “How do you feel today, Gran?”
Ever since Gran had first gotten diagnosed with dementia, Maddox had lived in fear of a day when they’d come to her room and she wouldn’t remember who they were. Was this—
“Oh, I guess I’m okay, Maddie,” she said, and Maddox let out a relieved sigh.
They found a napkin and set the donut out on it. “You’re not doing your word search this morning?”
“No. I was thinking about my mama and daddy and our house out on the old highway. They’ve been gone a long time now. And so has my brother Tom. Then we lost Tyson and your mama,” Gran mused. “My only son.”
Maddox squeezed their eyes shut. Most days, they could keep the guilt over the accident at bay, but after the night they’d had, it was too easy to let it wash over them all over again. “I’m so sorry about Dad, Gran.”
Gran’s forehead crinkled. “Why are you sorry?”
Shit. Why had Maddox said that? Gran probably didn’t remember the circumstances around her son and daughter-in-law’s death.
“That car accident wasn’t your fault. You weren’t even there,” Gran said, once again surprising Maddox about what parts of the past she’d held onto.
“No, I wasn’t,” they agreed. “But I was on the phone arguing with him.”
Maddox sank into the visitor’s chair opposite Gran’s.
“I know there’s a good chance the car wreck would have happened anyway.
But it’s not just that. I was making his and mom’s life more stressful than it already was with my school problems. Sometimes I wonder if I had tried harder to be the kind of kid he wanted me to be, maybe things would have been different. For all of us.”
They had failed to stay within the lines of who they were expected to be even then, and look where it had gotten everyone. You’d think they would have learned their lesson by now.
Gran didn’t say anything for a while, and Maddox wondered if she’d dozed off.
But when they looked at her, she was frowning even harder than she had been before.
“Maddie, I loved Tyson, but nothing and nobody was ever the way he wanted them to be. Probably because things were so rough for us when his father left that all he cared about when he was growing up was getting away. Then all he cared about was getting more and more things and better and better things. Even when he was blessed with a beautiful wife and baby, it still wasn’t enough. ”
Maddox leaned forward, listening intently. They’d never heard Gran talk about their dad’s character and personality that frankly before. And she wasn’t done.
“It wasn’t your job to be what he wanted. Your job was to become the Maddie the good Lord made you to be. If you and Tyson clashed, it was because you were trying to do that. You were just fighting to be yourself because you knew it’s the only way you’d be happy.”
Fighting to be themself? Was that what they’d been doing?
Maddox stared out the window. For years, they’d viewed that time in their life as one of rebellion and frustration.
But what if it had really just been them growing up?
Becoming their own individual person with a parent who couldn’t quite accept that because of his own hangups.
The perspective was an incredibly freeing one. They could almost sense the tension from years of self-blame begin to ease from their bones. And it left space for compassion for their dad instead of resentment.
“You deserve to be happy, Maddie,” Gran said. “I hope you won’t ever stop fighting for that.”
Maddox blinked back a rogue tear as Gran’s words found their way to their heart.
The truth was they had stopped fighting at some point.
They had gotten so used to their supposed place in life that they’d let it define them, convinced it was all they needed or deserved.
Convinced that asking for anything more would end in disaster. But what if they were wrong?
“You know,” Gran began quietly, drawing Maddox’s attention back to her, “when you came to live with me, you were so heartbroken and lost. All I wanted was to see you happy. I didn’t know how to help. So I just tried to give you a safe place to be you.”
This time, the tear slid down Maddox’s cheek unchecked. They moved closer to Gran and knelt by her chair to take her hand. “You did that and much more. You’ve given me so much love. Shoot, I think you taught me how to love.”
Smiling, Gran leaned down to press her forehead against Maddox’s. “Nah. You were good at that already.”
When the visit was over, Maddox got back in their old Toyota and stared out the window as the trees that surrounded the nursing home swayed in the morning breeze.
You deserve to be happy.
A few months ago, nothing would have convinced Maddox that Gran was right about that. They hadn’t believed it about themself in years…until Denise.
Memories of the past few days flooded their mind.
Their heartrate picked up as they pictured Denise’s smile and laugh, all the dozens of little things they’d learned about her and tucked away in their mind and heart like precious treasures.
The way she really seemed to look inside and see the real Maddox.
And Maddox saw her too. They saw the beautiful, sensitive, smart, and resilient woman she was. And they wanted to see even more. They would gladly spend years getting to know her. They would gladly give Denise what really mattered: a safe place to be her…for as long as she wanted it.
If she wanted it.
There was only one way to find out.