CHAPTER 12
CARA
I had no idea what time it was when I woke.
I didn’t have my cell phone – I hadn’t seen it since that night at my apartment in Chicago.
I did quickly realise that I had fallen asleep in the corner of the closet I had been cowering in the night before though.
Arran was gone and I was laid on a thick mound of blankets and duvets, my head on a pillow and a thick duvet covering me too.
I had slept more soundly there, and I knew that was likely because I distinctly remembered talking to Arran and Rafe until my exhaustion won over.
I had been curled up in Arran’s arms when I closed my eyes and fell to sleep instantly, and I had felt so comfortable and secure there with him.
Now that thought was completely mortifyingly embarrassing.
I had climbed into the lap of that guy and clung to him, pleaded with him not to leave me, and told him way too much in my anxiety ridden state.
I didn’t even know him! What would he have thought of me?
It was little wonder he had slipped away as soon as he was able.
I couldn’t believe I had done that, but I hadn’t been able to stop myself.
I’d been a mess of fear and panic when he found me in that closet, and something about the tone of his voice, the oddity of his accent, it just soothed me.
The next thing I knew I had a firm hold of him and never wanted him to stop talking.
With a loud groan I sat up and rubbed at my sore eyes.
I had no doubt they were red and angry from me crying the night before too.
I knew I had to work harder to hold myself together.
I was relying too much on the kindness of everyone I had come into contact with that crazy week, and with all of the new chaos in my mind, I was on the edge – coming way too close to just breaking down and not even trying to get it together again.
I couldn’t allow that to happen. I had to stay in control.
It was the only way I had survived to that point and I had to keep pushing, at least until I was sure what my next move was.
I forced myself to my feet and stretched out my aching back.
The only way for me not to dwell on the mess in my mind, and find a way to keep going, was to move, and keep moving.
I needed to not give myself time to think and I needed to exhaust myself before it came time for me to sleep again.
I could not have nightmares like the night before, and I absolutely could not fall apart the way I had.
I straightened up the blankets and covers into a neat, folded stack in the corner. I would have put them away, but I had every intention of sleeping in the closet that night too. I’d do whatever it took to make me feel safe enough to not break down again.
I started out of the closet, but stopped when I realised, for the first time, that I wasn’t alone in there.
In the front, darkened corner of the space laid Rafe on the carpet, fast asleep using only his arm as a pillow.
He was still dressed in the clothes he’d had on last night and he looked unbelievably uncomfortable, his long and bulky frame squeezed into the small space.
I was a little overwhelmed that he had stayed with me all night.
Any lingering doubts that may have remained in my mind, about Rafe were being eradicated one by one with every kind thing he did for me.
He had slept on the floor of a closet just to be with me, despite the fact I knew he’d been completely exhausted from lack of sleep already.
Why else would he do that, other than genuine worry for me?
Everything he did and said seemed to show more and more that he really did love me, and that he was simply happy to have me back.
I needed to cut him some slack, I told myself, and give him more of a chance.
I knew it had to hurt him every time I did something that showed I didn’t completely trust him.
“Rafe?” I dropped down to my knees, ignoring the jolt of pain the movement sent racing up my side.
“Rafe?” I put my hand on his shoulder and gave it a light shake.
At that, his eyes shot open and he sat up so fast he almost head-butted me.
Thankfully, life had given me quick reflexes and I dodged to the side in time, trying not to show the agony that move caused from my bruised ribs.
“Cara! Jesus!” Rafe reached out to grab me, stopping me from toppling too far to the side. “Sorry. Are you alright?” he asked as he held onto my forearms between us and seemed to study me for injury.
“Yeah. Sorry I woke you.”
“It’s fine. What time is it?”
I shrugged and Rafe pulled his cell from his pocket, pressing a button to bring the screen to life. I was shocked when it said 11.33 A.M. Even with my near break down through the night, I had to have slept for hours.
“You didn’t have to stay in here with me,” I told him when he pocketed his phone again and rubbed tiredly at his face.
“I know I didn’t have to. I wanted to. I didn’t want you waking from another nightmare alone, and Arran left once we got you situated a little more comfortably. How are you feeling?” he asked.
“Clearer. I’m so sorry about last night.
I can’t imagine what Arran must be thinking about me right now.
I hope I didn’t embarrass you too badly.
” I lowered my gaze as memories of Marcello screaming at Rafe, me, and Gia about not embarrassing the family name over and over again, replayed through my mind.
“Nothing you could ever do would embarrass me, Cara,” Rafe said as he gently placed his hand beneath my chin and eased my face up to meet his.
“I told you before, I don’t care how you behave in front of my men.
They’re loyal to me and to our family, no matter what.
I’m not Dad. You, Gia, and the men I now consider my family will always come before the business or anything else in my life. Do you believe me, sweetheart?”
“I do,” I agreed easily, because I saw the honesty in his words as he spoke them while never moving his gaze from mine.
“Good,” he nodded. “And as for Arran, he is part of our family now. You never have to worry about any of the men who live in this house seeing you on your toughest days. They will all understand and be there for you. I can promise you that.”
“I’m happy you surrounded yourself with people you trust and can count on, Rafe,” I told him with a sad smile.
I hated that we had both lived so much of our lives without one another, but I was happy knowing that he hadn’t been trapped with our monster of a father all of that time, as my mother had told me he would have been.
“You can trust them too, if you give them a chance.”
“I’ll try,” I agreed, knowing it was what he needed to hear.
I had no idea what the hell was really going on with me.
I couldn’t honestly say the terrifying thoughts that allowed me to hold myself under the water in that tub had left me, but knowing Rafe was very likely genuine in his love for me, and seeing Gia again had made those dark thoughts less prevalent, for the time being at least. “You should go and sleep in your actual bed. You look dead on your feet,” I suggested, changing the subject.
“I slept okay actually. I’m pretty sure a shower and a clean set of clothes wouldn’t go amiss though,” he laughed as he pulled at the badly creased button up he had been wearing for over twenty four hours now.
“Are you going to get some more rest?” he asked as he looked to me with unveiled concern once again.
“No,” I shook my head. “That’s not a good idea. I need to get up and get moving. Would it be alright if I took a look around the house? Get to know the place?” I asked.
“Of course it is. It’s your home now. We’re on the top floor here.
Your room is between mine and Gia’s. Dario’s is opposite and there’s a guest room too.
On the floor below are all of the other guys rooms, so maybe check with them before you go in those rooms, but the rest of the house is all yours. ”
“I won’t go in anyone else’s bedroom, Rafe. I’m not that nosey,” I chuckled.
“How about you meet me in the kitchen when you’re ready, and we can eat breakfast together?
Terza is desperate to see you, and I don’t know how much longer Dario will be able to hold her back,” he explained with a smile.
I loved when he smiled. He used to smile so much more when we were younger, likely in a bid to hide the reality of his life from us, but that was how I had always remembered him – smiling and happy.
“Food sounds good,” I agreed with a smile of my own.
“I’m relieved to hear that. You’ve barely eaten a thing in the last few days,” he sighed.
“I’ll do better, Rafe,” I told him, placing my hand over his on his thigh. “I know I’ve been a complete mess since you found me, but this….I can be better than this.” I just wanted to ease some of the worry that seemed permanently etched on his face.
“Don’t, Cara. After what you’ve been through, you’ve amazed me with your strength.
I don’t need you to force yourself to overcome any of what you’ve been through just so we all feel better.
You damn well feel whatever you need to feel, but please…
if you can, just let me in to help you, okay?
I can’t stand to sit back and watch you filled with fear and pain,” he pleaded.
Tears filled my eyes with his desperate words, and I hated myself for what I had put him through already. I should have known from the moment I saw him again that he was still the Rafe I grew up adoring. I should have seen my Raffy under the layers he wore so well.
“I keep saying this….” I sniffled. “…but I do mean it, Rafe. I’ll try. I promise I’ll try to let you in. I just…this is all so new to me after the years we’ve been apart. I’m so used to standing on my own two feet, no matter how unsteady they may have been at times.”