CHAPTER 8 #2
The car pulled up outside the house and two security guys immediately appeared at either side, opening the back doors for us.
I placed my hand over Cals on my leg and clung to it urgently as the burly guy at my side just stared at me, somewhat intimidatingly.
One quick glance up to Cal and he seemed to understand what I needed, turning his hand under mine and linking our fingers.
Without any fan fare he simply slid across the seat until he was right beside me.
“I’m here. Let’s get inside, okay?” he whispered to me, and I nodded a little jerkily, clutching Cal’s hand so tight I probably hurt him as I stepped out of the car and tried not to touch the security guy who stood there. Thankfully, Cal was right behind me, and he wrapped himself around me tight.
Before we even started up the steps to the house, the front door opened and Dio stood there, his gaze assessing us both with concern.
“We’re unharmed,” Cal spoke up with a note of humour.
“What happened?” Dio asked,
“There were some teenagers filming our table, and specifically Cara. She noticed and let us know. Arran and Dante got us to the car, then stayed to deal with those kids.”
“You’re both alright?” Dio asked as he looked pointedly to me.
“We’re fine,” I told him. And I was, mostly.
It was just getting a little overwhelming the dramas I seemed to face every time I left the damned house.
All I wanted – all I had ever wanted- was a normal, peaceful existence.
It seemed I wasn’t going to get it there as I had initially hoped and that realisation stung.
Dio stepped aside so we could both get inside the house, then stood and watched us we stripped off our coats and shoes.
“I’m tired,” I sighed when they both seemed to be looking to me with concern again. “I think I might go and have a soak in that mammoth tub. I haven’t tried it out yet.”
Dio’s head snapped to me and his face was filled with utter panic and worry – a look that didn’t fit with his always composed and calm image.
Of course I knew why he had reacted that way.
To be honest I’d been surprised to even find a tub in my en-suite when I arrived at that house.
Rafe had ordered it to be ripped out the day I drowned myself.
I’d heard him. But it had remained and it was one of those huge, luxurious, spa baths.
I hadn’t been eager to use it after what I had done last time I got into a bath, but a soak sounded good to relieve some stress right then.
“Cara…” he began, but I cut him off.
“I’m fine, Dio. I promise. I just want to relax in the bath. I’m in a better place. I…I’m not going to…to do that,” I uttered with some shame and embarrassment.
“I can come with you,” Cal offered, and when I glanced to him, he looked anxious too. “Not in the bathroom, obviously, but I can stay close….in your room. Keep you company.”
“Guys,” I groaned. “I know you just care about me, and I fully understand why you’re worried right now, but at some point you have to trust me. My having a bath is not something that should incite panic in you.”
“Maybe when things are calmer and you’re in a better place I’ll be able to not worry so much, Carr, but right now you’re having a tough time and Rafe told me you couldn’t make him the promise he needed.
I’m sorry, Piccola, but I’m not okay with you being alone in that bath right now.
One of us at least needs to be close enough to talk to you. ”
“You’re being ridiculous!” I accused, my anger flaring.
“Ridiculous? You were dead, Cara! We pulled you from that water and you weren’t breathing.
I had to resuscitate you, terrified the whole time you wouldn’t come back to us.
You…you drowned yourself and you came so fucking close to succeeding in ending your life!
I will not allow you or Rafe to go through that again.
I won’t go through that again! Don’t you understand how important you are to us all?
We can’t lose you, so if that means me being a controlling bastard to keep you with us, then so be it!
” Dio raged, his chest heaving with every angry word he threw out.
I wanted to be angry. I should be. I should tell him to back off and that he didn’t get to decide what I was and was not allowed to do, but how could I when I saw the pain and fear all over his face and burning in his eyes?
He was genuinely terrified I would attempt suicide again and it broke me that I was doing that to him.
And not just him. When I glanced to Cal he looked conflicted and scared too.
I didn’t even want to think about the pain I’d seen on Rafe’s face multiple times since I almost left him. I was hurting all of them.
“I’m sorry,” I whimpered tearfully, but I couldn’t face either of them again. I couldn’t see the fear or concern on their faces. It was too much. Too real and heart breaking. “I…I won’t touch the tub, okay? I promise. I….I’m sorry.”
I fled then, before either of them could say anything that would have me falling to pieces even more. I ran up the stairs as fast as I could, fleeing for the solitude of my room, and the safety of my closet within.
By the time I got to my room I was desperately short of breath, both from the sprint up the stairs, and from my fight not to breakdown into fits of sobs, but I knew it was coming.
My anxiety was rising, my feet feeling tingly with pins and needles, and my hands shaking as my heart raced faster and faster.
Just thinking about that day - the day I had almost ended it all, after the attack at Jewels and what that fucker had done to me.
I’d been so lost and scared. Everything had just seemed so dark and insurmountable and I had taken the only route out of it all, that I felt able to face.
It was without doubt, the darkest and most terrifying day of my life, and reliving it again was unbearable, but Dio’s words had taken me right back there, only now it felt even worse because I could feel Dio’s pain on top of it all.
I could feel Rafe’s fear. All because of me. Because I was weak and selfish.
I pushed the door of my room open and fumbled for the light switch in my panic. I just wanted to get shut away somewhere private so I could fall apart in peace. I couldn’t understand how I went from having such a good time out, to the wreck I was now.
Something from my dresser smashed to the floor, as I fumbled for the switch on the wall, and I just cried harder at what an idiot I was. Finally my hand landed on the chrome of the light switch and I snapped it on, but nothing happened. I flicked it up and down again but still no light appeared.
Before I could even process anything, I was right back in the cold and drafty apartment in Chicago, flicking that light switch and calling to my Mum, the smell of pennies surrounding me, and a sense of dread and foreboding consuming me.
I stumbled forward as my heart raced so hard that I felt like I was going to keel over.
My shaking hand moved away from the switch, already knowing no light was going to come on unless I crossed that blood soaked room and found the lamp.
But I couldn’t turn the lamp on. I wouldn’t!
I knew what I would find if I did and I couldn’t…
I tried to move backwards out of my room, and stumbled on something on the floor. I reached desperately for the door frame, not wanting to fall again. I could smell the blood. I knew I’d land in it again and then my Mum….
But I wasn’t fast or stable enough to save myself from falling and I landed hard on my backside again, just like before.
I tried hard to keep a grip on reality – to tell myself I wasn’t there in that apartment, that the blood smell couldn’t be real!
But then I landed in something wet on the ground, and all rationality was gone.
A scream pierced the air as I slammed my hands over my eyes and curled into myself as tightly as I could. I couldn’t see her again. I couldn’t stand for her to stare at me with those white eyes, accusing me. Not again.
“CARA?!”
I heard yelling and the pounding of footsteps, but I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I felt like I was frozen in fear. I was terrified the slightest movement would cause me to see everything, all over again.
“Cara? What happened?” A hand touched my shoulder and I flinched away from the touch violently.
“CARA?”
“Dario, don’t shout. She’s safe!” The voice closest to me snapped and then the yelling stopped and all I could hear was my own desperate fight to breathe through my sobs, and the drone of my insanely fast heartbeat, ricocheting through every inch of my body.
“What happened? She’s bleeding!”
“I don’t know. Lower your voice. She’s terrified.”
“Cal,” I whispered as the voice closest to me registered.
“I’m here. I’m right here, Cara,” he told me softly. “You’re bleeding a little. Can I touch you to check the cut? Please?”
“No!” I gasped. “Don’t…please…d-don’t touch me!”
“Okay. I won’t touch you, but I’m going to sit right here with you, okay? You’re home and you’re safe. Dio and I are both here with you.”
“I…is she there? C-can you see her?” I squeaked out.
“Who, baby? No one is here right now but us three. Can you open your eyes for us?” Dio spoke up and I recognised his voice now it was calmer. He was close to me too and knowing that helped. Knowing they were both there helped.
“No! I won’t!” I cried as I ground my hands even tighter over my eyes, making sure no one could force them away to make me see it again.
“Cara, just try to breathe for me now. No one is going to touch you and you don’t have to move until you feel ready to, but I really need you to breathe, alright?” Cal coached.
“I c-can’t. My chest…I c-can’t…”
“Yes you can. I’m going to help you, okay? Can you try and breathe with me?”
“Is sh-she there? Is she watching me?” I gasped in desperate panic.
“No one is watching you, babe. No one can hurt you. Would it help if we moved away from your room? Do you want to go to my room, or to the living room?” Cal offered.
I just started to cry harder as the mess inside my head got worse.
A part of me knew it wasn’t possible for my Mum’s body to be there again.
She was dead and gone. She’d been cremated.
Rafe’s employee, who was currently in Chicago investigating the attack on me there, would bring her ashes home to London when he returned, and yet I couldn’t seem to make myself hold on to that rationale.
The lights, my fall, and landing in the wetness was it all happening, all over again.
I was right back there, drowning in the stench of blood.
So much blood. And those eyes. They wouldn’t stop watching me.
“Rafe... I w-want Rafe,” I whimpered eventually. He was the only person I thought I’d feel safe enough to have help me right then, and I knew I needed help.
“I’ll get him, baby. Hold on, and I’ll bring him,” Dio told me gently.
“Where is he?” Cal asked.
“The gym.”
I flashed between hearing Cal, trying to coax me to slow my breathing, and images of being back in my apartment, my Mum just staring at me and accusing me of not believing her, over and over again.
Even that distant voice of reason was gone now and I just felt lost to the past as it sucked me under.