CHAPTER 13
CALLAN
I walked in from that day’s classes feeling exhausted.
I might have stretched the truth a little when I told Cara I had slept fine on the sofa.
I hadn’t. But I doubted I’d have slept well that night, no matter where I lay, after seeing Cara so scared and upset.
I’d only dared to sleep lightly all night, wanting to be able to hear if she woke again, afraid.
Only I’d fucked that up, because when she had actually woken from a nightmare, I hadn’t heard her.
Now I was worn out after a full day of lectures, with an aching neck and shoulders from the odd angle I slept at, and a ton of pent up tension from the simmering anger I had been filled with ever since I found Cara, mid panic attack, the night before.
All I wanted to do was find her, and give her a huge hug if she would allow me to.
I had been worried about her all day. I hated leaving her alone, even though I knew, because I had checked before I left for uni that morning, that Rafe had been with her all day.
But he couldn’t have given her his full attention, since I knew he was snowed under with work, and that would have left Cara at a loose end, alone.
She didn’t fair well alone at that time.
There were too many terrifying memories and flashbacks just waiting for the quiet moments, when they would get a grip on her mind and over take her.
“Cal?” I looked up and saw Cara tentatively moving down the stairs towards me.
“Hi, gorgeous. How was your day?” I asked, quickly hanging my coat on the coat stand so I could get to her.
“Pretty rough. Did you hear about my Mum contacting Gia?” she asked. Now that she was closer, I could see she was trembling slightly, and she was fidgeting with the ends of her sleeves, which was something she did when she was feeling uneasy.
“Briefly. I spoke to Arran at lunchtime. I’m sorry, Cara.”
I had been raging when Arran told me what they had uncovered, and the truth it unveiled – that Cara’s Mum had likely been putting on an act so Cara was forced to supply her with drugs and alcohol. As if Cara hadn’t been through enough, now she had to face this betrayal.
“I should never have expected anything better from her,” she shrugged.
“Come here and give me a hug, please. I’ve missed you today,” I told her plainly, opening my arms in invitation. I could see she was upset, but fighting hard not to show it. She needed some comfort before her anxiety took any firmer of a grip on her.
“Yes please,” she squeaked, then she dropped down the last step and straight into my arms. I held her tight to me.
She was so short the top of her head didn’t even reach my chin, and yet she just fit against me so perfectly, I felt like she belonged there, and I wanted to hold her there every single day for the rest of our lives.
I was falling in love with her, hard and fast. “I missed you too,” she told me as she clung tightly to me.
“What were you doing? Have you been resting?” I asked with concern.
She was trembling more than I had realised from just looking at her, and she felt frozen.
“I tried, but my mind’s all over the place after what Rafe told me about my Mum and Gia. I’m going back to Chicago to find out what my Mum was really up to.”
“What?” I gasped, horrified by even the prospect of her going back to that place that had already caused her so much pain.
“I have to. I know who we need to talk to, to get answers. I already convinced Rafe. They’re all in a meeting now in the office, deciding who will come with me,” she explained.
“This doesn’t sound like a good idea, babe. Why do you need to go? Let the others handle it.”
“I can’t. It has to be me. Some of the people who might know something don’t deserve for me to set Dante on them.
They won’t open up because they’re threatened, but they will for me.
I’ll be safe. I already told Rafe I’ll do as I’m told, but it has to be me, Cal.
I have to know what my Mum was really mixed up in. ”
Her words were shaky, and pleading with me to understand, and I did.
Sort of. I knew she needed to finish this if she were ever to find peace, and I got that she wanted to know what her own Mum had been up to, right under her nose.
But none of that set me at ease when I thought of her back in the dangerous place she had escaped from.
“I’m coming with you.” I made the decision there and then, and no one would change my mind.
I wasn’t trained like the others. I never wanted the life my brother chose.
My plan was to repair bodies, not take them apart for information or revenge, but I could still be there for Cara.
She didn’t only need protection, though I would always do my best to protect her as much as I could, but she would also need someone she trusted who knew her well.
She needed someone to look out for her, and hold her, or pull her away when it was all becoming too much.
I could do that. I would do that. I would be at her side through this, and whatever came, no matter what.
“No Cal. You have classes,” she argued.
“I can do most of it online, and I’m already ahead with most of my reading.
I won’t fall behind, but even if that were a concern, I’d still be coming with you, Cara.
I hope you already know this, but just in case you don’t, you matter to me.
I’m drawn to you in a way I’ve never been attracted to a woman before.
I think you were made for me, and I don’t ever want to let you go.
Anything you have to face from now on, I want to face with you.
Do you understand?” I asked, my heart beating way too fast at my admission.
“I’ll never be good enough for you, Cal,” she uttered, completely taking me by surprise. I had anticipated so many reactions from her when I admitted my feelings, but not that.
“What are you talking about? Of course you’re good enough for me. What does that even mean? You’re perfect for me. I really do believe you were made for me. We just fit together, don’t we? Don’t you feel that too, every time we’re together?”
“Yes. I do…I think so. I feel whole when I’m with you, like all the pieces of me that got stolen over the years, don’t matter, because you fill them.
But that’s just it, Cal. So many pieces of me are missing.
I’m broken. I’ve made such a mess of my life.
I’m not smart like you are either. I’m a mess.
And you…you are the opposite. You deserve someone who can be everything for you.
That can’t be me,” she whimpered, her eyes now spilling with tears as she tried to step out of my hold.
I gripped her tighter, then picked her up so we were eye to eye, holding her even tighter and closer.
“You are everything I will ever need or want. You don’t see your worth, which I hate, but I’ll show you.
I’ll show you how strong, and beautiful, and intelligent you are.
It will be my honour to do it. I’m falling in love with you, Cara, and I don’t say that lightly.
I know it’s fast and we need to go much slower, but I also need you to know that I want you, every piece, and I don’t need any of those pieces to be perfect.
God knowns, I’m far from it,” I told her with every ounce of feeling I could put into the words.
“I think I’m falling for you too, but it scares me. I feel like I’m falling down some endless pit right now, and I don’t want to drag you with me, Cal,” she sniffled.
“That’s not going to happen. Think about what’s already happened. When you start to panic and get lost, what do I do?” I asked her. She thought for a couple of minutes, then looked up at me with just slightly less panic than before.
“You calm me down. Make me feel safe.”
“I catch you, Cara. Every time you start to fall, I catch you, and I always will, as many times as you need me to. I promise, I’ll always catch you. Neither of us will get near the bottom of that pit.”
“I was waiting for you,” she whispered.
“What do you mean?” I asked softly.
“Earlier. The other guys were here, and they made me feel better when they were close, but I…I felt so fragile after what Rafe told me. I couldn’t settle.
I didn’t know what to do with myself, but I…
I knew you’d be home soon, so I was just waiting on the landing up there…
,” she pointed up the stairs. “…just waiting for you. I knew if you just cuddled me, I’d feel calmer.
I was waiting for you to get home and hold me. ”
“And I was thankful for that, because all I wanted to do all day was to come home and get you in my arms.”
“I get it. I feel what you feel, Cal. I want to be with you too, but this is all really new and after what’s happened…” she started to worry again. I could tell by the way her words and her breathing sped up.
“We can go slow. This isn’t a race. I’m not going anywhere, and you’re not either. I won’t let you.”
“Dante thinks I’m his,” she confessed. I wasn’t shocked by that. I already knew Dante was obsessed with her.
“I know. I also know his obsession isn’t unrequited by you. Dante wasn’t wrong earlier when he said we all need to talk.”
“What?” she gasped as she sat up in my arms and looked to me with confusion and a blush.
“I’m okay with whatever you want, Cara. As long as I get to be a part of what makes you happy.”
“I can’t!” She buried her face against my shoulder, hiding from me. “This is too much, right now, Cal. I can’t.”
“Okay. No more talk about the others for now,” I agreed, running my hand over her silky hair, hoping to settle her again.
“There’s just so much in my head right now. It’s exhausting. But I do want to be with you, Cal. You matter to me too, so much,” she told me tiredly.