CHAPTER 14
CARA
I stood before the vast picture window, that made up one entire wall of the lounge area of the hotel suite we were staying in, on the North side of Chicago.
The hectic city I was looking down on was nothing like the version of Chicago I had lived in.
This side of the city was exciting and modern, filled with brightly lit buildings, fancy restaurants, and high-end stores I’d never dare set foot in.
The sun was setting and the city was lighting up below me, literally, all of the buildings illuminated with ritzy lit up signs, and the hundreds of windows in the high rises, coming on almost like they had been synchronised to do so.
We’d only been there a matter of hours, and I already wished I had never come.
For some ridiculous reason I had just assumed I’d instantly find my strength again when I stepped off of that private plane, back on American soil.
I thought being back there would make me feel the need to summon up my resilience and fight, that I had worn as an armour for all the years I had survived there. But that didn’t happen.
Instead I was back in a place where unspeakable things had happened to me, over and over again, year after year. I had lost my childhood there. I had lost everything that I thought made me who I once was, and I had been forced to become someone fearful and wary of everyone and everything around me.
That place had made me strong too, but it had made me hard, and cold too, as a result.
Everything had been taken from me in the United States.
My family, my innocence, my life as I knew it.
I had been broken there in the end – that last night in the parking lot at Jewels – that had been my breaking point.
And now I was back there, but this time I felt feeble, and vulnerable.
My strength seemed to have left me for good, and I was afraid now.
I had to face my past if I were to get the answers I needed, but I honestly didn’t know how I would do that without my armour in place.
“Cara? Yer supposed to be resting, lass.”
I turned and found Arran coming from one of several bedrooms that were within the vast penthouse suite of this palatial hotel.
“I tried, but I can’t settle,” I sighed, turning my attention back to the view of the city.
We’d all decided to crash for a couple of hours when we arrived, tired from the journey, but as soon as I’d laid in the huge bed in the silent room, alone, I had known there would be no sleep for me.
“How no’?”
“I’m not that tired,” I shrugged. “I slept on the plane. Besides, being here is making me feel antsy to get going and find some answers.”
“We will, Cara, but it was a long journey.” I heard Arran’s steps cross the shiny tiled floor and stop close behind me. “How do ye feel? Being back here?”
“Haunted,” I whispered honestly. “The ghosts from my past are all right here, Arran. I could handle it before, but now…I…I don’t feel like myself…like the old me that I need to be, to survive here. I don’t know where she went. My strength used to be my armour, and now that’s gone.”
“That lass, that ye think ye were before, she’s still a part of ye. A pretty big part too, from all I’ve seen. She’s just a wee bit fragile right now. She needs time to heal. And until she does, ye dinnae need yer armour. Let us all be yer armour. We’ll keep ye safe.”
“I know that,” I said as I turned to face him, finding him so close that we were almost touching when I faced him. “It’s not just about being safe though. I’m gonna need my strength just to walk back into my old world. The people I have to speak to, the places we need to go…if I show any weakness…”
“Cara, yer frettin’ too much. There’s no’ a speck of weakness in ye, lass. Just because ye feel a wee bit shaken right now, doesnae make ye weak. Yer strength is who ye are, and anyone who sees ye and speaks wi ye, will recognise that.”
“I hope you’re right, or we won’t be getting any answers,” I sighed.
“We’ll get yer answers. Stop yer stressin’ now and take a breath or two.” Arran wrapped his arms around me and I stepped into him, accepting the hug that I needed. “I ken ye dinnae wanna be here, wee one. We’ll get this done and get ye home as soon as we can, aye?”
“Yeah. That sounds good,” I agreed as I clung to him. I held there for a few minutes longer, just trying to take strength from his strength wrapped around me. Then I stood and took a deep breath. “With that in mind, we should head out tonight. My first stop is only open at night.”
“Where’s that?”
“Jewels. The strip club where I worked. I think a couple of the girls there may be able to point me in the right direction of some dealers in the area.”
“The place that ye were attacked?”
“In the parking lot, not the club. I’ll be fine,” I assured him, already knowing it was a lie. Just the thought of going back there, where that creep had assaulted me, and where I had seen Dio butcher him after with his bare hands, filled me with anxiety and nausea.
“We could go tomorrow, after ye’ve had more sleep?” he suggested and I rolled my eyes at him.
“You just said yourself we need to get this done quick, and I agree. We have ample time to go tonight, so we should.”
“Such a stubborn wee thing,” he said with a wry smile. “Fine. Get ready. I’ll drag the ogre from his pit.”
“Cal?” I teased, and he chuckled.
“Him too. Be ready in half an hour.”
I nodded that I would be and headed back to the bedroom, which Dante had designated me, after he deemed it the safest and farthest from the entrance door to the suite.
I pulled out some dark clothes, similar to what I would have worn before Rafe found me. I’d packed them purposely, hoping the more I dressed like the old me, the more I would feel like her too. Wishful thinking, I scoffed to myself.
***
“Up here. Just pull up on the right,” I directed Dante, who was driving the SUV we had rented from the airport. He parked up at the side of the street just out of sight of the strip club I had worked at since I was way too young to legally do so – Jewels.
It would have been safer, especially in this dubious neighbourhood, to park round the back in the car park, but there was no way I was going to keep a handle on my shit if we went around there – to the place those monsters had pinned me down and violated me.
Just thinking about going back there had me clenching my fists so hard I could feel my warm blood trickling from the cuts my indented nails made in my palms.
“Are you sure you can do this?” Dante asked as I met his eyes in the rearview mirror.
“Yes. I’m fine,” I lied. I swiped my bloodied hands on my black jeans, knowing the blood wouldn’t show against the dark denim, then opened the rear door and jumped out, before I broke down and begged Dante to just start the car again and take me back to the airport.
“Cara!” Cal called after me, but I had already slammed the car door closed and was stepping onto the sidewalk.
I had pinned my old armour over as many of the gaping wounds I felt had been torn within me recently, as I could.
It wasn’t enough, but I could fake the rest. I had to, if I was ever going to get any of the answers I needed.
“Stop right there, lassie,” Arran snapped, and I did, turning to look behind myself for him, with a glare on my face.
“What? I thought we were going to get on and get this done?” I threw back at him with annoyance.
“You don’t just run off without us,” Dante rumbled. I looked up and found him at my side, so close I could feel the heat radiating from his furnace of a body. “You told Rafe you’d behave.”
“I told Rafe I would follow your instructions, and I will, but don’t forget this is my world.
I know how things work around here much better than any of you do, and you need to let me take the lead.
No one is going to talk to me with you two lurking over me.
” I waved a finger between Dante and Arran.
“You’re not leaving our sight. You might think you know how it works here, but people weren’t hunting you down before. It’s not safe,” Dante pointed out.
“I’m perfectly aware of that, Dante, seeing as the last time I was here I was beaten and raped!
” I hissed with all of the rage and fear that was bursting from me at just being back there.
“Fuck!” I took a stuttering breath as I wrapped my arms around my stomach, turned, and stormed back the way I had come, away from the club and towards the darker end of the street.
“Cara?” Cal puffed as he came after me.
“A minute!” I snapped, instantly hating my tone even as it came out of my mouth. I was being a bitch. It was my fear taking over. “Sorry.” I turned to Cal who was close behind me. He smiled sadly and nodded once. “Please, just give me a minute to calm down though…please.”
“Just stay where we can see you, okay?” Cal requested, and I nodded, then I walked over to the closest building and leant against it. I lay my head back against the cool concrete and closed my eyes as I forced myself to just breathe.
I was frustrated with myself. Being there - walking to and from that club in the dead of night, knowing the risks but unable to avoid them when I didn’t have the money for cabs, or even public transport – that had been my life for so long.
I had walked those streets, and even more perilous ones in the neighbourhood we had lived in, over and over.
I had known the risks, but done it anyway, confident that I could handle myself if it came to it.
Now, I was back there and that confidence was gone.
I was afraid and no matter how much I hated myself for that, I couldn’t seem to overcome it.
Being with Rafe and the others, right after all that had gone wrong, had made me weak.
It had broken me, and somehow, I had started to repair myself around the people who were helping to hold me together.
Now I needed them to feel safe and even marginally together.