Chapter 35 Hannah
HANNAH
Thomas’s lips on mine are starting to feel like home. I feel so safe in his arms, so protected and warm that the thought of being without him hurts. He’s planned this amazing night for us, and I appreciate it more than he knows.
The last few weeks with Thomas have been magical.
That’s the only word I can use to describe it.
He’s made me feel things I didn’t know were possible.
He’s made me feel more confident in my body, in my sexuality than ever before.
I love who I am with him, and even though there’s a niggling voice in the back of my brain telling me that it won’t last, and that it’s all temporary, I am soaking up every bit of it while I can.
Part of me wants to stay in this little bubble forever. I’m scared that once we go home, I’ll be left behind in the dust. Left to my own devices again. He’s done nothing to make me feel this way, but my brain won’t stop telling me that’s what will happen.
He’s been the perfect gentleman too, ever since that night I faked it.
He’s making me come every chance he can with his hands.
He’s taking it slow, though, never pressing for more, or making me feel like he only is after one thing with me.
He’s taught me how to give him pleasure with my hands, and while I’m a bit nervous to do more, I’m also ready. I want him.
Thomas leans away from our kiss. “Come on,” he says, scooting toward the driver's side door. He gets out and I follow, opening my door and meeting him on my side. “I have something else to show you.”
He takes my hand, leading me to the bed of the truck. He opens the tailgate to reveal a little oasis. I can’t believe I didn’t notice this before. There’s fluffy blankets and pillows piled high, leaving the space looking comfortable and cozy, and not at all like I imagined.
“Thomas,” I breathe, a smile breaking out on my lips.
“You like it?” he asks.
“It’s perfect.”
“Hop in,” he says, gesturing to the back. I do, and he follows, crawling up behind me. I lean up against the back of the cab, a pillow behind my back. Thomas sits right beside me, his arm automatically resting around my shoulders.
“Thank you,” I tell him. “This is perfect.”
“Just like you,” he replies.
I shake my head, looking down at my legs.
“You know it’s the truth,” Thomas says, his finger finding my chin to get me to look up at him. His familiar blue eyes alight my soul, and I know he means it.
“Thank you,” I repeat. He’s helping me believe it more with each day that passes.
Thomas presses kisses to my nose and cheeks in rapid succession, making me giggle. “What are you doing?”
“Kissing every single freckle you have,” he murmurs, continuing to kiss me, moving down my jaw to my chest. “I love them so much.”
“You’re going to be kissing me for a long time,” I shriek as he tickles my ribs.
“Worth it,” he murmurs. We slide down so we’re lying on our backs. My head rests on his chest as we catch our breath from our laughter.
“How long do you think we’ll be here?” I ask, hoping that I don’t pop the precious bubble.
“Probably a few more weeks. Hopefully not long, though. I know you miss your family.”
I nod in agreement. “You miss yours too.”
“I do. As much as I love this time with just us, it will be nice to be home.”
I nod into his chest, resting my palm over his heart. The anxiety creeps in at the thought of going home and losing him, losing the constant time with him. Don’t get me wrong, I want to go home, but I also don’t want this fairytale to end.
“You’re going to laugh,” Thomas says, his voice rumbling in my ear. “I’m about to ask you the most basic question.”
I chuckle. “Go for it.”
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I let myself think, but I already know that I’m not going to tell him my real answer, or the answer that I so desperately want to happen. It all includes him, and that’s not realistic for me. I can’t keep pining over a future that may not happen.
Shrugging, I hide myself in his chest. “I don’t know. Probably working, probably still in Ivy Ridge. What about you?”
Thomas shifts so he can look down at my face. “That’s all? You don’t see anything else for your future?”
I shake my head. I don’t want to say it out loud.
I can’t risk the embarrassment of saying that I want to be married in five years.
I don’t want to say that not only do I want to be married, I want to be married to him.
I want to have a family of my own, complete with the house, kids and dog, preferably Arson.
Thomas sighs. “Fine, my turn. In five years, I see myself married. Not only that, but I see myself married to a beautiful woman.”
I catch my breath at his admission. He doesn’t give me a moment to think on his words though, as he continues speaking.
“Someone kind, with a servant's heart. I see myself in our home, maybe with a kid, or one on the way. I see us going to Sunday brunches with my family, her becoming best friends with my sisters and brothers, being the best aunt to my nieces and nephews, and being a part of my amazing family.”
He takes a deep breath, running his fingertips up and down the length of my arm. “I see it all with you, Hannah.”
His admission hits me right in the chest. He’s so confident, and for a moment, I sink into the fantasy. It’s beautiful, like he said. I see it all with him too.
Instead of shutting down the fantasy, I let myself dream right along with him.
The sun sets in the distance as we hold each other, dreaming about a future that I can only dream about. We don’t know what the future holds, but right now, it seems pretty amazing.
As the sky grows dark, the moon and stars illuminate the sky. We lie on our backs, pointing out constellations to each other. The air grows cooler, but we wrap up in the blankets Thomas brought, keeping us warm.
“Truth or dare,” Thomas says, surprising me. We’ve been lying in comfortable silence for a while.
“Truth,” I reply.
“Who’s the most influential person in your life?”
I don’t even have to think about the question for more than a moment before answering. “My grandma.”
“Why?”
“She’s been through hell. She should have had at least twenty to thirty more years with the love of her life, and it was cut off early. Then, she lost her child in a car accident, and had to finish raising her granddaughter.” My eyes burn at the mention of her.
“She taught me everything. I already wasn’t a fan of driving, so when my parents died in a car accident, I wanted nothing to do with cars.
She helped me get over that anxiety, and taught me how to drive.
She got me into therapy, helped me get my license, and basically helped me figure out how to be an adult.
It’s still hard. I have a lot of anxiety as you know, a lot of it stemming from my grandfather and my parents’ death, but she’s been there for every step. ”
“She seems amazing,” Thomas replies, squeezing me tightly against him. “I bet she’s proud of the woman you’ve become.”
I shrug. “She’s probably more proud of Julia. She’s accomplished so much more than me, she’s married, has an amazing job, and works hard.” Her success is always something I’ve envied.
“And you don’t work hard?”
“I mean, I do, but it’s different,” I reply, trying to shift away.
Thomas doesn’t let me move. “How is it different?”
“I don’t know, but it is. She didn’t have to watch Julia fall apart at the seams. She didn’t have to help put her back together.”
“Baby, that’s not a bad thing. That’s what family is for. Whether it’s blood or chosen, they’re the people that are there to help put you back together. I can’t tell you how many times my brothers have put me back together.”
I shake my head. “That’s different.”
“How?” he interrupts. “We all experience things, and we have to lean on our people to get through it. No one should have to do things alone.”
“But I should be able to do things on my own, I shouldn’t need Miles to coach me on how to pick up a coffee from a coffee shop, or my grandma to put together my pieces, or you to help me sleep with my stupid anxiety.
I shouldn’t need to sleep in your arms every night.
I shouldn’t be so weak.” Tears stream down my cheeks as the dam bursts.
Thomas swipes at my cheeks, kissing my tears away. “You are not weak, Hannah Pearson. You are incredible. Having to fight through what you’ve been through and ask for help doesn’t make you weak. It makes you strong.”
He presses his lips to mine, palms cupping my cheeks, like he’s trying to pour all of his strength into me through a kiss. I moan into the kiss, losing myself in him. It doesn’t take long before my tears have dried, and he pulls away from my lips.
“Do you believe me?” he asks.
“Yes,” I reply, and I do. It might take a while for me to fully believe it, and not revert back to my usual anxieties, but I do believe him.
“Good.”
I shiver as the breeze picks up, and Thomas wraps me up further in the blanket. “Should we go back?” he questions.
I really don’t want to, but even with the blankets, I’m getting chilly. “Probably.”
Quickly, we fold up the blankets and get out of the bed, putting them in the front seat of the truck. The massive pile of pillows and blankets is between us, and I wish it weren’t. I want to be curled up in his arms again.
Thomas glances over at me as we drive out of the field. “Well, that’s unfortunate,” he grumbles.
“What?”
“That you’re so far away, and all the blankets are between us. I want to snuggle you more.”
I laugh, “I was thinking the same thing.” With some shuffling around, I push the blankets and pillows to the window, and within a minute, I’m curled up against his side the way I want.
“Better,” he says.
I hum in response as he squeezes me tightly, his fingers tracing circles on my arm. I love his touch, crave it even, something I never thought possible. Something I never would have anticipated. It took a minute to get used to, but now I love it. He’s such a physical touch kind of guy.
Five minutes later, we are pulling into the Graff’s driveway, passing by the dark house and making our way to the cottage. The soft glow of the lamp illuminates the pointy ears of Arson, waiting for us in the front window.
“I think he missed us,” I say, pointing him out to Thomas.
“In his defense, he’s been with one of us at all times for a month now.”
“Good point,” I reply, reluctantly pulling away from Thomas as he parks the truck.
“Wait,” Thomas says, already pulling me back into him. He takes my face, kissing me deeply. “Thank you for opening up to me tonight. We never really finished our game of truth or dare, but if you want to, we can.”
I shake my head. “Maybe later.”
Together, we head inside, and Arson skips around our feet, talking to us in dog howls. Thomas lets him out to go to the bathroom, while I head upstairs to change out of my dress.
A few minutes later, Thomas and Arson bound up the stairs.
I’m sitting on my side of the bed in my pajamas, feeling anything but tired.
Something I’ve learned since starting to be intimate with Thomas is I have no idea how to initiate things.
I want more, I need it, crave it, so why can’t I get over myself and ask for it? Show him what I want?
“Ready for bed?” Thomas asks, taking in my pajamas. He’s still in his clothes, but he must have taken his contacts out since he’s wearing his glasses now.
“I guess,” I say with a shrug. Thomas takes his shirt and pants off so he’s in only his boxers. These aren’t his normal boxers, though. They are a pair of superhero underwear. The underwear he wears when he needs luck. Did he wear them for me? For tonight?
I stare at the underwear. My heart pounds a heavy beat in my chest. He may not even realize how sweet the gesture is, or what it means to me that he wore something he considers lucky on our date. I want this man more than my next breath.
Shocking myself, I blurt, “Truth or dare.”