CHAPTER 19
The conference table at PopBuzz looked a lot more impressive at night.
The dim lighting obscured the graffiti etched into it that confusingly read, Sartre was a young warthog , and a little further down its length, boobs .
The dark windows opened out onto what could almost be called a city skyline, even though it was only one storey up and mostly featured a sandwich shop.
Jeremy found himself standing at the window, hands clasped behind him like a supervillain, contemplating his place in the universe.
He’d already laid out jugs of water and glasses.
After briefly considering a cheese platter or those little salmon toasts, he’d decided to try to keep things businesslike.
Focused. He had a goal here, and he needed to remember that and not get carried away with hosting duties.
What would a supervillain provide for his henchmen?
A fruity cocktail with an umbrella? A packet of mixed lollies?
Jeremy took a deep breath and made himself sit down and try to wait calmly.
He didn’t feel calm – his incessantly twitching eye was evidence enough of his internal turmoil.
Liz and Anna were the first to arrive, and he felt a stab of deep affection for them –they were not only coming through for him again, in another weird way, but they arrived in a storm of chip packets and cheap wine, already halfway through an argument, which they casually tried to fold him into.
However, when he simply smiled and gestured to the table, a look passed between them and they sat down quietly.
Liz had a barely restrained hysteria about her that he remembered from school assemblies: she was clearly only playing at being well behaved before throwing an egg at the principal.
Aiden and Sarah-Jessica from his team at PopBuzz walked in next, looking wary.
Jeremy met them at the door, and said in a low voice, ‘Now, please remember, you are not contractually obliged to be here; this is not a work thing, even though it’s at work.
You are not getting paid. I just need your help with something personal. ’
Sarah-Jessica nodded, looking intrigued, but Aiden simply laughed, turned around and left.
Jeremy’s housemate Bradley walked in next and looked around distastefully. ‘Eww, it’s giving “we’re a family not a factory”. Absolutely hate that air-hockey table,’ he said, then he too took his seat.
Geoffrey was next, carrying a massive platter of cut-up pineapple interspersed with after dinner mints.
Jeremy wasn’t sure if Geoffrey truly understood what was going on tonight, but he’d mentioned his plan when he’d broken off whatever unclarified relationship they were having, in a fit of honesty and transparency.
They’d never been official, but Jeremy had decided that instead of ghosting him, he’d break it off like an adult.
‘Jeremy, you’re my best friend,’ Geoffrey had responded, after he’d explained the situation with Sam, and about how he was trying to reconcile with him.
‘Of course I’ll be there.’ He was a confusing man, but Jeremy was starting to recognise that beating beneath the chaos was a very sweet man.
‘Just waiting on one more,’ Jeremy said tensely, trying to smile at everyone sitting around the table.
They were all staring at him with various levels of bemusement.
Bradley and Sarah-Jessica were whispering and giggling together, despite having just met – at least if nothing else came from this desperate plan, a new friendship might be made tonight.
Maybe it was about the friends we made along the way, he thought grimly.
The final member of the party walked in, looking around the office and smiling warily when Jeremy ran and greeted her in the lobby.
Heather was wearing white slacks and had her hair up in a bun.
Jeremy felt a moment of annoyance at how casually glamorous Sam’s ex-girlfriend was, but considering he was about to ask a huge favour of her, he made sure to push the spite out of his mind.
He’d tried to invite Sam’s work-wife, Patsie, who would have been a ridiculously good asset, but she’d told him, ‘Honey, my Thursday nights are booked out six months in advance.’
‘Heather, thank you so much for coming. I appreciate it so much,’ Jeremy said.
‘That’s okay.’ She half laughed, shifting her purse on her shoulder. ‘This is all very mysterious, Jeremy! I assumed it was a surprise birthday for Sam, except … he already had his birthday this year.’
‘Something like that.’ Jeremy ushered her into the conference room and introduced her to the rest of them. Liz, upon hearing Heather’s name, looked at him with barely restrained excitement. Jeremy shrugged.
‘Right,’ he said after a few more moments of shuffling around, a brief reappearance from Aiden, seeing if anyone had a vape before vanishing again into the night, and a brief toilet stop for Anna.
‘You must all be wondering what we’re doing here.
I promise you, I haven’t murdered someone and need you to help me move the body, and I’m also not inviting you to be your own bosses in a multi-level marketing scheme.
’ There were a few chuckles, but he could tell everyone was intrigued.
He could also tell Liz was pretending to be a high-powered businesswoman, rattling her long fingernails against the table.
He thought he heard her mutter, ‘I own fifty-one per cent of this damn company.’
Jeremy took a deep breath, trying to work out how to make his insane request without sounding both pathetic and stupid.
It was hard, because he felt pathetic and stupid.
And then he realised there was no way in the world to spin it, unless he wove a whole new web of terrible lies.
He sighed, realising that the whole point of this was not so he’d come out looking good, or cool, or even normal.
Actually, maybe he didn’t care about looking pathetic and stupid. Maybe. He began again.
‘Sam, who most of you know, once told me a long time ago that only strong people ask for help, so here’s me attempting to be strong, and asking for all your help with something that is really important to me.
To cut a long story short, I am … I am deeply in love with Sam —’ Jeremy felt his voice crack like he was going through puberty again.
He swallowed and muscled through. ‘I am in love with Sam, and I have also managed to fuck that up through a complicated set of circumstances I’m now ready to take …
accountability for. Yes, I am aware I’m speaking like some sort of robot therapist,’ he joked weakly.
‘I suppose … I don’t know how to tell him this – that I love him and that I’m sorry – and I don’t even know if it would make any difference, but I’ve realised I have to at least try.
Yeah … it’s worth – he’s worth – trying for. ’
Jeremy pulled out a bunch of manila folders and handed them to everyone around the table. He was secretly proud of how official they looked, like they were cold war spies plotting to either blow up or erect a huge wall.
‘ The eat shit or die plan ,’ Anna read out aloud, enunciating each word, ending with the upwards lilt of a question. ‘Jeremy, what the fuck?’
‘It’s something my mum said,’ Jeremy answered, with a little bit of chagrin. ‘And eat shit or die almost rhymes with spite pie – for those of you who don’t know, the spite pie was my original plan. It’s a long story, but this … this is my new plan.’
‘The plan is to eat shit … or die?’ asked Sarah-Jessica in outrage.
‘The plan is to eat shit or die trying.’ Jeremy took another breath, and tried to channel his inner CEO, or someone else who routinely gave people folders full of information.
‘All of you bring something different to this plan, which is why I’ve asked you all together.
It’s kind of a brainstorming session, a romantic think tank. ’
‘ Ocean’s Eleven but for simps,’ Liz added.
‘Sure,’ Jeremy said. ‘Liz and Anna have been involved the entire time. We have a kind of three-witches-from- Macbeth situation going, and I trust them with my life. Sarah-Jessica is a pop-culture genius who has probably seen every Christmas romance movie that’s ever been made, so I think she’ll have some great ideas on how to turn this relationship disaster around, maybe in a festive fashion.
Bradley is a very successful crisis manager for a large corporation, which I thought could be useful too, because this is absolutely a crisis. ’
‘No, I’m not,’ Bradley said in bewilderment. ‘I do HR for a bank.’
‘Oh. Well, umm, I just value your thoughts,’ Jeremy lied.
He actually thought that HR professionals were just workplace cops and should never be trusted.
‘I also invited my mum, but she said it’s “déclassé” to come into the city on weeknights,’ he went on.
‘And last of all, we have Heather, who is the only member of this group who has actually dated Sam, so her input will be very … very valuable.’
Heather looked at him, her smooth face creased with worry.
‘Oh, I don’t think I’m comfortable with this, Jeremy …
’ she said slowly. ‘I’m sure you mean well, but you can imagine how …
strange this might be for me, right? And I don’t think it’s fair on Sam to have people talking about him behind his back.
’ She gathered her handbag and coat and stood up.
‘That’s totally fair, Heather, and I expected this response.’ Jeremy took a deep breath and held up a hand. ‘I’m not an idiot. Well, I am, but I guess I’m optimistic too. And I’m desperate, so if you could give me any advice, literally anything, that would be amazing.’