Chapter Nineteen #2
It feels like he actually cares about me, like he’s the first person in my life that’s ever really cared about me.
That’s ever really seen me. Of course, there’s Axel, but he’s different.
His affection is familial, and most of the time it feels conditional.
I know it isn’t, he will always care about me, but he doesn’t witness the darkest parts of me and go ‘I see you, what you’re going through, and it’s going to be okay.
’ He doesn’t force me to eat and shower the way Jett did, and he certainly doesn’t cuddle me while I sob over how fucked my life is.
I tuck my colored pencil back into the box and pull out a few other colors to compare them. It’s getting too dark outside to be able to really tell the difference between the two hues, so I shove them both back in the box.
“Ready to head back inside?” Jett asks as he watches me fold my notepad closed.
I glance above me. The moon is already hanging high in the sky, and stars are littered across the horizon.
Apparently, I’ve been coloring with what little light the measly lampposts offer because the sun is long gone.
I don’t know what time it is anymore, because when I’m with Jett I never have the urge to check the clock.
I just get lost in whatever we’re doing together, and today it was drawing.
Jett always watches me and seems to really enjoy seeing what my imagination creates from day to day.
He’s sitting so close to me that his warmth is seeping into my body, giving me the kind of comfort that’s soul deep.
I let out a relaxed sigh as I rest my head against his shoulder.
“When I was a teenager, I used to take my sister camping all the time.” I admit with a sad chuckle. “She hated it.”
“I’m sure that you made a lot of great memories with each other, though. That’s what matters.” Jett replies as he rests his head atop mine. A few seconds later, he lifts it to look up at the stars with me.
“We did… They’re some of my favorites. We would make smores, and then I would put out a blanket so that we could lay down and stare up at the stars. At the end of every trip, I would ask her what her favorite part was and that was always her answer. Every single time. She’s always loved space.”
“How old is she?”
“She turns nineteen soon. The beginning of April. This is the first time I’ll have ever missed her birthday.”
“That must be really tough,” he says as he wraps his arm behind me and pulls me closer. “I’m sorry.”
It does really suck, but I should get to call her the week before, so at least I have that to look forward to. I don’t feel like talking about it anymore though, so I just sit silently and continue to admire the sky.
There are so many things about my life that I want to tell Jett.
My job, the adventures that Axel and I are always going on, my house, my favorite place to get coffee.
I hate having to keep secrets from him when he’s the only person that I’ve ever felt this kind of connection with, but I also can’t risk being sent home early for not following Maven’s rules either. I already don’t have enough time here.
“She’s the only person I have back home. I mean, my mom is still around, that’s who my sister lives with, but we’ve never really gotten along with her. It’s always just been me and my sister against the world.”
He hums his acknowledgement. “And you’re worried because she’s alone now?”
“Yeah… I am.” I whisper quietly to the sky.
I like that Jett doesn’t try to tell me that everything will be fine, that she’ll be okay without me. He just accepts my feelings for what they are, and doesn’t try to change them. He gives me room to breathe with my own thoughts and emotions.
We sit outside for another thirty minutes or so without saying a word. We just live in the moment with one another, and it feels oddly romantic.
He finally glances down at me and watches as my eyes bounce around to the different constellations in the sky.
I turn my face to look up at him, and he’s there.
Right there. I can feel his warm breaths brushing against my face, and his finger tracing circles against my side.
This man, he’s everywhere. He’s here, in the flesh, he’s in every waking thought I have, and every square inch of this prison.
He’s invaded my brain and no matter how hard I try to keep him out, he keeps worming his way deeper into my life.
I reach up and caress the side of his face, brushing a piece of stray hair from his forehead before I rest my hand on the back of his neck.
“Can I kiss you?” He whispers.
“You never have to ask that, Jett.”
I gently pull him closer by the nape of his neck, and he hums happily as his lips meet mine.
I expect it to be frenzied or rushed. We haven’t done anything together since that first night, and I know that all the cuddling we’ve been doing at night is starting to build up to an insatiable hunger in my dick.
I’m practically living with a permanent semi at this point.
The kiss is soft though, as soft as his lips and every pass of his hands on my body.
I feel everything about him surrounding me with a warmth and satisfaction that I’m not familiar with.
Everything about this is as gentle as the moment warrants, and that feels unexplainably…
right. He seems to always know what I need long before I do.
He pulls back, resting his forehead against mine as he stares into my eyes. “It’s not too late, are you getting tired yet?”
I faintly shake my head against his as I chuckle, because he knows just as well as I do that we stay up until all hours of the night talking with one another.
We haven’t gone to sleep before midnight since the day we met, and I doubt that it’s even past eight yet.
There’s no way in hell that we’ll go to sleep anytime soon, but it’s still sweet that he checks with me anyway.
“Not really. What do you have in mind?”
“I figured it might be quiet enough in the common area that we could grab an empty table and work on a puzzle.”
“A puzzle?” I ask as I turn to glare at him.
“Yeah, I brought one with me. I even got one of those roll up mat things to do it on in case we didn’t feel like finishing it tonight.”
I shake my head playfully as I stand up. “You never cease to amaze me, Jett.” I say as I tug on his arm. “Come on. Let’s go get your puzzle.”
He snakes his fingers through mine before leading us back inside.
I can feel the chasm between us, the weight of all the secrets lingering around like pesky flies.
It’s eating away at my soul more and more every day, and I loathe the fact that I’m responsible for it.
Sometimes it feels like he can sense that I’m keeping something from him, something important, and I know that he’s constantly trying to get me to open up to him about whatever it is.
It’s not like I’m denying him that; I want to tell him everything.
I want him to have every part of me, but it’s not my choice.
As I take one last glance up at the stars dancing around in the darkness, there’s one thing I know for certain…
I don’t deserve Jett Pier, and I don’t think I ever will.