Chapter Twenty-Three
Everest
I step inside the cell, still fidgeting with the completely blank envelope.
I don’t have a single clue what could be inside.
It makes me ridiculously uneasy, so instead of opening it, I place it on the edge of the desk while I change clothes.
I rip off my shirt and toss it in the corner before digging around for something cozier to wear.
I can hear Jett behind me as he puts all the bags down on the other side of the desk and starts to organize everything inside them.
“I’m gonna go grab some plates and stuff from the shop and give you some privacy for a minute.
” He says as he steps up behind me, placing his hands on my hips.
I guess I’m kind of on edge, because it startles me and I let out a little yelp.
He drags his hand up to my chest and rests it over my heart.
“Deep breaths, E. Everything will be okay, yeah?”
I nod enthusiastically, more so than I feel.
I’m hoping and praying that whatever is in that envelope isn’t from Maven.
Is something wrong back home with my mother or sister?
Did Wilder tell him how bad I was doing when I got here, and now they’ve decided I’m not allowed to stay here anymore?
Maybe he’s seen what’s going on between Jett and I, and he’s decided that I have to leave.
The possibilities are endless and the longer I put off reading it, the worse my anxiety is going to get.
“I know,” I sigh before turning around in his arms. “Thank you for the fruit, Jett. That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.”
I lean my head against his chest, soaking up his warmth. Everything about Jett calms me, and just being in his arms immediately soothes some of the worry away. It’s almost as if I can actually feel the stress leaving my body when he holds me.
“Mmm,“ he hums as he leans down and kisses the top of my head. “You deserve it, schon. Let me go grab the plates. I’ll be back in a minute.” He says as he steps away from me. I grab a clean shirt from my luggage bag and slip it over my head before plopping down onto the bed.
The envelope stares back at me. Taunting me.
I know I have to open it, but that doesn’t mean I have to want to.
I like the way things are right now, and I’m not ready for anything to change.
What would Jett think if I was forced to leave now?
Would he think it was my choice? Would they tell him the truth or let me do it?
Would he hate me if he found out that I knew from the beginning that I wasn’t going to be staying here?
I shove all the useless questions away and snatch the envelope off the desk.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I rip it open, only pausing for the briefest second prior to pulling the letter out.
I unfold it with a confidence that I definitely don’t possess, only to find that it’s an actual note. From Axel.
I chuckle at myself for how hard I worked myself up over this stupid envelope for it just to be a note from my best friend, who is less than twenty minutes away from me at any given moment.
That’s one of the ways I’ve justified not worrying about him so much, just thinking about how we’re so close to each other, even though we don’t get to see one another.
It’s only been a couple of weeks, but it feels like the last time I saw him was in another lifetime.
In light of all the shit we’ve been through, I guess it kind of was another lifetime.
We were both completely different people before all of this started.
My eyes start to water as I read what he’s written, but I do my best to hold them back, so they don’t stain the paper.
Ev,
I think this is the first letter I’ve ever written to you, which seems kind of insane considering how long we’ve been friends.
I almost feel silly having to do this the old-fashioned way instead of just being able to shoot you a text, but at the same time it’s been kinda nice not having a phone always buzzing in my pocket.
I don’t know what all the trials and shit we did were for, but it’s been relatively calm over here.
There hasn’t been any fighting between inmates or anything like that.
Wilder was making it seem like we were going to be fighting for our lives in here.
If it was going to be this chill, why did we need to go through all of that?
I’ve been really worried about you, hoping that you aren’t having to deal with inmates stirring up shit in your block.
I know that things can get rough for you sometimes too, and I wasn’t sure if you’d have anybody there for you.
I mentioned how I was feeling to Wilder. He said that he has constant contact with Roman, some security guy, and he also said that you seemed fine in all the meetings you’ve had with him.
He’s confident that you’re perfectly healthy, aside from skipping a few meals. You know how I feel about you skipping meals, so please don’t do that, Ev. It upsets me.
Wilder said I shouldn’t write about anything confidential, so if you write back, be sure to keep things pretty vague in regard to our lives outside the prison.
It’s not really like it matters though, because we were completely different people out there.
At least… I was. I knew that being here would change things, change us, but I never expected it to be this way.
It feels weird to think this, let alone write it, but… I don’t miss it. I don’t miss my apartment, our jobs, our lives. None of it.
Just you and Cal.
There’s something about this place that feels a lot like home, and I know it sounds absolutely insane, but I kind of wish we had this forever, if you know what I mean.
It kind of feels like I belong here, and that confuses the shit out of me every time I think about it.
I wish I could talk to you about everything that’s going on, because we always used to figure shit out together.
I guess that’s kind of why I wanted to get a note to you in the first place, but it would take me an entire day to write down all the shit I have to say.
My session with Maven was this week. Since I didn’t have anyone else to talk to, I called Callie.
She actually answered and was super excited to hear from one of us since she missed your last call.
I let her know you’d be trying to call her again next week, so she’s expecting it this time.
She said she hasn’t heard back from any colleges yet, but she’s still holding out hope.
She’s really smart, and her college credits are pretty impressive, so I know she’s going to be fine.
When you talk to her, make sure she knows how proud we both are, okay?
I really do worry about you, Ev. Every day. Please take better care of yourself. Make sure that you’re eating, and I know that you aren’t drinking enough water. You never do.
Talk soon.
–Axel
I flip the pages back over and read it again. And again. And again. Jett finally returns just as I’m finishing up reading it for the fourth time, warily rejoining me.
“Everything okay?” He asks as he steps inside.
I stick my hand out, offering him the note. “It’s from Axel.”
His brows pinch in confusion, and I understand why. All the things I’ve said to him up until now made it seem like Axel would never communicate with me here. I mean, I’m also curious why Axel bothered writing to me, or how? Maybe he made a friend, kind of like Jett. Just, you know, without the sex.
He glances at me for my approval before taking the letter and sitting on the edge of the bed to read over it.
I anxiously peek over at him multiple times as his eyes dart along the page.
I want to know what he’s thinking, but I’m also nervous that he’s going to ask questions that I don’t have the answers to.
Or even worse, questions that I’m not allowed to answer.
He reaches out to hand it back to me, and I fold it back up neatly before laying it on the desk.
“He likes it here, too.”
I stare at him blankly, blinking a couple of times. “That— From that whole letter…” I say as I point over at it, “That’s all you have to say?”
He shrugs. “I’m not going to force you to talk about anything. If you want to tell me about the other parts, then you will. We’ve already talked about how you like it here and how you felt guilty because of it. Now, you know that he feels the same way, so there’s no need to feel bad about it.”
“There’s nothing else you want to know about?” I ask with suspicion.
“Of course, there is.” He answers as he pushes farther back on the bed to lean against the wall.
I wait for a moment, hoping that he’ll clarify.
There are so many things that I want to know about him and his past, and I can’t imagine how I would feel if I read a note like that from one of his friends.
I would want to know everything, to be a part of every aspect of his life. Doesn’t he want that too?
“Well? What do you want to know?” I ask.
“I don’t want to pressure you, Everest.”
“Okay, so how about we take turns? You ask a question, and then I’ll ask a question. If we don’t want to answer it right now, then we can just pass that question.”
“Okay,” he nods. “That works.”
“Go first.” I demand.
“Hmm. Who is Callie?”
“My sister. The one I told you about that loves—“
“Space,” he finishes for me. “Your turn.”
“Where do you stay when you aren’t with me?”
“We have apartments with roommates. That’s where I usually am. My roommate is there most of the time, so we just hangout and chat while he works.”
That’s pretty cool, I figured they had to have some kind of living arrangements for all of the people here since they never let them leave. I just wasn’t sure what that would be like. I point over at him, so that he knows it’s his turn to ask me something.
“How long have you and Axel known each other?”
“I don’t remember ever not knowing him. We were neighbors when I was growing up, and we’ve been inseparable our whole lives. What’s your roommate like?”
“My roommate is like… Roman, because it is Roman.”
“Oh!“ I reply in shock. “I like Roman.”
“Me too. Hmm. You’ve never been interested in Axel as more than friends?”
“Nope. Never. I told you that already. He’s a good-looking guy, but he’s too much like a brother to me. So… are there other people in the prison that you’ve been with aside from me?” I ask with a raised brow.
“No. Is Axel straight?”
I furrow my brows, because I’ve spent a little time thinking about this lately.
As far as I know, Axel hasn’t been with anyone since high school, and he’s never acted as if that were any kind of burden on him.
I thought that he’d be happy to have a family for himself, but what if I was just projecting?
Maybe he doesn’t even want that. I feel bad that he’s always so focused on me that we’ve rarely ever focused on him.
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “He only talked to girls in high school, but he hasn’t been with anyone since then.
He’s never talked about dating, or finding a partner, or any of that.
I don’t know if he’s straight, but I think that he might be on the asexual spectrum.
I’ve never flat out asked him, though. It’s something that I should probably talk to him about. ”
I pick at my nails in frustration. I don’t understand how I could’ve been so close to Axel for so long and never felt the need to know something so important about him.
I was always worried about him babying me and so busy trying to make sure that I wasn’t doing things to make his life harder that I never stopped to appreciate who he is as a person.
Jett watches me closely, and I can tell that he senses how distressed I am about the whole thing.
“Not everyone thinks it’s important to disclose their sexuality. If it wasn’t a thing to him, maybe that’s why he didn’t feel the need to clarify.”
“Yeah…” I shrug. “Maybe.”
His face is full of empathy as he waves me over to his bed. “I think that’s enough questions for today, E. Come.”
I crawl up his mattress, and into his arms. He wraps me against his chest, pulling me as close as I can possibly get without our two bodies merging together.
His heartbeat is steady underneath my palm, and his fingertips play with my messy hair.
The rhythmic sound of his soothing breaths eventually lulls me to sleep.
When I wake up in Jett’s bed, he’s gone, but there’s a bundle of lavender on my bed next to a tiny paper crane with a heart drawn on the wing.