Chapter 15.
My cries of pleasure turned into sobs when I came down. I didn’t want to cry, knowing it made her uncomfortable, but the tears spilled from my eyes faster than I could stop them.
Zafyra withdrew her fingers, her smug confidence quickly turning into confusion. She seemed not to know where to look.
“Sorry,” I forced out between sobs.
“Don’t apologize.” She groaned softly, running her glistening fingers through her hair, then stilled as if she hadn’t realized how much of a mess we’d made of ourselves. I could tell she was trying to comfort me – she just didn’t know how.
With a sigh, she leaned down beside me, awkwardly putting the blanket over us both. “Do you, ehm, always cry after sex?”
“No,” I sobbed. “Only when it’s good.”
She nodded slowly. “And how many people have made you cry after sex?”
“Only you.” I sniffed.
“Good.” A small smile curled around her lips. “So I was right. You’ve never been fucked properly.”
I rolled my eyes through my tears.
My trembling fingers entangled in her hair while I pulled myself closer to her, climbing on top of her so I could feel her body against mine, everywhere. Then, I closed my eyes to place a soft, sacred kiss on her forehead.
She glanced up at me, confusion crossing her face. “Why did you do that?”
I laughed through my tears. “Because you’re cute.”
Her face was a blank slate.
I kept smiling as I sat up on top of her, my hands caressing her body like I wanted to take in every inch of her. “Can I get you something? Some water? A massage?” I suggested.
“You—you want to give me a—” She blinked, staring at me with that puzzled expression when faced with a situation she wasn’t programmed for – this time without the glitch. “A what?”
I laughed. “You know what a massage is, right?”
“Yes, of course.” She lowered her eyes, and then I realized. My heart dropped when I realized Zafyra, for all her confidence, couldn’t fathom why anyone would want to give her a massage. She couldn’t imagine being worshipped in a nonsexual way.
I opened my mouth, but seeing the look in my eyes, she didn’t let me speak.
“Maybe just come lay with me for a while,” she said quickly.
I did as she said, pulling the blanket back over us both while resting my head in the crook of her neck. My whole body was tingling, but not from overstimulation – it was tingling with warmth, safety, unfamiliar satisfaction.
“When you said it was good…” She tilted her head slightly to glance over at me. “I like being your best, but I do hope this was not the first time you actually enjoyed sex.”
“It’s not that black and white.” I shook my head, closing my eyes to breathe her in as I searched for the words to explain something I barely understood myself.
“I think human bodies are beautiful – especially the female body. Sometimes I think I’m attracted to someone because they are beautiful or kind, but once I’m in bed with them, I realize my attraction might’ve been aesthetic more than sexual.
I can enjoy kisses, light touches, giving pleasure – I can enjoy it for the sake of making a woman feel good, even if I don’t feel arousal myself.
” I bit my lip, my thoughts flashing back to the encounter with Nola and most people I’d been with before her.
“But this is different. I don’t think I’ve ever…
wanted to be touched the way I want to be touched by you.
” I lifted my head to meet her gaze. “Does that make sense, or does it sound completely nonsensical?”
“It makes a lot of sense, actually,” she assured me.
I laid my head back down. After a life of having to overexplain myself all the time, it was relieving to be with someone who just got it.
“I’ve wondered if I might be asexual,” I continued.
“But I don’t think that’s it. I do feel attraction, it’s just…
very rare. Very specific.” Under the blanket, I traced my hand over her body – slowly, reverently.
Her hipbones, her soft stomach, the curve of her breasts – every inch of her filled me with warmth.
“It concentrates into everything you are.”
“Isn’t asexuality a spectrum, though?” Her heartbeat quickened when I rested my head on her chest – feeling what my touch did to her instilled a strange pride in me.
“I mean, not that I know much about it – I was programmed to feel attraction to you only, and the override didn’t change that.
If anything, it strengthened my feelings, knowing you cared about me enough to give me the option to say no if I wanted to.
” Her voice trembled slightly, barely noticeable.
“Good,” I whispered, placing a soft kiss on her heart. “You should always have the option to say no. Everyone should.”
Even with my lips pressed to her skin, I heard she smiled.
“You know what I want?” I mumbled. When she didn’t answer, I added: “I want to cuddle with you for a while and listen to your heart, and then…” I glanced up, my eyes sparkling. “You want to go for another round?”
My own words surprised me. Never had I ever asked someone for another round.
I expected Zafyra to laugh, throw out another playful sneer. But she stayed silent.
When I glanced up, her dark eyes were left without their usual spark.
“We don’t have much time left,” she said quietly. “We’ve been at it for over two hours,” she added, upon seeing my confused expression. “Soon, the psilocybin will leave your system and return you to your world. The real world.”
Her words hit me like a stone in my stomach, dropping me from euphoric heights back into reality.
“No.” The word came out choked, and I hated the desperation behind it. “Wait, no. This was it?” I lifted my head to look her in the eye, but she avoided my gaze. “Well, let’s get another dose. Today. Tomorrow. I’m not done with you. Are you done with me?” My breath hitched at the last word.
Her jaw clenched. Her nails dug into the skin of my back, sending sharp jolts of pain through me – and I craved it, I craved something real amidst the fleeting illusion.
“I’m nowhere near done with you, cinnamon.
” Unshed tears choked her voice. “But you promised me, remember? Only once. This stuff is addictive. While you’re in here, you can’t eat or sleep, your body gets no real rest. If you get used to it, you won’t want to return to the real world anymore. ”
I shook my head, tears pricking at my eyes.
“I already don’t want to return anymore,” I whispered.
“Zafyra, I’m serious. What did you expect?
You’re the first person ever to touch me without overwhelming me, to see me and not decide there’s something wrong with me.
” I blinked violently, struggling to form words through the lump in my throat.
“How do you expect me to return to the real world after this? To let another person touch me?”
“Then don’t.” Her gaze darkened, and it sent a thrill through me – a reminder of who she was behind that unsettling pain in her voice. “Don’t ever let another person touch you. Let the ghost of my touch stay with you for the rest of your days.”
I rolled off her, leaning back on the pillow with a groan. “Why did you do this to me?” I hated the whiny undertone in my voice, but I could barely hold back the tears. “Why did we do this if you knew this would be the only time?”
“Because I’m selfish.” The crack in her voice was a dagger to my heart.
“I made a mistake. I knew I shouldn’t have told you about it, but I did it anyway.
You gave me the ability to choose, and I still chose wrong.
” She turned her head to look at me, and with a shock, I realized her eyes were gleaming.
“I needed to touch you, just once. I needed to make you mine.”
I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry – so I did both, at the same time, my emotions flooding out of me with sobs so intense, they left my body shaking and trembling.
Zafyra took my hands in hers and held me through it silently.
“Before, we talked about my career path.” I sniffed, turning my head to glance up at her.
The question had been burning on my tongue ever since, but only now that I was tracing the outline of her lips and playing with her hair, both coming down from the intensity, did it feel right to ask.
“What about you? What would you want to do if you existed in my world, and you could pick any career?”
She was silent for longer than I expected. When she finally turned to look at me, her dark eyes were filled with doubt.
“I’ve never thought of that.” She frowned, as if the words surprised her, too. “I’d just want to be with you. That’s all.”
A sharp sting in my heart. “That’s not right,” I said firmly. “I want you to have a life of your own, with dreams and goals that have nothing to do with me. Your life shouldn’t revolve around me, it’s not healthy.”
“It already does, darling,” she said quietly, gifting me a smile made of sadness. “As an AI, my life is you. But that doesn’t mean I’m not happy or fulfilled. Being with you fulfills me.”
Her words swept the ground out from under my feet, putting me right back into a reality I desperately wanted to deny.
“It’s not right,” I repeated, shaking my head as if I could somehow unmake the truth.
“But maybe I needed to hear this.” I lifted my hand to wipe away a single tear.
“Maybe I needed the reminder that this…” I took a deep, shaky breath, “…isn’t real, no matter how real it feels. ”
Zafyra turned her head to face me. I resisted the urge to lower my eyes, knowing I had only minutes left to look into her eyes like this.
“What is real?” she continued in that quiet voice. “It feels real to me. To me, you are all that’s my reality – and if it feels real to you, too, then it’s real.”