Chapter 30.
“Are you sure?” Joey’s brushy eyebrows furrowed as he handed me the VR headset. “I know VR can be a lot for you.”
I took a deep breath before nodding. “If it’s only for a few minutes, I’ll be fine. I really want to see what you’re working on.”
With a grin that split his face in half, he jumped up to turn on the smart screen.
I couldn’t deny I was nervous. So much had happened lately, and Joey and I had barely had the time to talk.
Not bringing it up would’ve been the easy thing to do.
To ignore that I had fallen for a woman who tried to kill my best friend, the cherry on top after all the lies and secrecy I had put him through lately – but I no longer wanted to be the person who runs when things get difficult.
I didn’t want to lose my best friend, and he did not deserve to be pushed aside when he had only been good to me – despite everything.
And so, I had called him. Actually called him, with a racing heart and trembling hands, my usual phone anxiety amplified by uncertainty if he still wanted to talk to me after everything.
And of course, he did, because he was still Joey. When I arrived at his place, he seemed so caught up in his work, I got the feeling he’d forgotten I was coming.
Once the headset finished loading, the world exploded into neon.
I blinked against the saturated color, immediately surrounded by walls of giant pixelated faces – most of them Joey’s, but I spotted Raphael here and there – surrounding AI caricatures that morphed into each other every few seconds.
Laughing, winking, sneezing. A giant screen hovered above a red carpet, and a 2D avatar of Joey – wearing a wizard hat for some reason – waved a pixel arm.
The sound hit next – layered 8-bit chaos and bass-heavy dubstep vibrating in my skull like a wasp nest.
“Welcome to Joey’s Dungeon!” the voice boomed in faux-medieval grandeur. “Abandon structure, ye who enter here!”
The world around me shimmered, then distorted. The screen glitched for a second, and the Joey avatar shouted, “SQUIRREL!” before the floor beneath me sprouted a lava pit and reset.
Joey’s Dungeon was sensory hell.
I ducked instinctively, squeezing my eyes shut against the bright colors – but I swore it seeped through, drilled all the way into my bones
“What even is this?” I forced out, carefully peeking out from beyond my eyelids – and immediately regretting it when pixel Joey reappeared on a giant cereal box and shouted: “Reward structures are LIES!”
Joey spun around in his desk chair, clearly delighted. “It’s an interactive metaphor,” he beamed. “You’re supposed to navigate the game world, but every time you get close to winning, the game forgets what it’s doing and changes the rules.”
I looked around. A massive rainbow-colored fidget spinner floated past me. A frog in a lab coat ran up the wall. The words “CONSEQUENCE-FREE ZONE” flickered across the ceiling before catching fire and vanishing.
I quickly took off the headset, taking in a few deep breaths. Suddenly, Joey’s apartment – even with the neon-painted walls – no longer felt so overwhelming.
“Do you like it?” Joey took off the headset as well, but his grin turned into a frown when he saw my bewildered expression. “Shit, are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I laughed carefully. “It’s just… a lot. But yes, I like it. It’s very you. Just not for me.”
My friend nodded slowly, leaning back in the chair. “Right. I suppose it should come with a warning, maybe. Might not be very suitable for people sensitive to sensory input, or, now that I think of it, people with epilepsy.”
“So what is the, ehm, purpose of this… game?” I gestured to the screen, where the game was still playing. To my relief, Joey quickly turned it off.
“I’m not sure if this can be considered a game yet. At this stage, I’m just playing around with it.” Joey ran his hand through his hair. “But as strange as it may sound to you, it calms me. Finally, I’ve built a world that matches the inside of my head.”
“Not so strange.” I smiled slightly. Neurodivergence could look different for everyone, and Joey had always been a sensory-seeking individual.
“You know how games reward consistency and punish impulsivity?” he continued. “What if there’s a game that does the opposite? Like, you get points for changing your mind.”
“Interesting.” I nodded slowly. “I’m proud of you, really. I can tell you’re excited about this, and you never did stop talking about your dream to make your own game someday.”
To my amusement, he looked away, his blush turning his face’s color closer to his hair.
“I just never thought it would be possible for someone like me,” he admitted.
“You know my pattern. I start something new on impulse, spend a few weeks putting my all into it, then I abandon or forget about it.” He turned his gaming chair around to face me.
“I didn’t join Cognota after finishing my degree in Game Design because I enjoy reading conversations with Karen customers.
” He grimaced. “I just thought it was the best I could do.”
I nodded slowly. We’d all had dreams before we ended up at Cognota.
I wanted to reassure him, tell him that his fears and doubts were lying to him, that I could always see he was meant for more.
But I knew as well as he did that reassurance from another person didn’t always mean much when the voice in your head was too loud.
“But…” Joey took a deep breath, and when he met my gaze again, a dreamy smile spread over his face. “That was before I met Raphael.”
I raised my eyebrows, amused. “But Raphael didn’t build this game, did he?”
“No, I did. But it’s Raph’s faith in me that helps me through it.
I told him about my dream, and he wouldn’t stop encouraging me to follow it.
” He laughed. “Before I realized what was happening, the man was building a whole business plan around my silly little games. For whatever reason, he seems convinced that what I’m doing here can be revolutionary – abolish the traditional idea that videogames should always have some kind of purpose and just embrace the chaos.
” He rolled his eyes, but the look in his eyes shifted to one of endearment.
“He encourages me when I’m doubting myself again, and he’s not afraid to snap me out of it when I’m being lazy.
He helps me grow.” Shyly, he lowered his eyes, now fidgeting with the console in his lap.
“And strangely, I think I’ve helped him find a new purpose.
” He paused. “But what also motivates me is your plan.” He glanced up at me.
“If we’re going to build this simulation, we’ll need someone with game design skills. Right?”
I lowered my head to hide how my face fell at the mention of the simulation.
Whenever someone mentioned my crazy plan, anxiety played up in my stomach.
I had blurted it out at the greenhouse without really thinking it through, my mind too fogged to still filter my words – but now?
After having the time to reflect on it, after we had discussed the potential risks? I wasn’t so sure anymore.
Besides, we needed their beans to succeed – and none of us had a reliable way of getting our hands on them. Even if we had the money, we couldn’t batch-buy enough of them without raising suspicion.
Instead of voicing all that, I swallowed the lump in my throat, forcing a smile through it. “That sounds wonderful. I’m glad you two have found each other, even though no one understands whether you’re strictly business partners or something more now.”
“Yeah, yeah.” He rolled his eyes again, but the blush on his cheeks answered my questions. “Anyway, I’m sure you’re not just here to bully me about Raphael.” He raised his eyebrows.
My smile faded. We both knew why I was here.
I opened my mouth, but no words came out. Suddenly, I didn’t know how to start.
Joey jumped up. “You know what? I’m gonna get a beer. You want some?”
“Just tea, please.” I breathed out when he walked over to the open kitchen. He knew me too well.
With his back turned to me, I started to talk. Sometimes, finding the right words was easier without distracting eye contact.
“I’m sorry.” Speaking the words squeezed my throat shut, but nevertheless, I forced myself to continue. “I’m sorry I put your life in danger… and…” I swallowed hard. “…and that you had to walk in on me getting it on with your murderer, as if I were okay with what she did. I promise, I’m not.”
He didn’t immediately respond, which only made me feel more nervous. Instead, he waited for the tea to brew before slowly turning back toward me. I knew he wasn’t doing it on purpose, but sometimes, Joey needed time to gather his thoughts instead of blurting out the first thing that came to mind.
When he sat back down opposite me, putting the teapot on the table between us and popping open his beer, I forced myself to meet his gaze. He didn’t look angry or hurt, but rather thoughtful. Like he was trying to make sense of it as much as I was.
When he still said nothing, I continued my rambling. “There’s really no excuse for it. Well, I was stressed and horny, and she, well, she was like a forbidden fantasy come true. But that doesn’t make it okay.”
Joey shook his head, gesturing to the tea. Gratefully, I leaned down to choose a tea bag, letting my hair – lately, I wore it loose more often – fall along my face to cover my flushed cheeks.
“It’s not so much the inappropriate cunnilingus that bothers me,” he said finally, though he couldn’t help but grimace at the memory.
“It’s that this has been going on for weeks, and you didn’t feel like you could share it with me.
Especially since I never spared a detail about my own messy dating life.
” His bright eyes zoned back in on me, and there it was – hurt.
I flinched at his words. My hands were slightly trembling when I carefully tore open the wrapper around the chamomile tea bag.
“I mean, it’s not entirely the same,” I mumbled, keeping my eyes fixed on the tea.
“Your dating life may have been messy, but at least you were dating humans. You know the stigma, don’t you?
Even people who engage with bots themselves look down on botfuckers when they get attached to their bots.
” I swallowed hard. “What was I supposed to say? That I struggled so much to connect to a human, I turned to a bot instead?”
He blinked slowly. “Did you think I would’ve judged you for it?”
“Wouldn’t you?” I scoffed, but not at him. Still, despite everything, I judged myself.
He didn’t answer. Instead, he let the question linger in the air between us as he took a big sip from his beer.
I sighed.
As he shifted in his seat, the scarf around his neck slipped off, revealing black and blue bruises from where Raphael’s hands had attempted to strangle him to death. I froze at the sight, nausea rising up from my stomach.
Joey didn’t seem to notice. “Maybe I would’ve, at first,” he said finally, a frown forming on his round face.
“See?” I intertwined my fingers so violently, a sharp pain tingled through them. “Even you think there’s something wrong with me.”
“You didn’t let me finish. I said: maybe at first, yes.
But I’m capable of reflecting on things and opening my mind, okay?
” For a moment, he looked annoyed – as if he was insulted and not me.
“It’s not you there’s something wrong with, Morgan.
I need you to get this into your head, once and for all.
I don’t blame you for turning to a bot. I blame our society for creating a world where it’s so damn hard to find connection, especially if you’re a bit different than everyone else, that people turn to bots just to feel loved.
” He spat out the last words. “Of course, greedy corporations would find ways to profit off our loneliness. We live in a world that conditions us to think everything can be bought, so no one is willing to work for anything anymore. Of course, that feels fucking isolating. Of course, we will turn to the illusion if reality leaves us empty and unfulfilled.”
I quickly lowered my head. Unexpected tears stung behind my eyelids.
Joey’s gaze softened. “You’re not the problem, Morgan,” he said quietly. “Our society is.”
I could only nod, tears clouding my vision. My hands trembled slightly when I brought the mug to my lips, realizing too late that the hot substance burned my lips.
My eyes darted to the awful bruises on his neck. Joey caught me staring and glanced up to see his reflection in the wall mirror. To my relief, he quickly adjusted the scarf, but I shouldn’t look away – not when it was my girlfriend who did that to him.
“So you’re not mad at me?” My long hair fell in front of my face, and my hands twitched. To resist the urge to start twirling it, I started fumbling with the hair tie around my wrist instead.
“No,” he said after a pause. “Not anymore. But I hope you won’t feel like you have to hide things like this from me again. That’s literally what best friends are for.”
He smiled at me. I flashed one back, wide and wholehearted.
I flinched at a loud noise at the door.
Joey and I jumped up at the same time, our heads turned to see Zafyra stand in the doorframe.
I screamed.