Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
The morning sun filtered through the blinds, smacking Jo square in the face where she lay curled up in a hoodie and pyjama shorts.
The TV was blank, her mind was almost blank, and for the first time in a couple of weeks, she felt at peace.
Even though she wasn’t sure she’d slept much, her body felt like it had been asleep.
She couldn’t believe how accommodating Lia had been last night with her request. Jo didn’t know if she could be someone else for the sake of another woman’s fantasy, but she hadn’t been put in that position, so it didn’t matter.
What mattered was that she was content and marginally happy this morning.
At least, she was if she didn’t think about moaning ‘I love you’ into the darkness last night with Amelia on her mind.
She brought the blanket up to her chin and sighed.
Her thighs ached in the best way, her lips were swollen from Lia’s kisses, and her chest still fluttered when she thought about what she’d asked for…
and what Lia had given her in return. A mind-blowing experience while pretending to be Amelia for her.
Jo groaned into the blanket. What the hell was wrong with her?
It felt as though she’d crossed a line that didn’t really exist, and Lia had gone there with her without even hesitating.
She had slipped into the role so easily, whispering all the things Jo wished Amelia would say, while touching her the way she imagined Amelia would if they ever had the chance.
Jo’s stomach flipped.
It had been hot, but fuck…it had been equally devastating. The way Lia had taken her apart, the way her lips had moved over Jo’s body like she was memorising her…and Jo had let it happen while pretending—needing—to imagine it was someone else.
Now, with her hair a mess and the faintest bruises showing on her thighs from Lia’s grip, Jo didn’t know whether to cry or laugh. She wanted Amelia, it was no secret, but what the hell did it say about her when she was walking into the dark for someone else just to feel her?
Her phone buzzed from the coffee table as Ada’s name lit up the screen.
“Hey.”
“Well, good morning,” Ada sang, far too chipper for this hour. “Why do you sound like you’ve just committed a crime?”
Jo rolled onto her back and pressed the heel of her hand to her forehead. “Because it sort of feels like I did.”
“Oh no.” Ada’s voice flattened. “What did you do?”
“First of all, I was right, and Lia was at the club. Secondly, she agreed to roleplay with me.”
Ada giggled. “I love you so much, but knowing you roleplayed with some stranger in the dark is hilarious. I’m sorry, but it is.”
“Why? What’s so hilarious about it?” Jo frowned. She didn’t need this today. “You go in there and let strangers do fucking all kinds of things to you, but when I ask someone to roleplay, it’s hilarious! Fucking thanks.”
“N-no. I didn’t mean it like that.” Ada sighed. “But before you came to Satin with me, you never would have just blurted something like that out. It’s not a criticism, not at all, I just didn’t expect it.”
“Fair enough.” Jo curled further into the couch, her face half-buried in the blanket. “Sorry.”
“I could have worded it better. That one was on me.”
Jo chewed her lip. “I…asked her to be Amelia.”
The line went silent. Whatever mood Ada had been in seconds ago, it had all but vanished. And then… “You’ve lost your mind, babe.”
“Yeah. Tell me something I don’t know.”
“But…” Ada cleared her throat. “It’s also kind of genius.”
Jo’s brows drew together. “Wait, what?”
“I mean, if you can’t have Amelia in real life, why not use the anonymous sex goddess to pretend it’s her?” Ada snorted. “You’ve created the ultimate fantasy scenario. I’m both impressed and slightly horrified.”
Jo groaned. “I feel awful about it.”
“Why?”
“Because I have to meet Amelia tomorrow to talk about everything, and I’m terrified I won’t be able to look her in the eye without picturing her on top of me.”
Ada cackled. “Well, that’s one way to spice up a serious talk.”
“Don’t,” Jo warned, though she couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her. “Please, don’t.”
“I’m just saying, if the conversation goes south, you can always go back to Lia and ask her to be Amelia forever.”
Jo forced the blanket harder against her face. “Oh, my God!”
“I mean, it solves your problem if nothing else.”
“Seriously, stop now.” Jo flung back the blanket and sat up. “This isn’t funny, no matter how much I wish it could be.”
“Oh, come on. This is hilarious.”
“No, it’s a mess, and it’s getting worse by the day.”
“You’re right,” Ada agreed, “but that’s very on-brand for you at the moment.”
Jo shook her head and sighed. “I don’t know what to do, Ada.
I really don’t. We said we’d discuss everything and talk properly, but I can’t exactly sit there and tell her I roleplayed with Lia last night, can I?
I know she’s into the club scene, and I know she’s probably filthy when she’s there, but this is different.
This is me admitting that I wanted Lia to be her. It’s fucked up, is what it is.”
“Let’s not forget that this is the same woman who helped you get yourself off just last weekend on the phone. I think she may just surprise you.”
Jo looked down at the plush carpet beneath her feet. “It’s the not knowing that has me tied up in knots. Her reaction, what’s going to come of the talk at all, whether she’ll be gone from my life by tomorrow night.”
“I know,” Ada said. “But I think you’re both ready for this conversation, and whether it ends up with you together or apart, at least you’ve been honest.”
Jo’s chest ached. “You’re right. The talk needs to happen no matter what.”
“Tell you what, I’ll come over on Saturday morning and be there for you either way.
If you end up coming home.” Jo could feel Ada’s grin from across the city.
“And if you don’t come home and it all goes far better than you’re expecting…
then I guess I should prepare myself for you to be less available in the future. ”
“Let’s just take it one step at a time, yeah?”
“One step at a time.”
Amelia wrapped her hands around her cup, staring out the window onto the high street.
Her cappuccino had gone cold long ago, the milk forming a thin film on the surface, but she couldn’t bring herself to order another.
She wasn’t here for the coffee. She wasn’t sure why she’d come here at all.
The little cafe in the city centre was one she rarely used.
It was too open and too exposed with its floor-to-ceiling windows and pale wood tables.
But that had appealed to her this morning.
After a night hidden in the dark, pressed skin to skin with a woman she couldn’t have, Amelia needed light and brightness. She needed to breathe.
She hadn’t slept for a second. Her mind had played back every moment on a loop, each one more vivid than the last. Jo had laid herself bare last night. She’d whispered Amelia’s name and confessed to being in love with her under the guise of some harmless roleplay.
Only it wasn’t harmless.
Amelia had felt every word as they’d settled in her chest. Her hands had shaken when she’d arrived home, her knees had buckled in the shower, and she couldn’t stop remembering the things Jo had said. How much she wished she could have her. How she would never hurt her. How…she loved her.
And Amelia—grown woman with her life together—was sitting in a coffee shop like a teenager who didn’t know how to face the girl she liked.
She was supposed to be seeing Jo tomorrow, but a part of her wanted to go there now.
To drive to Jo’s flat, knock on the door, and just ask her outright.
Did you mean it? Do you love me? Did you know it was me last night?
Of course, she couldn’t do that. She was barely holding it together as it was.
The risk of getting the answers she didn’t want was too high.
“Jesus Christ.”
A voice to the side of Amelia caught her off-guard, pulling her from her spiralling thoughts.
She frowned and looked up.
Ada.
Jo’s Ada. Her ever-present, ever-wise, ever-sarcastic best friend. The last person Amelia was ready to deal with today.
“Hi.” Amelia managed a smile as she sat up a little straighter.
“Fancy seeing you here.” Ada grinned as she pulled the chair out opposite. “Mind if I join you?”
“No, of course not.” Amelia waved a hand to the empty seat, trying to mask the tremble in her fingers. “Be my guest.”
Ada sat and gave Amelia a good, long look. “You look like shit.”
Amelia lifted a brow. “That bad, huh?”
“Mmhmm.” Ada tilted her head, something knowing in her expression. “Didn’t sleep?”
Amelia hesitated. “No.”
“Weird.” Ada picked up the menu but didn’t read a word of it. “Jo didn’t sleep either.”
The weight of that name in the air pressed down on Amelia’s chest. She didn’t know how much Ada knew, but it was likely far more than Amelia hoped.
Ada looked up. “She’s still in a bit of a daze, to be honest. You have that effect on her.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good thing,” Amelia said as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I don’t want to make things harder for her. She’s still getting over Callum, I think.”
Amelia knew that was so far from the truth: Jo hadn’t uttered her son’s name in months now, but it was all she could offer. She wasn’t the kind of woman who discussed her personal life with other people. That included Jo’s best friend.
“Well.” Ada closed the menu and leaned her elbows on the table. “Slight hiccup with that plan, given you had her moaning your name on the phone last weekend.”
Amelia nearly choked on her breath. “She told you that?”
“Of course she did.” Ada grinned. “You know Jo. She overshares when she’s feeling guilty. And she was feeling very guilty.”
Amelia’s cheeks burned. She wanted the ground to open up. “Fucking hell.”
“Relax. I think it’s great.”
Surprised, Amelia lifted her brows. “You do?”