Chapter 17 - Porter
I ’m a fucking asshole. I should have left her a note, woken her up or at least sent her a message, despite how riddled with typos it would have been. Every excuse I've come up with has felt weak, and I'm too scared of my own feelings to admit it to her. Last night was the first night in as long as I can remember that I slept.
Actually slept.
My nightmares seemed to stop before they even started and I didn't wake up smelling phantom blood, or with my jaw so tight it ached for the rest of the day. My sheets were in almost the exact same place from when we fell asleep and not in a twisted mess tangled around my body. We moved positions in the night and when I woke this morning, she was curled into my chest, limbs entwined with mine, the strong scent of vanilla coming from whatever shampoo she must use.
My body is so attuned to getting up early, I haven't needed to set an alarm for years. I should have stayed with her, woken her up with my face between her legs. Especially after the night we shared. Her fingers pumping into her perfect pussy and dripping all over my desk is forever imprinted in my mind.
But instead of staying with her and basking in the peace she brings me, I decided to slowly untangle myself from her body, careful not to wake her. Grabbed my clothes from where I left them the night before and dressed near the kitchen. Being extra quiet when I snuck outside through the roof access door.
The pull of the dawn was too big to keep me in bed with Charlie and I have yet to miss it since my sweetheart passed.
My Lila.
She deserved so much more than I gave her, the least I can do is honour her in death. Every morning I come to see her in the grey of dawn. The way the sky takes on a soft haze that makes you question if it's actually getting lighter. How the mountains become darker as the sun starts to rise, and then before you realise it, you're surrounded in soft pinks and dark purples, glowing rapidly brighter until all consuming brightness devours you.
That’s the moment I feel her.
When those first rays of sun hit me and the cold I was once standing in is replaced by warmth. Vibrant light surrounds the two of us, and if I'm lucky I can see her silhouette somewhere in the brightness. All memory of her lifeless body escapes my mind and I'm comforted by the warmth she now finds herself in. I don’t always talk to her, in fact, it's been a while since I have. Choosing instead to just enjoy that small moment of warmth before the clarity of the day unfolds and everything is smothered in daylight. This morning though, while Charlie slept in my bed downstairs, I quietly expressed my worries to the dawn.
To Lila.
Hoping that she would give me a sign on how to move on from her. If she would be okay with that? For her blessing and forgiveness.
The loud bang of the alleyway door startled me out of my grieving haze, my breath catching suddenly when I realised it was Charlie walking away hurriedly.
Away from the bar.
Away from me.
Away from us.
Feelings are not something I dabble in a lot anymore, so knowing I left her alone this morning and then watching her leave. I'm struggling to make sense of how to fix it, how I fix it.
Dante messages me every morning to say when she's arrived at Ace’s house and then again when she leaves. I asked him to do that when I first realised she was coming here to help Mila. So even though she doesn't know, and doesn't need to know I keep tabs on her, this raw tightness in my chest feels better when I have a rough idea of where she is and who she's with.
Dante seemed to understand what I meant when the only explanation I gave him was I just need to know she's okay , grunting at me that he's the same way with Mila.
I received my morning message of her arrival but I still haven't received one that she's left. It's not completely unheard of for her to stay a little later but the longer I go without hearing of her whereabouts, the more frustrated I get about it and how I left her this morning.
Leaning on the bar, there is a lull between patrons and I use it to quickly take out my phone and bring up my messages. Intending to send something short and direct so I don’t muck it up too badly.
Me: Hry i cmt messahe calk me
Pressing send before I double check what I typed and instantly regretting why I even bothered.
Oh my fucking gods, I don’t even know what I’ve said and I wrote the fucking message. Throwing a fuck it to the universe, I call her. Hoping she picks up despite the cold shoulder I gave her this morning.
“Hey, I just got your message … um, what does it say?” she asks, answering my call rather politely, despite the utter chaos I sent her.
“Sorry, I'm not good at messages. My fingers are too big so I end up pressing the wrong keys. I swear I'll only call from now on.” I say, scrambling to explain myself.
“That's okay, I happen to like your big fingers,” she laughs into the phone. Somehow managing to make big fingers sound like the most suggestive thing ever. Sweet heavens above, this woman will be the death of me.
“Charlie,” I growl.
“ What? I like the way they make me my drink when I have dinner, and I like that they make the best grilled cheese I've ever had. But the thing I love most about them is when they fuc—”
“Stop,” I grunt, “The last thing I need is one of the old codgers coming up to the bar for a beer and I've got a raging hard on. I’ll make you a dripping mess on my fingers later when I fuck you with them, but for the love of all things good, please stop winding me up when I only have my hand to use and not that sweet pussy of yours. Speaking of, what time can I expect you tonight?”
I'm starting to get anxious over her being away from me. I want her near me at all times, and if she was working with anyone other than Mila, I'd have to check on her several times a day because now that I've had her, sunk my cock into her, claimed her … she's mine.
Sighing, she lowers her voice and purrs, “Is that a promise?”
“You have no idea.” The words spilling from me in a low rumble. “What time will you be home?” I ask again, seeing she ignored my question and immediately I'm kicking myself. Fucking idiot.
I said home .
We’ve had one fucking night together and here I am acting like we’ve been together forever and this is just our routine.
Our day to day.
I've never had to really try for women. They always seemed to line up when I felt the itch, even Lila just seemed to make sense when I first saw her. But Charlie's not like any of them. She's the first woman I've met who has her own wants and desires. She won’t settle and isn't looking for another person to fulfil anything for her.
If you're in her life it's because she wants you in it, end of. There’s no grey with her.
“I've got some laundry to do when I get to my place and then I'll head to the bar after that, if that's okay? I've had a bit of a long day trying to navigate all the emotions surrounding the guys going away soon and I'm a little drained. Oh, that reminds me. Would you be open to coming to stay out here at the house while they’re on their mission? Nova can’t anymore and I think it would make Dante feel better if he knew a big burly hunky man was here with us.”
“Hunky aye?” I can't help but grin at her words. “You think I'm hunky?”
“Oh gods no, you're like a troll. Dante thinks you're a hunky piece of man meat that he can't wait to grill,” she says laughing.
“I'm not sure if that makes me uncomfortable or not,” I say honestly.
“I’ll message you when I'm leaving my place, and no you don't have to message back. Who knows what it will say if you attempt it.”
I can hear the smile in her voice and gods it makes me miss her. She can't come back soon enough. I really have no clue what I'm doing with her. I've been stewing all day over what I thought was her storming out this morning, but is it possible I read the situation entirely wrong and she was just going to work?
“Hey, Charlie?”
“Yeah?”
“I've missed you today. I'm really looking forward to seeing you later.”
I hear the deep breath she takes and the silence echoes a little longer than it should.
“I should get going,” she sighs, “it's going to take me a while to pack up here.”
“Yeah, all good. See you in a bit.” I say, trying to stay neutral with my tone. Her rejection makes me flex my hand tighter around the phone until I hear it crack slightly.
“Hey, Ports?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ve missed you too.”