Chapter 22 - Nova
Heal - Tom Odell
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The squeals of my two best friends make my ears ring as they jump up and down in excitement, but my gaze doesn't waver from the wedding dress hanging behind my Pop. He remains stoic in his presence, letting the squealing die down before I'm dragged closer to him.
“Ladies,”
he says, tipping his head at us. “I love this enthusiasm but if you keep screaming I'll end up getting hearing aids. Can I have a moment to talk with my girl before you both start the transformation process?”
He says grinning, wiggling a finger in his ear to try and get his hearing back.
“Of course. We’ll head up to the apartment and get everything set up,”
Mila says, motioning to the stairwell further down the barn, practically leaping with excitement.
Ace has converted and built on to this barn so much over the years that I can barely remember what it used to look like. But I do know that through the old sliding door at the other end, is a beautiful small pond. His favourite place on the property and one that he’s already mentioned he could be married by.
Is this what's happening? My marriage to Ace?
I wish it were real.
Taking my cheek in his hand, my Pop looks down at me his expression full of affection.
“I’m not sure if I ever told you about the night you first came to stay with us. I heard you get up, and then I heard both you and Ace walk back to your room. I was about ready to grab my shotgun and tell him to get the hell out of my house for even thinking of staying with you that night. But, Martha ... she.”
He chuckles at the memory he's reliving, quickly wiping away a tear that threatened to fall.
“She stood in front of our bedroom door and told me flat out, that just because I had a daughter now, it didn't mean I could go barging into her room in the middle of the night, especially when the man she had in there loved her ... protected her. She always knew that this would happen. She told me there would be a day when I would get to walk you down the aisle and that Ace would be the man standing at the altar.”
“Pop, it's not real,”
I sob. “This is all just for show. Something we can tell my family about to cover up my lies .”
He pulls me into his firm chest, holding me tightly as I try to control my breathing. I wish it was real, but it's not. I've never met another man that elicits the feelings Ace gives me. There was always a spark but then one day his touch made my heart beat a little faster and my breath would catch when I caught him staring at me, always the same faint blush on his cheeks when he realised I'd seen.
We touch.
We’re intimate without being intimate.
I want more from him though. I want everything he gives me in my dreams. The life we share together is almost perfect, and I don't know how we cross the bridge into being something more, but I want it desperately. If today is a day I can live out this fantasy, then I will embrace it and live every day to its fullest. So when I think of it, days, months or years from now, I will know that for me, it was real.
Stepping away slightly, I keep a hold of his hand. My Pop is one of two remaining people who can keep me anchored.
“It's just a fantasy. I don't think he could lo—”
“Now, you just stop right there, you hear. You can't bullshit a bullshitter, baby girl, and I know, just like Martha did, that the man standing out there waiting for you, loves you just as much as I loved your Ma. Now if you don't feel the same then I’ll be your getaway driver but I don't doubt for a second that you love him just as much.”
The passion he talks with is visceral. I know I can’t hide my feelings from him, but there's still one thing I've never said. A secret that keeps me from taking a leap of faith with Ace.
“Pop?”
I say his name and you can hear the uncertainty I feel. Worried that if I say the thing I’m most worried about, he will confirm it and I'll not know how to take those next steps forward.
“I think I'm still broken,”
I whisper so quietly that I can barely hear the words myself, but I know the man who stands before me heard every one of them.
“Angel, is that what you've been worried about? Nova, you're not broken, you never were. That man loves each and every flawed part of you, he doesn't want a different version of you. He wants the woman standing here right now. You have always been good enough, Nova. You always will be. But if you are worried you're still broken, then let him heal you. Create the most amazing life with him. One that could equal every day I shared with your Ma. This all might be happening under the ruse of a lie but I assure you this is absolutely real, I wouldn't be supporting you both if I didn't think so. If you choose this future, then I'll be waiting down here to walk you down the aisle. He’s waiting for you, Nova. Go on, go get ready for him.”
His words fill me with optimism and hope. I never allowed myself to truly believe I could have this.
That I could have him.
Wiping my tears, I give him one final hug before moving toward the stairwell of the apartment. Turning back to say, “I feel her with me. Some days are stronger than others but she's with me today, with both of us. I love you, Pop.”
He looks at me, patting his palm to his heart, “We love you too, Nova. We love you too.”