13. Tate
TATE
I walk up the steps of my father's home, of my home really. He moved out here with me at the start of the season. We’d always been close, but when we really only had each other, being hours away from each other wasn’t something either of us wanted to do.
With him being retired and having nothing else holding him in our hometown, he moved out here with me.
Even though I have been avoiding him like no tomorrow, I've missed him too. Missed talking to him and just spending time with him really. Normally, I’d just open the door and let myself in, but after so long of not being here, I feel awkward doing that, which is weird.
I have never felt like that before, when living here or even in our old family home.
Knocking on the door. I wait, listening to the soft thud of Dad's footsteps as he comes closer.
“Well, about time you got home, son,” he says opening the door to me. “What the fuck you doing knocking?”
I chuckle, feeling immediately put at ease by just seeing my dad's smiling face.
I didn't realise how much tension I was holding, thinking that he'd be angry at me—but I should have remembered that this is Frank.
That's not who he is. He's a very caring and understanding man.
And he's never going to push me away just because I've made a dumb decision.
“Oh, Dad, it's good to see you, mate,” I say, pulling him into a hug.
“It's good to see you too, son. What brings you over? I thought you were living with your boyfriend now.”
There's a slight tinge to his voice inquiring about what could be going wrong.
There's no judgement. There's no animosity.
There is just genuine fatherly compassion and care shining through.
Man, it's times like this that I realise how much I've taken him for granted all these years.
After hearing stories from Vince about his family and how they treated him, I am even more aware now of how good I've got it with my dad.
“Um, Yeah, I've been staying with Vince,” I say, giving him a slight grin.
“How's things going with good old Vince? Dad asks, leading me into the house and shutting the door behind me. “Would you like a cuppa?”
“Yeah, Dad, I'll have a cuppa. Thanks,” I answer, before continuing. “Yeah. No, I think things are good with Vince. I don't know, I think I need some advice, Dad.”
“Oh, dear son. Is that all you come around for these days, just for some advice?” He asks jokingly.
Even though I can tell it’s a joke, I need to put him at ease.
“No, Dad, I've missed you. I'm sorry that I haven't been around more. I've had a lot going on in my head and I know I can talk to you about anything, but there are some things I just, I didn't know how to talk to you about them. And then,” I trail off.
“And now you need some advice about all those things?” Dad asks.
“Yeah, I just, I just don't know what to do. I don't know where my head's doing. I don't know where I'm at with everything.”
“Well,” says Dad, flicking the jug on and then coming over to stand in front of me at the kitchen island. “Why don't we start from the beginning, and then we can go from there?”
That's my dad for you. Always the type of bloke who knows how to just how to put me at ease. Never one to judge or hold something against me. Never want to discredit what's going on with my feelings, just a good genuine bloke, who is always ready to have a chat.
So, as he makes a cup of tea and puts it in front of me, I just I tell him everything.
Starting at the beginning, I tell him the truth.
Filling him in on how I wasn't with Vince, how it all came about overnight, from something that was blown absolutely out of control, and how we were thrown into a situation by team management who, tried to save their face, but in the turn fucked us over.
I tell him about how we decided to fake date for a little while. Until the start of training camp. And then I tell him how I started fooling around with Vince, and the connection that we've started to develop over the last few months.
“There were a few times there, Dad, where I thought that he genuinely wanted me—that we were developing something together.
But then he'll pull back and he won't kiss me and or talk to me.
We'd fool around and we'd do basically everything a couple would do, but there's like this…” I pause, trying to find the right words. “There's this wall around him.”
“In the beginning, there were a few times that he’d push me away.
Asking me why I wouldn’t come home,” I chuckle.
“At first, it was because I didn’t want to confront you about everything or lie to you about what was between us, and that was true to a certain point, I guess.
Looking back on it, I think I just didn't want to leave him.
I didn't want to give up on the possibility of what we could have been at that point. We’d only kissed once, and not that I was really aware of it, but I knew that I wanted more of that—more of him.
I don't think I really realised that until the other day when we went out on that date and you saw that we ran into Tom and from Fly By and his husband.”
Dad let me go on without interrupting, just letting me vent as much as I needed too to get it all out.
“We were chatting with them, and they told us about their story. How they found each other, and what they've gone through with media troubles, and it gave me hope. It gave me a stab of longing—of jealousy, I suppose. Jealous that they had what I wanted.”
“So, you do want to be with Vince?” Dad asks.
“Yeah, Dad. I didn’t realise it until then, but fuck oath I do.
I’d never thought of a man like this before.
You know that I haven’t really dated that many people anyway, but I don’t think I ever would have considered Vince in the beginning.
I don't think I ever really would have realised what I could feel for him if I didn't know that he loved me first. That is what opened my eyes to the potential that he was there, and I suppose was an option for me.
But at the same time, his actions over the last few months confuse the fuck out of me.
I feel like he's a guy who's just trying to survive a public nightmare, and who's taking advantage of the fact that I'm there and willing to give him an orgasm, I guess.”
“Surely that's not really what you think, is it?” Dad asks.
“I don't know what to think, Dad,” I reply shaking my head. “Every time I try and have a conversation with him. It just… doesn't happen. I tried to talk more, I’ve tried to talk to him about his feelings, but he just shuts me down and tells me, ‘That’s not what this is’. Several times he’s apologised for telling the world about his feelings and getting us into this situation, but then he will deny those feelings in the ned breath.
If he had these feelings… if he’s loved me this whole year, why doesn't he act like this is his one chance to have me? I would’ve thought he’d be jumping for joy being able to be with me.
He acts like he can't understand why I'm there and why I haven't run away screaming.”
“Well, have you told him how you feel?” Dad asks, his tone insinuating that this is the logical thing to do.”
“Well, no,” I say. “But how could I when I don’t even know what I am feeling?”
“Well, isn't that kind of the point then?” Dad asks.
“A relationship thrives on communication, Tate. You sort out how you are feeling and tell him, and what's going on through your head because, at this rate, mate, he probably has irrational thoughts just you are. He’s only ever known you to like women, is that right?”
“Well, yeah, I guess so.”
“So maybe he’s the one thinking you're just taking advantage of the situation with him? He probably doesn't know what to think about what you're feeling, which is why you need to tell him.”
“I know, I know, and I told him today that I was coming to see you and, you know, like get my head screwed on straight before the start of the training season, and he just freaked out on me!” I exclaim, frustrated that this whole situation is so overwhelming.
All I want to do is go back to his house.
Tease another smile out of him. Flirt with him as I help him cook dinner.
Pretend I don’t notice him perving on me while I do my workout routines.
Brush my lips against his in the rare moments that he lets me before tensing up and pulling away from me again.
Fuck. I just want him.
“So, just to recap to make sure I’ve got it all.
You’re moping because the man who you don't think loves you, who has been letting you live with him for a few months now under the premise that you're fake dating, but actually really messing around with, clammed up when you told him you were coming back here before training camp?”
“Yeah,” I say, trying to prompt him to get to his point.
“The man who knew that the plan was to break up at the start of training camp. That the man, who basically alluded to the world that he loved you and then since then has very, very much proven to everyone that he loves you because every time he looks at you, he's got fucking heart eyes—”
“He does not, Dad,” I interrupt.
“He does. I've seen it. Not in person, but in all the photos and everything going around.”
“Yeah, but Dad, those are publicity stunts. Those are when we’ve been out keeping up appearances. In those moments, he is just making the world believe that he loves me so that it saves our reputation because of everything that happened with those posts.”
“What was the worst that was going to happen if everyone found out at the beginning?” Dad asks, and the change in direction has me reeling. “That you weren't actually together, I mean?”
“I don’t know,” I say, running my hand through my hair again.
“We couldn’t deny it. Team management already confirmed to everyone that we were together and that they supported us.
They’d confirmed that there was no conflict of interest because of our positions on the team because he's not like my direct coach.”
“Yeah, I know all that. But that would have happened if you just told everyone that they over reacted and that you weren’t actually together?”
I just look at him, unable to figure out some kind of response.
Maintaining eye contact with me, Dad continues, “You guys could have turned around and said, Oh, it was a laugh and then just gone about your day.”
“Yeah, but then we would have come across as homophobic or something. Besides, Vince wasn't even out to anyone except for his family, and his family have completely cut him off because of his sexuality. We needed to go along with the narrative that everyone else set up for us.”
“So, you did it just for your reputation? Are you sure that's all it was?” Dad asks.
“What are you getting at, Dad?” I sigh, leaning back in my chair.
“Well, what was it you said? That Vince doesn't act like this is his shot to have you if he does love you. But that sounds like it's exactly what is been doing this whole time.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, he could have just turned around and said to everyone, hey, no, we're not together.
You could have played it off as having a really good mate, like a what is it called?
A bromance. But you didn't. You boys went straight to faking a relationship for months, needing to post photos of you together. Which one of you suggested you kiss for the first time?”
“Uh, me. I did,” I grimace.
“Right, and how did he react to that?”
I shake my head, trying but failing to keep a goofy grin off my face. “Good, I guess. We went a bit further than that, too."
“Tate, what I'm trying to say, mate, is that it sounds like this whole time Vince has been in love with you. And he's been using this as a chance to be with you until you leave him,” Dad says gently with a smile.
“Yeah, but I don't want to leave him,” I state.
“But does he know that?” Dad asks me.
“Well, he should, shouldn't he?” I sigh, “Like, he knows what we've been doing and how that's making me feel.”
“No, Tate. He's not going to know until you tell him, mate. He’s not a mind reader.”
“Yeah, but like, it's obvious, isn't it? I'm the one who keeps coming to stay. I'm the one who keeps going to him. And then, you know, what happened on our date. I got to talking about Tom and Jules’ story and I thought… I thought maybe that was what he needed to hear, to know that. I was in this.”
“Are you in this?”
“Well, I didn't know it until then, but yeah, I am.
But then today. I told him that I was going to come here, and he like freaked the fuck out.
I was just going to come here for a chat and go back to him.
But that's turned into him saying he wants a few days’ break to get our heads on straight.
Now, I'm not going to see him now until training camp.”
“And you still haven't told him how you feel?”
“No, Dad, I haven't told him. don't know. I don't know how I feel. That's why I came to you for advice. I don't know what I'm feeling.”
“Mate, I have a feeling that your boy is freaking out right now. You said your plan was that you'd break up at the start of training camp. From his side, you haven't told him how you feel, and then you tell him you're coming home a few says before you would be planning on breaking up.”
“And he's put one and one together and made two.”
“Yeah, and he’s right, one plus one does make two, mate, but you’re not getting it. Tate, Vince thinks you're going to break up with him in a few days.”
“What? No, he can’t possibly think that… not after everything we’ve done together, and how we have been together.”
“Tate, at the end of the day, you never told him the plan was going to change. In his mind, no matter how great the last few weeks have been, your plan is still going to be breaking up at the start of training camp.”
“But I never suggested that. He did. He was the one who said we'll fake date for a few months and then break up and say we're better off as co-workers or just as friends. I don’t want that.”
“But Vince doesn’t know that Tate, and up until this conversation, you didn’t know that either.”
“Yeah, but…” Fuck, I hate when Dad uses logic.
“I know Tate, but it looks like that’s what he thinks the plan is.
But you’re here now and agreed to give him some space.
So, take the next few days to think about it and come up with a plan for how you're going to tell your man that you're not done, and that you want him. So that when you start training camp in a few days, you have figured out what you want.”
But that’s just it. I already know what I want. Now I just need to figure out how to get Vince to understand that he is what I want—the only one I want.