Chapter 15
Caroline rose with the rooster the next morning and made breakfast. The sun hadn’t yet risen when she put the biscuits on to bake, and neither had the children.
She peered out the window, trying in vain to see the snow, but all she could see was the flakes that had collected in the corners of the frame and her own reflection.
She poured a second cup of coffee when Jackson’s boots clomped on the porch as he returned from doing early morning chores. He set a pail of milk on the sink then removed his coat, his face reddened from the cold.
“Did it snow much?” she asked as she handed him the cup.
“Half a foot.” He wrapped his hands around the steaming cup and took a cautious sip. “I’ll have to see what the sky looks like when the sun comes up, but I should still be able to take you to town.”
Caroline responded with a small nod. She couldn’t get away from Jackson Maguire fast enough yesterday. Today, she was reluctant to leave. “Noah is going to press you to get him one of Mr. Green’s puppies,” she said as she joined him at the table.
Jackson grimaced. “I know.”
“It might be good for him…something to teach him responsibility. And a distraction.”
He took a sip of his coffee and tilted his head, as if to acknowledge something he hadn’t considered.
“Would a dog truly distress your food stores, or is that just something you told him to put him off?”
“It could during lean years. But that’s not why I dissuaded him. I’ve made plans with my sister and her husband to take Noah and Jewel to live with them in St. Louis.”
“Indefinitely?”
“For the foreseeable future.”
“I thought you’d send them back to stay with Celia.”
“I will, but it’s temporary. Sagebrush Springs is growing, and so is Celia’s customer list. She can’t run her business with children underfoot.”
“But this is their home,” Caroline blurted, unable to hide her shock, “and they just lost their mother. How can you send them away from all they know?”
Irritation sparked through the misery in his eyes. “What choice do I have? They’re too young to look after themselves, much less cook and see to the house. I can’t run the farm and care for them alone.”
“Have you told them?”
“No.” He set down his cup and pushed away from the table. “Dress the children in something warm. I’ll hitch the team after breakfast.”
Caroline watched Jackson go out the door, then set the table and fried some ham to go with the biscuits. On a day this cold, they’d all need something substantial.
Small feet padded down the stairs behind her as she shoved the skillet of ham to the warming section of the stove and pulled the biscuits from the oven. Noah shuffled into the kitchen, wearing his nightclothes and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“Good morning,” Caroline greeted with a smile.
“Mornin’.” He blinked and looked around.
“Is something wrong?”
“I thought I heard Mama’s voice.”
Caroline prayed he hadn’t overheard her and Jackson’s conversation. “What did the voice say?”
“I couldn’t make out the words.” He shrugged and sat in his chair. “I musta dreamed it.”
“Is Jewel awake?”
He shook his head.
Caroline poured him a cup of milk and sat at the table with him. “Would you be upset if I stayed a few more days? I still must ask your father’s permission, but I wanted to know how you felt about it first.”
The same crease that had marred his brow when he’d scanned the room returned. Then his forehead smoothed. “It’s all right.” He took a sip of his milk and sighed. “I suppose I should give up on getting a puppy. By the time we make it back to town, they’re all gonna be gone.”
“How big is the litter?”
“Seven, I think.”
“Don’t give up yet. It’ll take a while to find homes for all of them.” She didn’t know why she was encouraging him to hope for a gift that had already been quashed, or why she was extending her stay. She could bide here for months, and it still wouldn’t change Jackson’s situation.
Caroline turned at the sound of whimpering.
Jewel was standing on the bottom step of the stairs, crying.
“What’s wrong?” Caroline asked as she went to her.
“I wet,” Jewel replied, holding out the soggy skirt of her gown.
“It’s all right.” Caroline took her by the hand. “Come stand by the fire while I heat some water for a bath.” The sun had started rising, but not enough to lend any real warmth.
Caroline brought the tub from the washroom and set it near the hearth. She filled it with enough water to give Jewel a good rinsing, then stripped the tot and set her in it.
Jackson walked in on the scene and frowned. “It’s a bit cold for that, isn’t it?”
Caroline looked up from where she knelt. “She wet herself.” At his grunt of acknowledgement, she added, “The biscuits and ham are on the stove. Would you please move the skillets to the table?”
By the time he’d done that and refreshed everyone’s cups, Caroline had Jewel clean and dried and wrapped in a blanket. “This will do until we finish breakfast,” she told her as she set her in her chair.
“Aunt Caroline wants to stay,” Noah piped up before she could even take her seat.
Caroline’s eyes closed at the blurted admission then opened and lifted to meet Jackson’s nebulous stare. “I thought I might stay a few more days, to help with the children. But only if it’s all right with you.”
Jackson sat mute for an excruciatingly long moment. “It’s all right with me, but I don’t see the point.” He’d been forced to bridle his reply, because Noah and Jewel hadn’t yet learned he’d be sending them to live with his sister, but it still landed with a sting.
“I’ll pack, then,” Caroline said in a quiet voice.
Noah looked at her then his father. “I don’t want her to go.”
“Noah,” she and Jackson said in unison.
Jackson made a gesture of deferral, but Caroline ignored it. She’d started to tell Noah that his father had the final say, because it was the truth. She’d let Jackson say his piece, and she would leave if he didn’t want her here.
“I suppose a couple more days wouldn’t hurt.”
Wouldn’t hurt? It would all but kill him.
Every minute spent with Caroline reminded him of all he’d given up.
It was a constant painful digging, like a knife gouging pieces from his flesh.
He couldn’t say he wished she’d never come—she knew the truth now, and she didn’t hate him anymore—but he wasn’t sure how much longer he could tolerate her presence.
The only reason he’d given in was that once she left, so would his children. And living without them would hurt just as much.
Jackson reached to fork a piece of ham.
“Papa,” Noah exclaimed, “you didn’t say the blessing.”
Jackson pulled his hand back. “You’re right.” He glimpsed Jewel pressing her little hands together as he bowed his head, and it brought tears to his eyes. Why had Ross chosen Amanda as his conquest, and why had she had to die?
Jackson cleared the emotion from his throat. “Bless us, Lord, and the gifts we are about to receive from Thy bounty. We’re grateful for our growing herd, for the generous harvest, and for all Your many mercies, including Caroline. Amen.”
“Amen,” Noah seconded heartily. “That was a good prayer, Papa.”
Jackson looked across the table at Caroline, who was unusually focused on placing her napkin in her lap and doing so with moist eyes. In shielding himself from discomfort, he’d hurt her. Again. “I didn’t mean to sound as if your visit was an imposition. I hope you’ll stay.”
She blinked and searched his face as if sorting flattery from truth.
“Please, Aunt Caroline,” Noah said, with eyes as big as glass marbles.
“All right,” she replied with a small smile. “But just for a couple of days.”
Caroline changed the sheets on the Jewel’s bed and dressed both children warmly—not for a wagon ride, but so they could frolic in the snow. At least, she could make some memories for them before Jackson sent them away.
The wide grin Jewel gave her as she tied on the tot’s knitted wool hat was infectious.
“Do you know how to make a snowball?” Caroline asked.
Jewel shook her head.
“I’ll teach you, but you must promise not to throw them at the house or the animals.”
“Pwomise.”
“I can teach her, too,” Noah said, fastening the last button on his coat. “I make good snowballs.”
Caroline opened the back door, and they took off down the steps. “Careful. Watch out for ice.”
Noah stopped a few feet from the house and looked all around. “I didn’t know it was going to snow,” he said in a panic. “I should have brought the kittens in!”
“I’m sure they’re fine. When cold weather comes, the mother cat rounds them up and takes them someplace warm.”
He looked up at her with a glimmer of hope. “Like the barn?”
“Yes. Or under the house.”
“Oh.”
“Come on,” Caroline said, leading them to a clearing between the house and the paddock where the snow was clean and thick. She showed Jewel how to pack the snow tight and form it. Jewel did the best she could with her tiny mittened hands.
“I’ll make some for her,” Noah offered.
Several minutes later, a battle erupted. Lopsided orbs struck backs, chests, and shoulders, eliciting squeals and exploding into showers of white on impact. Jewel gave up and just danced around, giggling, but Noah proved a worthy opponent.
“Truce!” Caroline called as she ducked to keep from getting smacked in the face. “I’m out of ammunition.”
She and Noah formed more snowballs until they each had a generous stack, then they began throwing again.
Caroline got hit more often than not. Still, she laughed as she dodged the frigid projectiles, feinting this way and that.
Melted snow dripped into her collar and seeped through her skirts.
It would take hours sitting by the fire to dry out, but she didn’t care. She hadn’t had this much fun in years.
Not since before Jackson went to war.
Drawn by the sound of laughter in the distance, Jackson walked up from the pasture and leaned against the shady side of the barn. The sight of Caroline laughing and throwing snowballs brought a smile to his face. It was good to see her happy. Jewel and Noah, too.
This was the life he had wanted. Lying in his tent at night, he’d imagined scenes just like this one countless times. They kept him going, kept him sane. Kept him fighting to stay alive so he could come back home and marry the woman he loved.
He’d run and tell her that right now if he hadn’t ruined things between them.
Taking her as his wife would solve everything, and no one would naysay the union.
A widower, especially one with small children, was allowed to remarry almost immediately—was expected to, in fact—but the bride had to be willing.
Caroline couldn’t possibly want him after the way he had abandoned her, and he doubted he could overcome his shame if she did.
He’d crave her till his dying breath, but he’d squandered the chance to ever call her his.
Both Noah and Jewel fell asleep after lunch while playing on the rug in front of the fire.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Jackson said as he and Caroline sat, sipping tea over the remnants of the meal.
She feared that if she were truthful, he might regret asking, but she risked spoiling the mood and answered honestly. “I was recalling the first few months after the war and wondering if there was something I could have done to protect Amanda.”
His expression sobered, but he didn’t turn sour or look away.
“I sensed there was a slippery side to Ross’s charm,” she went on, “but I thought he was a harmless flirt. I should have paid closer attention. I let her down.”
“I did, too.”
“How?” By the time the army released Jackson to come home, the damage was done.
“I saw flaws in Ross’s character from an early age, but I kept making excuses, kept telling myself he’d grow out of it. My indifference didn’t only allow harm to come to your sister,” he said in a thick voice. “It affected us all. I ruined three lives.”
Caroline shook her head. “You didn’t ruin anything. He did.”
Saying it out loud eased her anger towards both men, but it also brought guilt to the surface.
Guilt so strong she had to look away. “I can’t blame Ross for my bitterness toward Amanda, though,” she admitted, listening to the crackles of the burning wood and wincing at tinges of remorse, as if she were close enough to feel the hot spit of sap.
“I should have been more forgiving and put my feelings aside. Instead, I allowed anger to come between me and my only sister.”
She met Jackson’s gaze, hoping he would see the contrition in her eyes. “I couldn’t bring myself to visit, to see the two of you together… I just couldn’t.”
“I understand. Amanda did, too.”
“But I could have written. I’ll carry that regret forever.”