Chapter 19 #3
Jewel toddled over to him and leaned into his chest. “Jewel miss Mama.”
Jackson scooped her into his arms. “I miss her, too.”
The sun came out after breakfast, and the air was cold but calm, so Caroline bundled the children up and took them outdoors.
Jackson waved at them on his way to do morning chores. He shook his head and chuckled at Ranger bouncing along behind them, ears flopping and tongue hanging out, completely undeterred by the snow. Maybe he’d make a good farm dog after all.
The animals had fared well in the barn, though they would grow tired of being stabled more and more over the next two months. “Give it another day or two,” he told them as he broke the layer of ice that had formed on the surface of the water troughs. “I’ll be able to turn you out.”
He fed them and went to the cow.
She lowed when he entered her stall, a deep, throaty sound, expressing her discomfort.
“I know,” he said as he poured her feed. “But I have to dry you off for spring.”
He prepared an extra-hearty portion and went to check on Jonah. The horse still shied at the feel of a saddle, but he’d come to accept a blanket. “If you’d quit being so stubborn and settle yourself down, I could put you in the barn.”
Jackson collected a bridle from the tack room that needed repair and took it back with him to the house. The place was empty, and the yard had been, too. He stood by the fire to warm himself then went back out to find Caroline.
A trail of footprints rayed off from a muddle of dirty trampled snow and went in the direction of the hill.
Jackson walked until he found them, but stopped several yards away.
All three were kneeling in various places around Amanda’s grave, scooping aside the snow with their hands.
He doubted they were playing—Caroline would never allow such foolishness on hallowed ground—so he watched from a distance and let them be.
Caroline pulled some sort of envelope from the pocket of her coat. She poured from it into the children’s cupped hands then she spoke to them, and they went back to working the earth.
Several minutes later, she cleaned all their hands with snow then stood and said what must have been a prayer. Noah and Jewel looked so reverent, standing with their arms at their sides and their heads bowed. Even Ranger sat quietly on his haunches next to the group.
It wasn’t until they started back down the hill that Caroline noticed him.
He smiled at her and winged his elbow as she neared.
She accepted his escort with a tentative expression. “We planted some seeds,” she said as she walked with him toward the house. “I hope you don’t mind.”
“It was our Christmas gift to Mama,” Noah piped up before he could respond. “Now she’ll have flowers every spring.”
“Bine,” Jewel blurted.
“We planted red columbine,” Caroline explained. “It was Amanda’s favorite flower.”
He’d seen it embroidered on the edges of the curtains, but he hadn’t paid it any mind. That he’d never made the effort to learn that about her bothered Jackson. He would have planted some for her if he’d known. “It’s an excellent gift.”
Noah’s entire face lit up. “Let’s have a snowball fight!”
“Not until you sit by the fire for a while and warm up,” Jackson said, making him frown.
“I’ll make us some hot chocolate,” Caroline offered as an enticement. “Then, once we’re warm, I’ll help you mold a whole mountain of snowballs.”
“All right,” Noah said, accepting his fate.
Caroline unwrapped a block of chocolate she’d brought from Greenvale. She grated it into a saucepan of water and cream and stirred until it was smooth. Then she finished it off with nutmeg, vanilla, and some sugar.
Noah stood at her elbow and sniffed. “That smells delicious.”
“Have you ever had it before?”
He shook his head.
“Go sit by the fire, and I’ll bring you some.”
She fixed a tray of cups—including one that was weakened with cream for Jewel—while Jackson took the blanket from his pallet that had been rolled and tucked in the corner and spread it out before the fire.
Caroline set the tray on the tea table and took her place on the floor.
“Be very careful not to spill,” she said as she handed Noah his cup. “Jewel, come sit by me.” Caroline held Jewel’s chocolate for her and helped her take a sip. “What do you think?” she asked. “Do you like it?”
Noah licked his lips and gave an exaggerated nod, while Jewel eyed her cup, her lips scrunched with indecision. She leaned in for another taste.
Jackson tested it and raised his brows. “I didn’t think I’d ever want chocolate again after the war, but this is different.”
Caroline’s stomach dropped right along with her face. So many soldiers she’d cared for considered the drink a source of comfort she never dreamed Jackson wouldn’t. “And here I thought I was doing something nice for you again.”
“You did. Now I don’t have to avoid it. I just have to flavor it with…”
“Vanilla and nutmeg.”
Noah tipped his cup up and drained it. “How long are you going to stay with us?”
Caroline wished she knew the answer to that question. “I’m not sure,” she hedged, taking a napkin from the tray and wiping away his chocolate mustache. “I suppose it will depend on the weather.”
She glanced at Jackson and saw an odd expression.
Her feelings hadn’t changed, and her host could be trusted—he’d slept on the pallet and hadn’t pressed her for more than that one kiss. But if she stayed, it wouldn’t be as Jackson’s housekeeper. It would be as Jackson’s wife.
Caroline collected the empty cups and set them on the tray. “I think we’ve warmed ourselves sufficiently. Let’s go make snowballs.”
Jackson went out and stood on the porch, drawn by squeals and laughter. His heart had nearly stopped when Caroline spoke as if she might leave. Noah had put her on the spot, which was likely the reason, but the look she gave him afterward carried a chill.
She trotted over to where he stood, grinning and out of breath. “Oh, to be young again.” Brushing the snow from her coat, she came up the steps and headed toward the door. “I need to make lunch.”
He grasped her sleeve and stopped her. “Are you really going to leave?”
She glanced down at his hand then looked him in the eye. “That’s up to you.”
Jackson released her and stared at her back as she went inside.
He wanted her in his life forever. He just needed to gather the courage to tell her so.
“They’re asleep already?” Caroline asked as he came down the stairs.
Jackson walked over and helped her unroll his pallet. “They were out before I finished reading the second page.”
“I won’t be far behind them. Do you need anything before I go?”
“As a matter of fact, I do.” He led her to the nearest chair and waited for her to sit. “I put this off because we’re both grieving, but I shouldn’t have. It was your sister’s final wish.”
Jackson got down on one knee at Caroline’s feet and—though time had altered them a little—spoke the words she should have heard years ago. “I’m not the same man I was, but my love for you has never wavered. I want you by my side for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?”
She smiled and nodded at him, moisture wetting her lashes and making them twinkle. “Yes.”
Jackson kissed her hand, then rose and helped her to her feet. “Are you willing to move to Nebraska and live as a farm wife? Because, if you’re not, I’ll sell it all and move back to town—back to Greenvale, if that’s what it takes.”
His question had her laughing through her tears. “I like it here. But even if I didn’t, I’d stay.”
“Good, because I never want to be without you again.”
He’d meant that with all his heart, but he wouldn’t compromise his honor to attain it.
“There’s something you should know before we’re wed.” Jackson guided Caroline’s hand and pressed her palm against the leg of his trousers, firmly enough that she could feel the crater in his thigh. “I’ve got scars. That’s the worst of them, but there are more.”
Her brow dipped in a look of disbelief. “Did you think that would turn me away? No, Jackson. The only scars that grieve me are the ones in here,” she said as she touched his forehead, then lowered her hand and laid it over his heart, “and here.”
He covered her hand with his, overwhelmed by relief and filled with gratitude. Amanda had been a kind and loving partner, but Caroline saw beneath his stoical facade.
She knew him.
Caroline took his face in her hands and touched her lips to his in the sweetest of kisses. “I never stopped loving you, and I never will.”
Jackson hoped her declaration was true, because it was about to be tested.
He rested his forehead against hers and mustered the courage to tell her why he hadn’t explained his reasons all those years ago.
He should look her in the eye—she deserved that much and more—but the shame of his affliction was too great.
“I heard you crying in the garden that evening. I wanted to go to you and tell you why I chose Amanda, but a bout of Soldier’s Heart overtook me, and I couldn’t move. ”
She pulled away and searched his eyes, a deep crease forming between hers.
“It happened again the day of the wedding,” he went on, fighting the urge to look away, “which left me reluctant to seek you out, lest that itself bring on another bout.”
Caroline had the look of someone putting pieces together. “When I came upon you by the fence, and you told me to go away...”
Jackson nodded. “The affliction has waned with time, but an occasional spell still besets me.”
Fresh tears welled in her eyes.
“I’ll understand if you don’t want to be yoked to a man like me,” he said, the words painful to utter, even though he meant them.
“I’m not crying because I’ve changed my mind. I’m crying because I was so dreadfully self-centered. I knew you weren’t the kind of man to do something like that without justification, yet I didn’t give you a chance to explain. I’m so sorry, Jackson. So very, very sorry.”
She cradled his face and kissed his forehead then his cheeks, the trails of her tears wetting his skin. “Forgive me for not seeing how much you were hurting,” she whispered against his lips.
He wrapped her in his arms and hugged her close. “You would’ve if you’d had more time.”
Jackson thumbed the moisture from her cheeks then pulled the box from his pocket that contained a family ring he’d been saving, a thin gold band crowned with a cluster of diamonds and pearls.
Caroline took the box from him and examined the ring. “It’s beautiful.”
“It was my grandmother’s.”
“Did Amanda wear it?” she asked without a hint of spite, only curiosity.
“No. I bought one for her. It’s among her things. The only finger I could ever imagine this ring on is yours.”