Chapter 21 #2
“Nieve?” Max’s hand touches my arm, and I start, automatically moving into a smile. “You don’t have to—”
“I…” My heart feels like it’s in my throat as I try to get out the words to explain why the water looks like it has teeth.
“No backing out now, Nieve!” Carter jokes.
“You don’t have to do it,” Max tells me.
And I want to believe him, but I look at Linden, whose expression is still tense with worry. Max is wrong. I need to do this. I need to show Linden I’m the same.
I pull off my shirt.
“Attagirl!” Carter looks proud, and on reflex, I feel my heart grow in size.
I pull off my sweatpants, my hands shaking.
“Ready?” Carter is practically shouting.
Max’s hand rests on my arm. “Nieve.”
But I want to do this. I want to be the girl who smiles at Max and watches him sleep and laughs at movies about finding dads.
I want to be the girl who stops remembering things that never happened, because I want to remember this instead. Remember Max.
“One!” Carter starts to count down.
And I don’t have time to really consider what I’ve just thought.
“Two!”
Max is still holding on to me, concern all over his dark features. I shrug out of his hand and look at the water. My heart pounds erratically in my chest.
“Three!”
We jump.
For a brief second, I’m floating above the water, and I know I’ve made the right choice. Everything feels exciting, and I feel free—
Until the cold water hits me and seizes my lungs in my chest. My body moves on instinct, pushing toward the surface that I just fell through.
Except I can’t find it.
It’s gone. I can’t find the surface and I’m going to drown. My eyes open and I can’t see anything. There is no light and I can’t find—
There are hands on me, yanking my arm sideways. Pulling and pushing and wrapping around me.
I break free of the water.
The dock underneath me feels rough against my palms as I pull myself onto it and roll over. Heavy air pulls into my lungs as water sputters from my lips. I think I’m crying, but I can’t tell, since everything is already wet.
“What the fuck was that?”
I open my eyes to see Linden kneeling next to me. Her face is a mixture of shock and anger.
My mouth opens, but instead of an explanation, I sob.
Carter is out of the water and looking at me. His face is still damp from the water, but he’s very much alive, and I can feel my heart relax.
“I didn’t know you couldn’t swim,” Carter says. “Why did you jump in if you can’t swim?”
“She can swim.” Linden’s face is all hard lines.
“I’m sorry.” My words are wet, and I can’t tell if it’s from crying or the water.
Max is standing, taking deep breaths as he pushes his hands in his hair.
“Hey,” Carter says, hushing me. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
No. You’re okay, I want to tell him. That’s what matters.
“Can you walk?” Benji asks.
I nod, but when I push myself up to stand, my whole body is shaking.
Max picks me up without a word. The movement is so sudden I feel the air rush from my lungs. I sit in the cradle of his arms as he carries me back to the house. I can’t tell if Max is also shaking or if it’s just me. Inside, he deposits me by the fire, and Linden tells me she’s going to make tea.
I hear her in the other room whispering to Grandee. “I think she freaked out. Maybe she hit something? Or had some kind of seizure?”
Grandee makes a noise like she’s listening.
“I’m worried. She’s been weird since school started.”
“She’s fine.” Grandee’s voice is strong and confident, things I am absolutely not.
Being in the water … it felt like losing Carter again. I press a fist to my heart and try to mitigate the pain I feel there.
Carter comes in the room looking embarrassed and carrying a mug of tea Linden had given him. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t know.”
“No.” I clear my throat and take the tea from him. “It’s not your fault.”
It’s my fault. The panic. The fear. I should have known.
“Are you okay?”
Even thinking about answering his question makes my tongue feel thick in my throat. But I don’t have to because a second later, Grandee comes into the room.
“You need something extra.” She pours Max a finger of whiskey into a crystal highball glass. “Here. It’s medicinal.”
He takes it from her, and for the first time, I notice his hands shaking.
Carter and Grandee leave me alone with Max, and the only sound is from the fire that crackles next to us.
He takes a deep breath, and it feels like a lifetime ago we were here alone. We sit in silence until Max pours himself another drink.
When it’s gone, I say, “I can swim.”
He looks at me. “Okay.”
I force a laugh from my chest. “No, really. I swear I can. It’s so embarrassing.”
Max doesn’t respond.
“Was it that bad?” It was meant like a joke, but it comes out serious.
He clears his throat. Opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it. His finger traces the seam at the edge of the arm of the couch. The purple yarn is still tied around his wrist. “No, it’s not you. I haven’t been sleeping well.”
I wait.
“Nightmares.” He runs a hand down his face. “I know it sounds ridiculous—”
“No.” I cut him off because I don’t want anyone to ever feel that way. “I have bad dreams, too.”
And good ones that feel like they should be bad.
He looks at me like he’s trying to figure out if I’m making fun of him, but he must decide that I’m not. I watch his hand unfurl. The hand that has the yarn tied to it.
I reach out and lace my cold fingers through his. It’s a quiet move. A slow one. One just for me and him.
He nods at me.
And for the first time, I feel like Max Emerson might understand me.