Chapter 27
Two days later, Doc explains our assignment to us. It’s simple, really—two portraits that we draw, and then we trade so the other person can add to it. And we repeat that process over and over, until Doc says we’re done.
Which is fine. Totally fine. Except that Max and I have to sit for our portraits. Just him and me … for hours. Staring at each other.
So instead of getting it out of the way, I avoid Max.
I decide to stop going to art history altogether.
Linden only asks me a few times if I’m sure I want to drop a class. “Grandee is going to hear about it.”
“It’s fine” is all I can say. I can’t seem to care about the consequences when I don’t even know what they will be.
My breaking point is when Carter tells us about his plan to camp at the river on the last day of school.
“We should do it.” He says it with so much excitement, like it’s never occurred to him to fear anything. And it probably hasn’t. “We could all camp out and spend the night listening to the river.”
With a sigh, I stand and walk away, but not before I hear them whispering, “You know she’s afraid of water.”
I’m not afraid of water. I’m afraid of Carter dying and all of this being for nothing.
My attitude shifts from scared to angry.
I’m angry that I don’t know what’s going to happen.
I’m angry that no matter what I do, I can’t control anything.
If time suddenly decides this isn’t what it wants, it doesn’t matter what I want—everything changes.
Linden is worried about me. Everyone seems to be, except for Benji, who commandeers me for nights out at the Cattle Club.
Three days before Valentine’s Day, I kiss a boy. He flirts with me and offers to buy me a drink, and for a brief moment, I pretend my life is simple and that I can kiss whoever I want. That kissing him is a normal thing. A tiny ripple.
Secretly, I wonder if I can erase the memory of Max from my lips, but I spend the entire kiss comparing it to New Year’s.
When I wake up, I make my usual calls with my heart in my throat. Expecting something to change. But everything is the same. Grandee is still grouchy, Linden is still wary, and my mom is still cheerful and encouraging.
I kiss another boy, and a third, but everything stays exactly as it was. And no memories fade.
The Valentine’s Day party is held on the roof of the Cattle Club. Linden doesn’t even ask if I want to go. Just hands me a dress and tells me to put it on.
We get ready in our dorm. I with too much eye makeup and she with too much perfume. She looks at me and presses her lips into a thin line. “You look stunning. Stop kissing gross first-year theater majors.”
I laugh. But it’s a sad, hollow sound. I couldn’t even point out the people I’ve kissed. None of them taste like Max.
The roof of the Cattle Club has been transformed. The outdoor space is covered in hearts and quotes about dying for love. But inside the large greenhouse, everything has been cleared out and is decorated in reds and blacks that look more fitting for Halloween than a day celebrating love.
And the music is so loud that the windows seem to shake with the sound.
And instantly I feel like it’s a place I can get lost.
Benji runs over and hands me a bracelet for people who are already twenty-one. “You’re drinking?” Linden asks me.
“Maybe.”
She spots Carter a second later at the edge of the bar. And next to him is Max. Who is talking to Ayra. She looks beautiful in a red dress and gold jewelry.
My maybe has turned to an absolutely.
I keep drinking and dancing and avoiding. Someone named Kai flirts with me. I flirt back, hoping Max will see and get jealous. Maybe even walk me home.
But Max doesn’t leave his spot next to the windows. Even after Ayra ends up on the dance floor.
I decide to kiss Kai, but right before, I ask, “You’re not a theater major, are you?”
“Yeah,” Kai says, confused. “Why?”
I let out a deep breath. I can’t even kiss a stranger right.
And Max is just standing there, laughing at something Benji says to him. My feet are moving before I can think about what I’m even going to say to him.
“Are you avoiding me?”
Max’s eyes move to me slowly; they narrow slightly as if he cannot believe what I’ve just asked. “Am I avoiding you?”
Benji lets out a heavy breath. “I’m going to avoid this conversation.”
We don’t bother to look at Benji as he walks away.
Max steps backward as if I’ve been crowding his space and takes a steadying breath. “Nieve. I called you five times this week. I’m not avoiding you.”
“I meant tonight.”
He shakes his head once. “I can take a hint.”
I wonder if I’m imagining the sadness there at the corner of his eyes. Is it for me? Or for his art project?
I clear my throat. “Well, it’d be pretty difficult to avoid you if you’re avoiding me.”
A laugh escapes him, and I struggle to figure out what I’ve said that was funny. “How many of those have you had?” He points to the drink in my hands.
Honestly, I have no idea. “I think this is my first.”
His eyebrows go up. “First? That’s weird because I saw you at the bar at least three times.”
He was watching me. My stomach turns and tightens.
His face grows serious. “Why are you avoiding me?”
Somehow, we’ve gotten closer, like two magnets that inch together uncontrollably. I take a step back. “I don’t want to go to the showcase.”
He frowns. “It’s mandatory. We’ve already been over this.”
“Still doesn’t mean I want to go.”
“So, this is a protest?” I feel his breath on my skin.
“Maybe.”
Max looks into my eyes for so long I worry he’s going to find all the truths that I’m trying to bury. He lets out a soft breath and says, “Okay.” It’s barely audible over the music.
“Okay?”
“I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to do, Nieve. I’ll stop asking.”
He means it. I can tell by the way his face scrunches up, like it pains him. He’s willing to give up the thing he wants because he thinks I don’t want it.
“Why are you so nice?”
Max looks at me, his head tilting to the side, almost startled. “What did you say?”
But I don’t repeat it, because now I’m thinking about the last time I asked him this.
On the balcony. At Carter’s New Year’s party.
“Max.” I whisper it.
But this time, he doesn’t tell me to kiss him.
The lights are low and cast a red haze against his skin, and the music is so loud I feel it in my chest, and we are so close I can smell his cologne … so I do it anyway.
I kiss Max.
His lip balm is minty, and I feel the surprise caught in his chest. But I don’t think about anything other than his body touching mine.
My hand comes up and wraps around his waist …
The world tilts and sways in bright colors … and …
I get lost in a kaleidoscope of moving moments, but then Max’s hands are on my shoulders, and he’s gently pushing me away.
His eyes are kind when I meet them and his voice is soft when he speaks, but I can’t hear anything he’s saying.
Because Max Emerson doesn’t want to kiss me.