Chapter 4 #2
So if Fraser didn’t feel it, then it was Tobin’s burden to bear alone, and that was a good thing. He didn’t want Fraser to suffer. He didn’t want Fraser to hurt like he was hurting.
Or, what if Fraser didn’t want to bond with him?
What if Tobin did want this bond, and Fraser rejected him?
Pain sluiced through Tobin’s chest and almost buckled his knees. Thankfully his grip on the steering wheel kept him on his feet, but his three Norwegian guests were watching him rub his chest and suck in air.
They looked worried, and rightly so.
“I’m okay,” Tobin said with a strained laugh, because he very clearly was not okay.
“Do you need to stop?” Marten asked.
“No, I need to get back,” he said. And strangely enough, once he’d said that, once he’d made up his mind, the squeeze on his hearts eased up a little. “I need to see... someone.”
“Your doctor, perhaps,” Lukas said. He looked the younger of the three. More Hendrix and Dylan’s age than Tobin’s or Fray’s. “Are you sure everything is good in Tenebrae Cove? Should we be concerned about what we will be walking into?”
Tobin shook his head. “It’s not.... It’s not like that. I, uh...” Fuck. “Sorry. I’ll be fine once we get back.” And he would be—he was sure of it. Even being closer to wherever Fray was had to help.
Marten studied him much the same way Kellan did. “Tell me, Tobin,” he said, “do you have a mate?”
Tobin’s knees almost gave out on him again, his knuckles white where he gripped the wheel for dear life. “Ugh, please don’t,” he mumbled, needing to push his hand against his sternum. “Don’t say that word.... Fuck.”
Arvid and Lukas seemed surprised, but Marten didn’t. In fact, he kind of looked pleased that he’d guessed correctly. “And you left your mate to come get us?”
Tobin laughed, and it didn’t sound entirely sane. He put a hand to his forehead, but he had to admit, even confessing as little as he had felt much like releasing a pressure cooker, just a fraction. Then he looked at Aurin, who was watching him, concerned. “Can you drive?”
“Of course.” Aurin quickly stepped behind the wheel, and then Tobin needed to sit. He needed to catch his breath. He needed this trip to be over. He needed...
Fray. He needed Fray.
“He’s not my mate,” Tobin said, answering Marten’s question. Then he groaned. “The bond hasn’t been completed.”
Marten’s eyes narrowed. “You came to pick us up, leaving your bond incomplete? Surely there was someone else—”
“I’m not... I’m not completing the bond,” he said, having to force the air out as words. It felt like he was extracting those words from his very soul. “Ugh, fucking hell.”
Marten got to his feet, the look on his face one of outrage and indignation. “You’re refusing the bond?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Tobin hissed through the pain. “I can’t talk about it. It fucking hurts so bad.”
Marten shook his head as if he had never imagined such a preposterous thing. “I... I cannot believe... you intend to refuse the bond?”
Tobin put his hand up, urging him to stop. “Please. I can’t...” He groaned. “I can’t talk about it. Please just... stop.”
He needed to get home.
He needed to see Fraser.
He’d deal with breaking the bond later. Right now, he just needed to get back to Tenebrae. It was all he could focus on.
Fraser, Fraser, Fraser...
Marten slowly sat back down, and Tobin ignored their hushed conversation. He couldn’t understand Norwegian, and it was probably just as well it wasn’t in English because he could tune them out and focus on breathing.
And Tenebrae couldn’t come fast enough.
Tobin knew this coastline and these waters like the back of his hand. He knew, as they entered the first inlet, the swells would subside and the mist would roll in. He knew the clouds would descend and the sounds of the outside world would fall away.
Tenebrae had a quietness to it, a stillness, that humans found unnerving.
Well, all humans except Sawyer, that was. But other humans couldn’t leave fast enough.
That quietness and stillness settled over Tobin as he came into the Cove, as it always did. That feeling of coming home. Of being where he belonged. And he might have noticed the way the three Norwegian men all stood and smiled if he wasn’t concentrating on breathing as they pulled up at the jetty.
And if he wasn’t trying to spot Fraser in the crowd awaiting their arrival, watching them as if it was common for Aurin to be driving and not him, as if his consortium didn’t know something was wrong before they’d even stopped.
He saw Ciaran and Sawyer, Kellan and Otis, and Hendrix and Dylan, and...
No Fraser.
Panic crept along Tobin’s veins, cold and spidery. He’d been so set on avoiding Fraser, it hadn’t even occurred to Tobin that the one thing worse than seeing Fray would be not seeing him.
He was sure Fray was here. He could feel it. He could feel him. Tobin was certain that feeling of home, of peace, wasn’t just Tenebrae.
It was Fraser too.
Then he appeared, coming from his place, walking toward the others, and Tobin’s hearts thundered and sang, his blood ran hot, and sweet heavens, it was too much, too beautiful and so overwhelming, he could have wept.
Tobin was sure if Fray looked at him in that moment, he’d have given in. He’d take the chance, and he’d stop fighting this one-man war. He’d go to him and cradle his face. He’d touch him and say he was sorry, and he’d beg—
But Fray never looked at him. Not once.
Ciaran put his hand on Fray’s shoulder, and Tobin bit back the growl he felt bubble in his core. Ciaran’s gaze darted to Tobin’s as if he knew, and the look of pain, of sorrow and regret from his leader hurt Tobin almost as much.
Tobin was so fucking torn.
He could barely breathe. He could barely stand. Tears burned in his eyes, his hearts ached, and he needed to shift. He needed to go freeform and sink to the bottom of the ocean, where sunshine couldn’t reach, to wallow in the unbearable weight.
Into the oblivion.
As the three newcomers were welcomed and hands were shook, Kellan took pity on Tobin. He came onto the boat and placed his hand on Tobin’s elbow. “Come on. You look like hell.”
Tobin almost sobbed.
He couldn’t fucking stand it.
Then he was on the jetty and trying not to look at Fraser, he was so focused on Sawyer watching him with eyes full of pity. But then Fraser laughed, which of course made Tobin look over, and...
Marten had his hand on Fraser’s shoulder. A cousin greeting, but still...
A snarl ripped out of Tobin, so raw and brutal that everyone stopped and stared.
“Fraser!” Tobin cried. He didn’t mean to yell, but he couldn’t control it. He couldn’t control anything. Not anymore. He had nothing left to fight with.
At least Marten had the good sense to remove his hand from Fraser’s arm, obviously clocking just who Tobin’s mate was.
Fraser looked at him then, their eyes finally meeting, and Tobin felt the discernible snap in his chest, the feel of his soul cracking wide open and his hearts beating, bleeding.
... He was weak, and his legs couldn’t hold him.
He truly had nothing left. His knees finally went out on him, and Kellan caught Tobin’s elbow, but before he could hit the ground, strong arms went around him, catching him, holding him.
“Hey, I got you,” the sweetest voice in the world said.
Strong arms and a familiar scent, and Tobin was home. He was finally safe after being adrift and tormented for what felt like an eternity. Tobin was finally, finally, home.
And then his world went dark.