Chapter Twenty-Four Madison #2
“I’m . . . something.” There’s a long pause. “I’ve got a lot on my mind. That’s usually when I want one. When I can’t sleep, have a lot on my mind, or . . .”
Or.
Turned on is what he doesn’t say, and what I won’t voice. Because if I do, I’ll say it while straddling him.
I turn onto my side, facing him. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”
His face angles my way and I wish the light was on. I wish I could see the lopsided grin I know he’s giving me. “Better yet, tell me about Caden.”
Is it my imagination or did James all but spit his name?
“Ugh. Caden is a nobody that I met in class and slept with on the weekends.”
“Try again.”
“Caden is an idiot.”
“Closer.”
I breathe in and let it out. “Caden . . . hurt me.”
James stiffens. “What did he do to you?”
“He hurt my feelings, I should say. So don’t go end his life.”
“You say that like hurting your feelings is not still a murder-able offense.”
I chuckle and James’s hand brushes mine, resting above our pillows.
His fingers shift to lightly grasp a lock of my hair.
“Remember when I told you I was lonely here? That I realized I wanted someone who didn’t just want to have sex with me but wanted to spend time with me too?
Well . . . I hoped Caden would be that person. ”
“Did you ask him?” His touch is still gentle against my hair, delicately running it back and forth between his fingers.
“Yes. One night after we—well . . . you know—I was getting ready to leave his place, and I asked him if he would want to date me for real. Be something. Outside of the bedroom.” I cringe thinking back to that raw moment.
“I really laid it all out on the line like I was in a rom-com movie, and it was my grand gesture moment. I was cute and witty and listed out all the ways I’m fun to be around. And he said . . .”
“What did he say?” James asks so quietly it’s almost like he’s scared to hear the answer too.
“He said I was cute and really great in bed . . . but that he was looking for someone he could take home to his parents. Someone put together and professional. He said he didn’t think I was that kind of woman—and even worse, said it with a laugh like I should be in on the joke with him.”
“Shit. And what did you say?”
“Nothing. I just stood there like an idiot and laughed along because it hurt so bad, but I wasn’t sure why—he didn’t say anything that was untrue or that I hadn’t thought about myself before.
” I pause, jolted back to feeling disgusted by Caden’s smile for the first time.
“So then he gave me a kiss, and a pat on the ass, and said he’s always down to fuck though. ” So vulgar.
I’d never once felt cheap in all my days of hooking up with guys, but I felt cheap and used and discarded in that moment. I’ve been carrying that feeling around ever since.
“Madison . . .”
“No. It’s okay. I don’t need you to say anything about it. But honestly, that was how my entire experience was here. Lonely. Belittling. And suffocating.”
No sooner than the words finish leaving my mouth do we suddenly hear Bryce’s door slam shut, followed by her giggle and the low hum of a man’s voice.
“Oh and there’s that,” I say, less than thrilled by what I know comes next.
I guess Bryce wasn’t alone in that shower like I assumed.
James is going to say something but cuts off when he’s suddenly treated to the groans and grunts of the Caveman. “Oh god,” he whispers, horror drenching his voice. “You weren’t kidding about them.”
“It’s gonna get worse too.”
“How could it—” He cuts off because sounds that humans don’t usually make begin filtering through the room. James and I lie here in tense silence for a minute as the violent thud of Bryce’s headboard bounces against the wall.
James covers his ears, but I know that’s not doing much to muffle the sound. “This is the furthest thing from sexy I could ever experience.”
“It’s bad. It’s real bad,” I say, making us both laugh.
And that laugh tumbles into another one, and before I know it we’re both shoving our faces into our pillows to stifle not screams of ecstasy but rolling, belly-aching laughter.
And this, I realize, is the first time I’ve ever lain in bed with a man and laughed.
It’s wonderful.
Finally, Bryce and Caveman climax and things quiet down, along with our laughter.
“There. Finally, it’s done,” James says on a relieved sigh.
“Oh, James . . . sweet, na?ve James.”
“It’s not done?” he asks with dread.
“It’s only begun.”
With a groan, James swings his legs over the side of the bed, rounds the bed to my side, and holds out his hand. “Come on.”
“Where are we going?” I ask, sliding my hand easily into his and standing.
“Somewhere we can breathe.”
“How have I never thought to come up here before?” I ask after James opens the door leading to the roof and I step through. The rain has finally stopped, and it’s turned into a beautiful night. Humid, but beautiful.
I don’t think we’re supposed to be up here (which gives me a jolt of delight), but also there’s no one around to actually care either. This isn’t the kind of apartment building that comes with security and a doorman.
“I’m surprised you didn’t either. I would have thought the DO NOT ENTER sign would have been a flashing green light for you.”
I laugh and follow him to a dryish spot on the ground, where he spreads out the comforter we snagged from the bed and drops the two pillows on top next.
We settle onto the blanket and James immediately lies back against the pillow, arm above his head again, eyes closed.
Cowboy sleeping pose. He just needs a campfire and a horse.
I’m not ready to lie down yet. I’m full of restless energy that I don’t know what to do with. After pulling my knees up to my chest, I tug my loose shirt over them.
“Hey.” I nudge his shoulder. “Today was fun. Thank you.”
He peeks an eye open. “Fun enough to stay?”
I pause, take in a big breath, and look around. The question deserves thought and I know he won’t accept anything less. “Fun enough to replace some of the bad memories.” I pause. “But I want to be home. I want my life to be in Rome.”
His eye closes again, but a smile opens. “Fair enough.”
And then I go out on the scariest limb I’ve ever balanced on.
“Besides . . . you wouldn’t be here if I stayed.
” Both of his eyes open now and find mine.
“And I have a hypothesis that tonight was so much fun because you were with me.” I let the silence stretch for half a second before I chicken out. “My best friend.”
He stares at me and then stares some more. I don’t know what he’s staring at, what he’s seeing. Everything, maybe. Finally, he reaches out and gently wraps his fingers around my forearm, tugging me down so I break out of my T-shirt cocoon and lay my head on the pillow beside his.
“He was wrong, you know . . .”
I know exactly who he’s talking about. “Caden? I’m not so sure. I think he might have been more correct than I’d like to admit. I haven’t been ‘bring home to Mom’ material. But I’m trying to be now.”
“You’re too quick to believe the negative about yourself. It’s not true. And you don’t need to change a damn thing.”
“Oh come on, James. You’ve known me my entire life. You’ve seen all the mess-ups. You’re the one who helped Noah drag my ass out of jail that night I went skinny-dipping in college!”
“Who cares? You were a kid. You were living. And you’re forgetting all the amazing stuff you’ve accomplished too. No, don’t give me that look.”
“Excuse me if I don’t believe the hot air you’re blowing at me. My track record is full of more failure than success.”
“You really don’t see it, do you?”
I frown at him.
“Madison, other people lean into the one thing they are good at and stick to it because it’s the surest way to success. Take me, for example. . . . I was raised to be a farmer, and I’m good at it, so I never quit. I just kept going with the path that was laid out for me.”
“And now you own an entire farm!”
His brown eyes slam into mine. “But at what cost?”
“James . . .”
“But you have always been brave enough to throw yourself into whatever it is you love. Even if you’re not naturally good at it.
If it inspires you, excites you, you try it.
You have more instances of ‘failure’ on your list because you are resilient and you’re not afraid to live—and you’ll likely never know just how inspiring I find you. ”
How does he do that? How does he so easily manage to make me feel ten feet tall with pride? And it means even more to me knowing he’s not searching for the right line that’s going to get me to sleep with him. I get the sense he’s saying what’s on his mind.
This good, kind man finds me inspiring.
And I suddenly wonder if anyone has ever given him the chance to bet on himself like he’s betting on me.
“James . . . have you ever thought about moving here to New York or someplace else and starting over?”
He closes his eyes again. “Yes. But only once in my life.”
“When Noah was here?”
“No.”
And that’s all he says about it.
I eventually lie down beside him and curl my knees up again, pressing lightly into James’s side for warmth. It’s not cold out here, but my bare legs are chilly. Without hesitation, James’s hand moves to my outer thigh and he rubs up and down it, generating heat. So much heat.
I’m delirious from staying awake all night and drunk off James’s smile and the quiet honesty that’s unfolded between us over this trip.
Which is why I’m staring openly at the side of his face.
Studying the slope of his nose and the angle of his jaw.
The scruff and the light curl of his lashes. And his mouth, full and mesmerizing.
I lay my face on my hands. “So, you’re not scared of what will happen if I fail and take your restaurant down with me?”
James’s head lolls again in my direction and his hand stills, flexed against my leg. “To be completely honest, Madison, I’m only scared of what will happen when you succeed.”
That is the absolute best thing anyone has ever said to me.
Feeling satisfied in a completely new way, I turn over onto my back and look up at the sky.
And would you look at that. Here in the heart of the place that nearly broke me, I finally see a sky full of stars.