ALEX #5
There was only one moment when I tried, saying something about us both needing each other. What I got in return was that I simply needed to get a life and stop grieving, since it had no point in Jared’s eyes.
"He’s not coming back, Alex," he said almost coldly, and walked out of the room.
But I knew it could have taken a different turn if I had been willing to listen more carefully to what he tried to tell me about his own feelings, but I guess I was just bad at being stable for him. And he could not feel safe on the shaky, depressing ground he found in my house.
Now, I am already dozing off when I hear the door downstairs open and the entrance panel beep.
I drag myself out of bed and step into the living room.
Jared smells like cigarettes and alpha’s cum, the downside of having an omega nose… We smell everything, sometimes things we definitely do not want to.
His eyes are shadowed and he is still a bit drunk.
"Jared, it’s one in the morning."
"Don’t start with lectures, Alex, I came to tell you that I’m moving out in the next few days."
I stop cold.
"Jared, what are you talking about, this is a really stupid idea."
He avoids my eyes, walks to the fridge, takes a sip of juice and says over his shoulder,
"I met some people, I have a chance at a modeling career, I’ll give them my ass and they’ll give me gigs."
"What? For heaven's sake! Who are these people, they sound like pimps, that doesn’t seem safe, Jared! You’re seventeen, you shouldn’t make impulsive decisions, at this age it’s hard to see what will work out in the long term."
"That’s not true, Alex, people make binding decisions at exactly this age when they choose college majors, right?
Most already know what they want to do with their lives," he shoots back, turning toward me and folding his arms across his chest, the smell of alcohol and alpha fluids clinging to him, those men must have already taken a free sample of Jared.
I close my eyes for a moment.
"I was attacked today, Jared," I say.
Why do I even say it, what could he possibly care, and yet I see some small shift appear on his face.
"What do you mean, what happened?" he asks in a slightly more uncertain tone.
"The Tanners were waiting for me in the park."
Jared goes a little pale.
"Wh-wh-what do you mean?" he stutters, "I thought they gave up a long time ago."
"They gave up on you, but they still hold a grudge against me."
He stares at me, his face a mix of guilt, fear and defensiveness.
"You think it’s my fault?"
"No, please, there you go, straight to defensive, Jared. No! What I mean is only that I barely escape, some guy shows up and beats them up."
A huge wave of relief washes over Jared’s face.
"Oh good, phew… Just please, don’t wander through the park alone."
"It’s not that easy. The campus sprawls over a huge area, surrounded by forest. The administration makes it their top priority to turn the grounds into a green oasis, full of small groves and thickets, but campus security doesn’t have much patience for me anymore."
"Then try not to go places alone, walk with other students," Jared mutters and looks away.
"Jared, please. It’s not that simple…"
"So what do you want me to say? That you should move out, sell the house, change campuses? You don’t want to go through the… rape. And if they come back, you might not have some rando there to help. Consider leaving, these guys are bad news…"
Selling the house makes me shiver. It’s Bay’s gift! The embodiment of his generosity and the way he cared about me…
I press my hands to my eyes.
"Jared, just… I’m begging you, do this for me, stay with me until the end of the school year, finish high school, at least give me that. Okay? Please!"
He gives me a quick look, hesitates, silent, shifting from foot to foot. I can see he is thinking hard about something.
He’s frowning hard and biting his lips, then finally sighs, "All right, I’ll stay until the end of the school year."
I feel a wave of relief wash over me.
"But I don’t want you giving me lectures if I come home late!"
"I’m just asking you not to do anything reckless, nothing that might affect your future. There are diseases; you can catch something that will stay with you your whole life, or you can become a victim of predators…"
Jared stays silent, staring at his hands and turning the rings on his fingers.
I force myself to make my voice softer. "I have a question for you. The Tanners said something that caught my attention. They mentioned they had some plans for you. Do you know what they could have meant?"
Jared presses his lips together, then speaks with visible reluctance.
"They wanted to record short clips with me, you know, while they were fucking me, but I didn’t want to."
"Whoa! You did the right thing, it isn’t safe, and stuff like that stays online forever."
"Oh, c’mon, I ran away, didn’t I? Do you think this is the life I would choose?
" he suddenly bursts out, his lips trembling.
"You know what I really want?" His voice shakes.
"I want a family someday, a bunch of kids and an amazing husband who would have eyes only for me, and I would be only for him! "
He turns fully toward me and throws his arms out in a dramatic gesture.
"Yes, that’s what I want the most, but I look the way I look, every alpha on the street turns to stare, I get hit on constantly, people always want something from me, they offer me money, they offer me career opportunities, and I don’t know how to find the one person who’s actually meant for me. "
I close my eyes. "Maybe that takes some patience, Jared, maybe it won’t show up right away, but someday it will.
Just don’t destroy that future with risky choices you make now, because some things can’t be undone.
If you fall in with the wrong people you may not be able to break away, and then that future you dream about will never happen. They will poison you, destroy you."
Jared’s eyes look a little wet. He sniffs and speaks quietly.
"You know, on a conscious level I agree with everything you’re saying, but you don’t know what it’s like to be me, you don’t know how hard some things are for me. Since… what happened to me, I changed, I hate myself sometimes, I’m disgusted by myself!"
Is this the moment when I finally have a chance to say something uplifting? Is he more open to it now?
I take a sudden step and pull him into a hug, even though I feel him flinch a little.
"Don’t. Don’t you ever say that. You don’t let them take anything from you. You are beautiful and worthy, and you will be loved someday, Jared, I’m sure of it. Please don’t give up on yourself. Don’t devalue yourself!"
He goes quiet, and I don’t want to push him with too much closeness, so I step back a little and meet his eyes.
Jared just looks sad. And kinda resigned.
And then I make the mistake of talking about myself again.
"Believe me, I know what it means to deal with hard things, I lost everything—"
He snorts and turns away.
"You didn’t lose everything, Alex. Bay is still supporting you, you have great grades in college, they already hire you to help the teachers, and you know that if something truly serious happened, Bay and his family would help you.
Because he definitely still loves you, that kind of love never disappears completely. "
Silence falls.
In a way he’s right. But that’s what makes it doubly tragic. I didn’t just lose a boyfriend, I lost someone truly wonderful and unique, someone who even after leaving still gives me a safety net. Which is not something Jared can say about his situation.
He has nobody except me, which isn’t much, since I’m like a ghost most of the time.
I press my lips together and lower my head, tears rising.
Jared sighs. The brief moment of openness he had shown is closing again; I messed it up.
"Anyway, like I said, I’m not stupid. I know this isn’t forever; this isn’t ideal. I don’t want this life, but if I have to fuck a few rich old pricks to get some gigs, I will. I also know there are even worse paths. I’ve made up my mind, Alex."
I stay silent, tears sliding down my cheeks, crushed by his decision, hit twice over.
Jared steps toward me. His slim hand brushes my arm gently, and there is a softness in his voice as he says, "I’m sorry you were attacked. I only brought you trouble. I’ll do what you asked," he says, pain in his voice. "I’ll wait until the end of the year. I’ll try to graduate."
This at least pulls me out of that heaviness a bit. "Thank you for that, I really appreciate it," I whisper, stepping toward him again, hugging him one more time, which always feels strange. I never touch people.
We stand like that for a moment. He seems uncomfortable about it too. We probably look ridiculous, he is much taller than me. Jared has grown to almost six feet, which makes him unusually tall for an omega, and he is gifted with this almost striking beauty.
I can’t really blame him for wanting to capitalize on it, but on the other hand, I know that beauty like his can attract bad people, the worst kinds. I want to protect him from that, but do I even know how to protect myself from bad things?
As today proved, it is not so easy.
◆◆◆
The attack didn’t just pass and leave nothing behind. In a surge of paranoia, I decide to replace the doors with something much heavier, break-in-resistant, solidly reinforced with metal bolts. I install roll-down security shutters.
The next few weeks pass in a state of constant rumination about that incident, a restless whirl of thoughts circling in my head from morning until night, and part of me is afraid the Tanners will come back for revenge, while another part keeps scolding myself for not reporting what happened to campus security. Another mistake!