ALEX #4
I masturbate while tears spill down my face, wanting to howl, wanting to scream, unable to understand why my life can’t settle into anything calm, why something is always happening, why I can never be happy?
As the wave slows down, I close my eyes and a memory drifts in, the time when I was with Bay, when we sat on the beach in front of his house playing chess, me teaching him a few useful beginner strategies.
Bay was a natural, not passionate about it, but not stupid either, and sometimes he pulled off a clever move or two.
I remember it clearly. It was exactly a week after the first time we slept together.
There was still that soft, bright shyness between us, those secret glances, that bubbling excitement about what the next days would bring.
I would look at him now and then as he studied the chessboard, the sun falling across his face, those beautiful, even features without a single flaw, and the wind coming off the lake catching in his long, dark red hair.
At one point he noticed me watching, leaned forward and took my hand, lifting it to his lips and pressing a kiss to it.
"I have something for you," he said, "I wanted to make a special occasion for it, but every day with you is a special occasion for me, Alex," and a faint flush appeared on his cheek.
Then, a little clumsily, he pulled a ring box from his pocket.
"I feel stupid that all I gave you was that aluminum tab… you deserve so much more," he whispered shyly.
My fingers went to the chain on my neck where I wore that little tab.
"Bay, I love that tab. It was such a sweet, spontaneous gesture and I really appreciate it."
Bay glanced at my neck, at the aluminum band.
"But I want you to have a real keepsake too, a symbol of our relationship," he said with seriousness.
He opened the box.
Inside was a thick band.
It was unusual. When I picked it up, I realized it must have been custom made, the design a dense pattern of tiny lightning bolts, just like the markings on Bay’s body, those strange natural tattoos I saw for the first time when we made love a week earlier.
I stared at the ring for a moment, pretty sure it was platinum.
"Oh wow, you must have spent a fortune…"
"My music video paycheck came in. Don’t worry, everything’s good."
Bay gently slid the ring onto my finger.
I smiled at him and he smiled back, wide and bright, lighting up a face that was so often sad and distant, but now beaming as his eyes met mine…
Happiness surged in me…
Fuck.
Stop.
The happiness is long gone. I shoo the memory away, almost brutally.
Opening my eyes, I toss the dildo aside and get off the bed, then run downstairs to my room and open the cabinet where I keep my jewelry.
The ring from Bay is there too, in its original box. I took it off soon after we broke up, but for some reason I keep wearing the aluminum tab, something like a dog tag.
I hold the ring for a moment. Why did I ever take it off? I want to be close to him so badly.
"I miss you so much, Bay," I whisper as tears warm my cheeks.
How many tears have I shed already, probably liters, there’s no way to measure this pain, this ripping inside my chest.
But my heat won’t let me sink into sadness, it’s relentless.
My body folds under another wave.
My jaw clenches.
In one firm, almost desperate move, I push the ring back onto my finger.
Fuck it, I’ll keep him close, no matter how much I’m going to whore myself out with the idea of anonymous stalker. I’ll keep the memory of those days, of that love, right here on me.
I won’t let it go.
The cool feel of the ring actually helps; my sobs quiet down in my throat and a strange calm spreads through me.
Not for long though, because a new contraction in my ass jerks through my whole body.
With trembling fingers, I close the empty box and put it away, then go back upstairs to Dereck’s bed, this time bringing paper towels, a pillow, a blanket.
I drop onto the bed and go back to frantically working the dildo into myself.
Obviously, I’ve always loved orgasms, duh, but now they’re almost painful, nothing like they should be.
The thought returns again, that I should just end it all, this is too exhausting.
Eventually, I widen the knot in the dildo and let the wave settle that way. Then I lie there for a long moment staring at the ceiling. I’m so worn out, my mind can’t take any more, so I just lie there numb.
I have this ridiculous thought that the college will soon put up missing posters for Oswald.
I wonder if the police will come to me if any camera in the area caught him walking this way. The students might say we knew each other, and what would I tell them then?
Maybe his friends, Tobias for example, know about his interest in me? Or know he came here.
Perhaps it would be better if they threw me in prison and my life finally straightened itself out, giving me real problems and dilemmas, the kind that revolve around surviving another day in an omega prison.
I once heard it’s not exactly a rosy place, where the strongest omegas, the tallest, most dominant ones rule everything, and the rest, especially the smaller, slighter ones, are their… fucktoys.
That would definitely be my fate. There aren’t many omegas smaller than me.
That thought actually makes me grateful that my stalker took Oswald’s body. Maybe I really can get myself out of this, because I definitely wouldn’t want to end up in prison.
My stalker…
Is he Bay, or really some psycho watching me through hidden cameras?
But honestly, right now I have bigger dilemmas than dwelling on this. My body won’t listen. It keeps demanding… ehhh.
I finally drag myself downstairs to the kitchen and force down half a liter of fruit yogurt, because it’s the only thing I can get into my stomach. Then I head to the bathroom. Thank Fate that when Bay and I furnished this little house, we decided to install a bathtub here too.
I run the water, slide into the warm bubbles, and beg for just a moment of calm, a moment of silence, but my mind is like a speeding bullet. It has to punch through several layers of raw, sensitive tissue before it can stop its trajectory.
Suddenly my phone chirps again.
I pull my hand out of the water, wipe it quickly on a towel so I don’t drip on the screen, pick it up, and stare in surprise.
It’s… Jared.
Now? Seriously? When I’m drowning in so many problems already…
"Jared?"
"Hey, Alex. I was wondering if I could drop by for a moment. I have some news."
I swallow. "Umm. You know what, maybe in a few days. I’m in heat right now."
A moment of silence. I can only hear his breathing.
"Oh. Oh! Right, yeah, of course." I hear this tiny bit of confusion in his voice, embarrassment lingering. "I just, you know, I wanted to tell you that things in my life have changed a little."
"I hope for the better, Jared. I’ve been worried about you this past year…"
"Yeah, for the better. This last year was really—" he swallows loudly and obviously searches for words, "—really hard for me.
Those people I told you about back then, they were…
they were rotten to the core. Sure, they helped me with my career, and I got a lot of modeling gigs, but… I had to pay them back."
"Jared, I’m so sorry. I really am."
"It’s okay now. And I’m sorry too, if I made you stress about it. You were right about everything. I shouldn’t have gotten involved with them. Luckily… something changed."
A wave of relief moves through me. "You managed to get out of it?"
"Yes. At one of the parties they dragged me to, there were some outside guests too, young businessmen with growing companies. I was supposed to, um, act as a kind of host. One of the guys was really rough and pushy, tried to pull me into a corner. But another guest stepped in. Mark Ferguson. He took me aside and talked to me for a while. I was shaking so badly… Mark asked what was going on with me, why I was even there, and I told him the truth. That I’d gotten stuck with these bad people and didn’t know how to break free. Mark promised he’d help me."
"And did he?"
"Yes. He knew somebody in the mafia. The guy helped with it in exchange for a… favor. He basically bought me out of that circle."
"For a favor?" Something flashes through my mind. "Was his name Ennio Ferro?"
"That’s what Mark told me. You know him?"
This is clearly not the moment to talk about it, so I only mutter, "I know of him, not him."
"Yeah. He handled everything so they’d leave me alone. And Mark took me to his place afterward… we got closer. I like him."
"I’m glad you met a man like that. But the fact that he was there too, originally… isn’t that a red flag? That he moved in those circles?"
"He’s really desperate to grow his company and needs sponsors, so he had to get close to… let’s say questionable people. But he’s a hardworking, solid guy, completely focused on his business. He asked me to marry him."
I blink in shock.
"Wait. Marry you? Jared, you can’t be serious, you’re only nineteen!"
"I know, but…" his voice cracks, "you know, it’s something I’ve secretly always wanted. A stable relationship and a family."
"That’s understandable and it’s great that you want that, but…"
"He wants that too. He wants a child, a husband. And he even promised to help me build my modeling career, legally, without any extra ‘services’. Not empty words, but actually securing big brands’ contracts for me."
I let out a huff; it sounds a bit too good to be true.
"Jared… are you sure? You know you can’t always have everything at once. He sounds like a great guy, but please be careful. Not everything that shines is gold."
"I know, Alex," he whispers. "But I really don’t have anything in my life. I don’t have a profession, I don’t have a well-connected family who can help me. I have nothing except my looks. And he’s a rich man who can give me a stable life."
"I’m afraid you might get disappointed…"
"Alex… I really want a family. I want kids."