Chapter 5 #3
Collin sighs. “I’m not sure how much of that was me, to be fair. Like, I gave you some guidance, but in each of those cases, I think what really mattered was that your life was in danger.”
“So… what? I need to be completely freaked out to be able to use it? Well, in case you haven’t noticed, that’s not exactly hard for me. If that’s all it takes, I won’t have any trouble stepping up.”
Collin’s lips twitch with amusement. “That’s not it.
Yeah, your emotions contribute, but I believe it was the actual circumstances that gave you access.
I also haven’t been able to sense any magic in you, even with us in sync, which points to only one thing: someone has bound your power.
Probably a long time ago, when you were a baby.
And whoever it was, it looks like they want you to live, so they created a small loophole. ”
Someone put some kind of magical block on me when I was a baby? The thought is so strange, I just goggle at Collin for a long moment. All my life, I’ve thought I was weak. But what if I haven’t been?
“So, who do you think did this? Was it Mom?” She’s never been willing to help me find the mana inside me. She always wanted me to feed on humans like she does and just use my innate incubus abilities instead. But what if she set me up for failure right from the beginning…
He shakes his head. “Your mother is dangerous, and I’m certain she knows more about casting spells than she lets on, but you need to be stronger than the person you bind. I don’t think she’d have the power.”
Um, Collin told me that a freaking Queen of Hell in a major religious text was based on my mom’s legend. Exactly how strong am I supposed to be?
“It might have been your father,” Collin continues. “There’s no way to be sure. And no, there isn’t anyone on Earth with enough magic to break it. I’ve asked. Not even Sarah Stryker.”
“All right. Fine. Plan B, then. Luckily, there are a bunch of bloodthirsty vampires who I’m sure will be more than happy to try to kill me when I go to save those kids. So, once they’re about to rip me to pieces, what will I need to do?”
“That’s very brave, Alvin, but at the level of spellcraft we’re talking about, this won’t be something you can just trick into giving you what you want.
A binding this powerful would almost certainly have sentience.
The other times you used your magic, the danger you were in wasn’t of your own making.
You were surprised, cornered. But if you try to rely on it, if you deliberately put yourself in jeopardy, I fully expect the binding spell to change tactics. ”
“You mean, in a moment I really need it, it might not give me access to my power?”
I picture what would have happened if I had failed to create the spark when I shoved the Molotov cocktail into Rafa’s dad. It would not have been pretty.
But Collin’s dark expression shows the real answer is much worse.
“I mean… it might find a way to punish you for even trying. Quite likely, it would do whatever it took to convince you to never try again. As you pointed out, you weren’t really in control this last time.
I was able to talk you down, but there’s only so much I can do, especially if this spell wants to prove a point.
And if the reason you needed the power was to save some children… ”
Then I might not just torch backyards and vampires.
I flash to the house in Hunter’s Point with the lights on.
The one I was going to throw a fireball at.
There was a family in there—a human family—and all I cared about was seeing it burn.
If the binding spell wanted to send me a message, then encouraging me to kill a bunch of helpless teens would be the least it could do.
I slump back into bed, suddenly exhausted again. “So, you’re saying I have all the power in the world, but I can’t use it.”
Collin lies down next to me, close. Our shoulders touch through the sheet. “What I’m saying is that it doesn’t look like it’s time. Not yet. But someday it might be, and on that day, I promise I will help you figure out how to do loads of good with it.”
Cold comfort now. So much for me not being useless! I let my head sink back into the pillow and squeeze my eyes shut. “You think most of those children are already dead?”
Collin rolls on his side to face me. His fingers land on my chest, over my heart, and when I open my eyes, his own are bright.
“I’ve been thinking a bit more about that.
Smart or not, those vampires are still pretty savage, so I doubt they would have kept humans alive for days, or even weeks, just to be understudies.
They need a large group of teens with magical ability for a reason.
I’ll know for sure in a few hours, when my knowledge of the world refreshes, but I expect the whole lot of them are still alive.
And one way or another, we are going to get those kids out. ”
“You really believe that?” I ask.
“I wouldn’t give you false hope, Alvin. I’ve been worried about them, too.
And maybe you can’t blast your way through this, but you’ve still got me.
And Rafa. And with or without magic, you remain the bravest and most tenacious person I’ve ever met.
We’re a long way from being out of this fight.
” His eyes soften, and he reaches up to tenderly brush a wayward strand of hair off my forehead.
“But you really should get some sleep now. No matter what, it’ll be a lot easier to win against these guys if you aren’t so wrecked you can’t think. ”
It’s a fair point. My eyes keep wanting to close, and my bones weigh crazy heavy into the mattress.
The last thirty-six-plus hours are really starting to catch up to me.
I’m in no state to leave the room, let alone charge into a vampire dungeon.
And it would make sense to wait for Collin’s database update first. That way, we could at least know what we’re up against.
So, yeah, I’m not going to say no to a couple—or even several—hours of “kip.”
Collin continues to caress me, stroking the length of my scalp with soft fingertips, and I stretch back, shutting my eyes and arching my neck. It’s kind of like he’s petting a cat, but it honestly feels really nice. It calms me down.
“I like that,” I say, my eyes still closed.
He huffs out a pleasant chuckle. “Yeah? It feels good to me, too.”
I crack open an eye. “Really? So, you’re saying you genuinely feel something when you do that?”
Another laugh, bigger this time. “Eh… my fingers are running through your lovely, thick hair. Of course, I feel something!”
His expression really is like sunshine when he’s happy, especially with his golden curls and sparkling sky-blue eyes. I feel this pull in my chest of wanting him closer. What would it be like to properly snuggle all night?
“Huh. I just figured all this stuff was an illusion you were creating or whatever,” I say sleepily.
His hand stops. “Is that what you think?”
I give his forearm a friendly rub, hoping to encourage him to continue. “I don’t mean anything bad by that. I like it when you touch me. But I just figured it was like all the other stuff you put in my head. That it’s not truly real.”
He pulls back and sits up cross-legged, suddenly serious. “Alvin, maybe what we do together isn’t strictly physical, but it’s just as real to me.”
Fighting against my body’s heaviness, I push myself to sit up with him. I feel awkward about stepping on the nice moment we were having, but since I just learned about my dad, this might in fact be a good time to ask a few other questions that have been weighing on me.
“I’m sorry. I guess I’m still not 100% sure what you are… I mean, you look like a cute guy my age and stuff. But you’re also, like, thousands of years old, right? And, according to you, you’re not ‘flesh and blood’ or a ghost…”
“Right.” His eyes hollow out a bit. “So, you’re wondering if any of it is real…”
His expression crumbles like something fragile, and I immediately feel guilty for pushing this.
“Please don’t get me wrong. Whatever this is, it’s been totally cool.
Beyond cool. I’ve never had anything like a boyfriend—and you’re kinda like the perfect boyfriend.
Which has been super nice.” My shoulders sag, and I pull at my own fingers in my lap, awkwardly.
“It’s just that… I’ve never been in love or anything…
And it’s really hard not to get caught up in this. To get caught up in you.”
He purses his lips and nods soberly. “So you want to know if what we’ve been doing is all some kind of act on my part. Or game. Or manipulation.”
I wince. “I’m sure you wouldn’t have done it in a mean way or anything, but yeah… I guess I do need to know.”
A half-smile dimples one of his apple cheeks. “I understand. It’s a fair question.” The momentary lightness dissolves. “And you’re right to question me, Alvin. Some of it is an act.”
My heart squeezes. Those are not the words I was hoping to hear.
Collin folds his arms and exhales. He looks away, ashamed.
“Obviously, I’m not some lad who was born in Dublin, Ireland, twenty or so years ago.
I do my best to recreate the accent and use the right slang, but I’m sure that an actual Irishman would be able to spot me as a fake pretty quick.
” He meets my eyes. “This is something I’ve always done, throughout the centuries.
I’m completely isolated in that watch, you see.
I basically only exist when someone wants something from me, and then only long enough for them to get it.
By trying to be a person who could currently be alive and out there, it makes me feel connected to the world.
It makes me feel real, for lack of a better word. ”
I gently touch the back of his hand. “So… if you’re not a cute Irish boy, what are you?”
He grimaces. “I honestly don’t know! My first memory was being asked mad questions by a gang of hard-faced men in gray robes.
And when I looked down at myself, this is what I saw.
” He pulls his hands down his body, fingers spread.
“A body that was 100% human, with all the working parts and all the same needs—just utterly locked away from the world and made into a tool.”
His voice becomes thick, and he clears his throat before continuing.
“I don’t know what I was before that. Or if I even existed at all.
It’s another question I’m not allowed to ask.
Those ancient druids could well have conjured me out of thin air.
Maybe I am just a tool. Other than the woolen garments I wear whenever I’m summoned and how I look, the only thing I could ever really call my own is my name: Culann… ”
“KOO-lawn…” I repeat. We’re both sitting cross-legged together now, facing each other, the sheet down in my lap. I scoot forward, wanting more than anything to cheer him up now. “Well, that sounds pretty close to ‘Collin.’”
He nods with dry amusement. “It’s a Celtic name. I’ve just updated it a bit. Versions of it are still in use, but I wanted something that sounded more common.”
I playfully bump my knee against his. “I get it—wanting to choose what people call you. I basically did the same thing. Mom doesn’t do last names, not consistently anyway, so I made up my own: Alonso.”
He bumps back, affectionately, before leaning in. It causes the front part of his legs to press against mine. His body heat easily radiates through the smooth silk of my PJs. “I know. It means ‘noble and brave.’ It’s a good pick.”
Shrugging, I match his lean forward, keeping the contact. “I was fourteen. It was what you might call ‘aspirational.’”
Collin lets out an amused breath, then becomes serious again.
“I honestly don’t know what I am, Alvin.
The only thing I can say for sure is that every one of my interactions—what you called ‘illusions,’ all of this”—he places his hand on top of mine and squeezes—“for me, it is real life. And what I feel for you—I swear, it’s the opposite of a game.
” He lets go and drops both his fists and his gaze into his lap, sad and frustrated again.
“But I can’t blame you for not feeling the—”
I hook the buttoned placket of his PJ shirt with a finger, pull him toward me, and kiss his lips.
His eyes stretch wide in response.
“So, that feels real to you?” I ask. I’ve pulled back, but only a little.
He swallows hard. The blush on his cream-white cheeks flares red. “Uh, yeah. Very real.”
“Okay,” I say.
I kiss him again, this time with my hand around the back of his head. I coax open his mouth with mine and explore, tasting mint and fennel, until his breath comes out in ragged puffs.
“Jaysus, Alvin… For someone who had his first kiss just hours ago, you’re some quick learner.” He tongues his lip, like he’s still feeling me on him. “But… what are you doing?”
What am I doing?
I kissed him just now because I didn’t want him to feel bad. At least, I thought that was the reason.
But whether it’s my monster or what happened between me and Rafa or just constantly being around someone so undeniably cute—arousal has been humming inside me like background noise for a while, pushing for some kind of release.
And even if I don’t have all the answers, even if the freaking Avatar of Knowledge doesn’t have all the answers, there is one thing I can say for sure: I like this guy.
A lot. I like pretty much everything about him. Whatever he is.
And he says he likes me back. I can’t be with Rafa because of what I am. And there’s probably even more reasons why I shouldn’t be. But with Collin, it’s different. There is no one else like him in all the universe. Maybe we were made for each other.
And this might be the only chance we get.
I drop my hand to brush along the downy flannel on the side of his knee.
“Collin, I’ve never had actual sex with anyone.
” His legs are still crossed. I continue moving along the inside of his thigh, enjoying the warmth of his skin through the fabric, the firmness of muscle.
“And the closest I got was interrupted by an asshole fae prince.” I stop my fingertips just under where his balls plump out the seam of his PJ pants, just barely touching their softness.
He stares down at my fingers, legs trembling, holding his breath.
Silk shifts against my own growing cock.
“I don’t think I’m ready to sleep quite yet.
I know this is a little crazy, but—would you be cool with finishing what we started? ”
He laughs.
“Feck, yes, Alvin! Gods, yes!”