Nila #2
I moved faster, still madly in love with the dapple grey that I’d travelled to the polo tournament with.
Kes grinned as Moth switched her attention to me. Her velvet nostrils huffed, seeking oats and other treats as I reached out to stroke her powerful neck. “Hey, girl.”
She pawed the ground, the metal of her shoe clinking against cobbles.
“Wait there.” Kes disappeared to the end of the stables, then came back holding a rosy apple. “Here you go.”
I took it.
Moth followed the fruit with sniper-like attention.
“I just feed it to her?”
Kes nodded. “Put it on your palm and keep your fingers flat. You don’t want her to bite you accidentally.”
Great.
I eyed Moth hesitantly. Her neck strained over the railing, trying to get at the apple. When I didn’t move, Kes chuckled.
“Don’t be afraid.” He stole my hand, bent my fingers till they were flat, then shoved me forward. “Can’t tease the poor girl.”
The second I was within biting distance, Moth pinched the apple from my hand. A loud crunching noise filled the stables. Every other horse pricked its ears, alerted to the sound of treats and the fact that they weren’t getting any.
Apple juice dripped from her lips, plopping onto the dusty floor.
Kes laughed. “She’ll do anything for sweets. She’s a nutcase for molasses.”
I raised my hand, patting between her eyes. Moth nudged closer, demanding more cuddles, telling me exactly how she wanted it.
“She’s lovely,” I said softly, imagining owning such a magnificent animal.
“She is, I agree.” Kes never took his eyes off me. His words hovered between us, not entirely innocent. Something stronger than friendship emitted from him.
I had the insane urge to wrap my arms around Moth and use her as a crutch in this suddenly precarious position.
“Kestrel...”
He cleared his throat. “Sorry.”
We both stood awkwardly. I continued to stroke Moth and the yips of foxhounds in the kennel next door reminded me all over again of the first night I’d spent here and the kindness Squirrel had shown by licking my tears.
There was goodness in all of us. Human, equine...canine. We were all capable of good and bad. We were all redeemable—no matter what we did.
Kes rubbed his jaw. “You know...”
I looked up, waiting for him to continue. “Know what?” I prompted.
His gaze narrowed. He suddenly cleared his throat, shaking his head. “Eh, don’t worry about it.”
I frowned, scratching Moth around her ear, straining on tiptoes to reach. “Okay...”
A few seconds ticked past before he exploded.
“You know what? Fuck it. It’s his fault he can’t bloody cope.
I’m done with how he’s treated me and sick to fucking death of him reneging on everything we agreed.
” He punched himself in the chest. “I was there for him from the beginning. I kept his bloody secrets. I deserve to know what the fuck is going on, but he’s cut me out. ”
I froze. “What do you mean?”
Kes chuckled darkly. “It means, I’m done. That’s what. I’m sick of waiting for him to crawl back and apologise. I’m also sick of him threatening me to stay away from you—even though I know he’s ignoring you as much as me.”
What on earth happened between Kes and Jethro to warrant their relationship turning so sour?
He dragged a hand through his hair. “Jethro approached me after the polo game last month. He asked if I wanted a new horse.”
I gasped. “Oh, no! You can’t get rid of her.” I leaned into her, pressing my face against her neck. “She’s perfect. Don’t ever say such a thing.”
Kes smiled, patting the mare. “I know. She’s a great girl. She’s only eight years old, so she’s not going to the glue factory anytime soon.”
I grabbed Moth’s ears, squeezing tight. Speaking to the horse, I said, “Pretend you never heard of glue or factory. That will never happen to you. I won’t allow it.”
Even as I said it, I wanted to burst into insane tears. Moth would outlive me by decades. I was the one on the countdown to be put down, not her.
Unless Jethro figures out his plan.
Kes’s finger pressed against the underside of my chin, raising my eyes to his. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this, because it just makes him look good all over again, but...he wanted to get me a new horse, so you could have Moth.”
My heart stopped. “Me?”
He nodded. “He was going to give her to you the night after the Second Debt. But of course...” He trailed off, both of us aware what happened the next day.
Kes gritted his jaw. “And if I’m completely honest, I’m glad he didn’t have the chance to give her to you.” A cloud fell over his face, twisting his features with anger. “She’s my horse. I should be the one to give her away if I choose.”
I stroked his arm, hoping to reassure him that no one was taking his horse. And even if Jethro had given me Moth, I couldn’t have taken her because she already belonged to Kes. “Don’t worry, Kestrel. She’s yours. No one—”
“I want you to have her.”
The air solidified.
Moth huffed, nudging me as I stood mute.
I spluttered, “I—I can’t.”
Even as I said it, the thought of owning this incredible beast blistered my heart. To have something of my own, while surrounded by things that could never be—it would be...wonderful.
Kes clamped strong hands on my shoulders, staring deep into my eyes. “She’s yours. She responds to you more than she does with me. You’re meant to have her, Nila.”
Gratefulness and overwhelming amazement filled me. “I—I don’t know what to say.”
Kes smiled. “Say nothing. It’s already done.
” Squeezing my shoulders, he stepped back.
“You’re the proud new owner of a dapple grey by the name of Warriors Don’t Cry.
” Patting Moth on the neck, he grinned. “I’ll find the pedigree papers later, so you can keep them safe, but for now. ..let’s go for a ride.”
My eyes bugged out of my head. “I’ve never been on a horse before.”
Not counting with Jethro when he carted me back on Wings, of course.
Kes ignored me, heading toward the tack room. “Doesn’t matter. I’ll show you.”
* * * * *
An hour later, I sat atop my first ever horse.
I’m freaking.
I’m terrified.
I’m beyond exhilarated.
I couldn’t remember the last time something affected me so piercingly.
Even Jethro?
Well, apart from him.
It seemed the older I grew and more jaded by life I became, the more I lost the heightened extremes of newness. No longer enjoying the catapulting happiness or devastating lowness. These days my highs and lows were more hills and valleys rather than mountains and chasms.
But looking down and seeing the ground far below, feeling the unyielding metal stirrups beneath my borrowed boots, and the leather reins in my hands, I’d never been more alive. More joyous.
This was Christmas on crack.
This was birthdays all in one.
I own her.
I own this majestic animal.
I couldn’t sit still with excitement. Leaning forward, I patted Moth’s beautiful grey neck. From up here, I had full view between her ears at the rolling fields and sweeping dark forest.
Kes led his mount from the stables and swung his leg over an inky black horse. Its coat gleamed in the autumn gloom, its velveteen nostrils flaring with huge gusts of breath.
Before Kes could get his seat, the horse skittered sideways with a clatter of hooves.
“Whoa, you damn animal.” He jerked the reins, forcing the horse to submit.
“Who’s that?” I asked, clutching my own reins as Moth tossed her head at the fiery beast prancing beside her. Her flanks rippled with indignation.
Kes’s face pinched in concentration. He swatted the horse with his whip as it bucked and nickered. The horse’s ears flattened, eyes rolling in a mixture of hell-bound fury and eagerness.
“This is Black Plague. He’s technically my father’s horse, but he’s in-between purse races right now. He always gets like this if he isn’t trained every day.” He stroked the pitch-black pelt. “Don’t you, boy?”
“Rather you than me.”
“Plague definitely isn’t for beginners.” Raising his eyebrow, Kes pointed at my helmet. “Check that it’s on tight. I’m not a conventional teacher and need to make sure you’re protected.”
I laughed, forcing a finger beneath the strap below my chin, showing him that if it were any tighter, I’d choke. I also waved at the bracing corset he’d made me wear, along with the borrowed jodhpurs and boots. “Completely protected.”
I felt like royalty—an equestrian princess who knew exactly what she was doing.
I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.
For the past hour, Kes had taught me how to clean out Moth's hooves, curry her coat, saddle her, tighten a girth, and slip a bit into her mouth.
So much to do before going for a ride and so much more to do once we returned.
But every single thing I adored.
I didn’t think I’d ever been so happy than standing in the stall listening to Kes's deep voice as he joked and teased and congratulated me when I copied correctly.
He was patient and kind and we got along easily. Being with him made my heart weep for Vaughn. The ease in which we chatted reminded me of the relationship I’d had with my twin.
My heart also cried for another.
A rolling black cloud shaded me whenever I thought of Jethro.
He should’ve been the one teaching me.
He should’ve been the one laughing and joking and kissing me in the hay.
I hadn’t seen Jethro today, and the lovesickness I suffered whenever I thought of him became a constant sabre to my chest.
How could I love someone with so many demons?
How could I love someone who didn’t share those demons with me?
I don’t have a choice.
If I did—I would choose Kestrel. He was kind and sympathetic. He made me feel better about myself, rather than condemned me to fear.
“Who are you, Kestrel?” I asked before I had time to censor myself.
He stilled, his hands tightening around his reins. “What do you mean?”
“Well, you seem to have a gift at hiding whatever you’re thinking—just like your older brother. However, unlike him, you don’t seem afflicted. Jethro responds to you. He obeys you when there’s tension and looks to you for help.” I squinted beneath my helmet. “Why is that?”
Kes lost his smile, filling with seriousness. “Do you know what he is yet?”
His question slapped me.
I know about black diamonds and absorbing. I know about feelings and pain.
“I’m beginning to understand.” Moth shifted below me. “I don’t have a name for his condition, though. Do you?”
“I do, but it’s not my place to name it.” He laughed softly. “Come back to me when you’ve figured it out. When Jethro tells you what he is—I’ll tell you who I am. Fair?”
No, not fair. I doubt he’ll ever tell me.
Tipping his helmet in salute, he added coyly, “However, there really isn’t much to tell about me. I’m an open book.”
Kicking Black Plague, he moved forward. Moth automatically followed. The clip-clop of hooves echoed off the kennel as we left the stables behind.
The rocking of Moth and the sheer power of her muscles sent fear skittering down my spine. What if I had a vertigo attack and fell off? What if I didn’t steer properly and we ran into a tree?
“Uh, Kes...perhaps this isn’t such a good idea.” My legs trembled. “Maybe I should learn to ride on something smaller?”
Kes turned around, planting a hand on Black Plague’s rump. Ignoring my concerns, he said, “Remember how I said I’m not a conventional teacher?”
I nodded slowly, nervousness billowing in my chest. “Yes...”
“Well, here is your crash course in riding. Hold your reins tight but not too tight. Don’t jerk on her mouth.
Pretend you have a twenty-pound note between your arse and the saddle and under no circumstances is it to fly free.
Keep your heels down and back straight, and if you fall, roll away and don’t hold onto the reins. ”
The more he spoke, the more my heart raced.
“Got it?”
Everything he just said went in one ear and out the other. “No. I don’t have it. Not at all.”
Kes threw me an evil grin. “Too bad.” Raising his whip, he kicked Black Plague and shot away as if this was the Championship Derby. “Hold on, Nila!”
I pulled on my reins as Moth bunched and collected beneath me. “No...you are not going to follow him, damn horse. I like my neck being attached to my body.”
Moth tossed her head, snatching the reins from my hands.
“No. Stop!”
A moment later, I went from standstill to full-blown gallop.
I became a blur of grey.
I became the girl from my past who believed in unicorns.
I became...free.