Nila #2
“No!” I stomped my foot. “You don’t get off easily this time. Not again. Spit it out. Tell. Me!”
The air around him withered and wilted. He shrunk, closing himself off from everything.
I stood there like an island as his regret and confusion waked around my ankles. His utter devastation undermined my anger, but I refused to break.
It was his turn to grovel. His turn to show me light in this never-ending blackness.
I’d tried to help him so many times. I’d made excuses for him. Trusted in the stolen touches and bone-deep knowledge that he loved me. I’d begged him to let me in. To love him. To cherish everything he was—even his secrets.
But he’d pushed and shoved and hurt me so damn much. And no matter how badly he treated me, I couldn’t tear out the love I had for him. He was a confused, cruel, crippled human being who wasn’t good for me.
My anger switched to sadness. If he couldn’t even give me this—when I was at my most violent and open—he couldn’t give me anything.
Just let him go. End this charade.
I sighed, taking a step backward. “Go. Just leave.”
His spine stiffened as he glared at the wall.
Tears ran down my face as I stared at the cold animal I’d given my heart to. The icy fear that I’d been abused by Daniel and Cut filled my mind. Was that why Kestrel had drugged me? So I wouldn’t have to live through something so heinous? Had he done it out of concern for my wellbeing?
Would Jethro ever do something so heroic?
He gritted his teeth, finally looking at me. “I’m supposed to tell you that my father raped you and my youngest brother degraded you to the point of ruin. I’m supposed to stand here and fill your vacant memories with pain and evil abuse.”
He took a step toward me.
My skin crawled at the thought of him coming closer.
“But, no matter how this will backfire, no matter if my plan fails and everything I’ve tried to avoid comes into play, I can’t—I can’t do that to you.
” His eyes were wild and dilated, thanks to drugs and liquor.
“Nila, I swear on my fucking life, no one touched you. Kestrel knocked you out, so we could do what we needed behind the scenes.” He punched his chest. “But I give you my word as a Hawk that the only person who touched you was me.” His eyes fell on my nightgown.
“I dressed you, kissed you, put you to bed. And then I curled up on the floor to ward off any more arseholes. Even though I’ve proven I’m not worthy, even though you hate me—as you should—I couldn’t live with myself if I told you a lie on top of all the others. ”
A sob wrenched through my chest.
Oh, thank God.
Thank, thank God.
They hadn’t touched me.
I almost puddled to the floor in relief. But the complications in those sentences—the truth, the distress—forced me to keep pushing, keep talking. How could he take my anger and twist it so inexplicably? How could he warm my hate so it boomeranged back on me and made me crumble?
Wrapping my arms around myself, I took a step closer. My need to hurt him hadn’t receded but beneath my violent rage, there was the incessant urge to hug him, touch him—fix both of us.
He shied away. “Don’t.” His voice was strangled—a sharp warning to keep my distance.
We stood apart. Two figurines in an emerald sea of carpeting. The air was cool, coaxing my temper to simmer. Not being allowed to touch was torture. I couldn’t deny myself the need to connect—either to strike him or stroke him, it didn’t matter.
Ignoring his beg for space, I closed the gap and touched the back of his arm. My eyes flared at how hot he was—how unnaturally warm for his normal frigid form. “Thank you for finally being honest.”
I swallowed. “You can’t keep fighting. Whatever it is you’re going through. Whatever reason that’s making you take drugs and obey the vilest man in history, you have to stop.” My voice lowered. “You’ll end up killing yourself if you don’t get help.”
He tumbled backward, his voice raspy and low. “You can’t help me. Nobody can.”
“Don’t be a cliché, Jethro. Everyone can be helped.”
He snorted, pain layering upon pain.
I hugged myself again, trembling and quaking, struggling with the thick tension in the room. “Tell me and I give you my word I’ll listen.”
What are you doing?
“If you tell me the truth, I won’t judge. I’ll stay quiet and withhold judgement until everything makes sense.”
You’re truly giving him another chance?
I gritted my teeth.
Everybody deserved a second chance if they were willing to admit a lifetime of troubles.
My father handed me over, even though he knew what my mother went through—I forgave him.
My brother made me a laughing stock of the gossip columns—I forgave him.
And Jethro? He made me fall in love with the bad guy and trade innocence for corruption.
I fell for him when he was closed off and arctic.
If he thawed and let me in, there would be no greater gift.
No symbol deeper than two souls screaming to connect.
“I’ll be able to forgive you if you tell me,” I whispered. “I’m here for you. How many times do I need to tell you that?”
Fury twisted his face, dissolving his disbelief at my confession. “You say you won’t judge, yet I feel your hatred toward me, Nila. You say you’re there for me, but how far will that willingness go?” He stepped back again, moving to the door.
He can’t leave.
“You know nothing. And it’s best if you continue knowing—”
“Shut up.” I stalked toward him, my toes sinking into carpet. “Shut up and tell me. Tell me what you’re hiding.” My voice remained level, not rising to anger once again budding inside.
This wasn’t a fight. This wasn’t an ultimatum.
This was the end.
The breaking point of everything that’d been crushing us deeper and deeper into untruths. The sooner he let himself snap, the better we would be.
Sighing heavily, his shoulders rolled. “I wish I’d never met you. I wish all of this would disappear.”
His words sliced a wound deep and true. His voice was a horrible blade; cutting my arteries and making me bleed a river.
“Listen to me, Jethro Kite Hawk,” I said through fresh tears.
“I’m only going to say this one more time.
If you listen and see what I’m offering, all of this could be different.
But if you don’t; if you choose your family over me again, if you push me away and pretend that what exists between us isn’t worth fighting for, then I’m done. Do you get it?”
My voice gathered momentum. “You’ve hurt me. Everything inside wants to switch off and cut you from my soul. I’m close. So damn close to that—to slicing you free and never talking to you again.”
He hunched into himself with every word.
I swallowed back a sob. I kept going. “There’s a place inside me that’s fading.
What I feel for you is dying, and once it’s gone, I won’t have the strength to get it back.
Do you think I enjoyed paying the Third Debt?
Do you think I enjoyed having Kes do what he did?
” Tears spilled with no authority. “It was absolute torture, Jethro. The worst one I’ve had to pay because you weren’t there for me.
You weren’t there to feel my pain or help me get through it.
You left me! Do you have any idea how much that killed me?
To think we had something, only for you to walk out and deliver me to that horror? ”
His teeth locked together, backing away from me, moving toward the door.
I advanced all the while talking, hoping he listened. “But despite all that—the Debt Inheritance, the unforgivable handing me over, the lies and horrible behaviour—none of that matters if you make me understand.”
I lowered my gaze, looking at his bare feet.
If I wanted ultimate honesty for him, I had to be prepared to do the same.
It hurt to look deep inside—to give myself no room to hide and to come face to face with a girl I no longer recognised.
But I did it. Because I was strong and brave and ready to give in order to receive.
“No matter how screwed up and wrong the past few months have been, they’ve been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. ”
Jethro sucked in a breath.
“If a guardian angel had told me this would happen. If they’d come to me the night before you stole me and explained the atrocities I would live through, I would still have come with you.”
A groan cut short as Jethro froze in place.
“I would’ve waited for you with open arms. I would’ve gladly said goodbye to my life and let you torment me because it made me a better person—a stronger person—a person worthy of what I feel for you.
” I stiffened. “So don’t tell me you wish you’d never met me, Jethro Hawk, because I would live a thousand debts just for the gift of having you love me. ”
Goosebumps covered my naked arms. “I was wrong when I said you were weak. You’re not. You’re strong. Loyal. So twisted inside, no one can save you but you.”
Our breathing laced together as we let the impact of truth tear us apart.
If what he said was true and no one had touched me but Kestrel, then I had both brothers to thank. Somehow, they’d conspired together; I owed them my sanity.
Jethro didn’t move—he seemed atrophied with guilt and shame.
I breathed hard, forcing myself to expose the last exquisitely vulnerable honesty.
“I can’t help you if you don’t want me. But this.
..this is me asking you to love me. I’m begging you to trust me.
I’m telling you that you’re strong enough to survive whatever it is you struggle.
I’m asking you to choose me, Jethro. Before it’s too late. ”
Choose me. Love me. Save me.
His fists clenched. His head bowed and the most heart-clenching gasp fell from his lips. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
I choked back a sob, caught between needing to hide and going to hold him. “I know. But I’m not looking for an apology for what’s happened. I would’ve paid a million times over to deserve you.”