Chapter 35
Chapter Thirty-Five
Eva
Six weeks. Six weeks since my accident, since my whole world changed and I had no say in the outcome.
Sitting in my living room with Carly Pearce’s “Every Little Thing” playing on repeat - a soft early May breeze blows in from the open window across the room.
Left alone to sulk in what is left of my life, I sit bitterly with my right leg elevated on a pillow, and slowly lift the remote and press the back button for the song to start over again.
I got the last of my casts off this morning. Coming home from the doctor’s office after this appointment was a moment I had been dreading for the last month and a half. Somehow, still wrapped up in the injuries of the accident, I could hold onto him - to us.
The casts, as morbid as it sounds, were the last bit of him that was left with me.
That, and a letter I received the Friday I got home from the hospital.
I pick up the letter sitting next to me and crush the paper in a closed fist. Not having the courage to tear it up or burn it, I open it one more time to read his words through the wrinkled paper.
Eva,
They say all things heal over time. As I sit here in my now empty apartment, haunted by the thought of you and me, I hope that is right.
Your smell still lingers around me. Your laugh fills the room - and closing my eyes, I can still see you sleepy-eyed in the kitchen smiling back at me as you fill your coffee cup in the morning.
I can’t stay here, because I will always be haunted by you long after you leave, and I wouldn’t be the man who loves you more than anyone ever could if I asked you to stay.
Staying here, I will always need to come find you. To hold onto you, onto us, but I can’t. You deserve a chance at your dreams, even if they are not mine. Even if I am not one of them. I have to let you go.
There are some things I have never told you, but I hope you understand that walking away from you is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Staying away is torture, but Darlin’, you deserve so much more than I can give you.
Wherever your life leads, just know I will never forget you, and I will always be thankful for the time we had and how you showed me it was okay to love again.
Loving you was the only thing in my life I ever did right.
I hope you follow your dreams, wherever they lead, just like I hope you understand my need to walk away and only remember us the way we were.
Forever yours,
Noah
His last words sting. The way we were lingers in my mind, circling around every thought and making it impossible to move forward.
As I begin to prepare to reread the letter, the locks at the front door click open and I drop the paper immediately, hopeful Gwen doesn’t catch me reading it for the millionth time.
She enters the apartment with an irritated sigh.
“Damn it, woman, shut that song off already. I can’t take it anymore.
” She makes her way over to the radio under the window and forcefully hits the power button before turning to look at me.
She crosses her arms, her eyes fly to my side and she sees the letter I hoped she wouldn’t notice.
Thankfully, she doesn’t say a word, only walks a few steps across the room to a chair and drops down in it.
I look down at my lap and swallow back the tears that threaten to break free.
“If you are going to insist on playing some sappy breakup songs you could at least play some Miranda. I don’t listen to much of that country bullshit, but if I was in your shoes, ‘Momma’s broken heart’ is better than that whiny crap.”
I look up as she gestures toward the radio and rolls her eyes. I smile a sad smile and look down at my hands again.
I never made it to the interview at the L.A.
Times. Even after I had contacted them to let them know what had happened and they had offered to reschedule, I just didn’t have it in me to face a dream that I once had, but now didn’t need anymore.
Weighed down by the guilt of the decisions I should’ve made, and hurt by the sadness of the only man I’ve ever truly loved leaving, I threw myself into work at the paper and barely left the house when I wasn’t at the office.
“You know, ever since the accident, you walk around dead to the world.” Gwen sighs. She stands and makes her way to the kitchen. The door to the fridge opens and I hear her pop two tops off bottles before returning to the living room and handing one to me.
“I can’t.” I insist as she offers me a beer. “Not with the painkillers.”
She rolls her eyes and shoves the bottle closer. “I think your liver can handle it just once. Either that, or it will finally do you in and put you out of your misery.”
I cave and take the bottle, rolling my eyes as she sits back in her chair across the room from me. I debate not drinking it at all, but give up quickly as I take a much-needed sip and welcome the ease in my shoulders.
Rex returned from Kentucky for about one week shortly after he and Noah left.
Barely able to look me in the eye, he checked in on my injuries briefly before running back off as soon as he could get Michael to agree to franchise Gatsby’s in Nashville, which just happens to be only a little over two hours from Noah’s place in Kentucky.
I guess hiding out on the other side of the United States is easier than facing one of your oldest friends you helped stab in the back.
Guy code and all that bullshit. It still hurts though, because I never thought Rex would let someone come in between our brother-sister type relationship.
Just like I never thought Noah would ever leave.
“I have a confession to make,” she says. I glance at her as she nervously stares down at her lap. I watch as she peels the label off her beer bottle and wonder what she could have to say that would make her so hesitant.
“Save it, Gwen. If this is another remark about how shitty I look, or how pathetic I’m living my life these past few months, I don’t want to hear it.”
I look out across the room and take another drink from my bottle. She shakes her head no, but still doesn’t look me in the eye. Continuing to peel the label off her bottle, anxiety beckons as I begin to imagine what kind of confession may be lurking under the surface of this conversation.
“You got to promise not to kill me when I tell you. Although, in your state, I’m probably pretty safe from the ass-kicking I may or may not deserve.”
My brow furrows.
“It wouldn’t be the first time I may or may not have wanted to kick your ass. So go ahead, it can’t be that bad,” I joke, trying to lighten the mood.
She blows out a breath and takes a long drink from her bottle. She looks back up at me and puts her drink down on the coffee table.
“I know why Noah left, and it’s not what everyone has made you believe.”
Sitting up straighter, I start to demand answers. Holding up her hands, Gwen cuts me, “Noah didn’t tell me, but I put it together from what I did hear shortly after he took off with Rex six weeks ago.”
“And, you’re just now telling me this?”
She takes a deep breath and glances away.
“Honestly, I thought you might get over him. I thought you might forget about everything. I figured with time you’d let it go and everything would just go back to the way it was before he ever existed. Just like you always bounced back after all your other breakups.”
I’m not buying it.
“Forget about everything?” I ask, angrily. “How the hell did you think I would forget about everything after what I told you in the hospital?”
She shrugs and looks down at the floor. Tears fill her eyes when they finally lift to meet mine. “I almost lost my best friend,” she whispers. “If you knew the truth, you’d run off and I’d lose you for good.”
A tear falls down her cheek as I try to reel in my emotions and not lose it on her like I really want to.
“Gwen, how could you?”
“Damn it Eva, it wasn’t just that. I was sworn to secrecy. Rex made me promise not to say anything to you. He said Noah needed space. Hell, you did, too.”
I sit silently and drink in her words. As angry as I am, she may be right.
“Since when the hell do you talk to Rex anyways, let alone listen to any of the stupid shit he has to say?”
She stays silent. She doesn’t answer me like I need her to, then proceeds to pick up her bottle and continue to take drink after drink until it is almost empty.
“You know what hurts the most,” tears threaten to break free, and I swallow them back.
“I was so close. So close to having all I had ever dreamed. I had so much to tell him. So much to say. And he just walked away. He left and still doesn’t know that I chose him.
What the hell do I do now?” I ask the question aloud, more to myself than to her, but I know she will have some sort of smart answer even though it’s a rhetorical question.
“You can go to Kentucky,” she suggests. Looking her way, my eyes widen.
Yeah right, like that is ever going to happen. I’ll admit, what woman doesn’t have a fleeting thought of living in the south and channeling their inner Scarlet O’Hara - but Kentucky?
I laugh. “I don’t think so.”
“Come on, Eva, I’m being serious. It’s better than moping through life around here.”
I glance around the apartment and actually debate doing this crazy thing she has suggested for about two seconds before reality kicks in.
“Gwen, I have a job here. A life here. I can’t just up and leave it all on a stupid whim and move across the country to a state and culture I know nothing about. ”
“Who said anything about moving?” she smirks. “I meant a trip. Like a girl's trip to find the guy that broke your heart. You know, like all those sappy Hallmark movies you are always watching.”
“Who even knows if he wants to see me again,” I whisper.
“Come on,” she rolls her eyes, “Don’t make me go all Celion Dion 1999 on your ass right now and bust out ‘That’s the way it is,’ because Lord knows I’ll do it.”
Gwen stands from her chair and begins to sing the chorus.
I laugh at her, shaking my head, I question, “You’re serious?”
Shrugging, she crosses her arms over her chest daring me. “What do you got to lose? You already lost the boy, the dream, and your will to live.”
Laughing, I worry I’m about to regret the decision I subconsciously feel myself making. A choice I should have thought about first, many weeks ago actually.
“Alright,” I say. “Let’s go to Kentucky.”
Gwen screams with excitement. I laugh at her enthusiasm and wonder why I never thought about following him before. Why did I let him get the last word and let his need for space be what defined the end of us? A smile breaks across my face for the first time in weeks.
“Girl, I was hoping you’d say that. I already told your boss you were taking the next two weeks off for a family emergency.”
Gwen starts to make her way back to the kitchen.
“Wait, you did what?” I shout.
“Save it. He was more than happy to oblige. Your bad mood these last few weeks has made life unbearable for all of us. Time to pack my dear. We’ve got a lot of miles ahead of us to get you back where you belong.”
Back where I belong? Noah is where I belong. I just hope he still feels the same.