32. Chapter 32
Chapter thirty-two
Luciana
I t was a rare morning that I had woken before Emilio. The first golden rays of sunlight peeked through the curtains, illuminating his peaceful face as he lay in bed. His chest rose and fell with each steady breath, his features relaxed and serene. Most people’s hair gets wild and tangled during sleep, but not Emilio’s. His dark locks were perfectly styled, framing his face in an effortless yet alluring way. Not a single strand out of place. Even in slumber, he exuded a sense of perfection.
As the light grew stronger, it danced upon his eyelashes, highlighting their thick and luscious nature. Emilio’s eyes, hidden behind these delicate shutters, were a wonder of their own. They held the mysterious depths of a fathomless night sky, contrasted by flickering stars that seemed to twinkle with each beat of his heart. Their twinkling reflections whispered secrets that made even the morning sun seem less significant.
Would I ever truly know my husband? I knew he did dark things for the Mafia, but not the extent. The better question was, did I want to? Were any of those dark deeds cruel enough for me to not want to be with him?
I suppose we all had a shadow, a side of ourselves we didn’t want the world to see. And I would never see his.
“If you want to stare, you might as well take a picture,” Emilio mumbled.
It nearly made me have a heart attack - I thought he had been asleep. His eyes were closed and his breathing had been steady.
“You’re awake?!” I sputtered, rolling away from him.
He grabbed my lower back before I could get away and pulled me into him. Emilio hungrily kissed my lips, and I was breathless by the time he let go.
“Of course,” he said, his eyes now wide open. “Did you really think you would ever wake up before me?”
“I mean…maybe. Who the heck goes to bed at two in the morning and is up before seven thirty?”
“I don’t need that much sleep.”
As I realized he caught me staring, a deep pout formed on my lips. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment, and I quickly buried my face into his chest. His laughter filled the air, his body warm against mine like a human furnace. In that moment, I felt safe and secure, shielded from the outside world by the security of his embrace.
The two of us lay in silence, enjoying each other’s embrace. We both knew that Emilio would have to leave for work in a few hours, and we should enjoy the small amount of time we had to spend with one another.
I wasn’t sure why the thought popped into my head, or if I should even ask Emilio. However, I took a chance and asked him anyway.
“Hey,” I said hesitantly. “Have you ever gone looking for your mom?”
I noticed his body tense up, a clear sign I had made the wrong decision.
“Actually, never mind,” I started. “It was-”
“It’s fine, Jaws. I haven’t gone looking. If she doesn’t want me, I’m not going to force my way back into her life. But if she ever comes back, I would hear her out.”
“I don’t think she didn’t want you,” I mumbled, pressing my face into Emilio’s bare neck.
“Well, she left and didn’t come back. But it doesn’t matter,” he said. “We’ll have our own family.”
I was grateful for the cover of Emilio’s embrace, my face hidden against his neck. The redness in my cheeks must have been visible from space as he mentioned the possibility of us starting a family. In the early days of our marriage, the mere thought would have sent me running in the other direction. But now, with his strong arms around me and my feelings blossoming, it didn’t seem like such a daunting idea after all.
“Yeah,” I whispered back.
I didn’t know when to leave things alone. After Emilio had left for work, I couldn’t stop thinking about his mother. It didn’t make sense - why did she leave and not come back? Even if she despised her husband, it seemed impossible for a mother to hate her own child.
So, I started digging. I had accidentally found her name - Elisabetta - and birthday while searching for office supplies for an unrelated project. I also remembered that Emilio mentioned both his parents were born in NYC. It wasn’t much to go off of, but it was a start.
I grabbed my laptop and started with the most obvious place: Facebook. It had been forever since I had logged on, so much so that I couldn’t remember my password and had to reset it.
I searched all “Elisabetta Renzetti’s” in New York, but came up short. Desperate, I expanded my search to all the United States. I still could not find anything.
Grumbling to myself, I sat the laptop down next to me. If I was going to find her, that would have been the most likely place. But, just because it wasn’t easy, didn’t mean I was going to stop.
I spent the rest of the day searching various websites for any scrap of the whereabouts of Emilio’s mother. There was nothing. I was filled with dread as I checked the one place I had been avoiding, the place I did not want to find her at all. In the death records.
My search was half hearted; I was looking for something I somehow knew I was going to find. Sure enough, I stumbled across what I had been dreading. Elisabetta Renzetti .
She had passed away a while ago. I counted on my fingers and realized that Emilio must have been nine, the same age when she left him. Perhaps she didn’t intentionally leave him; maybe something terrible happened that prevented her from returning.
This was a lot of information to handle. Should I tell Emilio? It seemed he had made his peace with his mother leaving; this might bring up unwanted regrets and feelings.
My gaze lingered on the intricate patterns of the ceiling as I lay on the bed, lost in a trance of contemplation. My mind wrestled with a tough decision, each thought like a tangled knot that seemed impossible to untangle. It was consumed by the weight of my thoughts, pulling me deeper into a state of confusion and uncertainty.
Emilio’s arrival went unnoticed in my deep state of introspection, the sound of his footsteps and the creaking door blending seamlessly into the background.
“Whatcha doing?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I responded, a little too quickly.
He was hard to read today. I couldn’t tell if he was amused or upset.
“Really? It looks like you’re thinking really hard about something.”
“I was just zoning out,” I lied.
I had to sit on this information for now. It was too soon to decide; I had to wait longer and weigh the pros and cons.
“Why are you lying to me again, Jaws?”
“Huh?”
“The other day, when I picked you up from your parents’ house. You were keeping something from me,” he said, his eyes narrowing. “And now you’re lying to me again. Is it about the same thing?”
Frick. He could tell how upset I was over finding the symbol. Not that I had been good at hiding it, but I had hoped it would go unnoticed.
I had planned on keeping the information about Emilio’s mother to myself, but now I had to spin the conversation as far away from that as possible. For some reason, I didn’t want Emilio to know about the symbol. He would probably never let me near another abandoned building again, and I wasn’t even sure what it meant yet.
“Well,” I hesitated, really trying to sell it. “I sort of got nosy.”
“And?” he said.
“I went looking for information about your mother.”
His eyes widened slightly, surprise flashing in his gaze before it quickly turned into a steeled look. His mouth tightened and the jovial atmosphere that was present moments ago seemed to have evaporated.
“Jaws, why would you do that?” he asked, his voice laced with an emotion I couldn’t identify. It wasn’t anger though, or at least not entirely.
I stared at him for a moment, my heart pounding hard in my chest. This wasn’t the reaction I had been expecting. I was expecting shock perhaps, maybe even some anger, but this... this felt different.
“I... I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’m sorry, Emilio. My curiosity got the better of me.”
He didn’t say anything for a while, seeming to ponder on his thoughts. His silence was disconcerting, and the room felt too quiet for comfort.
“Did you find what you were looking for?” He finally asked, his voice cold and distant.
I swallowed hard, feeling the lump in my throat. This was the moment of truth. Do I tell him about his mother’s death? Or do I keep that to myself, protecting him from the pain?
“I found…some information,” I said, purposely not revealing everything.
There was another long pause. At first, I thought Emilio might not ask any more questions. I thought he would choose to accept what he knows of his mother and move on.
“And?”
Feeling a knot tighten in my stomach, I tried to break the news as gently as possible. “She died, Emilio. Looking at the date, it must have been right after she left.”
His face was a mask, the playful glint in his eyes gone. His jaw set as if he physically braced himself against the weight of my words.
Did he want comfort? Did he want space? I wasn’t sure. This had been my fear - that telling him would cause more pain than relief.
“I think,” I said, at the severe risk of putting my foot in my mouth. “She was going to come back for you. The day she died was so close to the day she left.”
A myriad of emotions flickered across Emilio’s face before he closed his eyes, his fingers clenching into fists at his sides. He was silent again, a silence that filled the room and hung heavily in the surrounding air.
“I see,” he said at last, his voice strained. He took a deep breath, opening his eyes again to look at me. There was a new depth in his gaze, a mixture of sadness and raw vulnerability that tugged at my heart.
“I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, Emilio,” I said softly, reaching out tentatively to place my hand on his arm. He didn’t pull away, his skin warm under my touch. “And I’m sorry for putting my nose where it doesn’t belong.”
Emilio managed a half-hearted smile, an attempt to reassure me more than anything else. “It’s okay, Jaws,” he said, though I could hear the tremor in his voice. “I always knew she wasn’t coming back. It’s nice knowing that if things had turned out differently, she may have come back for me.”
He rested his hand against my cheek, and I leaned into it. We sat there quietly for what felt like hours, the silence between us now filled with a bitter-sweet understanding.