Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
Jackson
I t’s been two days since I made my announcement to Maggie and Alice.
Forty-eight hours that I’ve been on-shift, pulling a double, with Maggie being so utterly fake in her text messages that I’m ready to barge into her house and kiss the ever-loving shit out of her just so I can get a real, honest reaction from her. My sister be damned.
Neither of them knows what the heck is going on.
Neither knows how long I have strived for this.
Wanted it. Pushed my body to the limit and studied.
Neither even bothered to ask what else I have to do, how many more certifications I’ll have to obtain before I’m even able to look for a damn job.
It would’ve been nice if they’d have at least fought me on it a little, made me feel like they gave a shit.
I ignore the fact that for at least six months of the year, I’ll be gone. They probably won’t even miss me at all.
The scrape of the patio furniture warns me of company a second before Deputy Chief Mac Collins plops into the chair next to me.
It’s another hot, humid day as summer refuses to relinquish its hold, even in late September.
The only reason I’m out here suffering the heat is because I hoped he’d leave without having to have this conversation.
By now, my resignation should have reached his desk.
He passes me a bottle of ice-cold water. “Talk to me.”
I twist the cap off and take a long pull. “I’m guessing you got my letter. Not much else to say.” I don’t owe this dickhead anything, and I resent him. He makes me question everything I ever thought about myself. I don’t like it.
He crosses an ankle over his knee and settles into his chair like he’s not going anywhere anytime soon.
Fuck it. I’m out. I push out of the chair.
“Sit,” he barks in that low, gravelly voice, and god dammit, my legs are folding under the weight of that command. I drop back into the chair and wait, elbows to knees, ready to bolt the second he dismisses me. “Talk.”
“I got accepted to a wildland training program.” Fuck, it’s hard to speak around this knot in my throat.
He nods. “Where?”
“California.”
He whistles low. “Long way from home.”
“Yes, sir.”
“This something you’re dead set on?”
At least he’s keeping his voice low. I haven’t told the rest of my crew yet.
There hasn’t been a right moment when we were all together.
Kate and Leo have been running calls all day.
I probably should’ve said something to Cal, but all he talked about in between the endless medical calls we assisted on was how his sister was doing at basic training, or how his niece Charlie is trying to potty train, and what other modifications Jules wants to do in her new coffee shop.
“Yeah. It’s always been the goal.”
The ambulance pulls around the building, and I breathe a sigh of relief at the interruption. Until Kate barrels out of the passenger door, eyes blazing, red hair flying wildly around her head.
“You selfish son of a bitch,” she yells, pointing a finger at me. She stops in front of me and plants her hands on her hips like she’s blocking me from making an escape.
“Whoa, Kate. Calm down,” Cal warns, appearing from the other side of the engine.
Her angry gaze darts to him. “Did you know?”
“Know what?” Cal uses his calm tone.
“This jackass turned in his notice today and didn’t say a damn word to anyone. I just happened to hear about it when we stopped by headquarters.”
I swivel to Chief Collins, who goes rigid next to me. “Who was talking?” he growls.
Kate obviously hears the threat in his tone and visibly shrinks. “The front office clerks.”
A muscle ticks in his jaw as he grunts in acknowledgment. Kate redirects her ire at me. “What the hell, Jackson? Were you even going to tell us? Or were you just going to not show up one day?”
“What the fuck is she talking about, Jackson?” Cal asks, his tone edging into pissed off enough to rival Kate’s.
I shoot a glare at my deputy chief. How fucking dare he share my personnel records with office staff. “Didn’t realize my personal info was so interesting. Guess I should’ve just sent a department-wide memo. Good to know there’s superior confidentiality down at HQ.”
He meets my hard stare and dips his chin. “I apologize. I’ll handle that problem. Immediately. Unfortunately, cat’s out of the bag, and what’s done is done. You might as well tell them. ”
I take in my crew. The medics I’ve come to trust stand side by side with arms akimbo. My partner steps in line with them and crosses his arms over his chest like he’s holding himself back.
Fuck. I don’t want to tell them. Don’t want their opinions, don’t want them to try to talk me out of it. Don’t want to talk about this decision, period. I’ve had this plan for so long; it’s too late to back out now.
“I got accepted to a wildland program out west and decided to go for it. It’ll be a long training program, but then I’ll be joining a crew. Out there.”
Cal’s shoulders rise and fall as he takes in a deep breath and expels it. Kate deflates before my eyes, and Leo just silently gives me a nod.
Silence falls in the space between this crew that’s had my back for nearly a year.
My mind races through all the practical jokes we played on each other when we were first assigned together.
How Jules had my back that night he got pinned by a tree, the endless hours of not knowing if he was going to be okay because I failed to take care of him.
“You’re sure about this?” Chief’s simple question breaks the tension.
Condensation beads down the side of the bottle, dripping onto the concrete floor at my feet.
I shuffle my foot over the small puddle, smearing it around.
This is it. Once I confirm, the decision will be final.
Turning in my resignation should’ve felt like this, but it didn’t feel real until now.
I’ll be replaced by some other asshole. Calls will still tone out.
They’ll still show up every day and run them.
It’s humbling to know I’m so unimportant.
But I set this goal over a decade ago, and the drive to meet it is beyond even me. It means more than friendship .
A guy died on my watch. I owe it to his memory to fulfill this dream. I meet Collins’s stare. “Yes, sir.”
His chin dips, and for a heartbeat, I feel his disappointment wash over me.
“Okay.” With that, he stands and stretches like we’ve just been having a regular old chat on a regular old day. He turns and claps a hand on my shoulder. “If you change your mind, if you get there and it doesn’t work out… We’ll have a place for you to come back to.”
Except it wouldn’t be with these people goes unsaid.
“Thanks, Chief.”
He drops a hand to Kate’s shoulder and gives it a squeeze. That’s when I notice the tears in her eyes. They cut through me like a dagger. He spins and claps Cal on the arm, nods at Leo, then walks out to his SUV with his hands in his pockets, leaving me to face the firing squad.
“Tell me this is some bullshit,” Cal demands.
“It’s not,” I answer softly.
“What about us?” Kate cries, clapping a hand to her chest, then flinging it wide, nearly punching Leo in her tirade. “What about Maggie? How does she feel about this?”
It’s jarring how upset Kate seems to be.
“Maggie supports me.” My quiet words seem to take the fire out of her fight. Her hands fall into fists at her side. Cal just watches, standing silently before me. Things haven’t been the greatest between us lately, and it’s partly my fault. I’ve pulled away because I knew I was leaving.
She spins and barks out, “I’m making a run. Get in the truck, Leo.”
“Uh, do you need me to dr?—”
“Get in the fucking truck.” Her voice echoes through the bay .
They leave as fast as a four-ton vehicle will allow, and then it’s just me and Cal.
He heaves a sigh and comes to sit beside me.
I wait for him to deliver whatever stinging words he needs to say. Minutes tick by. Outside the bay doors, normal life goes on. Cars pass by. The trees that line the edge of the field across from the station begin to shift and sway as clouds float across the blue sky.
“Looks like those pop-up storms might happen after all,” he mutters.
The weather . He wants to talk about the weather .
“Yep.”
“I’ll try to not get smacked by a tree limb if we get a call. Won’t have you there to look out for me for much longer. What do you say, let’s try to make the most of it while you’re here?”
If I’d been more on my toes, he wouldn’t have been hurt in the first place on that call. Instead, I had a few fleeting seconds of thinking my partner had died on my watch.
“Scared the shit out of me,” I admit.
He fucking chuckles. “I know. You should’ve seen your face.”
He doesn’t know that seeing him like that took me right back to high school and pulling T.J. out of the lake. Of hauling his lifeless body out of the water and performing useless CPR on his still form.
“I’ve been meaning to ask. What’d Jules say to you in that hospital?”
“Man, I don’t remember that shit. That whole night is a blur,” I lie.
Jules pulled me into a hug and whispered thank you.
She thanked me for letting her man get hurt.
A little part of me recognized that she was thanking me for being there for him.
But deep in my gut, I knew I’d been distracted.
I could’ve done more. Should’ve done more.
He stands and stalks to the open bay door, watching the world beyond our station, while I sit on pins and needles. Finally, he turns to face me, crushing his empty water bottle in his fists.
“You know what I think? I think that’s some bullshit. I think you’re carrying around some kind of fucked-up guilt over something you couldn’t control.” He balls the water bottle up and tosses it into the nearby trash can. “And fuck you for not having the balls to tell me you were leaving.”
Well. Fuck. That didn’t go as planned.