Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
Jackson
N ever figured I’d be back in the classroom, especially as an old guy trying to keep up with the young’uns, but here we are.
The drone of the instructor is almost enough to make me catatonic. If not for the massive energy drink I chugged before class, I’d probably be snoring right about now.
“Next week, be prepared to do some fieldwork and training,” the instructor says, then dismisses the class.
I gather my things slowly, dreading the prospect of spending yet another weekend holed up in my solitary dorm room.
The campus is small, and everyone in attendance is in the same program I’m in.
It allows us to study together and build relationships, to get some intense hands-on training. Almost like a bootcamp scenario.
But the thrill of being here, of starting this new adventure, is gone.
For starters, the program is nothing like I imagined it would be.
Secondly, it’s a whole lot more intense than I expected.
Though I loved the social aspect of high school back in the day, I hated the actual schoolwork and studying.
Nothing has changed in the decade I’ve been out of the classroom.
Kind of a stupid realization, since I’ve also hated the weeklong training classes I’ve taken over my years of being in the fire service.
Trudging across campus, I feel… old. Out of touch. Dreading the next few weeks, the next few months.
There’s nothing to look forward to, not even the prospect of getting out and fighting some fires firsthand, not studying the topography and learning all the different tools…
none of it is satisfying. To say I’m disappointed in my choice is an understatement.
Maybe it’s time to look for a different program.
“Yo! Georgia,” my suitemate, Thomas, calls as I enter my shithole room.
I hate that fucking nickname. Everyone here is known by nicknames at this point.
Thomas, a fresh-faced, barely twenty-one-year-old, gave me mine as soon as we were introduced.
Apparently, my Southern drawl gave me away, and I’ve been named for my home state ever since.
But every time I hear it, I’m reminded of who and what I left behind.
“A couple of us are headed into town for the night. You wanna come?”
Staying in and doing even more studying sounds horrible, but going out with a rowdy crew is the last thing I want to do. The last time I went out with them, I spent the entire night dodging young coeds—something Thomas and his crew indulged in. I have zero desire to hook up with anyone.
“Nah. I’m gonna hang here. Maybe find a trail to hike.”
“You’re never gonna get over being homesick if you mope around in the room,” Thomas—or Mouse, as he’s known around here—mutters from behind the T-shirt he’s changing into.
“I’m not moping,” I fire back a little harder than called for.
“Man, whatever.” It sounds like a fuck you.
Irritation rolls through me. To hell with this guy. “And I’m not homesick. I’m just more focused than you.”
“Sure. That’s why you can’t stop picking up your phone, checking it like you’re expecting a message and not seeing one. I hear the stupid sighs you think you hide. Enjoy your mopefest, and don’t wait up, Dad.” He shoves his keys into a pocket and slams the door on his way out.
The bed doesn’t move as I collapse onto it.
The floor might be more comfortable than this wooden slab of a mattress.
I drop an arm over my face, trying to shut out the light.
I don’t feel like studying. I don’t feel like doing anything other than lying here and focusing on my breathing so my mind doesn’t do its weird, trippy thing to the past.
A buzz on the mattress wakes me up. Alice’s name is not the one I was hoping to see, but I scramble to answer before it quits ringing anyway.
“’Lo?” I croak. It sounds like I’ve swallowed gravel and makes me wonder if I’m getting sick.
“Well, hello, stranger. I didn’t expect you to answer.”
“Did you just call to give me shit?” Scrubbing a hand over my face, I try to swipe away the sleep, then flop back into the piece of shit bed.
“No. Actually, I was just worried about you. You disappeared.”
I really should’ve called Alice before now. Leaving without a word was a dick move, but I don’t want to think about how things were when I left. “It was just time. But I’m sorry I left without a goodbye.”
“I’ve talked to Maggie, so I have an idea why you did. But I didn’t want things to go too long without reaching out. I figured I’d give you a few weeks to sort your shit out.” There’s a loaded, uncomfortable pause, and I brace for whatever’s about to come next. “So, are you okay?”
“Yeah.” The lie comes as easily as it ever has.
She starts a lengthy one-sided conversation, catching me up on all things back home, suspiciously avoiding details about the one person I actually want to know about. I don’t want to ask, but I need to know. “How are things at Maggie’s after the reunion?”
There. An innocuous question that will hopefully garner me the information I crave.
“Actually, I’ve moved, so I’m not sure.”
I go from flat on my back to pacing in a heartbeat. “What? Where? Why?” Oh fuck . Did Maggie’s fears come true? Did Alice get mad because Maggie and I had a fling? Is that why she moved out? Oh god, this makes it so much worse.
“Jesus.” Alice drawls the word out. “I figured this was the problem. You’ve got it bad for her, don’t you?”
“What the hell are you talking about? I asked about how things are doing at the bakery, and you jump to conclusions?”
My phone rings, showing Alice wants to switch to video call.
I join the call, dreading facing my sister, knowing she will see too much, but also understanding that if I decline, she’ll keep harassing me.
We made a pact after everything we went through with Harmony that we’d not shy away or shut each other out again.
And I’ve been shutting her out since before I left .
“You look like shit, brother. Also, thanks for answering. This is a conversation better had where we can see eye to eye. Anyway, what I wanted to say is, I caught the two of you together, and then before we even have a chance to talk about it, you disappear. I figured you were running away from something. Probably me. But I’ll tell you what I told her.
If the two of you wanted to be together, I wish you would’ve just said something.
” Her voice quivers the slightest bit, and she pauses, pinching her lips together.
After a beat, she inhales and continues, “I know things got rough after she-who-shall-not-be-named. But you and Maggie are perfect for each other. I would’ve given you my blessing. ”
I can’t look at my sister. I don’t deserve this level of acceptance from her and can’t stand to see the emotion written all over her face.
Seeking any means of avoiding eye contact, I go to the kitchen and prop the phone up so I can at least step off camera under the guise of grabbing a glass of water.
“Okay, no response. Fine. Next topic.” At least her voice finally has her normal snark in it.
“Jesus, I just woke up, and I’m getting a drink.” When it feels like I’ve stalled as long as possible, I grab the phone and take it to the uncomfortable sitting chair I’ve claimed. “Okay, next topic.”
“I was calling to tell you I moved. To Atlanta. With my girlfriend.”
“What about Maggie?”
“What about her?”
“You just left her behind? Alone?”
“Well, considering she’s not gay and we aren’t looking for a third, we didn’t think she’d want to up and leave everything behind.” Her tone quiets, and she avoids looking at me. “Plus, Stella and I were having a moment, but then she decided to move to Georgia. With me.”
Finally, what she’s saying registers. But she can wait for my real response because Alice is acting like this is some kind of huge deal, and she’s been giving me shit the entirety of this phone call, so a little payback is due. “Okay.”
“What do you mean okay ?”
I shrug. “What reaction do you want, Alice?”
“I want you to talk to me. How do you feel knowing your sister is gay?”
The sun has shifted in the sky, and my room is growing dark, so I lean over and flip on a lamp. Maybe if she can see my face better, she’ll understand that I have no reaction. “Alice, who you love is none of my business as long as she’s good to you.”
Tears well in her eyes. “Really?”
“Fuck, don’t cry. Yes, really. I mean, I get why it’d be hard to come out—people can be assholes. But you’re my sister, and who you love doesn’t change that.”
Her throat works as she pauses, blinking rapidly at something off-screen, trying to get her emotions under control.
Fuck, we are so much alike it’s scary. Both avoiding showing how we feel.
I imagine she’s just seen the same kind of reaction from me, and it’s eye-opening and makes me soften my next words.
“Alice, look at me.” I wait until she gives me her eyes. “We don’t say it enough, and things haven’t always been the greatest between us. But you’re my baby sister, and I do love you and support you.”
That earns me a watery smile. “Thanks. That means a lot.”
She tells me about Stella, who eventually jumps on-screen and says hello.
There are a ton of questions I have for Alice, but she was obviously scared to share this part of her life with me, and I’m not going to ask some dumbass question that’ll make her feel like I don’t approve or that’ll come across as insensitive.
In time, my stomach growls loudly enough for Alice to hear.
“Oh my god, are you starving or something?”
“Yeah, I’ve been too busy to eat like normal. Plus, the food here isn’t the greatest.” The truth is, I haven’t had much of an appetite lately.
“Are you liking the program?” That question leads us into more neutral territory, and I breathe a little easier.
“Yeah. Sure, it’s great.” It comes out a little too enthusiastic.