Chapter 19 #3
I shoot Annika a grateful look, because I am assuredly not at the teasing stage. "Yes. We…connected, physically. It was very, very intense. Emotional…in a way I didn't know it could be."
Naomi rests her cheek on the top of my head, which rests on her shoulder. "That's the best kind, isn't it? Where you feel like…gosh, how do you even describe it?"
"It's not just a physical connection," Myka says. "It's your souls…merging. Having grown up in a spiritual, religious family, to me, I still think of it as…touching a part of the divine, I suppose."
"Making love with your bodies," Tatiana says. "But the deeper connection is from heart to heart. Becoming one flesh, as your Christian Bible puts it."
"Exactly," I say. "That's how it was. And it was so beautiful. But…" I trail off, wondering if I'm really going to share this with them.
"But what, honey?" Terra asks. "C'mon, now. Don't be shy. No matter what it is, I promise you, we'll understand."
"We took a nap. And I woke up…" I trail off again, start over. "I woke up wanting to…to do something for him."
Myka grins at me over the top of her drink, which she's been nursing. "Ohhhh girl, I know that feeling."
"You…do?" I say.
"Sure. If Ren is anything like Rev, let's just say I'm gonna assume he gets off almost as much from giving as he does getting.
" She glances at me for confirmation. "Makes sure you come several times for every one time he does.
And you wake up and you wanna show him how grateful you are, and he's naked and his big, beautiful cock is just right there, begging you to pay attention to it?”
"And all of a sudden, you've got that thang in your mouth," Terra says, picking up where Myka stopped, "And he's waking up like, what's even happening right now?"
I stare from woman to woman. "Yes that's….yes."
"But you've got to have some pretty major hangups about giving head, considering what your evil ex did to you," Annika says.
I nod. "I do. Even thinking about…" I hesitate, and then find the words pouring out. "Even thinking about putting his…putting him in my mouth, I…" I shake my head. "It scared me senseless.”
“Of course it did," Myka says. "And I don't know him that well, but I can't imagine he'd ever try to make you feel pressured."
"No!" I protest. “No. Not at all. The exact opposite. He made it clear that was something he'd never push for. He knew what Rafa was like. He worked for him, after all. He saw things I know he'll never talk about.”
"So what'd you do?" Scarlett asks. "Because I don't know how I'd be able to get past that."
“Well, I…" I shrug. "It was made a little easier by the fact that up to that point, every other part of sex that I had fears about—which was everything—turned out to be nothing to be afraid of." I frown. "I'm not certain if that made any sense. It feels rather convoluted."
"We follow you," Tatiana assures me.
"I…earlier, during sex," I drop my voice. "I did it. A little bit. Just for a moment, before he stopped me. Used my mouth on him, I mean. But that was in the middle of things, you know? It's much easier when you're already aroused, is it not?"
“Hell yeah it is," Terra says. "Going down on a guy, especially a well-endowed one? It can be a little intimidating. The first time, at least. You don't know what he's gonna do, how he's gonna respond."
I blink at her, curiosity overriding politeness. "Him being Saxon? Or him being all men?"
She smiles at me. "Meaning it sounds like I know that from experience with a lot of different men?"
"Well…" I say, hesitating to admit that she's right.
She just laughs. "Oh, Soph. You know the boys' backgrounds, but you clearly don't know ours. I was a ho."
"Terra, I would never pass judgment," I say.
"Oh, I know. Me either—that's not a judgement call on myself, it's just facts. I went through a phase in life where I was pretty fuckin’ promiscuous. I got no problem talking about it. Ask me anything, babe."
"Can I ask why?" I say, after a moment of thought.
"Why was I a slut?" She shrugs. "Psychologists and therapists call it hyper-expression of sexuality in response to sexual trauma during one's formative years."
I frown. "English is not my first language and I'm kind of stoned."
"I was raped when I was really young by a couple of my father's friends. It fucked with my head hard.” Hahd.
“I spent a few years hating men and hating myself and hiding my body and cutting and all that shit.
And eventually, with my best friend Emily's help, I was able to move past all that.
Discovered self-pleasure first, and then eventually sex with dudes.
And once I started fuckin', it was off to the races.
Couldn't get enough. Provin' somethin' to myself, I guess.
" Her South Boston accent is more pronounced as the evening wears on.
"An’ now I got my Saxy-boy, and I can't get enough off him and his giant, magical lingy-whatsit. "
"Lingam," Anjalee corrects.
“Yeah, that."
I nod. "I understand. I…well, I never went through a hyper-expression phase. But I can understand how such a reaction would occur."
Terra nods. "It's different with Saxon, though."
"How?"
"Well, it's…deeper. When I was sleepin' around, it didn't mean nothin'.
It was for me. It was…I guess partly to prove that I had the power.
I could choose who, when, where, how, how long, and what we did.
When we stopped. I'd play with 'em, y'know?
Tease 'em. Fuck wit' their heads. I followed through, because I ain't a bitch, but it was fun to play.
It let me feel comfortable to have that control.
With Saxon, there ain't no games. It's just him and me.
My heart and his. My body and his. It means somethin'.
It means fuckin' everything. But…" she grins, shrugging.
"It don't always have to mean somethin'.
I took Saxon into our room and sucked his brains out through his dick just because I wanted to.
I enjoy it. It's fun. I thought I had Anni here fooled, but I guess not, and now she's gonna try an' murder me through exercise.
Maybe she can do what I never could, though. "
Annika frowns, puzzled. "That being what?"
Terra stands up, facing away, grabs her admittedly rather large bottom, and gives it a good shaking. "Tighten up this Jell-O."
Annika cackles. "I can do that. You won't like it, but I can do it. The real question is how Saxon will feel about it."
"Saxy-baby?" Terra calls, glancing over her shoulder.
"Yo!"
"How'd you feel if Annika helped me tighten up my giant, flabby ass?"
"FUCK NO!" Saxon shouts back. "Don't ruin the magic!"
Terra laughs. “See?."
"Saxon!" Annika calls.
"Annika?"
"What if it's not smaller, just tighter?"
"Acceptable!"
Terra flings her arms out, palms up, and then slaps them against her thighs. "Dammmit. Saxon, you suck! You were supposed to get me out of my end of the wager."
He crosses the room to the female side, steps up, onto, and over the couch without breaking stride, and presses up against Terra from behind.
"Terra, babe, I was just fuckin' with you, you know that, right?
You are fuckin' everything to me, exactly as you are.
You wanna work out with Anni, get your ass all tight?
Great, baby. Love it. You don't? Perfect. "
Terra sighs, turning in his arms. "I know, I know. I just lost a bet and now I have to let Annika kick my ass in the gym."
"What bet?" Saxon asks.
She gives a cutesy, aw-shucks shrug. "Um, well, when I pulled you into our room, you were supposed to stop me before you blew your load so we could screw, but I sorta got carried away."
“That doesn't explain anything, babe."
She pushes him back toward the guy side.
"Don't worry about it. Go back to the boys so we can keep having girl talk.
" She sits back down and turns to me. "Look, Soph.
There's no right or wrong to any of this.
My journey is mine, yours is yours. Life experience is subjective.
If going down on Lorenzo is hard for you, don't do it.
I like it. I enjoy doing it. I like how he is when I've got him right on the edge, you know?
All gooey-brained and stupid. But that may not be you. And that's fine."
I shake my head, smirking. "I did it. I went down on him. And…I…" I drop my voice. "I liked it. Like you said. I was scared to start it, scared I’d have a flashback or something. I knew Ren wouldn't be like Rafa was, but the fear doesn't know that."
"No," Terra agrees. "It sure the fuck does not." She grins at me. "So, you liked it."
I bite my lip, nodding, not quite hiding an embarrassed grin.
"I did. Like you said, it was…I…I really got into it, way more than I was expecting to.
Obviously, you don't get any, like, physical pleasure out of it, but with Ren, it didn't hurt.
I didn't feel degraded. I felt powerful. I felt…in control."
"Knowing you have agency and control during sex is a big-ass mothafuckin’ imperative," Terra says.
"God, yes," Scarlett agrees. "But, also, speaking as a strong woman with a big personality and a need for control, there's something to be said for trusting and loving your partner enough to be able to give up that control and surrender to him.
To just…let go, not be in control, at all.
It's scary as fuck at first, especially for women like us, Sophia.
I don't even like being a passenger in a car because I'm not in control. "