41. JT #2
My hand flew to my chest, and as he slowly got to his feet, I reached for the door handle.
What the hell is he doing here?
“Hey,” West said, as I tried to locate my tongue, my words, my brain . But seeing him there in my room, sitting on my bed, immediately transported me back to the first night he’d stayed with me. The first night I’d fallen asleep in his arms.
He didn’t look half as put together as he had that night: his pants were crumpled, his shirt half hanging out at the waist as though he’d slept in it, and his usually styled hair looked a mess, as though he’d been pulling at it—or someone else had—and that thought made me want to throw up.
“I was hoping you’d be home tonight.” He continued on as though there was no gaping hole where he’d ripped away any and all trust that had been built between us. “But I have to admit, I was starting to have my doubts after the sun went—”
“What are you doing in here?” I cut him off, finally finding my words. “ How are you in here?”
West slipped his hands in his pockets and gave a small shrug. “George.”
Of course. I wasn’t sure why I was so surprised. If he could get in the building, my room would be a breeze.
I shook my head and curled my fingers around the handle. “Well, allow me to show you out.” I pulled open the door.
West looked past me and out into the hall, then brought his eyes back to mine.
“Thanks, but I’m not quite ready to leave yet.”
I blinked, not sure I’d heard him right. “You’re not quite ready ?”
“Right. You see…” He took a step forward, but when I stiffened and straightened my shoulders, he stopped. “I came here to do something, and I’m not going to leave until I’ve done it.”
Unbelievable. The arrogance of him. The gall. After everything he’d done, everything he’d put me through, he had the nerve to tell me what he was going to do in my dorm room?
I didn’t think so.
I opened my mouth, about to blast him, but before the words could come out, he said, “I owe you an apology.”
Excuse me, what ?
All of the anger that I’d been preparing to once again unleash on him slowly fizzled out at his words and earnest stare. But I was well aware of what a good show West could put on when he wanted to, and I wouldn’t believe him just because he was looking at me with eyes I wanted to lose myself in.
No, sir. Not this time. I was not going to fall for his smooth tongue and pretty lies.
“Please, JT.” West’s voice was soft, as though he were trying to soothe a wild animal. “Let me talk to you. Let me apologize.”
“And why would I do that?”
“I don’t know.” He shook his head. “Because you’re a better person than I am.”
“That’s true.”
West nodded and looked to his feet, and for the first time since I’d known him, he looked unsure of himself.
“I know I don’t deserve any of your time”—he had that right—“but please, JT, let me say this.”
My heart warred with my brain as I looked at him, and though every instinct told me to throw him out and lock the door on this chapter of my life, I couldn’t find it in myself to be that cruel.
I let out a breath and slowly shut the door, then crossed my arms. At least that way I had something between him and my chest if he aimed at it again.
“Okay, I’m listening.”
West nodded, and when he raised his head, I was shocked to see his eyes were a little glassy—probably from lack of sleep.
“Everything you said to me in the courtyard yesterday was true—”
“I know.”
West’s teeth clicked as though biting back a response, and I arched a brow, waiting.
“What I mean to say is, I’m sorry my friends and I are such dickheads. That we even thought of or came up with the stupid…” He trailed off, waving his hand through the air, but I wasn’t about to let him weasel out of it that easy.
“Bet.”
West’s eyes locked on mine, and I took a step forward.
“You came up with a bet to fuck me.” When he just blinked at me, I added, “If you’re going to apologize, you need to acknowledge what it is you’re apologizing for.”
He swallowed, and color bloomed on his cheeks. Good—he should feel humiliated about the way they acted, the way they treated me, because that was exactly how he’d made me feel.
“I’m sorry we came up with a bet for me to fuck you. Corrupt you, actually.”
I forced myself to breathe. “ Corrupt? ”
“What better way to get payback on the dean for my suspension than to bring her golden child to our dark side?”
I could barely hear him over the blood rushing in my ears. “From what I heard, you earned it. You broke into her office and trashed the place.”
West opened his mouth to respond, but then snapped it shut.
“What?” I said. “Going to deny it?”
“No. We flipped over all the furniture as a prank, but trashed is a strong word.”
“And that’s supposed to be a joke to you?”
A sigh left him as he ran a hand through his hair.
“Look, I know she’s your mom, but she’d had it out for us since we started at Astor.
We’re privileged assholes she has to put up with; I get it.
Did we pull some stupid shit to liven things up around campus because of it? Sure. But it was all harmless stuff.”
“So what you did to me,” I said slowly. “That was harmless?”
He swallowed. “No. It was thoughtless and cruel. The kind of thing selfish, bored, rich shits do because they can. But just because I can do something doesn’t mean I should, and I never should’ve let them—or myself—do what we did to you. ”
I bit the inside of my cheek, trying not to give him the satisfaction of seeing how his words affected me. But with the way I could feel my chin shake, I knew that would be a losing battle.
He approached me slowly. “JT, you got caught up in something that had nothing to do with you, something stupid and impulsive. Something I’ll regret every fucking day of my life. I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry.”
West’s face blurred as I stared at him, and I realized I was fighting back tears. But hearing him admit it, hearing him say all that I was to him out loud, hurt more than I’d ever thought possible.
“I never meant for it to get this out of hand,” he said.
“Out of hand?” I shook my head, and as a tear slipped free, I quickly reached up to brush it away.
“How does a bet get out of hand, West? You had a mission, a goal. You came after me, befriended me, made me fall for you, and you won. It didn’t get out of hand.
Everything worked out exactly as it was supposed to—”
“Except my falling for you.”
“No. I can’t… I can’t do this.” I put up a hand, and West took hold of it, closing the distance between us.
“But it’s true. Somewhere between the moment I saw you in your mom’s office to the second I sat down beside you that first class, you had me.
I was expecting some na?ve kid who was determined to play by the rules in case his mommy found out.
But you were nothing like that. You were sexy and fun and were willing to risk your ass by sneaking out of your room just to hang out with me, and the more time we spent together, the more I realized how much I want to be around you.
How much I care about you. You, JT, not some stupid fucking bet. ”
I shook my head and pulled my hand free. “I don’t want to hear this.”
“But I need you to hear it. I need you to know that I miss having coffee with you, talking to you, kissing you… Nothing replaces that, especially not winning something so stupid.”
“You hurt me,” I whispered.
“I know. I’m sorry. So fucking sorry I hurt you—that was the last thing I ever wanted.”
I nodded. “I believe you. But it’s not enough.” Then I bit down on my lip and reached for the door handle. “Goodbye, West.”
“But…” His face fell as his gaze roamed over me, but I was careful to keep my emotions to myself.
I was too vulnerable. Too close to caving.
Then he stepped out the door, and I closed it behind him and finally let the tears fall free.