16. Anders #2
“I hadn’t intended on asking for permission,” he says, stone-faced.
“What if you wanted to be involved in every aspect of her life, right down to being in the bathroom with her?”
“Providing care is…” Pausing, he considers his words. “A love language.”
“What if that was a hard limit for her?”
“Is it?” he asks.
“Is it what?” I question.
“A hard limit for your person?” he asks, refusing to continue my hypothetical conversation about his wife when it’s obvious to both of us that I’ve been talking about my own situation this entire time.
Blinking, my lips fall open, but no words come out. When Henry and I discussed limits, he said he was unsure of his, but that he agreed with all of my own personal limits. He never suggested that my control was an issue for him.
“What if he doesn’t know his limits?” I ask, realizing that I’ve just admitted that my person is a man.
“Did you ask him?” Knight asks simply, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
“Well, no, but…”
“Anders, I’m a very controlled person. Control is the only way the world around me makes sense. I’m rigid, single-minded, and extreme in my convictions. I believe that my perfect doll will understand and embrace who I am, just like I intend to embrace who she is.”
“Have your past partners embraced who you are?” I ask a little tartly.
“I’ve never had a partner before,” he answers honestly.
“You’ve never been in a relationship?”
“No.”
“Have you dated? Had one-night stands? Fucked anyone?” I’m being an asshole, but he doesn’t call me on it. Instead, he shrugs.
“I’ve had sex, with both men and women, but no, I’ve never had a relationship until now.”
Scrubbing my face with my hands, I exhale. “What if she doesn’t embrace you?” I question. “What if who you are hurts her, damages her?”
“Anders, why do you believe your need for control would hurt him?” he asks bluntly, not bothering to hide behind pretense.
“My ex. We met at a club.”
“A…sex club?” Knight questions, his brow arched in curiosity.
“Yes. It was a BDSM club, and he was a submissive. We started off just doing scenes in the club, then we decided to start a relationship in the real world. We moved in together; we had a life together and then he broke it off. He told me the level of control I needed was abusive, that I’d abused my position as his Dom.
” My heart races as I admit my darkest secret and my biggest shame.
Knight’s expression is thoughtful, though not disgusted like I’d expected. “Did you hurt him physically?” he asks.
“No,” I yell. “Never.”
“Did you use money to control him?”
“No.”
“Did you isolate him from his friends and family?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Can you explain?” Pausing, he swallows. “The abuse.”
“I didn’t like him going to the club without me,” I admit.
“The sex club?”
“Yes.”
“What else?”
“I felt it was safer if we made each other aware of where we were going and how long we’d be.”
“Okay. What else?”
“I wanted to spend our spare time together.”
“Anders,” he says, his tone changing. “Tell me what you did to abuse him, because so far nothing you’ve mentioned is something I’d consider abuse if it wasn’t combined with an unreasonable level of control, which you said wasn’t physical or monetary.
Did you ever stop him from leaving your home?
Did you ever take his car keys or refuse to allow him to see his friends?
Did you set a rule that forbade him from living the life he was living before you started your relationship? ”
“I’m not a monster,” I say quietly.
“No, you’re not,” Knight says with a level of certainty that shocks me.
Silent, I stare at my friend, unsure what to say.
“What is the name of your man?” he asks.
“Henry.”
“From the garage?”
I nod. “He’s so young. He was a virgin.”
“Let me ask you a question,” Knight says.
“Okay.”
“If I invited Henry out to the bar for a beer, would you stop him from going?”
“No,” I answer immediately.
“Would you insist he abide by a set of rules?”
“Possibly,” I admit.
“What rules would those be?”
“Don’t accept drinks from strangers. Don’t drink too much. That I’d drop you both off and pick you up again unless someone was a designated DD.”
“Would your rules have been different for your ex?” he questions.
I think back to when Gabe and I were together.
He enjoyed going out to gay bars and clubs and regularly stayed out till the early hours of the morning.
His only rules were that he was not to get into a taxi alone, that he would call me if he needed a ride, regardless of the time, and that he not do drugs.
“No.”
“If Penn asked Henry to work late, or on a Saturday, would you let him?”
“Of course I would. If he wanted to give up working, I’d be more than happy to support him, but as I think that’s unlikely, I’d never stand in the way of his job.”
“And for Gabe? Same rules?”
Gabe was a freelance photographer, his job took him all over the country shooting anything from gardens to home décor to weddings. When he had a bad shoot or a crappy client, I’d offer to make him a kept man, but I never got involved in his work.
“Yes, the same,” I confirm.
“Would any rules apply?”
“Just the basics. I like to text good morning and good night, and I asked him to let me know where his shoots were and that he got there okay.”
“Did he have any rules for you?”
“Our job is dangerous, he’d worry if he didn’t hear from me after I’d gotten back from a call, so he liked me to text him just to let him know I was safe.”
Knight nods. “Did you have joint checking accounts? Did you split the rent when you lived together?”
“No, we each had our own bank accounts, and when he moved in with me, I paid the rent. I paid all the bills.”
“Did you have rules about money?” he probes.
I shake my head. “No.”
“Sexually, were you compatible? I’m assuming you used a safe word or the traffic light system during your sexual encounters?”
“We were very sexually compatible; he was a bratty sub who enjoyed being…” I force out the words. “Forced to submit. And I enjoyed forcing him.”
“Was it always a scene? Did you have spontaneous sex without the Dom-sub aspect?”
“We only ever scened at the club. At home I was in charge, but it was different.”
“Did you ever rape him? Force him to do something he didn’t want to? Did he use his safe word often?”
Fury burns through me as I straighten to my full height. “Are you fucking serious? Of course I never raped him.”
“And his safe word? How many times did he use it to stop a sexual encounter?”
“Never.”
“Never?” he questions, his brow raised in disbelief.
“Never. His limits were a little more intense than mine, and we never did anything that ever got close to him using his safe word.”
“So let me get this right. You never raped him or sexually intimidated him into doing something he didn’t want to. He had his own money but didn’t contribute anything to your joint living costs, despite holding down a job. He had friends and an active social life. Were you verbally abusive?”
“No, name calling is not my kink,” I say mulishly.
“Brother, unless you’re downplaying this to make yourself sound better, I’m still yet to see what it is that you did that could be considered abuse. Did you have rules that were unreasonable or impossible to follow? Did you have punishments in place if he broke a rule?”
“No, we didn’t have that kind of relationship.”
“Are you still in contact with him?”
“No,” I shout.
“What was his name? Gabe…”
“Campbell.”
“Where were you living?”
“San Francisco.”
“How old was he, what did he do?” Knight questions.
“He was two years older than me, so I guess he’d be thirty-seven now. He was a photographer.”
Nodding, Knight pulls his cell from his pocket and starts tapping at the screen. A few moments pass before he brings his cell to his ear, and I watch in stunned silence as he says the words.
“Hello, I’m trying to reach Gabe Campbell.”
My stomach drops, and a wave of nausea fills my mouth with saliva. Lurching forward, I reach for the cell, ready to slap it out of Knight’s hand, but he spins, effortlessly avoiding my attack.
“You don’t know me, my name is Knight Taylor. I work with someone you were in a relationship with, Anders Johansen. Do you remember him?”
I reach for the cell again, but Knight pushes me away, pulling the cell from his ear and pressing a button. Seconds later Gabe’s familiar voice bursts from the speakers, making my gut tighten and static buzz in my ears.
“Anders. Wow, that was a long time ago. Is he okay?” Gabe asks.
“Anders is fine.”
“Oh, that’s good. Jesus, I thought you were going to say he was dead or something, he’s actually on my list, so this is weird timing.”
“Your list?” Knight questions.
“Step eight.”
“You’re in the program,” Knight says, not making it a question.
“Nearly two years sober,” he says, sounding proud.
“Can I ask why Anders would be on your list?” Knight prompts, while I stand, frozen to the floor, desperate to hear what Gabe has to say, but almost as desperate not to.
Gabe sighs. “I was a mess when he and I met. We were both members at a BDSM club, he was a Dom looking for someone who would submit to him, and I was a messed-up asshole, using submission as a Band-Aid for a much bigger issue.”
“You lived together, is that correct?” Knight asks.
Gabe chuckles humorlessly. “I’d gotten kicked out of my place.
I spent the rent money on coke, then offered to pay my landlord in blow jobs.
Until then, Anders and I had just scened at the club.
I knew he liked me, so I suggested we try a relationship in real life.
He took me home, and I just didn’t leave. ”
“Gabe, excuse me, but I’m a little confused. My understanding is that your relationship broke down because Anders was abusive to you.”
Gabe’s audible exhale has me holding my breath for what he’ll say next.
“Jesus, I told him that, didn’t I? God, I’d forgotten about that.
We weren’t together long, three, four months, maybe a little more.
He was a real Dom, not a wannabe. He wanted to take care of me, he wanted to set boundaries and use safe words and plan a future for us, and I wanted to take coke and pills and dance until four in the morning.
I was a mess back then, and one day he offered to drive me to the club to meet my friends.
He always worried if I took a cab alone, so he said he’d come and pick me up when I was ready to come home, that it didn’t matter what time it was, if I needed him, he’d come.
I took a bunch of pills, did lines of coke in a toilet stall, then let a group of men run a train on me, while he sat at home waiting for me to come back.
“By the time I’d sobered up, the guilt, the drugs, the alcohol…
it was too much, and I knew I had to end it with him.
He would have wanted to help. He would have forgiven me for letting five random dudes fuck me in a dirty bathroom.
He would have wanted me to go to rehab and get clean, and I didn’t want that.
I didn’t want his help, so I told him it was over.
I told him he was suffocating me. I told him that his need for control was toxic, that he was using his power over me as a Dom to abuse me, then I packed my things and left. ”
Both Knight and I listen with rapt attention as he speaks, but I don’t process what he’s saying until Knight says, “So, you’re saying you lied. That Anders wasn’t ever abusive toward you.”
“No, he was a good guy. One of the really good guys, too good for me, and I knew it. He’s a Dom, but he was more of a bossy teddy bear, a caregiver.
He could never be abusive, he knew that.
He knew that I said all those things so he’d let me leave, so he wouldn’t feel guilty for letting me dig my own grave. ”
My heart is beating so hard I can feel it in my throat.
“Gabe, he didn’t know,” Knight says, then hits the screen with his fingers and ends the call.
Turning to me, his expression is neutral, but his eyes are screaming with anger and sympathy.
“I don’t…I don’t.” I mutter, struggling to find the words.
“You did not abuse your ex-boyfriend, Anders. He was a drug addict who made a stupid decision to push you away because he had a disease and he didn’t want to drag you down with him. You did nothing wrong,” Knight says slowly.
“No. I did. I was abusive. I smothered him. I controlled him. I abused him.”
“No, brother, that was a lie, it was all a lie.”
My knees give way, and I sink to the floor, all of the air suddenly gone from my lungs. I don’t know how to process this. The dissolution of my relationship with Gabe has shaped my life ever since. It’s impacted my relationship, changed me as a person, and it was all a lie.
Instead of saying anything, Knight sits down beside me and rests his hand on my shoulder, squeezing me while my entire world spins on its axis and resettles in a place where everything is exactly the way it was, but completely different all at the same time.