18. Anders
EIGHTEEN
ANDERS
My boy is a messy drunk.
After he shut the door in my face last night, I stood outside hoping he’d change his mind for over an hour. But after the light went off in the apartment, it didn’t come back on, and I finally gave up and drove home.
I know I could have been more insistent, I could have forced my way inside, but I didn’t want to do that because he has every right to be mad at me. I’m an asshole. I pushed all of my issues onto him, and I didn’t even explain why.
I didn’t tell him about Gabe. I never explained my fears or asked about his. In short, I saw him, I wanted him, I fucked him, then I fucked up and ran away instead of acting like a man and dealing with my issues head-on.
This morning when I got to base, I was like a bear with a sore head, sulking and angry in equal measure.
“What the fuck is up with you?” my boss Buck asked.
“Nothing. I’m fine, just sick of this place being a fucking mess when we get on shift. We don’t leave it like this.”
Buck’s eyes moved from side to side, searching for the mess I was bitching about and failing to find it. Because apart from a small pile of car magazines on the large dining table we all eat around, the base was, as usual, tidy and uncluttered.
“My office,” Buck ordered, his voice brooking no arguments.
Exhaling wearily, I’d followed him out of the mess and down the corridor to his office. Ushering me inside, he’d closed the door behind us, then gestured for me to sit in one of the two open seats in front of his desk while he took the one behind it.
Buck is a couple of years younger than me, an inch or two taller, and a similar build. He’s a good guy and a great boss, all of which only combines to make me feel even more pathetic to be sitting before him like I’ve been hauled into the principal’s office.
“Okay, it’s just us. Want to tell me what’s bugging you and if it’s going to be a problem?” he’d asked bluntly.
Scrubbing my hand over my face, I exhaled. “It’s a personal problem. I’ll get my head on straight and be all work. I’ll be fine.”
Nodding, Buck stared at me, waiting for more, and even though I hadn’t planned to talk to him, the words burst forth, pouring from me. “I met someone.”
“Okay.”
“A man.”
“Okay,” Buck repeated.
I don’t know why I’m surprised by my friend’s non-reaction. Being bi or gay isn’t taboo anymore, but I’ve always felt that twinge of fear whenever I say it aloud, bracing myself for hate and rejection.
“It’s complicated…” I trailed off pathetically.
“This town got to you, didn’t it?” he’d asked with a smirk. “So, this guy, have you told him he’s yours?”
I nod.
“And…” he’d prompted.
“He’s young and…innocent. I have baggage, and I fucked up.”
“You hurt him?”
Sighing, I nodded. “I broke it off.”
“And now you’ve realized you’re an idiot?”
I nodded again. “Pretty much. I had a relationship with a guy a while back. Things were intense, I—” I try to decide how to describe being a dominant without sounding like I’m quoting from an erotic novel. “Like control, and he liked to be…controlled.”
“You had a power exchange situation,” Buck said knowingly…familiarly.
“Yes. It started off at a club, then he moved in with me. He ended things. He said I smothered him. That I was too controlling.” My voice broke. “That I was abusive.”
“Fuck,” Buck said beneath his breath.
“I didn’t know. I went to therapy. I did the work to make sure it’d never happen again. Then I met Henry.”
“You’re worried history is repeating itself,” he’d said, not phrasing it as a question.
“Yes. So, I broke it off with him. I know he’s it for me, but I never want to be that. I never want to do that to him of all people.” I lifted my hand and scrubbed at my face. “I left him. I went home and drank myself into a stupor, then when I couldn’t settle, I went and saw Knight.”
Buck’s lips twitched into a small grin. “And?”
“I told him everything. Then he asked for my ex’s name, and he fucking called him.”
“Who, Henry?” Buck asked.
“No, Gabe, my ex.”
“Fuck. What happened?”
“He spoke to Gabe.”
“And.”
“Gabe said that back then he’d been a mess.
Taking too many drugs, partying too much.
I must have been blind to it, because I had no idea he was even into drugs.
Gabe told Knight that he’d gone out one night, got messed up and cheated on me with multiple people.
Then he’d come home and broken up with me.
He told me I’d been abusive because he thought if he told me the truth I’d have forgiven him.
He knew I’d have stayed with him and wanted to help him, so he said something that he knew would make me walk away.
He said he thought I’d know it was all a lie, because I could never be abusive.
” My voice was barely a whisper by the time I’d finished talking.
My eyes stung with unshed tears and my chest felt tight like there wasn’t enough air in my lungs.
“But you didn’t know?” Buck surmised.
I shook my head. “No. I didn’t know.”
“Fuck,” Buck hissed. “So, all this time.”
“I’ve thought I was an abusive asshole who used my need for control to take advantage of my ex. Yeah.”
“Have you told Henry?”
“I went to see him last night.”
“And…”
“I told him I was sorry. I asked him to forgive me. He said no and shut the door in my face.”
Buck sucked air through his teeth and winced. “Do you need some time off to fix things with him?”
I shook my head. “I think giving him a little space might be for the best right now. Since I met him, I’ve been warning him off me.
Telling him that I’ll ruin him, hurt him, and smother him.
If I storm down there now and force my way into his apartment, I’m doing exactly what I threatened to do, and I don’t want to do that. ”
“I respect that, but I don’t want you out in the field distracted, so unless we have an all-hands-on-deck emergency, you can stay at base and keep things going here. If you change your mind about the time off, you just let me know.”
As frustrated as I was to be benched, I understood his reasoning. “Thanks, boss.”
The rest of the day had been quiet, no callouts and mainly routine maintenance. Then Danny mentioned that the girls planned to meet for dinner in town and that they intended on inviting Henry to join them.
Luckily for me, my brothers are as obsessed with their significant others as I am with my Kitten, so it didn’t take long for pictures and messages to start being received.
“Tori and James are drunk,” Nero announces with a laugh, his cell in his hand as he turns the screen to show us the most recent picture he’d received.
Trying not to look like I’m too interested, I peer over Nero’s shoulder, and my heart leaps in my chest at the sight of Henry, squashed between Parker and Tori, all three of them grinning drunkenly.
“How are they getting home? I thought Tori was the DD?” Oz growls, typing out a fast text on his cell.
“I already asked Cody to go and get them,” Buck announces, chuckling to himself as he reads something on his own cell.
“What about Henry?” I say without thought.
“Cody’s going to make sure he gets home safe too,” Buck says, flashing me a knowing look.
“Who’s Henry?” Warrick asks.
“He’s Anders’s fiancé,” Knight announces bluntly.
Five sets of eyes all turn my way, some shocked, some curious.
“You got engaged, bro?” Oz asks.
“No, I didn’t.”
“Then who is Henry?” Warrick asks again. Out of the seven of us, Warrick is probably the most standoffish. He’s my friend, my brother, but although I know he’d be there for me if I needed him, he’s a little aloof.
“He’s mine,” I say, throwing the truth out there, because if I can’t tell these men, then who the fuck can I tell?
“Is he a pretty boy? I can picture you with a pretty boy.” Nero laughs playfully, immediately breaking the tension of the moment, just like he intended.
“Fuck you. Maybe I’m the pretty one,” I banter back.
“He told Parks that he thinks you look like a Viking.” Danny smirks.
“Viking.” Warrick nods. “I see that. Are you planning on introducing him to us anytime soon? Or are you hiding him?”
“I’m not hiding him,” I lie. “But he’s not talking to me right now. Once I straighten things out, I’ll bring him up so you guys can all officially meet him.”
I brace for more questions, but they don’t come and I’m grateful. I’m too fragile to explain my past right now.
Opening my texting app, I type out a quick message to Cody.
Me: Hey Bro, Buck said you’re picking the girls up and driving them back up the mountain. Henry is mine, I’d appreciate you making sure he gets back to his apartment safe.
Cody: Yours?
Me: Mine.
Cody: Am I taking him to your place?
Me: If he wants to go there, absolutely. There’s a spare key beneath the plant pot by the front door. But he’s pissed at me right now, so I think he’d prefer to go to his new place.
Cody: Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he’s safe.
Me: Thanks.
Cody: Any time.
The others all receive regular pictures, texts, and videos from their significant others, but my cell stays conspicuously silent. I consider texting him, but I’m not sure if his drunken honesty would be a good or bad thing right now.
An hour later, my cell starts to ring, and when I lift it, I find Cody Barnett’s number on the screen. Answering immediately, I bring my cell to my ear.
“Is he okay?” I ask.
“He’s puking his guts up right now, and he barely made it up the steps to his apartment.
I offered to drive him to your place, but he was pretty adamant he didn’t want to go.
Beau is on his way to drive the others back up the mountain so I can stay with him, but…
” He trails off, waiting to see what I’ll say.
“I’m on my way. If you can stay with him until I get there.”
“Of course. He’s fine, just drunk, but I don’t think he should be on his own.”
“Thanks, Cody. I’ll be thirty minutes.”
“No rush. Drive safe.”