40. Chapter 40
Chapter 40
Corbin
I don’t know which is crazier: flying to New York to crash a formal party I wasn’t invited to, or trying to sneak into the home of one of the richest women in New York. After I gave Avery the drawing I’ve kept in my wallet all this time, I knew I needed to do something more to convince her to give me another chance. And I realized that the gala was the wrong place to force the kind of conversation we need to have. Asking her to meet me afterward was a possibility, but with Cass standing guard, I didn’t like my chances. I’m surprised she let me talk to Avery at all. Not that I blame her for protecting her friend from the person who hurt her.
After I left Avery, I went to find Henley and told her I was leaving. She offered to go with me, but I wanted to be alone. I took a taxi back to the hotel, but I end up pacing the room, staring at my phone willing it to ring. After nearly an hour, I’m forced to admit that Avery isn’t going to call. She’s not going to text. She’s probably not going to come back to work next week. The thought of not seeing her every day makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I can’t let it end like this. I can’t let her go without telling her what she means to me. She might still decide to leave, but I can’t let her go without trying everything. Which is why I find myself sneaking onto her family’s property in the middle of the night. I’d tried calling her, but she didn’t answer. She also didn’t respond to the 7 texts I sent. Not that I blame her. I fucked up. A call or a text isn’t going to fix this. I need to get her alone and talk to her. I need time to tell her what she means to me. I need her to know how much I need her. Hence the sneaking.
It turns out I’m not so good at sneaking. At least not when there are motion-detection lights, neighbors with nosy dogs, and one very diligent security guard. It’s the last one that ends up being my downfall. I’d made it past the main gate into the secure neighborhood where Avery’s mom lives without an issue. I’d even managed to make it over the fence at the corner of her property. It wasn’t until I’d tried to sneak up to the back patio door that the security lights had been triggered. I’d tried to duck back into the trees along the fence line, only to have a spotlight nearly burn my retinas out of my skull.
“Freeze!”
The shout had been accompanied by a clicking sound that I was convinced might be the last sound I ever heard. I threw my hands into the air and went still. And that’s how I found myself in the backseat of a security guard’s car.
“Can you please call the Bradshaws?” I beg the stoic man from the backseat of his Prius. “Avery Bradshaw Scott is expecting me.”
It’s a lie, but he doesn’t know that. I’m just hoping that Avery isn’t angry enough with me to let this mall cop on a power trip send me to jail. I’m glad I didn’t take the time to change out of my tuxedo before coming here tonight. It lends some truth to my story. I at least look the part, even if my behavior was questionable. Granted, I don’t think my tattoos and beard are helping my case.
“The Bradshaws didn’t add anyone to their visitor log for this weekend,” the man says, clearly dismissing me.
“Avery and I were supposed to arrive together, but I missed my flight. She just forgot to add me to the log. Can you please just call the Bradshaw residence?”
I try to add an air of impatience and arrogance to my tone, hoping I sound like a rich asshole.
“They won’t be happy you detained me,” I say. “You’ll be out of a job by morning. ”
I feel like an asshole, but I’m hoping that something gets through to the man. Maybe he’ll call Avery before he calls the police. I really don’t want to spend the night in jail. I know Henley will bail me out, but I’ll never hear the end of it.
“This is ridiculous,” I mutter. “I hope you like unemployment.”
Finally, the man sighs and picks up his radio. “Dispatch, this is 2103. Can you call the Bradshaw residence and verify a visitor?”
“2103, this is dispatch. There are no visitors logged for the Bradshaw residence.”
He shakes his head. “Affirmative, Dispatch. Please call to verify an unregistered visitor.”
The radio crackles again. “Visitor name?”
Thank fuck. Relieved, I settle back into my seat. Avery will verify me. Even if she’s pissed, she won’t let me go to jail. I know it.
“What’s your name?” the security guard asks.
“Corbin James,” I say.
He repeats my name into the radio and we both wait for the woman on the other end to come back with a response. If Avery isn’t home yet, I’m screwed. I don’t think her mom knows anything about me. It takes another five minutes before the radio crackles to life again.
“2103, this is dispatch. Over.”
“Dispatch this is 2103. ”
“The Bradshaws have asked that you release the jackass into their custody. That’s a direct quote.”
I can’t stop the smile that spreads across my face. Leave it to Avery to call me a jackass, even if indirectly.
“10-4, Dispatch. Releasing the jackass.” He turns to glare at me as he drops the radio onto the seat.
“Sorry for the trouble,” I say, trying for a conciliatory tone.
He just grunts in a noncommittal way as he climbs from the car. Then he opens the back door and gestures at me to get out of the car. I don’t ask him for a ride down the long driveway. I feel like it might be pushing my luck. Instead, I give him a smile and a salute before straightening my jacket lapels and turning to walk down the driveway toward Avery’s house.
The house is massive with a wide porch stretching across the front. Is this where Avery grew up? It's so different from everything I knew as a kid. I'm once again reminded of all the ways her life differs from mine. But then I remember how it feels to hold her and the differences don't feel so big. I only hope she feels the same way.
I expect to see Avery waiting on the porch, but I’m met instead by an older version of her. Meredith Bradshaw Scott stands there, glaring at me, arms folded over her chest. She’s still dressed in her formal gown. She looks regal and absolutely furious.
“Mrs. Scott,” I say. “My name is Corbin James. ”
She raises a brow at me and I feel myself shrink just a little. How can a woman who’s barely over 5 feet tall make me feel so small?
“Are you the man who made my daughter cry?”
If I thought I felt small before, it’s nothing compared to now. I hurt Avery. I made her cry. I don’t have any excuse, so I just nod.
“Yes, ma’am,” I say.
She eyes me for a long moment. "You're the artist, right?"
I blink, unsure how much Avery told her mom about me.
“I—”
She holds up a hand to halt my words. I immediately close my mouth.
“I just need to know one thing,” she says.
I nod.
“Are you going to fix this?”
“If it can be fixed,” I say. “I’m here to try.”
She exhales on a sigh. “I suppose that’s all I can expect. Come inside.”
Relief wars with my nerves as she turns toward the house, and I follow behind her. Avery’s mom is a little scary. She leads me inside and through an archway into a large room filled with comfortable-looking furniture.
“Wait in here,” she says. “I’ll see if she wants to talk to you. It’s late.”
She says the last part in an accusatory tone, making me want to shrink down small enough to crawl under the couch.
“Thank you,” I say. "I'm sorry."
Meredith leaves me standing in the middle of the room, heart pounding with nerves. I take a deep breath and stuff my hands in my pockets as I begin to slowly pace the length of the room. I try to think about what I'm going to say to Avery when I see her. I need to convince her to give me another chance, but I don't know if it's even possible after all I put her through.
“What are you doing here?”
I whirl around at the sound of Avery’s voice coming from behind me. She looks gorgeous, as always. She’s still dressed for the gala, but her feet are bare. She looks exhausted and angry and sad. I reach for her, but she takes a step backward, out of my reach. That stings. But I can’t say I blame her after everything I put her through.
“You wouldn’t answer your phone,” I say lamely.
She rolls her eyes. “So, you, what? Decide to sneak past the guardhouse and onto my mom’s property? What was your plan, Corbin?”
Angry. Definitely angry. That’s okay, I can work with an angry Avery.
“I didn’t really have one,” I admit. “I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Did you ever think that I didn’t want to talk to you?” she asks. “That maybe I needed some time to think without you clouding my thoughts? ”
She’s right. I hadn’t thought about that. I’d just been so blinded by the need to talk to her, to convince her to give me another chance, that I hadn’t considered that she might not want to talk to me at all.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “You’re right. I should have respected your privacy and your space.”
She sighs. “God, Corbin. Do you know how shitty this feels? To never know where you stand with someone? To always wonder if you’re good enough?”
I blink in surprise. “Good enough? You’re perfect. I’m the one who isn’t good enough.”
The silence hangs in the air for a long moment before she speaks again.
“You remember that first night you asked me to sleep over?”
Her voice is low, and I can hear the pain in her words. Knowing I’m responsible for that pain is like a knife twisting in my gut. I can’t speak, so I just nod.
Her mouth shifts into a rueful smile. “I was laying there thinking, ‘This is it. He’s finally seeing what we can be together.’ And then you pushed me away again in the morning when I asked you some random question about your family. You shut down. And you got angry. And you wouldn’t let me in.”
Shame washes over me because I know exactly which incident she’s talking about. And she’s not wrong. I did shut her out. I tried to push her away. I tried to keep her at arm’s length for so long. I open my mouth to apologize. To beg her to let me tell her every dark, depressing detail of my childhood. I’ll lay my soul bare if it means she’ll stay. But I don’t get the chance to say it before she’s speaking again.
“But then you were sweet to me again,” she says. “And you kissed me like you were sorry. So, I let it go. I let you convince me it didn't matter. I let myself get lost in my feelings for you, and I forgot that you wouldn't let me in. I thought ‘Maybe this is it. Maybe we’re turning the corner. Maybe we’re past the hard part.’” She shakes her head, and a laugh huffs out that’s anything but humorous.
“But I was wrong. Again.” She turns her gaze to face me directly, those gorgeous eyes so full of sadness that I know I put there. “Corbin, no matter how many times I think we’re out of the woods, you do or say something to drag us right back there. Or you don’t say anything at all. I can’t tell which is worse, honestly. I just know I can’t keep doing it. I can’t keep being the only one who thinks this can work.”
Panic hits me squarely in the chest. This is it. She’s going to end it for good. And there’s nothing I can do about it. The thought of not being able to hold her, to have her near? It’s enough to steal the breath from my lungs. What can I say to convince her not to give up on me? How can I prove to her that she means more to me than anything else in my life? Somehow this woman has become the one thing I can’t live without. And she’s going to leave me if I can’t find a way to make her stay .
I need to tell her all the reasons she can’t go. I need to tell her how much I need her. I know she’d be better off without me, but I’m a selfish bastard. I want her. Why is it so hard for me to just say the words? I’ve always used action to prove who I am. It’s worked for me for all these years. But I’ve never had someone like Avery in my life. I’ve never needed someone as badly as I need her. I consider what it would mean if she left me, and I’m forced to go back to the man I was before she walked into my life. Imagining my life without Avery in it is so terrible that I immediately shove the thought out of my head.
“Please,” I say. “Don’t go.”
She shakes her head slowly, a sad smile on her face. “Corbin,” she whispers.
“I know I fucked it all up,” I say, my words tripping over each other. “I know that. But this is all new for me.”
“It’s new for me, too.”
I nod. “I know. And I’m not making excuses. I know I hurt you so many times. I got scared and I pushed you away. I wasn’t ready for all of this.”
She narrows her eyes. “And you are now?”
I hesitate just long enough for her to sigh.
“Wait,” I say, panicked. “You know me, Avery. You know I don’t lie. Right?”
She nods.
“I don’t know if I’m ready or not,” I say. “I can’t guarantee I won’t screw up sometimes. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve only ever fought for one other person in my life, and she’s family. I don’t know if I’m doing this right or not. But I know I want to try. If there was ever going to be a person to make me want to try, it’s you.”
I don’t know if what I’m saying is getting through to her or not. I can’t tell if she’s wavering or on the verge of walking out.
“Corbin, I want to believe you,” she whispers. “But that’s why I’m not sure I can trust it. I want it too much.”
I feel a deep ache in my chest, and I realize that I’m too late. I fucked up one too many times for her to forgive me. I need to tell her everything. I need her to understand why this is hard for me. Even if her knowing is the thing that drives her away. I take a deep breath.
“I was 5 years old the first time my dad put my mom in the hospital,” I say. I don’t look at Avery. I’m not sure I could keep going if I see the pity in her eyes. But I hear her soft intake of breath, and I know she’s listening.
“Henley wasn’t born yet. When Mom got out of the hospital, he talked her into letting him come back home. Three months later, he broke her nose because she burnt some toast at breakfast. But she was pregnant with Hen, and she knew she couldn’t take care of us without his paycheck. So, she stayed. It got better while she was pregnant. Then worse again. Then he left us for good when I was 7. Mom cried for a week.” I feel a hand slip into mine, squeezing lightly. I swallow back the lump in my throat.
“I was 9 the first time she tried to kill herself. I came home from school, and I could hear Henley crying, but all the lights in the house were off. ”
I feel myself being transported back to that day; back to that scared little boy walking through a dark, dirty house, unsure what I’d find.
“I thought maybe she left us, like he did. Part of me hoped she did, but then I felt bad for thinking that. I found Henley locked in her room. She was hungry and scared, but she stopped crying when she saw me. She was old enough to be potty trained, but no one was there to take her to the bathroom, so she’d wet herself. I got her cleaned up while she sucked her thumb and hiccupped, just staring up at me with trusting eyes. Like I knew what to do to fix everything. I found some bread in the kitchen and put some peanut butter on it. I left her there and went to look for my mom.”
“Corbin,” Avery whispers. “I’m so sorry.”
I shake my head and drag myself back from that dark place in my mind.
“She’d get better for a while. Then she’d go back to the drugs and drinking. It was easier when Henley started school. I knew she’d be okay there. I knew she’d get fed. She wouldn’t be in that house all day. I wouldn’t have to worry about her seeing something she shouldn’t. I kept the worst of it from her. At least, I tried to.” I sigh, running a hand over my face. “I counted down the days until I turned 18. I couldn’t wait to get out of that house. I took Henley with me when I went. She was only 12. I could barely take care of myself, let alone a teenaged girl. But I knew I’d do a better job than she did. She didn’t fight me on it, either. That’s the part that used to piss me off. How does a mother not care about someone taking their kid? It took me a long time to realize that was her being a good mom. Her version, anyway.”
“She knew you’d take care of her,” Avery says.
I nod. “Yeah. I tried to, anyway.”
“You did an amazing job raising her,” she whispers.
“She did the work,” I say. “I just made sure she was safe.”
I feel her hand on my forearm. “Corbin, look at me.”
I hesitate for a second before turning to look at Avery for the first time since I started telling her my story.
“You let her be a kid,” she says. “You had to grow up before any child should have to. But you made sure she didn’t. And you made sure she knew she was safe and loved when no one else could. That’s bigger than you think. It’s amazing. You’re amazing.”
The ball of emotion in my chest is rising up, threatening to choke me with all the memories I’ve shoved down over the past three decades. I don’t know how to make her understand that I’m not what she thinks. I’m not some hero.
“Last night I got a call that she'd been arrested," I say. "Again. She wanted me to bail her out, but I just left her there." I sigh, running a hand through my hair. "I left my own mother in jail."
"Maybe that's what she needs right now," Avery says.
"Don’t you get it?” I ask, my voice rising. I need her to understand. “ That’s where I came from! When I say I don’t know what I’m doing, that’s what I mean. I’ve never known what it’s like to have a happy family. I don’t know what that looks like. I don't know how to be what you deserve. I can’t remember a single time as a kid when I wasn’t waiting for someone to get angry and throw something or hit someone. I don’t know how to do this!”
Instead of cowering back from my anger, Avery steps closer to me. “None of us knows what we’re doing," she says. "But we’re supposed to figure it out together, Corbin. Not push each other away when things get hard."
Shame washes over me and I know she’s right. It’s just another example of how badly I’ve screwed things up with her.
“I want to try,” I whisper around the lump in my throat. “Can we try again?”
She’s quiet for a long moment, and I’m convinced she’s going to tell me to leave. I’ve put this woman through hell over the last couple of days. She deserves so much more. But when she finally speaks, she surprises me.
“I need to know something,” she says in a low voice.
Her hazel gaze is locked on me and I’m not sure I could look away if I tried. She holds up a folded piece of paper. I know what it is immediately.
"Why did you keep this?"
I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out.
“Tell me, Corbin,” she says. “Please.”
Her voice is pleading, and I feel that ache in my chest grow stronger when I realize her eyes are shining with unshed tears. She doesn’t cry. Not my angel. She gets angry. She yells. She pushes back. But the woman in front of me is different from the one I’ve come to know over the last few months. I know it’s my fault. Me, with my overbearing ways and stubborn refusal to admit I need her. I did this to her. I turned her into a smaller version of the woman I fell for. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for hurting her and for making her doubt herself.
"You know why," I finally say.
She shakes her head. "I don't. Tell me."
The ache in my chest grows nearly unbearable. There’s a lump in my throat that’s making it difficult for me to form words. But I know I can't let her go again without telling her. I can’t leave here without telling her exactly what she means to me. She may still decide to end things, but at least I’ll know I did everything I could to stop her.
"I don't know why I picked it up that day,” I say finally. “I watched you draw it. You sat at the desk and drew it like it was nothing. You were barely even looking at the pen in your hand. I remember staring at your hands. I was fascinated by them. The way they moved, the sureness in the lines. I couldn't look away. You made it look so easy." I shake my head. "I was in awe of you. Your talent. Your eye for detail. It must have fallen on the floor, because that's where I found it. It was just sitting there like it was nothing. I didn't want to see it go into the trash. You drew that. And it was good. Really fucking good."
She doesn’t look at me, keeping her eyes glued to the paper in her hand. "Okay. But why did you keep it for all these months?"
Does she really think so little of herself and her talents? I’m suddenly so pissed at everyone who ever let her believe she wasn’t good enough. I’m furious at everyone in her life for not seeing who she really is. I’m angry at her for dismissing her talent like it’s nothing. But mostly, I’m angry at myself for letting her go without telling her how incredible she is.
"Because it was yours !” I say, my voice rising in frustration and anger. “Because it came from you. From your mind, your heart. You act like it's nothing, but I know you. You put your heart into every piece of art you create. You can't help yourself. It’s who you are. And if there was a piece of your heart out there somewhere, I wanted it to be mine! I couldn't bear the idea of it vanishing forever. I know I'm not worthy of the rest of it, but I could have that small piece.”
I sigh, feeling my anger leave me as quickly as it had appeared. “So, I kept it."
I don’t look at her. I’m afraid to meet her gaze and see the truth in her eyes. I don’t want to see that I’m right. I don’t want to see the confirmation in her eyes that I’ve lost her for good. That she can’t ever be truly mine. Her voice cuts through the silence as she says the last thing I expect.
"You're such an idiot."
My gaze shoots to hers. "What?"
"You!" she shouts, throwing her hand out toward me. "You 're an idiot. Do you still not see it?"
Confused, I stare at her. “See what?"
She shakes her head, her expression weary. "It's yours. It has been since the first time I saw you laugh. Even when I thought you were a fucking dickhead, my stupid heart didn't care. It's always been yours."
My heart stops and I forget how to breathe for a second. What did she just say?
"Thought?" I ask. "Past tense?"
She glares at me. "That's what you're focused on?"
I step closer to her as I shake my head. "No," I say in a low voice. "I'm just really bad at this."
"It's not rocket science," she says, her voice breaking. "You feel something, and you say it. You don't hide from it and then show up with one of my drawings and make me cry over you. Again."
Her eyes shine once more with unshed tears, and I feel them like a punch in the gut.
"Oh, baby. Don't cry," I whisper. "I'm sorry."
"I can't keep wondering if you'll ever love me the way I love you," she says, her eyes closing tightly.
My heart stutters in my chest as she says the words I've been terrified of and longing to hear for so long.
"Stop wondering," I say. "I love you, angel."
The words come out so easily that I don't know why I fought the idea for so long. The sense of relief I feel is incredible, like a weight has been lifted off my chest.
"I think I started falling for you when you yelled at me that first day." I smile at the memory. “You were so feisty. So full of life. When you told me to fuck off, I was a goner. I just didn’t realize it yet.”
"Don't say it if you don't mean it," she says, a tear spilling over and trailing down her cheek.
Her gaze is still wary as if she’s unsure whether she can trust me. It hurts, but it’s not like I can blame her. Not after all I’ve put her through. All the times I’ve pushed her away and made her think this thing between us was just sex. She deserves so much more than me.
"You know I don't lie," I say. "I may be a fucking dickhead, but I don't lie." She closes her eyes as more tears spill down her cheeks, each one feeling like a knife in my heart.
"Look at me, angel," I say, injecting a commanding tone into my words.
Her beautiful hazel eyes glisten with tears as she finally looks up at me. I can see the hope and fear there and it guts me. She's right to doubt me. I've given her every reason to wonder if I'll ever be what she needs.
"I love you, Avery," I say. "I am so fucking in love with you, and I'm sorry I couldn't say it before. I didn’t know how. I didn’t trust myself enough. I was scared and stupid. And I know I'll never be good enough for you, but I'm selfish enough to beg you to overlook that. Because with you, I think maybe it's possible I can be that man. The one you see when you look at me. I'm not him yet, but if I had you, I might get there one day."
"Oh, Corbin," she whispers with a sigh. Reaching out, she places a hand on my chest, directly over my heart. "He's in there. I've seen him."
"Give me another chance," I beg. "Don't give up on me. I need you. Please."
She looks at me for several long, silent seconds. I swear, I can feel my heart in my throat as I wait for her to speak. Finally, her lips curve up into a tiny smile that hits me square in the chest.
“Did you just beg me?” she asks, a teasing tone in her words. “I thought that was my job.”
Immediately, I drop to my knees before her. “I’m begging you. Don’t give up on me.”
Her tear-filled laugh brings a smile to my face. She shakes her head.
“Get up, idiot.”
I shake my head. “Not until I know you’ll stay. I’m sorry I hurt you, baby. I can’t promise you I won’t ever hurt you again, but I swear to you I’ll do everything in my power to fix it if I do. I know that’s a shit deal, and I’m sorry for that. You deserve better than me. I’m not good at this, but I’m a fast learner.” I give her a small smile. “Will you teach me?”
Avery reaches down to cup my cheek. “I think you’re better at it than you think,” she whispers.
I lean my face into her palm, loving the feel of her soft skin against my face. Just her touch is enough to calm my racing heart and settle everything inside me. I can’t believe I fought against this feeling for so long. Why did I try so hard to hide from it?
“Get up, Corbin,” she whispers. “Please.”
She hasn’t told me she forgives me, and she hasn’t said she’ll stay with me. But the whispered plea has me climbing quickly to my feet to stand before her. Without hesitation, she walks into my arms, pressing her body fully against mine. I wrap her in my arms as she rests her head on my chest. Relief slams through me and I’m struck by how right this feels. She fits so perfectly against me, tucked under my chin with her head resting on my heart. It’s like she was made for me. I rest one hand on her head, stroking her hair as I dip my head down to kiss the top of her head.
I didn’t want to think about it before, didn’t want to consider the possibility. But now, it’s so obvious. This woman was made for me. We belong together. This was always going to end with her in my arms, my heart in her hands. It’s terrifying, but freeing. There’s no more reason to run or to hide what I feel from her. My heart lurches painfully in my chest when I think about how close I came to never having this, never knowing her.
"Have I told you how fucking incredible you are?" I say. "How strong?" I swallow back a lump of emotion, wishing I had the words to tell her how amazing she is. But, as usual, she seems to understand what I mean without me saying it.
"I'm no stronger than I had to be," she says.
Reaching up, she covers my hand with hers, guiding it to a spot above her left ear that's hidden by her hair. My fingers trace the raised line of a scar, and I suck in a breath. The terror and fear that hits me nearly has me dropping to my knees again.
"I came so close to losing you before I even met you," I say, awe in my words. My fingers can't stop tracing the scar. It's as if I need to keep proving to myself that she's here in spite of what happened to her. I didn't lose her.
"But you didn't," she says. "I'm right here."
“I love you,” I whisper. “So fucking much, angel.”
Avery squeezes me tighter. “I love you, too.”
Everything inside me settles and I feel more at peace than I ever have before. I smile, though she can’t see it.
“Gonna need to hear that every day from now on,” I say, my voice raw with emotion.
“Deal,” she whispers.
End of Book One