Chapter 7 #2
The door closed behind them, and she rolled her shoulders back. Time to be the woman she’d fought so hard to be and tell him the truth. So she turned on her heel to face him…and found his lips on hers.
Damn this man and his mouth.
Damn him.
Her lips parted without her knowing, and he deepened the kiss, his hands going in her hair and over her face, pulling her in closer.
He tasted of mint and a little bit of coffee, and she wanted to drown in his essence forever.
But even as she thought that, even as he groaned, she knew she needed to pull away.
And unlike the last time, she did.
“Stop, Derek. I need to talk to you.”
He panted just as she did, but took a step back. The heat of him still touched her, but his body didn’t, and for that she was grateful.
Kissing him again would be wrong. Falling for him would be even worse.
She’d already done both, but she’d be damned if she let herself fall into bed with him again. She couldn’t hold back this secret from him and let him touch her, let him take her. She’d never forgive herself.
“What’s wrong, Olivia? What’s so bad that you look as if you want to cry and shake at the same time?
I know I’ve been pushing you, and for that, I’m sorry.
If you want to go back to what we had before, we can.
We can do our thing once a month and keep each other at just first names and never talk again outside of that.
But you need to know I want more. I need more.
But I’ll settle for what we had if that’s all you have to give.
However, if you can give me more? I’ll take it.
I want to know you. I want to see you outside these walls.
I want to go on actual dates with you and find out who we can be together when we’re not playing by the rules we set when we didn’t know any better.
And I know I’m saying all the things I want, but hell, we’ve done so good for so long by not saying anything too deep, not letting each other get too close to who we are, that maybe it’s time we break that mold.
Maybe it’s time we actually say what we want, rather than what we think we need. ”
She was breaking inside, large chasms ripping through her body as if a quake set off a chain reaction of pain and despair. Yet she could be strong for him, strong now when she hadn’t been before.
He wanted more. She’d known that, of course, but hearing him say the words, seeing the plea in his eyes, she couldn’t catch her breath.
She wanted all of that, too. Wanted that and more, but she couldn’t even let herself think it until she told him what she’d been holding back.
“My name’s Olivia,” she blurted.
He frowned, clearly caught off guard by her saying something he already knew.
“Yes, you told me that last time. What’s wrong?”
“My name’s Olivia Madison. Does that name sound familiar?”
He froze, his face going blank.
He remembered.
But she needed to tell him everything, just in case. Yes, it would be more for her at this point, but it could be for him, too.
“I was three years old when I found my best friend. She was the same age as me, and her big brother was only a year or two older than us. She was everything to me. Her light blond hair was the opposite of mine, her pale skin so much lighter than mine, and I loved that we were so different on the outside, yet so much the same on the inside. I didn’t know what all of that meant when I was a little girl, but I know now.
She was my everything, my best friend for the next three years of my life. ”
He didn’t say anything, but he clenched his jaw as well as his fists.
He knew.
He remembered.
But she wasn’t done yet.
“Stacey and I used to play out in the big field behind our homes. We were next-door neighbors, but our yards weren’t all that big and didn’t have enough room for us to play.
So we used the field with all the grass and hills and flowers.
Our parents let us, knowing we’d be safe because they could see us from the top-floor windows of our houses as long as they looked out. We should have been safe.”
Derek kept his silence, and she wanted to throw up, but she kept going. If she stopped now, she’d hate herself.
“One day, we were chasing butterflies. We were six, and that’s how we worked; we needed them for our princess court.
You see, the butterflies would be our ladies in waiting, and we would be dual princesses in our kingdom.
Stacey was the one with the imagination; I was the one who helped add the little details like butterflies to make sure it all made sense. ”
Even then, she’d been her best friend’s editor in their own little world.
But even then, she hadn’t been enough.
Olivia took a deep breath and continued. “That day, though, we got too close to the road. I don’t know how, but we ended up right on the curve. I called out to Stacey, telling her to be careful, but she turned at the wrong time at the sound of my voice. She didn’t see the curb.”
She let out a shuddering breath, and her eyes stung, but she didn’t let any tears fall. Stacey might have deserved them, but Olivia didn’t.
“She took one too many steps right at the worst moment. No one saw the car coming. The driver didn’t see her.”
“I remember,” he growled out. “You don’t have to go into any more details. I remember my fucking sister, Olivia. Question is, how long have you known? How long did you know I was that boy? How long have you lied to me, keeping this from me?”
This time, the tears fell. “I only knew when you said your name and I put it all together. I promise you. You and your family moved away right after everything happened, and I haven’t seen you since I was six.
I never thought I would see you again. I never thought that you, D, could possibly be the Derek I knew as a little girl and had a crush on. ”
She hadn’t meant to say that last part, but she was baring the rest of herself so she might as well keep going.
“I don’t know if I can believe you.”
That hurt, but then again, she didn’t blame him. She’d already broken more than once in her life, and now it was her turn to break him so he could do the same to her once more.
“I’m so sorry, Derek. I didn’t mean to call out right at that moment and distract her.
I didn’t mean for any of that to happen.
I will never forgive myself for that day, and I will never forgive myself for making you think I ever wanted to hurt you.
I didn’t know who you were until that moment last month when I pulled away, but I don’t know how I can get you to believe me.
I’ve tried to find the courage and the words to tell you since then.
I don’t know what else to say except that I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry that we lost Stacey. I’m sorry that I’m that girl from all those years ago who brings with her those bad memories, and that you’re that same boy.
And I’m sorry that I fell for you when I shouldn’t have.
I broke the rules. I changed everything. And I’m just so damn sorry.”
She’d torn herself open, laid herself bare in every way she could, and now there was nothing else for her.
She just prayed that she’d be enough, that the small part of her that had once held hope would shine.
But, of course, it didn’t.
It wouldn’t.
Derek gave her one last look, opened his mouth to say something, then stopped. When he turned on his heel and walked out of the hotel room, she knew it would be for the last time. This would be their last month.
He was gone.
And she knew that no matter what some small part of her had thought and hoped, she deserved nothing less.
Only when the door slammed closed did she fall to her knees, ignoring the way her dress rode up and wrinkled, to let her tears fall freely.
She’d broken once more, but this time, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to find the pieces to put herself back together.
She’d given in to that hope, even if she hadn’t wanted to. She’d fallen for the man she promised herself she’d never fall for.
Her rules were clear: never fall in love.
But she had.
Never commit.
But she’d thought she could.
And never tell Derek the truth.
But she had.
And now, it was over.
Forever.