Chapter 33
Tabitha
I continued the story that Tim had started.
“Two amazing weeks together, and then I got that job offer in London. We kissed, the most amazing kiss, and yes, you said you loved me. You said, Now I’ve found you, I don’t ever want to let you go.
What we had between us back then felt safe and deep and real. And that’s why I said what I did.”
He was staring at me, silent and still, his face clearly full of dread.
“The job offer felt bittersweet. I told you I didn’t want to leave, that maybe I should apply locally.
You said, ‘Is that what you really want? That would be amazing. I’ll pick you up tonight, and we’ll go on a proper date and talk about the future,’ and you went home to change.
Everything felt perfect. I felt so sure of your commitment that I texted the architecture firm right then to say thank you, but no.
Then I texted you that I’d turned them down.
I was so excited to see you again. I remember wearing my new yellow summer dress. ”
Somehow that little detail, the innocent hopefulness of twenty-five-year-old me, so happy slipping my sunny dress over my head, then twisting my hair into a French braid, made me incredibly sad again.
My chest went tight, and I had to tell myself to breathe.
“And I waited and waited, checking the front door every few minutes and down the street for the sight of your blue truck. I texted, but no reply. I called and called, no reply. Then I was worried—had you fallen off a ladder at work? I called your mother and sister. They said you were at the gym or on a run. I called the gym. Nope, you weren’t there.
I couldn’t get to sleep because of the sense of horror creeping through me.
I drove past your mother’s flat, but I wouldn’t let myself wake them.
Of course, your truck was parked in front.
I texted and called all the next day. When it was clear that you were ghosting me, humiliation erased some of the sadness.
Then I panicked. I called the firm, but the job had already been offered to, and accepted by, someone else.
” When word got out that I’d turned down the first architecture job, it took a while to find another one.
He folded his head into his hands and groaned in pain.
“Oh God, I didn’t realize that had happened,” he said.
My stomach wrung with tension, waiting for him to respond. He still hadn’t said he was sorry, and I wondered if he hadn’t felt the same way at the time or if I had been overreacting. I had to prepare myself for that.
Lifting his face, he sought out my gaze, devastation twisting his full mouth.
“I’m so sorry, Tabitha. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that I did that.”
His voice was cracked and hoarse. I’d been waiting for this apology, and I felt like he was starting to understand the effects of his thoughtless actions, but his obvious sincerity didn’t erase those years of pain.
“Tim, you broke my heart.” A single tear slid down my face.
He reached for me, but it was too soon, and his face twisted into painful, deep regret.
“That was the worst way I could have handled that situation, and I’m so, so sorry.”
But slowly, his demeanor changed, and his lips parted like he had something hard to tell me.
“There’s a but coming,” I said, because I was starting to read him so well.
He leaned toward me, his hands together like he was trying to get me to understand.
“When I got home and got your text, I realized I couldn’t take that opportunity away from you.
Yes, I wanted you to stay and be with me.
The thought of you leaving was incredibly painful—it felt like I’d only just found you again.
But I couldn’t let you give up that amazing job for me.
I couldn’t have handled that responsibility.
A local job wouldn’t give you the chance to work on such glamorous, prestigious projects with other great talent. ”
He took in the look I gave him. “Yes, I know you took on another architecture job in London and you left that in the end, but then you went on to become an editor at a national newspaper. You couldn’t have replicated that in our town or anywhere in our county.
And our town is nowhere near as exciting as London.
I never wanted you to resent me for staying there.
I couldn’t have borne that. But the way I handled it all was just fucking awful. ”
My head spun with confusion, trying to process his words and reconfigure what I’d thought I’d known all these years. This wasn’t about me after all—it wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted me. He’d been trying to do what was best for me, and that had still been devastating.
“But Tim, wasn’t that for me to decide too? Maybe giving up London and that fancy job wasn’t a sacrifice for me. Maybe it was. Shouldn’t we have discussed that together?”
He held his bottom lip between his teeth, like he was considering this for the first time. “Yes, absolutely, we should have discussed our future together.”
He held my gaze. “God, the pain in your eyes is shooting a straight line through my heart. I’m so sorry, Tabitha. If you give me another chance, I will show up—and stay. That was twenty-five-year-old me, and he was a fucking idiot. Please give me another chance?”