Chapter 23
"Ellie?"
"I'm just thinking out loud here... but do you think you might like Seraphina?" William asked, trying to sound casual.
Elowyn looked up from where she sat at the Bennett's kitchen table, breakfast long finished while she and William lingered behind, talking as his parents moved around the house getting ready for the day.
Mr. Bennett had already left for work, and upstairs, Mrs. Bennett could still be heard getting ready.
"Of course I do. I wouldn't be her friend if I didn't."
"Like as in a crush Ellie. Do you have a little crush on her?"
"Do you have a crush on her?" Elowyn asked curiously.
"What?!" William laughed, "Absolutely not. Don't get me wrong, she's drop dead gorgeous, but she doesn't exactly have the right tools, if you know what I mean."
"I saw her with a screw driver once."
"A screw driver?" William murmured. "No, not a literal tool-"
He fell back laughing.
"What do you mean by tools?" Elowyn asked, now realizing she probably took it the wrong way.
"You know," Will shrugged, trying to put it lightly for his friend. "Like man parts."
"A penis?"
"Yes Elowyn, a penis," William laughed at her straight-forward words.
"Because you're gay," she continued.
"That's right," William smiled proudly. "So I don't have a crush on her because I'm gay, and you..."
"And me?" Elowyn tilted her head.
"Well, how do you feel around her? I know this stuff is hard for you to put into words, but does your heart beat faster? Do you like to just... look at her?"
"My heart used to beat fast when she was scary. And I can't look at her for long."
"Why?"
"Because she stares into my soul," she answered with a straight face.
"Okay, " William chuckled.
"Is that what a crush is supposed to feel like? Your heart beats fast and you look at them?"
"Well, not exactly."
William eased back against his chair, still smiling, but his tone settled into something a little more thoughtful.
"It's not just the heart thing," he said. "That can happen for a bunch of reasons. One being scared," William made air quotations with the last word, which in turn made Elowyn raise her own hands and mimic the gesture even though she had no idea what they were for.
"A crush is more like... you start noticing them a lot. Not on purpose, it just happens. You think about them when they're not there. You remember small things they say. Stuff like that."
Elowyn listened, quiet, eyes on him.
"And you kind of want their attention," he went on. "Like, when they walk into a room, you notice. When they talk to you, it matters a little more than it should. It's not always obvious. It just... builds."
She frowned slightly, considering it. "That sounds complicated."
"It can be," William admitted with a small laugh. "It's not always dramatic. Sometimes it's just liking being around them more than other people."
Elowyn picked at the edge of her shirt. "I like being around you more than other people."
"Yeah, but you're not trying to marry me," he said dryly.
"I could," Elowyn teasingly wiggled her brows.
"You will not," he shot back, pointing at her.
That got a small giggle out of her, but it faded as she went back to thinking.
"So, how do I know?" she asked.
William tilted his head, watching her for a second before answering. "You could pay attention to your reactions a bit more. Like... if you're near her. Or if you touch her or something."
Elowyn looked up immediately. "You can't touch people without consent."
"I know," he said quickly. "Then ask. Get consent, whatever you need to do. I'm just saying, if you do, pay attention to how you feel after."
"You want me to run an experiment," she narrowed her eyes at him.
"I'm not calling it that," he said, already grinning. "But yes."
Elowyn went quiet again, clearly taking it seriously.
"And if your heart starts going fast, or you feel weird about it," he added, a little more gently now, "then yeah... you might have a crush."
She absorbed that, her expression remaining thoughtful.
"...What kind of weird?"
William paused, then huffed out a laugh. "You're really gonna make me define that, huh?"
"Yes."
He rubbed his face, thinking. "Not bad weird. Just... different. Like you're more aware of them. Of yourself too, I guess. It's hard to explain if you haven't felt it before."
Elowyn gave a small nod, like she accepted that answer for now.
"Okay," Elowyn said after a second. "I'll try it," she settled back into her seat, already thinking everything through like a plan instead of a feeling.
William watched her for a moment, then shook his head to himself, still smiling.
That's one of the many things he's seen improve in his best friend; she tries to understand her feelings.
Just last year, if she felt anything remotely different or hard to explain, she'd shove it away or shut down. Now here she was, willingly trying to figure out what she was feeling towards this woman- if she was feeling anything at all.
The quiet after their conversation didn't linger long before William glanced at the clock on the wall-and immediately straightened.
"...okay, that's not great."
Elowyn looked up at him, watching the shift in his expression. "What?"
"I'm not late yet," he said, already pushing his chair back and standing, "but I will be if I don't leave in like five minutes."
That was enough to get both of them moving. He headed for the stairs, grabbing the banister as he went, and she followed right behind him without needing to be told.
"I thought I had more time," he added, half to himself, already taking the steps quicker than usual.
"You didn't," Elowyn said, matter-of-fact, keeping up.
"Yeah, I'm realizing that."
By the time they reached his room, drawers were already opening. He grabbed a fresh shirt and threw it on, moving fast enough that he had to catch himself on the edge of the bed when his balance tipped for a second. A quiet laugh slipped out of him, more amused than stressed.
"That almost made things worse."
Elowyn had already moved to the dresser on her side, pulling out her own clean shirt and changing there. She worked quickly, already used to William running late.
"Wait- where's my underwear?"
Elowyn, already facing the wall while changing her own shirt, barely reacted. This was normal enough behavior for him.
A drawer slammed open.
Then another.
"You own too many clothes," he muttered while digging through his dresser.
"You're talking about your own clothes."
"I know, and there's too many of them."
Something toppled over onto the floor suddenly.
Then came a much louder thud.
Elowyn spun around immediately, alarm shooting across her face. "Are you oka-"
Her scream cut sharply through the room.
William had apparently found the missing underwear, but in the process of trying to step into them while hopping across the room, he'd completely lost his balance. Now he was sprawled awkwardly near the bed with the underwear still tangled around his ankles.
Elowyn whipped back around so fast she nearly smacked into the wall herself, both hands flying over her eyes.
"I saw your buttcheeks!" she yelled in horror, aggressively rubbing at her eyes like she could erase the image.
"First of all, why do you sound disgusted?" William scoffed.
"Why do they look like that?!"
"What do you mean! I've got a nice ass!" William whined, now standing to carefully continue getting dressed.
"It's so... square," Elowyn said weakly, still covering her eyes like the image might attack her again.
A deeply offended noise left William somewhere behind her.
"Square?"
"I thought they all looked the same!"
"That is genuinely the rudest thing you've ever said to me."
Elowyn cautiously cracked one eye open just enough to confirm he was actually covered this time.
"You can't blame me for being surprised," she defended. "Nobody prepares you for that."
Willam stared at her while lifting his jeans properly into place. "For what exactly? The existence of male ass?"
"Yes!"
He looked personally wounded now. "Ellie, I need you to know you just obliterated my self-esteem before nine in the morning."
"I said it was surprising, not exactly ugly."
"That is not better!"
Elowyn lowered her hands slowly, still looking disturbed by the entire experience.
"Your workouts have been paying off." Elowyn said carefully, sounding deeply unsure of herself halfway through the sentence, "because it was very... structured."
Wlilliam stared at her in disbelief. "That is somehow the least flattering compliment I've ever received."
Elowyn frowned, trying again."No, I meant it positively. It looked athletic."
"ATHLETIC?"
"Yes."
William pressed a hand dramatically against his chest. "I need you to stop describing my ass like it's applying for military service."
"Um-"
"It's okay Ellie, I was just joking around. In the realm of men, my butt is considered above average," William informed her confidently, pointing toward himself like this was an established scientific fact. "Some might even say elite."
Elowyn studied him cautiously, trying to determine if he was joking.
"I'm serious," he insisted. "You just don't have the proper frame of reference."
That seemed to ease some of the guilt off her face.
"Oh."
"Yeah. So don't worry," William waved her off, finally grabbing his shoes. "You didn't actually crush my self-esteem. lf anything, this was a very educational morning for you."
"Now, let's get going, shall we?" William clapped his hands together, looking around the room for his bag.
"It's by the chair," Elowyn said, pulling her new coat on and smoothing the sleeves down.
He followed her line of sight and grabbed it with a small grin. "You're actually saving me right now."
"William? Elowyn?" Mrs. Bennett's voice came from the other side of the door.
"Are you kids okay?" She knocked, her voice full of concern.
William opened the door before his mother could knock again.
"We're fine," he said quickly. "I just had a minor accident."
Mrs. Bennett looked immediately unconvinced. "That doesn't explain the screaming."
William opened his mouth, but unfortunately, Elowyn spoke first.
"She saw my butt," William admitted at the exact same time Elowyn blurted, "I saw his buttcheeks."
Mrs. Bennett stared at them.
Silence.
Then she closed her eyes briefly, trying to gather the strength to continue parenting.
"...I don't even want to know how that happened."
"He tripped while putting his underwear on," Elowyn explained helpfully.
"Ellie!"
"What? That's what happened."
Mrs. Bennett pressed her lips together so hard her shoulders started shaking.
William pointed accusingly at her. "Don't laugh. This has been a humiliating experience for me."
That only made it worse. She turned away completely, one hand over her mouth now.
"Oh my God," William groaned. "I'm being bullied in my own home."
"Let's go Elowyn Gray, I need to get to class."
They headed down the stairs together, William shaking his head at the sound of his mother's laughter in front of him, and Elowyn's giggles behind him.
When they reached the bottom, William immediately moved toward the door, trying to get his shoe on properly while grabbing his keys at the same time.
"I can just take an Uber," Elowyn said, slipping on her shoes by the door.
"Absolutely not." Mrs. Bennett intervened.
Both of them looked over.
"You are not getting into a car with a stranger by yourself."
"It's an app," Elowyn said. "They're verified."
"I know what it is," she replied, her tone softening a little. "I'll take you. It's no trouble."
Elowyn hesitated, shifting her weight slightly. "You don't have to."
"I don't mind," Mrs. Bennett said, offering a small smile. "I know how much you hate ubers."
William finally got his shoe on and looked over, relieved. "Yeah, that's way better. Saves me the guilt too."
That seemed to settle it. "Okay."
William grabbed his bag properly this time and headed for the door, pausing just long enough to glance at her. "Text me when you get there, alright?"
"I will."
"Okay. Bye mom," He opened the door, getting ready to leave.
"Drive safe," she called.
"Yes ma'am," he said, already stepping out of the house before turning sharply.
"Elowyn," he gripped her shoulders.
"Yes?"
"Don't be letting the cat out of the bag," William warned firmly.
"What cat?"
"It's a figure of speech. It means don't spill the beans on the experiment."
"Oh. I know spill the beans," Elowyn smiled.
"That's nice Ellie, but seriously, no speaking about any of this to Seraphina. Do you know how much I wanted to die on the spot when she mentioned you had told her about being mommy coded?"
"That's what you said," Elowyn squinted up at Will.
"I know, but it doesn't mean you go around spilling everything to her. We need to go incognito when it comes to mommy Monroe."
"Incognito? Why are you being so secretive?"
"Because," William lowered his voice dramatically, glancing toward the kitchen like someone might be listening, even though his mother was standing only a few feet away, "She already knows too much," he continued.
"One wrong move and she's going to figure out I'm behind all of this.
.. again. I can't go through that embarrassment all over. "
"You are behind all of this."
"Exactly. Which is why we stay quiet. Got it?"
"Okay."
"Okay," William sighed in relief. "I'm leaving for real now."
"Goodbye, Mr. Incognito."
"Bye Ellie," William chuckled, then turned to hug his mom.
"You're already late, get out of here," Mrs. Bennett said after the hug.
"Don't miss me and my perfect ass too much," Willaim said as he stepped out of the house, closing the door behind him.
"What a weirdo," Mrs. Bennett mumbled, turning her attention back to Elowyn. "Give me just a minute, pumpkin. I just need to grab my things, then we'll head out."
Elowyn nodded, lingering near the entryway, hands tucked into her sleeves as she waited.
Mrs. Bennett was back a few minutes later, keys in hand, and they were on the road not long after that.
The drive home was quiet in the way it usually was with her. Elowyn sat in the passenger seat watching the world blur past the window while Mrs. Bennett kept her hands on the wheel, glancing over at her now and then.
Not once did she bring up anything William had said back at the house about going incognito. No teasing questions, no concern, no attempt to untangle whatever strange conclusion the two of them had apparently reached together.
Mrs. Bennett had learned a long time ago that Elowyn would sort through things in her own time, usually when nobody expected it.
?
When they pulled into Elowyn's driveway, the girl looked half asleep.
"You still look tired, Ellie."
"I am."
"Get some rest," Mrs. Bennett said, parking the car and turning to face her.
"And call me or William if you need anything," Mrs. Bennett said.
"Yes ma'am."
"And don't forget to eat something."
"Yes ma'am," Elowyn repeated, stepping out of the car.
Mrs. Bennett waited until Elowyn got inside safely before pulling away.
The second she was alone, Elowyn quickly texted William she was home, then kicked off her shoes near the door and dropped onto the couch face-first, not bothering to fight the weight in her limbs.
She was out in minutes.
When she woke up again, she had no idea how much time had passed.
For a moment, she just lay there, staring at the ceiling, then she sat up, rubbed at her eyes, and pushed herself to her feet, the small bit of dust rolling on the floor catching her eye.
That was enough for her to grab all the cleaning supplies in the house and get to work.
She gathered the things left out in the living room first, then moved through the kitchen, putting everything back where it belonged.
Moving to her bedroom, she grabbed the pile of blankets from her bed and carried them down the hall to the laundry room, tossing them into the washer before starting a load.
While it ran, she returned to her room and cleaned the dust from her ceiling fan, then worked her way through the rest of the space, dusting the furniture, emptying the trash, and finishing everything off with sweeping and mopping the floors.
She did the same for the rest of the house and by the time she finished, hours had passed. The house didn't look much different, but it felt better. At least to Elowyn it did.
Now all she needed was a shower.
She headed to her room to grab her pajamas, then walked to the bathroom, stripping out of her clothes, stopping to look over her body in the mirror.
All the scars that littered her skin made her grimace at herself, even though none of them had been her fault-at least not on purpose.
The faint mark near her left eyebrow was from a school bully who had sent her into the corner of a table in the cafeteria. There was the one on the back of her hand from too many hospital visits, from needles placed in the same spot over and over.
Another rested on her knee, from when she'd tripped over untied shoelaces in elementary school, back when tying them still felt like rocket science.
It came after asking her mother that morning to please tie them and being refused, told she was already seven and should know how.
So she'd gone the entire day with them dragging-William out sick and not there to help-sending her hard against the pavement.
Then there was the one near her shoulder. That one was also from her mother.
She had only been three years old at the time.
Her mother had been making herself lunch when a phone call pulled her attention elsewhere, leaving Elowyn unsupervised in the kitchen, sitting on the counter with the oven door still hanging open.
A sparkly mug inside one of the upper cabinets caught her attention-the cabinet left open too- making Elowyn stand up to reach for it.
She had slipped and crashed hard onto the floor, but not before her shoulder struck the sharp corner of the oven door on the way down.
Elowyn stared at her shoulder then shook her head to herself, stepping into the shower with a sigh.
?
The first clue that something was off was the light.
The afternoon had gone soft while Elowyn had been in her room, and now the house felt dim in that slow, sinking way that meant the day was already slipping away from her. She blinked at the window, then at the clock, her stomach giving a small, accusing twist.
Dinner.
She sat up a little straighter, squinting at the time, then frowned when the numbers settled in.
She had missed lunch.
Again.
For a second she just stayed still on the couch, listening to the house.
It was too quiet, reminding her that her father was out of town and there was nobody moving from room to room, nobody calling her name, nobody making the house feel occupied.
Elowyn normally liked quiet. She liked not having noise in her ears all the time and being able to think without interruption.
But quiet was different when she was the only person left in it. She didn't like that part.
Elowyn dragged herself up and into the kitchen, moving on autopilot more than anything else. She didn't feel like making anything complicated, just something warm enough to count as dinner. Nuggets first, then pasta.
The smell of her food cooking made her realize exactly how empty her stomach was. She stood there long enough to watch the steam rise, one hand braced on the counter while the rest of the house stayed still behind her.
No footsteps
No conversation.
No one but her.
When the food was done, the silence had started to feel heavier than before. Elowyn stared at the plate, then looked around the empty kitchen like her father just might appear out of thin air.
He obviously didn't.
She sat down, letting out a slow breath, then looked at the food again and realized she didn't want to eat dinner alone.
Not in this house, with all that quiet pressing in around her.
She pushed the plate back a little, the decision settling in with surprising clarity.
Elowyn moved through the kitchen once more with determination, grabbing all the ingredients she needed.
She cooked the chicken first, then put noodles to boil while making the sauce.
When everything was done, she carefully placed it all in a container, making sure the lid clicked shut tight enough that nothing would spill on the way. She turned to slip on a coat, then headed out the front door without overthinking it.
Locking the house behind her, Elowyn started down the sidewalk, stepping into the night all alone.