LANA
Itry to concentrate as I scan the extensive list of shit Dad neglected to tell me, but I can still feel Bates inside me, and my mind keeps wandering to the future and how happy it now looks.
All of my predictions of delayed life goals have gone out the window because Bates sees something in me that others don’t, and he likes it. He even laughs at my jokes!
I knew I could be efficient, but I’ve never been able to apply that skill to love. I’ve worked my ass off trying to get it in any form, but until Bates showed up, I was getting nowhere fast.
Now, I’m going to achieve all my heart’s desires sooner than I ever could have imagined — I’ve found love, and my heart is so full.
My life has always felt like a giant puzzle, and all this time I’ve been clinging on to the most important piece, hoping it didn’t somehow come from a different box altogether.
It never seemed to fit anywhere. Not with Dad, not with Mom, not out on my own in the lonely world.
I’ve been searching and searching to find where I truly belong, but now that I’ve found Bates in the picture and tested my puzzle piece against his, things have snapped perfectly into place.
Nothing has ever felt so right in all my life, and together we’re going to create the stable, loving family I’ve always wanted — that we’ve always wanted.
“I thought you’d pitch a fit at the size of the list, but you’re smiling.”
“It’s not because of the list, Dad. If anything, I’ve had to resort to my virtual happy place so I don’t blow a fucking gasket at this shit.
” I study his notes again, honing my focus as I compare it to the schedule on my laptop screen.
“How could you keep so much from your productivity specialist when she demanded an accurate report in her contract?”
“It weirds me out when you refer to yourself in the third person,” he says from across the desk.
“Yeah, well, if I said Goose wanted it, I wouldn’t get a fucking list at all,” I say, tasting the sharp vinegar tang of my tone that elicits a gasp from my father.
“That’s not fair,” he says, immediately defensive. “I try to give you what you ask for. I do my best to be a good dad to you, Lana.”
I don’t bother looking up; it’ll only infuriate me more to see him looking as if he believes that. “Your best needs improvement, then. I’ve seen you do better with the others, and while I know they must be easier for you to tolerate, it’s hurtful.”
“Dammit, Lana. I know, I’m a piece of shit. Do you always have to go straight for the balls?”
I look up from my screen to meet his exasperated face.
“It’s the fastest way to make my point. And you’re not a piece of shit. I just expect better from someone with your potential.” I hold up the notes he gave me. “Who the hell is Sadie Lawrence, and what the fuck is she doing on my list of employees?”
Dad’s cheeks flush with color, and he tries to look busy by opening his desk drawer and tidying it. “I uh… she…”
“Oh God. Are you paying her a salary to sleep with you?” I can’t un-scrunch my face. “I don’t know how I feel about that.”
My Dad stills. “What? No, I don’t… pay women for sex.”
Even his ears are turning pink. Interesting.
“So you are having sex with her, then?” I muse.
“No. I… She’s barely older than you. I just… I need someone to help in the office so I can get out on site more. She’s local and available, and she has experience, and I don’t hate her.”
I give him a flat stare. “You don’t hate her?” I lean back in my chair and fold my arms. “That’s the description you want to use?”
His face is the reddest I’ve ever seen it, and it’s like he doesn’t know where to look.
His eyes dart in every direction but mine.
“Well, I have to like her enough to share my workspace with her,” he says, still avoiding my gaze.
“But if I say that I like her as a person, you’ll jump to conclusions and think I’m…
paying her for sex and shit. How should I phrase it, Lana? ”
“How about honestly?” I suggest. “You think she’s nice, and you’d like to get to know her better, so you’ve created an environment in which to do it.
You’re concerned to admit it to your daughter, since you’re clearly ashamed of the age gap, but you like the girl enough that you don’t want to let the opportunity of bagging her this season pass by without an attempt. ”
Dad lowers his head with a sigh and begins tidying his drawer again. “I hate when you do that, you know.”
“Cut away the bullshit to read the truth of a situation?”
“Yes.” He shivers. “It makes me feel… naked and defenseless.”
“Maybe you should cover your ass with something better than bullshit, then.”
He snorts softly, and from the way his eyebrows twitch, I know he’s pulling a face, but I can’t see it since he’s still messing around with the stuff in his desk drawer so that he doesn’t have to look me in the eye and admit that he’s fallen in love again.
He hates when it happens as much as he thinks we do.
I think part of him always feels as if he’s betrayed Martha’s mom, even though she’s been buried for more than twenty-five years.
It kind of skews everything he does when it comes to sharing himself.
“Well, good luck to you both,” I say as softly as I can.
“Everyone deserves love, and maybe Sadie’s the right fit for you.
You shouldn’t worry so much about the age difference.
We don’t care who you like, so long as you’re happy, and I can see you doing well with someone young enough to look up to your accomplishments — who doesn’t question everything you say or push back too hard.
Kind of the opposite of me. I’ve read enough articles about daddy issues to know the dynamic can work the same in reverse, you know. ”
Dad’s head pops up, and he searches my face. “You have daddy issues?”
I smile as I shrug. “I’m pretty sure, yeah. I definitely like older guys who want to look after me, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing.”
“I… didn’t know that,” he says slowly before visibly cringing. “And I don’t want to think about it too hard, but… is it my fault… or the Baker guy’s?”
I shrug. “I’d say it was a team effort. But again, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to like a man who knows enough about the world that he understands how to treat his woman right.
I think I would have arrived at the same conclusion with or without any help from you and Clarence.
And hey, maybe you’ve got enough mileage under your belt this time around to show Sadie Lawrence that you’ve got what it takes to prioritize the care of your love interest.”
Again, he’s staring at me as if I’ve grown horns.
“Am I delivering truths too harshly again?” I ask.
Dad shakes his head. “Just wondering how you’ve come to be so fucking wise. I know your parents, so I know they didn’t exactly have a hand in it.”
“Yeah, well, sometimes being shown what not to do or how not to be are just as powerful learning tools as being shown a better way.”
“So I do definitely do everything wrong, then?” he asks quietly.
“No.” I frown. “That’s not what I said at all.
It wasn’t a blanket statement. You have many wonderful qualities that I hope you can recognize in all of your daughters — I like to think we have the best parts of you.
We’re smart, and we care about people, and we stick up for the little guy.
We know what we want, and we’re not shy about going after it.
We’re inclusive, and we love to laugh — and I know I’m no good at telling jokes, but I can be funny in other ways if you know what to look for.
Sometimes.” I look down at my hands twisting in my lap.
“I’ll try really hard not to be embarrassing around Sadie Lawrence, okay? ”
“You’re not embarrassing.” His serious tone makes me do a double-take.
He rubs his head with both hands and exhales slowly.
“It’s me that I’m embarrassed by when you flop a punchline, Lana.
It was my job to teach you, and I feel the failure when it’s clear you only inherited my penchant for fucking swearing.
All of you picked that shit up like it was fucking candy — and to hear your moms tell it, it’s definitely all my fault. ”
“That’s fair.” I smile as I nod. “Mom barely says shit when she’s purple in the face with rage. I try my best to push her beyond it, but no matter what I do, cussing seems to be a hard limit for her.”
Dad chuckles softly. “You are pretty funny. And I know it’s wrong, but I like that you give her shit sometimes — even though she’d make me call to tell you to cut it out, I was always secretly glad I wasn’t the only one copping flak from you.”
I give him a small smile. “I try to share it evenly. My wrath is mainly triggered by bullshit and dickheads, and there are a lot of those around, so sometimes I have too much anger for just one person to catch. I’m working on rising above, but it’s a lot of deep breathing and counting and letting things go, and I’d rather just let a person know I’m mad at them so they can either fix what they did wrong or get the fuck out of my way. ”
“As much as I hate it when I’m the dickhead within firing range, I do like that about you.” Dad’s chair creaks as he leans back in it, smiling. “This is nice.”
“It is,” I agree. “And I’m going to ruin it by pointing at this massive list and telling you I want to kick your ass for piling this extra work on me. You’re an absolute dickhead.”
His wince has a thinly veiled grin behind it. “I deserve that. What can I do to help clean up the mess?”