Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
Lily
The bar is packed, bodies pressed together, noise humming through the walls, but somehow we manage to claim a booth tucked into the far corner thanks to the Twins forcing the men out who had been sitting there before us.
Bella’s men are now stationed on the opposite side of the room.
A year ago, I would have thought it was excessive.
Now, I feel steadier knowing they’re there.
They’ll handle any creeps before we even clock them. I don’t want to think about that tonight, not when I’m with my two best friends.
“Have you hung your new art yet?” I ask Bella.
I helped her choose something that really spoke to her. It was a sea of pinks, with tiny touches of silver and gold. It was strength and beauty tied together.
“Yeah, Reggie did earlier. Right above the bed, it’s beautiful.”
I lift my espresso martini. “It is.”
“So, what’s next?” Hallie asks.
“I’m actually off to Monaco in a couple of weeks to meet an artist,” I tell them, not hiding my excitement. I’ve been waiting to tell them.
“Oh my god! That’s amazing!” Bella gushes.
“I really hope it leads somewhere.”
My fingers close around my necklace. After my successful gallery showing, I think it’s a good luck charm. Almost like that brave little girl belongs to this necklace. Maybe good things happen when I wear it.
“We should do a girls' trip soon,” I say. “Once Hallie is comfortable leaving Liam.”
Hallie smiles. She was one of the first real friends I ever made in America.
She and her dad were constants when my mom kept vanishing with her latest obsession.
I look at Hallie, seeing her this happy now, heals part of me.
After her dad died, she lost a piece of herself.
I did everything I could to help her with her grief, to be the friend that she’s been to me all these years.
And nothing makes me happier than seeing my friend finally get her spark back.
“Yes! Let’s book something! I’m sure we can use the jet,” Bella chimes in.
I laugh. I still can’t believe they bought her a jet.
“We’re supposed to be flying to France again soon to watch the ballet,” Bella tells us.
The word hits me in the chest. I swallow and cough, my throat tightening. I feel Hallie watching me.
She knows something broke in me after my final show. I never told her what. At one point, I even faked an injury when she asked why I wasn’t going to my lessons.
I hate even talking about it. Even now, it feels as raw as it did five years ago.
“That will be an incredible experience, Bels,” I say, meaning it.
I miss it more than I ever admit. Ballet was my entire world. From three years old until the night it all ended. If that man hadn’t saved me that night, I’m not sure where I’d be right now. What if my mom’s husband actually raped me?
What was he going to do to me? Kill me after?
Shit. I can feel his fingers grazing my thighs. I swallow the bile rising up my throat. I need the aftershave. I need to feel safe again.
“You know, you could still dance, as a hobby?” Bella says, after watching my demeanor change.
“No.” The answer comes out sharp. Final.
The last time I touched my pointe shoes, I couldn’t breathe. I slide my hand into my purse and just feel the navy bottle in there. If I couldn’t find the man who saved me, this was the second-best thing.
“That’s my past. I don’t need to be reminded of what I lost,” I add quietly.
“But, you love it, Lily. What about local classes?” Hallie presses.
I close my eyes and pull in a slow breath.
“I don’t want to. Going to the gym is fine.” I slide out of the booth, and guilt flickers across both their faces.
“More drinks?” I ask, smiling like my heart doesn’t ache.
“Please,” they say together.
I weave through the crowd toward the bar, the bass thumping through my ribs. That familiar prickle creeps up my spine, the sense of being watched. I glance around. Nothing. No one.
The bartender takes my order. I watch his hands move, veins flexing in his forearms. He’s handsome. Effortlessly so.
He slides the drinks across the bar and grins. My eyes widen. Fuck. He caught me staring.
“Are you doing anything later?” he asks, leaning closer.
“Uh.”
My brain stalls. He’s cute. Not creepy. But I’d need at least five more drinks to even consider it.
“No. I have no plans,” I say, forcing a grin.
He hands over the next two cocktails in margarita glasses, his fingers brushing mine for a second too long.
“Stay behind and have drinks with me?” he asks, biting his lip.
For a split second, I consider it. Letting go. But I know how this ends. Empty. Used. Disappointed. Pretending it meant something when it didn’t. I haven’t enjoyed sex since I was assaulted. I’m not sure I ever truly will.
Not unless there is a man out there I can fully trust enough with my body.
So, no.
“Maybe.”
I balance the tray of drinks he gave me and make my way back to the booth.
“Did you get his number?” Bella wiggles her brows.
I laugh. “No. Not my thing.”
Her mouth falls open. “You don’t have sex? Don’t lie to me, Lily.”
I set the drinks down and slide into the seat across from her. “I’m not a virgin. I just don’t…”
“Have sex?” Bella finishes.
“Not often. No. And if I do, I have to be pretty drunk. Even then, I don’t get off. It’s pointless.” The truth sits heavy in my chest. I don’t say the rest out loud. That I’m broken. He fucking ruined all the good things in my life. I have baggage that no man is going to want to stick around for.
Is there a guy who will see me having a panic attack and not think I’m crazy? I doubt it.
Something soft passes over Bella’s face, like she understands more than she’s letting on. Like she knows pain wears different masks.
“Have you ever slept with another woman?” she asks, swirling her straw.
“No. I haven’t. Why? You want to be my first, Bels?” I wink at her.
I like dick. Just not the men they’re attached to, unfortunately.
She licks her lips. “Lily, if I weren’t happily married to my dreamy Irish twins, I’d be dragging you into my bed and showing you exactly how hard you can come.”
Jesus Christ.
I glance at Hallie, who suddenly looks very interested in literally anything else. The absurdity cracks me open, and laughter spills out of me. Bella joins in, unapologetic as ever. I love that about her. She’s an absolute menace, but a light in everyone’s life.
“Good to know, Bella. I’ll keep it in mind.”
She shrugs. “Honestly, if you can’t find a guy, women know how to press all the right buttons.”
Heat creeps up my cheeks. “I can find my own buttons.”
She winks. “Just wait till you find the guy, or guys,” she nods toward her men across the room, “who you trust to let your guard down. Maybe you’re just meant to find your soulmate, not give yourself away to worthless losers.”
Something tight in my chest loosens just a little. “Aw. That was kinda cute.”
And for the first time in a while, I almost believe her. Bella is terrifying when she wants to be. A volcano under the surface. But she’s also loyal and surprisingly gentle.
“She’s right, Lils. You’ll find someone who will complete you in every way,” Hallie adds.
We always talked about finding a husband, having kids, and then our kids being best friends. For her, it’s become a reality. But I’m letting this side down. “I’m not holding my breath.”
They both pout.
“I wanna be a bridesmaid at least once in my life. None of my brothers are ever going to find a woman to tie their crazy asses down.” Bella says with a pout.
“If I ever, by some miracle, get married, I promise you’ll both be bridesmaids. Okay?” I tell her.
But that dream isn’t in my reach. As much as I’d love to. To have someone to go home to every day. To talk about everything with. To enjoy life with.
“Yay!” Bella claps.
“Shall we dance? I haven’t in ages!” Hallie asks.
“Hell yeah!”
They drag me onto the dance floor, music swallowing us whole. For the rest of the night, the ghosts stay quiet.
I’m laughing. Drinking. Moving.
And for the first time in a long while, I’m excited about what comes next.
Maybe… I really am getting through this.
I nearly trip through the door by the time the twins drop me off at home. I wave them off, slam it shut, and lock it behind me.
Maybe I need a pet. A dog. I love it when Hallie’s golden retriever, Bertie, stays over. The house feels less hollow then.
But I work too much. It wouldn’t be fair.
Perhaps I should have taken the bartender up on his offer.
I kick off my heels and pad into the kitchen, filling a glass with water. I stand there longer than necessary, staring out the front window at the street.
It’s quiet. A nice area. Expensive without being flashy. Not where the truly rich live. I like it that way.
I swallow a painkiller and rest my hip against the counter.
Movement across the street catches my eye.
I squint, pulse jumping, scanning the shadows more carefully.
Nothing.
Probably nothing.
I grab my phone and open my notes, adding call Declan to tomorrow’s list. I only have one crappy camera currently. And half the time, the feed doesn’t even connect to my phone properly. It’s one that came with the house when I bought it.
The Quinns have been on my case about this for months, but I always refuse. Telling them I technically do have cameras. The same way I did for my dad when he called me after I first moved into this place.
I don’t trust them not to keep tabs on me. I don’t want my privacy invaded. I want a normal life. Declan and Conan have assured me that I’m part of their family and they will be there whenever I need them. Like at my galleries.
But since the Russian guy at my showing, I hate to admit it, it rattled me more than I wanted it to. It threw me back into thinking about my dad and the way he lives his life. I didn’t like how that man looked at me, like he knew who I really was.
I refuse to feel unsafe in my own home.
Cameras will help. A proper setup.
I’d rather be safe than sorry.
I tell myself that as I drain the glass and turn off the lights.
Still, I double-check the locks before heading upstairs.
Just in case.