Chapter 8
Max
We’ve only been here five minutes and I already feel like I’m going to explode.
I held my breath throughout Hunter’s conversation with Monty.
I don’t think I was prepared for what it was actually going to be like to attend one of these events with a fake boyfriend.
And we haven’t even met anyone I know yet.
Still, I can’t deny that Hunter passed his first test, charming the socks off Monty without making him doubt for a second that we were a real couple.
One of the big points of contention about tonight was how the optics of returning such a controversial object would appear in the context of a bilateral trade deal.
It was deemed easier for everyone if we could make it look like a mutual exchange, so the Greeks dug around in their museum collection and found a painting by a British artist called Sir Harold Barking.
No, I haven’t heard of him either. I don’t think anyone had heard of him before this week, let alone ranked his work alongside the treasures of the Acropolis, but sometimes diplomacy is about maintaining a useful fiction.
I’m yet to see the painting in question, and until I do, I’m afraid that the name Sir Harold Barking just makes me picture Sir Harold on all fours, barking like a dog.
As we enter the exhibition room and I see the painting, it makes me wish we had gifted the Greeks ‘Sir Harold, barking’, and convinced some cash-strapped aristocrat to get up there and woof.
That would have been a lot more impressive than what’s on display, which is a very mediocre watercolour of the Parthenon.
Naturally, everyone is having to pretend it’s a masterpiece, crowding around the painting and making pretentious comments about its colour palette.
This is a far more interesting spectacle than the painting itself.
‘Hello Max,’ I hear from behind.
I turn to see Mariam in her trusty brown pantsuit.
‘Mariam.’
My heart is in my mouth. Mariam glances at Hunter then back at me about four times.
‘This is Edwin,’ I say to Mariam.
‘Ah,’ says Mariam.
I can see the cogs turning in her mind.
‘Is this—’
‘The guy who couldn’t make it last night.’
Mariam is still processing. She must be thinking about the conversation we had at the palace. I didn’t even hint that the man who stood me up might reappear in my life. I think I even described myself as single.
‘What a nice surprise,’ Mariam says eventually. ‘How’s the jaw?’
I shoot Hunter a look. I completely forgot to inform him about that part of the lie. Hunter peers at me for guidance.
‘It’s fine,’ I say. ‘False alarm. Just dislocated.’
Mariam looks bemused.
‘Is the ambassador here?’ I say hurriedly.
‘No, he couldn’t make it. Apparently last night’s seafood upset him.’
All the air goes out of me. I went to all this effort only for Wrettham not to show up?
But before anyone can see the crack, I force a smile.
There will be other events. In fact, knowing that Wrettham isn’t here tonight allows me to relax.
Maybe I can think of this as a dress rehearsal for me and Hunter.
‘While I’ve got you,’ Mariam says to Hunter, ‘could I ask you a quick question about my overbite?’
‘Absolutely,’ says Hunter without missing a beat.
He warns Mariam he’s not fully qualified, but this doesn’t stop her from explaining her issue while biting down repeatedly.
We’re in dangerous territory, but just then Quentin strides up with the brilliant Flora Forbes on his arm.
They’ve dressed perfectly for the occasion, he in a peach-coloured shirt, she in a polka dot dress, allowing them to fit in with the art crowd while still looking suitably formal.
Thank god Hunter had the good sense to take us shopping.
Quentin peers at Hunter. ‘Is this the famous Edwin?’
‘It is,’ says Hunter, flashing a grin.
Flora is staring at him like he’s an exhibit at the zoo. I get that he’s hot and me having a date is a novelty, but this is ridiculous.
‘Do I know you?’ Flora asks Hunter.
My pulse quickens.
Hunter is wrongfooted. ‘No, I don’t think so.’
Flora purses her lips. ‘Gosh. You look so familiar.’
‘I get that a lot,’ says Hunter with a little laugh.
He’s holding it together well, but I can tell that he’s panicking.
As Flora peers at him, trying to figure it out, I recall that she’s a musical theater geek.
Only the other day, Quentin was complaining that Flora had dragged him to Peterborough on their anniversary so they could catch a rare staging of Once Upon a Mattress.
She must have seen Hunter perform somewhere. Why didn’t I anticipate this?
‘That’s it,’ says Flora eventually. ‘Your TikTok.’
I cannot believe this. We’ve been busted within minutes.
‘Oh,’ says Hunter casually. ‘You saw that?’
‘Who didn’t?’ says Flora.
What the fuck? Please don’t tell me Doily sent me an actor who’s gone viral.
Flora frowns at him. ‘But I thought you were called—’
‘Hunter. That’s my stage name.’
‘Nice,’ says Flora.
I’m amazed that she’s buying it, but I suppose it rings true.
‘I wondered why you’d stopped posting,’ says Flora. ‘Max said you’re an orthodontist?’
There’s not a shred of suspicion in Flora’s voice. She’s genuinely curious.
‘Trainee orthodontist,’ Hunter says with a smile. ‘Every actor needs a backup career.’
How is he doing this? He’s coming up with these lies without missing a beat.
Flora nods sagely. ‘So true. Why the UK?’
‘Cheaper,’ says Hunter. ‘Dental school in America would ruin me.’
Flora murmurs in agreement. I still can’t believe they’re swallowing this whole, but I guess they don’t have any reason to doubt Hunter.
A viral TikTok star who goes by a stage name and has a backup career as an orthodontist might not be someone you meet every day, but maybe it’s more likely than me hiring an actor to play my boyfriend. I feel a rush of inspiration.
‘It’s funny,’ I say. ‘People are always surprised that a musical theater actor could go into orthodontics. But there are so many similarities. Think about it! They’re both about transformation.
Edwin has taught me that confidence is all in the jaw.
He’s really improved my selfies. And like, who else would be able to do that apart from an actor who’s also an orthodontist? When you think about it.’
I smile at Hunter, but he doesn’t smile back. I glance at Quentin and Flora and their expressions have turned confused. Hunter shoots a look at me.
‘Hey babe, can you show me where the bathroom is?’
‘Sure babe,’ I say uncertainly. I turn to Quentin and Flora. ‘Back in a minute.’
I lead Hunter off in the direction of the bathroom, but the moment we get away from Quentin and Flora, he yanks me into an alcove and gives me an urgent stare.
‘What did we agree?’ he says.
I frown.
‘No unnecessary lies,’ Hunter reminds me.
‘What? You just told about fifty.’
‘Those were necessary.’
‘Aren’t they all necessary?’
Hunter raises his eyebrows in surprise. ‘I was responding to their questions. You said a load of stuff unprompted.’
‘But surely that adds to the general picture?’
‘No. The fewer lies, the better.’
‘I thought acting was all about make-believe.’
‘That’s a common misconception. Good acting is about telling the truth.’
There’s that conviction again. He’s talking like this is scientific fact.
‘This is diplomacy,’ I say hotly. ‘No one tells the truth.’
Hunter frowns. ‘That sounds . . . unhelpful.’
‘Not at all. It’s how you get countries to cooperate.’
‘Ah yes, the famously cooperative international community.’
I glance around anxiously. He’s not wrong, but we need to be careful. Hunter is coming out of his shell. Time to reel him back in. Thankfully, he appears to understand.
‘Look,’ Hunter says. ‘It’s not a big deal. They clearly believed us. All I’m saying is, don’t lie if you can avoid it. If you answer questions like it’s nothing, people will believe the weirdest shit. But if you give them explanations they haven’t asked for, they start to get suspicious.’
It’s hard to argue with that. In fact, there’s a part of me that quite likes Hunter taking charge of the situation like this. As we hold each other’s gaze, there’s that spark again, the one from the fitting room. But Hunter appears to take it as a prompt.
‘Come on,’ he says. ‘Let’s go turn some heads.’
The way he can switch it on and off is mesmerising.
I’m going to need about a week to recover from this evening.
Back out in the party, Mariam introduces us to a number of embassy staff, and each time, Hunter is charming, polite, and perfectly professional.
It’s not only that people are predisposed to like someone this handsome, they’re also won over by every word he says, and I’m right there with them. This is an award-worthy performance.
There’s only one problem, but it’s not insignificant.
Any time Mariam introduces us to someone, she makes sure to introduce Quentin and Flora too.
On the surface, people have the same polite reaction to them that they do to me and Hunter.
But beneath that, there are subtle differences in how they treat us, and I’m convinced I know the reason.
It’s because Quentin and Flora are a cookie cutter straight couple, while Hunter and me .
. . well, we’re gay. I’m not saying there’s any outright homophobia.
Some people seem genuinely delighted to meet a gay couple among the hordes of heterosexuals, and some do that thing where they immediately tell you about their gay cousin, which is misguided but probably well-meaning.
But some react with just the slightest bit of hesitancy or discomfort.
And what about the people we don’t meet?
What about the ones who actively avoid us?