Into the Deep

Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Edinburgh, September 2012

Slowly, I glanced over my shoulder. Seeing the anguish on Jake’s face, I turned to him despite myself. “What do you want, Jake?” I asked.

He took the steps down to me, his long legs eating them up quicker than mine had. Before I knew it, he was right there in front of me again and I was right back where I’d been last night when he approached me. I clenched my jaw to stop myself from saying something awful. He didn’t deserve awful but I wasn’t sure he deserved forgiveness, either. I was too confused. Part of me still felt for Jake and all he’d been through, and the other part hated him for breaking all the promises he’d made me.

From the moment we’d met, he’d dragged me into the deep, swearing to me he was in there with me. It was a lie. He’d waded back out to the shallows and left me to drown. Worse, he’d found a new deep elsewhere with some other girl.

Jake cleared his throat, bringing me back to the present. “I have a lot of things I need to say, Charley. I know you don’t owe me anything …” his eyes darkened to black, “but you need to hear this. After last night, I know you need to hear this.”

“I don’t need anything from you. I grew up. I’m over it. ”

“I know, but clearly you still haven’t forgiven me. Last night proved that.”

“It was shock. I was enjoying myself and then suddenly, you were there.”

Jake winced. “Okay. Well, I’m not asking you to get over that shock. I’m just asking for a coffee so we can sit and talk.”

Remembering how relentless Jake could be when he wanted something, I gave him a sharp nod. “Tomorrow. The Library Bar. Twelve o’clock. I’ll give you five minutes.” I whirled around to walk away from him, but his voice stopped me again.

“You don’t have to run away because of me. Come back inside, finish your drink.”

I inwardly cursed at his audacity and looked back at him over my shoulder. “I’m not running away because of you. I finished my drink so I left. But I can see you’re still an arrogant asshole.” I moved off with long strides, desperate to get away from him.

“I’ll take that as a good sign!” he shouted across the square.

I lifted my fist in the air and shot my middle finger up at him.

“That too!”

I grunted and sped up. The last thing I needed was Jake to be Jake.

I thought Claudia would say I was crazy for agreeing to meet Jake, but instead she thought it was a good idea for me to clear the air with him. I didn’t know if that was because she liked hanging out with Beck and didn’t want to stop, or because she’d decided maybe she liked Jake a little after spending time with him at Teviot. She’d texted me when she realized I’d left, but I told her to stay. After Beck dropped her back at the apartment, she informed me, a little tipsy, that Jake and Melissa had joined the band for drinks.

Apparently, Melissa had been quiet for most of the night and Jake appeared to spend half his time reassuring her. His ex-girlfriend showing up in Edinburgh probably had put a little kink in their romantic study abroad, but I couldn’t give a shit.

Not true, actually. Part of me really did feel for Melissa. In fact, part of me wanted to run straight to her to warn her to get the hell out of there before Jake Caplin ripped her heart out.

Claudia didn’t see Jake the Heartbreaker, however. She cautiously told me that Jake was charming and friendly and acted like everything was cool. The only moment of tension at the table came when Lowe asked about me. Claudia had said I was tired and Lowe had responded by telling her to ask me to wear my Pearl Jam T-shirt next time I came out with them.

“This will be good,” Claudia said confidently as she walked me to the door. “Clear the air before classes start so you can focus on enjoying your time here.”

I wished I was as confident as she was. Instead I walked into Teviot with my chest vibrating and my stomach churning. I didn’t want to dress up for him because I thought that would be pretty obvious, but I also stupidly wanted to look hot enough to annoy him. I wore my best black skinny jeans, short black ankle boots with a little heel, and a green Harley Davidson T-shirt that was a little short in the hem and snug across the bust. I topped it with my jewelry and let my hair spill down my back in its usual waves. Jake once told me I had sex hair all day, every day, and it used to drive him nuts. My petty hope was that everything about me now would drive him nuts. If I had to suffer through my attraction to him, it would certainly help a little if he had to suffer too.

I got a couple of nods from guys as I passed and decided I’d done well today with my outfit. Yay. In the Library Bar, my eyes met the bartender first. He was cute in that I’m-deliberately-scruffy-so-you’ll-think-I-don’t-care-but-I-really-do kind of way. He wasn’t really my type, but I smiled to be polite when he gave me a nod. Turning, I found Jake sitting along the right side of the room in an open booth. He was scowling at the bartender.

Ignoring the flutter in my stomach, I walked casually toward him, but my confidence slipped a little when Jake’s eyes found me. I felt his gaze sizzle through every nerve ending as he took me in from head to foot. A muscle ticked in his jaw and he moved back against the leather booth as if suddenly restless to get out of there.

“Jake,” I greeted him flatly and slid into the opposite bench.

“Charley.” He lifted a hand to get the bartender’s attention and the guy came over to take our orders for coffee, his heated focus making things awkward. I was almost relieved when he left.

An uncomfortable silence—something Jake and I had never had to cope with before—fell between us as we waited. Finally when the coffees came, Jake took a sip and then started talking. “Your hair is much lighter. It looks good.”

Although affected by the compliment, I pretended I wasn’t and stared blankly back at him.

He switched tactics. “I know I fucked up hugely.”

I put my coffee mug back on the saucer and sighed as if I didn’t have time for this crap. “Is that why I came here, Jake? To listen to you state the obvious?”

“I’m trying here. You used to admire honesty. Have you changed?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “I’m meaner now. A lesson I learned from you.”

Dropping his elbows on the table so he could lean closer, Jake gazed at me soulfully. “I was a dick to you. I can’t take that back. But I can apologize. I can try to explain.”

Giving him a small nod, I encouraged him to go on .

“I was lost somewhere else inside my head when it happened, Charley. I couldn’t see past that to anything or anyone. I was angry that it got that out of control and I blamed myself. You got caught up in it.”

“I never turned my back on you. I don’t understand why you blamed me .”

His brows puckered and he closed his eyes, as if in pain. “I didn’t blame you. I said things I didn’t even mean. All I wanted was to get out of there and put the whole thing behind me. By the time I looked back, it was too late. I couldn’t change what I’d done to you. I couldn’t change what I’d destroyed. I thought it was better to just let you move on. We were just kids, Charley.”

He said it like our age meant anything. He said it like others had said it to me when he left, as though because I was only sixteen, my relationship hadn’t been real—that I hadn’t fallen hard and deep. To have Jake agree with them hurt like a mother. “Move on from me? Or from there?”

“From there. From you too. You were a part of it, as much as I didn’t want you to be.”

On that, I disagreed. “Then it’s a good thing you didn’t come back, if that’s the way you still see it.”

“Charley, all I remember now about you is the good stuff. I let all that other shit go.” His eyelashes lowered over his eyes as he stared down into his coffee. “You were the best friend I ever had. I miss you. I’ve always missed you and regretted how I left it. But at the party … the way you looked at me,” his breath caught, “that was hard. I’d somehow convinced myself that you would be indifferent about …it all. You quickly dissuaded me of that.”

His heartfelt apology and admission that he’d missed me both hurt and soothed me. I relaxed a little against my seat, cradling the mug in my hands for the comforting heat it provided. “I know it wasn’t easy for you and your family, Jake. I know that’s the biggest understatement of the century …I tried, though, I tried to understand, and as much as I want to, I can’t excuse what you did to me because of what happened. That doesn’t mean your apology doesn’t help. It does. Thank you.”

Jake smiled softly and I felt that smile right in my gut. I flicked my gaze away quickly, pretending to scan the room. “I want us to be friends.”

His words brought my surprised gaze back. “What?”

He shrugged. “We’re both here for the year. We were great friends once …”

I suddenly found it a little difficult to breathe and I quickly stood, putting money on the table beside my coffee. “Look, Jake, I’m sorry I reacted that way to you at the party, and I promise that from now on, if I see you around I’ll be polite. You don’t deserve any more shit in your life. But it’s been a while. We’re different people now. Let’s just leave it at that.” Before he could reply, I walked away, waving back at the flirtatious bartender as if walking away from Jake Caplin wasn’t one of the things I hated doing most in the world.

“We’re going where?” I drew to a halt at the gates of the courtyard. It was past nine on Friday night and the Cowgate and Grassmarket were already buzzing with music and people. I was wearing my jeans and the Pearl Jam T-shirt because Claudia insisted I should—her words from a couple days ago came back to haunt me at the same time she finally told me what our plans were for the evening.

“Beck stopped by to invite us to listen to the band play their first gig. It’s this little bar just down the street. ”

“Since when are you and Beck so chummy?” I asked as a delay tactic. I needed to come up with a reason not to go.

“I told you he wants to be friends and when he’s not being a manwhore, he’s pretty cool. I see no problem in hanging out with him and his band.”

“Uh … Jake’s the problem.”

“Jake’s not in the band.”

I was going to wring her neck. “I know that, Claud. But you also know he’s their friend and he’ll be there. With her.”

She grabbed my hand and gave it a sympathetic squeeze. “Babe, the best thing you can do is pretend that you’re over it. No one will think you’re faking it. You’re smart and you’re hot and they know you could get anybody. There’s no reason for them to think you’re hung up on Jake.”

“Although sweet, you’re completely biased.” I groaned in frustration. “I just don’t know if I can be around him and Melissa.”

Claudia shrugged. “Then find someone to take your mind off them. Beck told me Lowe thinks you’re smokin’ hot.”

I gestured to my shirt. “The Pearl Jam shirt. He’s going to think I’m into him.”

“Why wouldn’t you be? Lowe is cute.”

I raised my eyebrow. “He’s also a bad boy.”

“So? You’re not looking to marry the guy. You’re just looking for a distraction.”

“You know I don’t sleep around.”

“Who says you need to sleep with him?”

“You have an answer for everything, don’t you?”

My friend got serious all of a sudden, her grip turning almost painful. “I thought you were over this guy. Then we get here and he’s here too, and I realized that you are not over him. I don’t think, even when you weren’t thinking about him, you’ve ever gotten over him. I think this is the perfect opportunity for you to finally put him behind you.”

In the end, I knew she was right. I’d been holding onto the seventeen-year-old Jake I’d been in love with. He didn’t exist anymore. If I spent some time around twenty-year-old Jake who was in love with Melissa, then maybe that would finally sink in. I gave in and let Claudia lead the way.

She wasn’t wrong. The guys were playing at a bar called Milk, tucked in the corner between two sets of buildings built onto a steep slope. A narrow lane took pedestrians from the Cowgate up onto the part of the city that would lead to The Royal Mile. For the last few days, Claudia and I had been nursing hangovers from time spent with our roommates and neighbors, and we’d used the time to get better acquainted with the city that was to be ours for the next nine months. We’d wandered all over Old Town, stopping by the grave of the famous canine Grey Friars Bobby, and the nearby café The Elephant House where J.K. Rowling was said to have written some of Harry Potter in the back room that overlooked Edinburgh Castle. Claud and I had then headed toward New Town to check out the stores on Princes Street and George Street. And of course, we’d backtracked after that to Edinburgh Castle. Its lure was too great. Perched upon volcanic rock, lording over the modern city like a medieval king, Claud and I had both gotten neck pain from staring up at it as we walked down Princes Street. Fascinated, we’d wandered all the way back up to The Royal Mile and up the cobbled streets to the castle. Our legs ached from walking so much, but it surprisingly helped with the hangovers. I was thinking we’d need to slow down our partying, though. Being able to legally drink in a bar was a novelty, but I wanted to depart Scotland with a fully functioning liver.

Claudia led me into Milk and at first, we were really confused. The packed room was tiny and closed in with its dull lights, brick walls, and large bar area taking up most of the space. A leather bench ran the length of the opposing wall, tables and chairs pushed up against them.

“Are you sure this is the right place?” I asked, not able to see Jake or Beck or anyone recognizable.

Frowning, Claudia pulled out her cell and flicked through her messages. Her brow cleared and she grabbed my wrist, pulling me through the crowded bar with a polite excuse-me here and there. At the end of the room, hidden by the bar, an arched wall led into another larger room. Tables and chairs took up most of the floor and at the opposite end of the room was a small stage where Matt fiddled with a drum kit and Lowe with his guitar and amp.

The place was crowded.

“Claudia!”

We looked over at a table near the stage to see Beck standing, waving us over with a grin. Cutting through the tables, my legs started to tremble as I caught sight of Jake and Melissa sitting in the seats closest to the stage. My eyes quickly jumped from them to Rowena sitting next to Jake and Denver. There were a couple of empty seats at the end of the table and I was relieved that I’d get to sit far enough away from the happy couple to breathe.

I was surprised by the way Beck greeted Claudia. It wasn’t the kiss to her cheek—Claudia returned that comfortably and the whole thing suggested they were as platonic as they claimed. However, my eyes drifted down as Claudia stood on tiptoe so Beck didn’t have to bend so far, and I watched with confusion as Beck’s hand gripped Claudia’s hip and then caressed it as he reluctantly let her go.

Claudia didn’t seem to notice, but I knew her well enough to know that she was pretending. There was a slight flush on the crests of her cheeks. Still, Beck had said he wouldn’t sleep with her, so Claudia told me she had shoved her attraction to him to the back of her mind and was enjoying his friendship .

Only problem was I wasn’t so sure Beck wasn’t having a hard time with his decision to not sleep with her. This was only the second time I’d seen them hang out and even as he greeted me, his eyes flickered quickly back to Claudia as she greeted everyone.

“Love the shirt,” Denver commented as I took a seat next to him. Claudia sat on my left and Beck sat down next to her.

Claudia laughed because she knew all about my magic shirt. I grinned at Denver. “Thanks.”

I couldn’t help it. My gaze moved to Jake and Melissa at the end of the table. He was staring at my shirt, a little crease between his brow, and I shifted uncomfortably, my eyes moving to Melissa. Her chair was tucked into Jake’s and they sat intimately close so no one could mistake they weren’t together. Our eyes met and I gave her a small smile, one she returned a little tremulously.

She was probably wondering why Jake was glaring at my T-shirt. I could explain it to her, but that would be awkward. Jake introduced me to Pearl Jam and was delighted when I fell in love with Eddie Vedder’s voice, their sound, and their stories. The T-shirt was a reminder that, if even only in the smallest way, he’d had an effect on the person I’d become.

“She’s back and she’s wearing the T-shirt.” Lowe’s voice brought my head up as he strolled over to us. He squeezed Claudia’s shoulder as he passed. “I owe you.”

I knew what he meant and only managed to stop myself from scowling. When he drew to a halt by my chair and held his arms out to me, silently asking for a hug, his bad-boy charm worked and I felt the urge to scowl disappear. I stood up and laughed Lowe off like his flirting was no big deal. We hugged and my skin flushed for a different reason as I felt the hard muscle of his back under his light T-shirt. Grinning, I looked up into his blue eyes and decided Claudia was right: Lowe was hot and he thought I was hot. That was flattering and distracting and just what I needed .

“Denver, take a shot of me and Charley together,” Lowe nodded at his friend and pulled me into his side, his arm tight around my shoulders.

Denver frowned. “Why?”

“Because my brother gave me shit about spending money on this study abroad. I want to post this picture on his Facebook page to make a point that I made the right choice.”

“Oh, God,” I groaned. “I hope your lyrics are better than that line.”

When the group chuckled, I grinned over at them, the smile faltering on my lips when I saw Jake staring off to the other side of the room, his eyes dark. The moment between Lowe and me rewound in my head and I felt my heart stutter in realization.

It was exactly the kind of thing Jake would’ve said to me back in the day and exactly the kind of cheeky response I’d have given him.

I was about to pull away from Lowe, not wanting this distraction to turn into another Jake situation, but Denver had his camera phone out and Lowe was pulling me back into his side. His fingertips were calloused from playing the guitar and as they coasted around to cup my hip, he brushed under my T-shirt, eliciting a shiver I knew he felt and enjoyed because his grin widened. I made a face at him and he laughed so boyishly, I couldn’t help but laugh back. Later, I’d discover that was the shot Denver took, because Lowe did put it on Facebook and tagged it after friending me. It was a great photograph, us laughing into each other’s faces, holding onto one another like we’d known each other our whole lives. As soon as I saw it, it made me uncomfortable and flustered.

Lowe disappeared to the bar to get Claudia and me a drink. When he returned, Claud moved down a chair so Lowe could sit with me. Matt eventually came over to the table and sat down by Jake, and Beck announced that the band was supposed to be on soon.

Once conversation had started up, Lowe put his arm behind my chair and leaned into me. My gaze automatically dipped to his lip ring and a curious thought flashed in my eyes before I could stop it. I knew Lowe caught it because his teeth grazed the ring a second before he smiled.

“Was that a naughty thought, Charlotte?” he murmured, eyes twinkling.

I shook my head casually to cover my embarrassment. “Just wondering if it was painful?”

“Not as painful as the tat on my ribs.”

Knowing exactly what he wanted my response to be, my lips twitched. “I’m not asking you to take your shirt off.”

“Damn. I’ve got a live one.” He smiled and then dipped his head closer to mine. “Is it weird? Seeing Jake again?”

I arched an eyebrow at him, not particularly happy to learn they’d obviously been talking about me.

Lowe just shrugged. “We’ve been friends since freshman year. I knew something was up so he told me about you guys. It’s a shit situation.”

“It was a long time ago.”

“So you’re a free agent, then?”

I wondered for a second if there was a code amongst guy friends about pursuing ex-girlfriends. Clearly not, according to Lowe. I sighed. “I’m not his, if that’s what you mean.” Funny, but that was the first time I’d said it aloud since we broke up. I was no longer surprised by how much it hurt.

“Are you anybody’s?”

“I don’t think we’re ever anybody’s, and to believe otherwise will get you hurt. ”

Lowe tipped his head in thought, his eyes strangely serious. “I think you’ll like my lyrics.”

“I can’t wait to hear you guys.”

“I warn you once you do, you’ll become a groupie.”

Laughing, I shook my head. “Sorry, I’ve never been a follower.”

“I think that’s a challenge.”

“No, it’s a fact. Take it as a challenge if you like, but you’ll find it a Sisyphean task.”

Lowe laughed so hard he drew everyone’s eyes. His were glittering. “Classics major?”

My lips twitched. “Psychology.”

That made him laugh even harder. “Really?”

“Nah. Criminal law.”

“You’re shitting me?”

“Nope.” I smiled around my beer, glad for Lowe and his distraction from Jake. My smile almost faltered when I caught Jake’s eyes, but he just gave me a tight smile and leaned his head to the side to listen to whatever Melissa was saying. Ignoring the sudden churning in my gut, I glanced over at Claudia to find her grinning happily at me, her gaze darting to Lowe pointedly. She gave me a wink, which I ignored, and laughed, turning back to Beck.

“Why are you studying law?”

“She wants to be a cop.”

This came from Jake and my head jerked to him in surprise. He was staring at me with that frown line between his eyebrows again. I hated that his answer was like a free kick to my heart. Claudia, sensing I was lost as to how to respond, answered for me. “Actually, Charley’s parents hated the idea of her being a cop so much that she compromised with a pre-law degree so she can apply to law school.”

Something sharpened in Jake’s expression as he returned his attention to me. Although I doubted anyone else understood it, I certainly did. Back when we were “us”, I’d discussed my parents’ unease at my career choice with Jake. Every time I found myself caving to them, Jake was there to bolster my resolve. In actuality I hadn’t given up on being a cop. I was compromising until I could convince my parents it was what I really wanted to do with my life. It had always been important to me to have their full support in everything I did, and I was growing more worried every day that I might not be able to persuade them to see things my way. I didn’t know how the story of my career was going to end if they didn’t jump on board soon.

To Jake it would seem like I’d given in to them completely, and that my change of heart was another thing that could be traced to his lack of presence in my life. I didn’t know how that made him feel, but I could tell it made him feel something .

“Claudia is pre-law too,” I turned to Lowe. That’s how we’d met.

“Why law school?” Beck asked her, grinning like he didn’t quite understand her.

“Because when I closed my eyes and ran my finger down the undergrad programs, it stopped on criminal law.”

And she wasn’t joking.

Beck almost choked on his beer, shaking his head at her like she was crazy.

This started off the rounds of “what’s your major?” I think every group of new college friends got this off their chests quickly so they never had to utter those banal words ever again. Jake, Beck, and Lowe were industrial engineering undergrads, Denver was doing applied mathematics, Rowena was studying English, and Melissa and Matt were history undergrads.

The guys were teasing Rowena about her major and she was taking it all in good spirit when a bearded guy came up to the band and told them it was time for their set .

Lowe winked at me as he got up. I wished him good luck. He nodded and walked off confidently, the short chain on his jeans swinging as he hopped onto the stage. Claudia shimmied closer to me with an excited smile as the guys readied themselves. The entire time I diligently ignored Jake and Melissa.

Almost simultaneously, Lowe and Beck lifted their guitar straps over their heads, followed by Denver who was their bassist, and Matt seated himself behind the drums. Only Denver and Lowe stood near mics, and Lowe’s was center stage.

I glanced around at the crowded bar and noted a lot of people about our age. Nearly half were girls who looked like cartoon lionesses, staring at Beck and Lowe like they were juicy, talking zebra steaks.

I smirked and turned back to them as the first guitar riff pulsed through the room. As Lowe began singing in a smooth, deep voice—so sexy, I’d happily replace my vibrator with it—I fell into the band’s sound. Lowe was right. I loved his lyrics. They were real, no fairy-tale bullshit, but they were also a contradiction, like he knew what he’d experienced but he couldn’t help still feel maybe there was the possibility of more out there. I’d always thought it was brave of musicians to put their souls on a track. That was even clearer to me now that I actually knew the band, and I had to admit, I was impressed.

A couple of songs into their set, Lowe sang about “being lost in the shallows” and as soon as the lyrics were out of his mouth, my gaze instantly flicked to Jake.

My breath got caught in a painful ball in my throat as my eyes met his.

He wasn’t watching the band. He was watching me.

I shuttered my gaze, ignoring the rushing of blood in my ears, and turned back to concentrate on the band. I couldn’t, though. Not even Lowe’s hot voice could distract me from Jake and the memory of us.

I squirmed uncomfortably for the rest of the set, almost grateful when Lowe murmured into the mic, “You’ve been listening to The Stolen. Thanks, and have a good night.” He smiled over at me as the crowd erupted into applause and whistles, and I smiled back, almost begging him with that look to come over and once again take my mind off Jake Caplin.